A
male
age
51-59,
*edjpd
writes:My life is a mess - I have decided to leave my wife as I can no longer tolerate her constant nagging, neagitivity and derision.The problem is we have a 15 month old daughter and she is 4 months pregnant. I am torn because I love my daughter to bits and know that my wife needs my support during the pregnancy as things have been difficult for her but I have had enough - it is like being married to the gruffalo - all I am is a skivvy. Our marriage has been difficult and I think that we are just two completely different people. We have done counselling and things are ok for a while but then we return to our old ways. There is no love left. She has drained that from me.I finally snapped on saturday after weeks of being constantly nagged at and derided -and being ignored all week for being 15 mins late from work on friday - and told her to go f**k herself - nothing I do is right and me and my family are constantly abused. I have put up with it for the sake of our daughter and because of the pregnancy but enough is enough - I need a life and to be treated with love and respect.I am not proud that I have left given the circumstances but feel I have no choice - I don't know if we can work this out as love has been replaced with hatred and a lot of bad stuff has been said since and due to our past difficulties. I think it is best for our daughter that I get out - do I give up and seek a legal seperation (think this is the only way I will get fair access to my daughter and future unborn child) or hang tough for a while and see what happens after the dust settles? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, redjpd +, writes (24 November 2009):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I have tried to make peace but she is still very bitter & angry. 'I am a disgrace & an a la carte unfit father'. As usual all blame is on my part. I am not happy with the situation and know that she needs my support now more than ever - I suppose I just have to let things settle for a while and see what happens.
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Pleaseeee.. please, dont do that now.. i have a feeling that your wife now is in need, physically and emotionally. she need now more your understanding..,she just dont realise that by her self thats why instead of talking about it she put it in anger.., taking care of the little baby and pregnant at the same time is not that easy at all for women. dont make a decision now now now and in the end you will regret it. you dont have to do that. just give her a little more time to adjust her self. she is just a new mother please understand the situation she still in the first 15 month old baby and now she have to prepare for the coming new baby again, that is not easy at all. anyhow, i wish you calm down your self and take it easy.. everything will be fine later..
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A
female
reader, Roadster73  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 one last thing... I know everyone is entiltled to there own opion but please please don't have an affair. I should imagine u r wife already thinks your up too something ( hence the losing it with u when u r late) sadly the suspision comes from low self esteem/ depression/ thinking she's fat frumpy & preggers & u r proberley mixing with young attractive women in u r work life.. Us girls have too much time on our hands when we first have babies.. I think it's sleep depravation & hormones & only watching telly tubbies all day!! Please hang in there I am sure things will change when the kids get older??
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A
female
reader, Roadster73 +, writes (23 November 2009):
can I just say, I was a "normal" run of the mill woman, then when I had kids I changed into the bitch from hell... I loved my kids but felt resentful being at home full time whilst my husbands life carried on as normal?? I eventually decided too see a doctor when my husband caught me about to climb out if our bedroom window... It turned out I had post natal depression... My youngest was 2 by then.. So I didn't realize u could still get that?? Anyway things aren't perfect & I still get down & snappy but least me & my Hubby r working things through... It sounds too me u r wife is seriously depressed.. Leaving will make the situation even worst for u r children..get help for her first, let her have the baby & go from there...
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A
male
reader, redjpd +, writes (23 November 2009):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify a few points - I am a self employed accountant and my work can have time pressures and if anything I have been quilty of neglecting my own work at times to meet family commitments so my wife can get a break eg. I took off a couple of fridays recently so that she could complete an educational course and feel under pressure to be home on time - eg to avoid rows & huffing. I do my share of the chores and am not cheating or messing around - my life revolves around work & looking after our daughter when I come home - I rarely go out as I get up at 6am most mornings with our daughter so she can have a lie in until 8am when I have to get ready for work. Maybe I don't show her enough appreciation but that is hard when you feel under pressure and a 'water carrier'. Since she became pregnant our intimacy has stopped - we have had a couple of scars early in the pregnancy so no sex or anything - I have served my function as sperm donor. I don't want to be an absent father I just want a bit of respect and love and to be treated fairly. I want to be able to concentrate on my business without added pressure of a strict home timetable also. I have bottled alot of my frustrations but just lost it on saturday as I felt enough is enough - I feel there is no pleasing her. I think for now I'll let things lie and let her anger subside some - she can be very bitter & nasty. - then see what happens
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 There seems to be a view prevailing in western culture that a wife can dish out any kind of abuse to her husband and he is obliged to smile and take it because he should be grateful for the huge sacrifices that she has
made in sleeping with him and bearing his children. If the tables were turned and you were a wife receiving this kind of abuse from your husband then you can guarantee that 90% of the responses here would be along the lines of "get out girl, ditch the loser, you are worth so much more than that, he doesn't appreciate what he has in you ..."
Given that she is going to be a breast-feeding mother at the time that your divorce goes through the courts you are going to get taken to the cleaners anyway so my recomendation would be to have an affair and try to inject enough joy into your life to compensate with the abuse that you are getting at home.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 You have to remember that this woman is pregnant. That's a lot of hormones rushing through her body, and I'm sure the easiest target when she feels the effects is you. That's not fair really, and the way she is treating you is unfair, but I think the best option you have is to maybe duck low for a while and wait for things to settle down. It's totally understandable the way you are feeling, and I admire you for sticking in for this long. But really, there are kids on the line here. And your wife is pregnant. Could you really live with yourself for leaving your pregnant wife?
