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male
age
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anonymous
writes:A couple months ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had a mastectomy on one side last week. We think it was detected early, the doctors are quite encouraging, and she seems to be recovering marvelously from the surgery. Final test results should be in by tomorrow, and it could be the only additional treatment will be some hormone drugs for the next 5 years. For now there won't be any reconstruction, but that option is still open.But . . . will there ever be "healing"? We're older people, with children grown to adulthood. I'll bet we've been married longer than most of you have been alive. I think that long time together actually makes this worse. It's like this hits me as much as it's hitting her. I don't love her any less - maybe more. We've done plenty of talking and kissing and hugging. (At least one-sided hugs.) The heck with house, jobs, people - I only want to hold her and make it all go away.She gets around the house and we have even walked around the block twice since she came home. She came home with a special support bra and a tube that drains the swelling from her incision. They said there's no dressing or bandage to change, just watch for any signs of infection, and she can even shower if she'd like. But she doesn't want to look, won't take the bra off, or even let me look to see if the incision is OK. I've been helping her do a basin-bath every other day.Friends, neighbors, and our kids are all pitching in to help with meals, housework, etc.Has anybody else been through this? Any suggestions on what else I should do? I'm not worried about sex right now. We were doing it about 3 or 4 times a month before this, and I hope we'll get back to that pattern when it doesn't hurt her to be hugged or touched "there".
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Wow, thank you for the update! I'm glad to hear you're making it through this together. Have you talked about councelling or anything like that? It really could help. It sounds like she's developed these habits to keep herself from worrying about her condition. Unfortunately they are an escape rather than a solution. My father has gone through two bouts of cancer. I'm happy he's still with us even though the doctors told us it would be a miracle if he made it 5 years. It's been nearly 10 years since his last fight with it, and he's still doing well. I hope the same is the case for your wife.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Thank you for a beautiful update! Breast cancer has impacted my life too, with family members suffering through surgery, chemo and radiation as well.
That brain thing? I've heard it called 'chemo brain.' It's pooh-poohed as an actual syndrome by clinicians, from what I've heard, but I think it's real. Somehow, the treatment pokes holes in one's brain (figuratively speaking) and thinking and remembering becomes a challenge. I've seen that in my relatives. We have figured out how to joke about it, that seems to help.
Make sure she's getting the best nutrition she can, doing that vigorous exercise that is supposed to help prevent recurrence and love love love her, as you so obviously do.
All the best to you and your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA Year Later . . .
We are still here and doing well. Last year at this time we were starting into 4 months of chemotherapy, followed by a couple months of radiation. We kept up a slightly-less-than-normal level of activity through all of that.
Yes, they removed a breast - but the boob isn't "her". Then her hair fell out - but that's not "her", either. Now, if they had kept whittling away, I suppose it would eventually "get to her" . . . As far as lovemaking, the missing boob didn't bother me as much as seeing her totally hairless "down there". It disturbed me that she resembled a preteen girl, with no "bush" and small (or no) breasts. The mastectomy side, that looked so harsh and stark right after surgery - showing every detail of every rib through the skin - has now filled in with fat and tissue so her torso has a more acceptable shape and appearance.
One scary thing was that after each chemotherapy treatment she would lose her appetite, and completely not eat for 2 or 3 days. After the second time, the doctor sternly ordered her to force food, whether she was hungry or not. Through the whole experience she lost weight and seems to be keeping it down slightly below what she weighed when I met her at age 22 - and she was skinny then! (Plus, she has us on a "healthy" diet that's supposed to make you live longer, or at least make it SEEM like a long time.)
They say she's now free of cancer, but they do some mammograms and blood tests every 6 months.
I don't know if it was the cancer itself, the treatment, her stage of life, or something else that is affecting her mind. The busy-bodyness is is, if anything, worse. she HAS to know the details of EVERYBODY's school, marriage, medical, and work problems - but she can't tell me her own work schedule for tomorrow without consulting a notebook. Many items that get written onto the grocery list will be purchased on 2 or 3 shopping trips in succession: even though it's been crossed off, or the list discarded, she can remember that we needed the item but not that it's been purchased. We have at least a 6 month's supply of cooking oil, and enough oatmeal to feed a small third-world country.
She seldom remembers that she has already told me (more than once) things that didn't need to be said in the first place. Yesterday one of her piano students left with his parent, and didn't close the door behind them. They weren't half-way down the walk when my wife burst into my office with "Can you believe what they just did? . . . ". The news couldn't even wait for me to finish the sentence, much less the paragraph I was writing. By the time I recovered the thought process, I had lost 20 minutes of uncompensated worktime. Then . . . I heard the same narrative repeated at supper, and again this morning.
She's still my wife. My first wife. Forever and always.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 I am glad to hear she is keeping herself (and you) busy. You are both in my thoughts, and prayers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings are better . . . and worse.
She has looked at herself. It's really not bad at all. Definitely different, and certainly not like the other side, but I don't find it the least repulsive. Someday maybe I can tease her about having as much boobage on that side as I have, but not now. We've tried lovemaking and sex. She can't find a position where she's not worried about getting bumped in the surgical site, which is still rather sore.
Some more testing shows the cancer may have already spread. We're scheduling more doctor's appointments to get the full story and discuss options.
She's keeping herself busy for its own sake. In fact she's becoming something of a busy-body. Today she was on the phone to schedule an appointment - and after all the "relationshiping" and "communicating" and "multi-tasking" she did with the scheduler, she forgot when the appointment was! And she can't raise one arm yet - but that didn't stop her from deciding to replace all the shelf paper, and paint interiors, of all the kitchen cabinets. Well, she didn't do much of the work . . . unfortunately, I work from a home office so there hasn't been much employment-work done while she has me help with the busy-work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): You sound like a wonderful couple and a devoted husband. It will take time but you are
doing all the right things, I'll have you both in my thoughts.....all the best for a healthy and blessed future together. I only wish that more men if the younger generation were like you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 November 2009):
You wife may need some counselling, it seems her mental state is not as healthy as her physical.
A friend of mine had both breasts removed late September. Within two weeks of coming home she was out and about doing her normal things, she is getting back into her community work and doing volunteer duty at the Senior Citizens Centre. Usually she doesnt bother with a bra or prosthesis, but did buy a pair of "boobies" for her daughters wedding. I do know there was some concern for a short time with drainage issues after she came home (home being small country town, her surgery happened 4 hours drive away). With a caring GP and supportive friends she seems to be well on the way to recovery.
I would suggest you enquire about a support group for your wife, so that she can at least mix with other women with whom she can share her experiences whilst learning from theirs.
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