I really don't like it when people say that leaving their spouse is 'best for their child'. They put these grown up thoughts and ideas through kid's heads and think that their children will be happier with their parents separated than hearing their parents fight. I can tell you from personal experience that kids would rather live in the world of pretend and maybe hear their parents fight than see them separated and perhaps never talking to one another again. You think leaving your wife is going to stop all this fighting? No. It'll only make her even more bitter. And your four year old will not only get to see her mother fight with you over the phone when you're divorced, but she'll also have to see her mother devastated every day, wondering through the house alone. So please don't use your kid as an excuse to get divorced. Divorce only cures the hurt spouse's misery.
In fact the only reason I think divorce is really justified is cheating or abuse. And seeing as none of that is going on, I think that you need to hang in there and try to sort out these problems. To every story, there are two sides. Maybe you are doing things that are really hurting your wife. No one says that marriage is easy. It's something that two people really need to work at. I think you need to keep trying. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Surely there must have been good times. How in Gods name did she conceive the second time? (lol)
Ok, so you have cited all her faults”
-she is a nag
-you are just a skivvy
- she checks up on you. You were late from work? Why does she check up and please be honest , have you given her reason to check your every move?
- you say you and your family are constantly abused. Is those your parents/siblings?
What/how have you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage? Do you do your fair share at home. Do you provide the emotional support, does she provide any emotional support for you?
“We have done counselling and things are ok for a while but then we return to our old ways.” So YOU BOTH have chosen to revert to the old ways instead of enhancing your relationship, you both have fallen off then. Marriage is an eye opener. It needs to be worked daily, not only in the counsellors office and a few days thereafter.
“I need a life and to be treated with love and respect.” For respect to be attained it also needs to be given. Yes ,you are feeling emasculated as a man. She doesn’t respect you and honour your role as hb and father. You need to be proud of your self, your home, your achievements. That is what a man needs/wants. If your wife is not honouring your role then there will obviously be major problems. Are you loving and respecting HER as your wife and mother to the daughter? Answer honestly! Or do you now only see her as a nag and as a complainer? Remember it takes two to make a marriage work.
I am not questioning your state of unhappiness but questioning what role you have played in this unhappiness.
I am glad you love your daughter. But staying merely for the sake of the kids is the worst mistake you can Make. I come back to her being pregnant. Surely there have been good times instead of all bad.
Lets forget that you are really pissed right now. Lets look realistically.
- Is there a part of you that still loves your wife?
- -is there a part of you that wants to make this marriage work?
- what influence (if any) does the extended family play?
- Back to counselling? Or separation?
- Your kid(soon to be kids). You created 2 kids (just a matter of time before the next one is born). If you run out on them now how do you explain this to them? Would you only blame their mother for the mess ? are you prepared to be an absent father, not being there when your kid takes his/her first step, hear the first words? Eat his/her first proper meal. The list continues.
- Lets say you separate and then what? Find another woman? Guess what ? Women are known for their nagging (i imagine only mistresses do not nag, maybe i am wrong) . So will you replace one nag with another?
Only you can decide whether to try to make your marriage work. Hey but watch those hormones. Pregnant womens hormaones run all over the place. Doesn’t justify their improper behaviour but just be aware of it. Have you massaged your wives feel recently? Rubbed her back. Helped her shave. Some sort of intimacy shared between the two of you.
PrIde in a marriage leads to other simmering issues. When you love someone you go the extra mile, you may want to tell the other to piss off but somewhere once the emotions calm down , perhaps sound reasoning needs to take place. Have you spoken to the wife about your unhappy state? Get that communication going.
I have been married for almost 18 years. My hb and I also fight, nag and even swear. We sometimes get just so fed up with each other and yes sometimes just want to call it quits when we are emotional. But we don’t . Marriage is hard hard work. Don’t be fooled. Nothing in life is easy so don’t expect miracles. We are still learning to communicate, still learning to express our emotions and love for each other. We are growing with each other. Every day.
So please take time to reflect and time to really openly and honestly look at the state of your marriage. Make changes if you want to or decide ot leave if you feel it is not worth it. But do not make rash decisions and decisions based on those emotions raging in your currently.
Good luck. OH, and by the way. Pregnant women LOVE to have sex. Howz the sex life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): My husband did this to me and left me with a young child. It had turned to hatred between us and I detested his family and constantly nagged and undermined him at every opportunity. He treated me like s**t and never came home, was out with other women etc etc. Anyway he left and went through the courts for access. Just so you know it cost me over £85k to fight him having access and believe me I fought and he gets one day a month access but is not allowed my child in his home with his family or anything.
Please think very very carefully before you go down this route and see if there is anything left to salvage in your marriage. Not every woman would be as bitter and vengeful as me but some will be and a woman can make it very hard for the man to see the kids if she wants to.
Personally I would hang on in there and let the dust settle. Your wife's hormones are raging and it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to leave a pregnant woman. My ex husband loves to cite the phrase of 'I had to leave as I didn't want my child to see us fighting , it is not a true representation of what a husband and wife should be, it is better the child sees us happy individually', but my son doesn't see it like that and hates him for leaving so remember that point too if you do decide to leave.
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