A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Im 27 and been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. About 2 years ago the topic of children has come up and i am 110% sure i never want to have them-i dont like children and i made it very clear to him. He however wants children and being the only child himself wants atleast 2.Last year i told him i wasnt going to change my mind and we should break up seeing as we both want different things. He laughed it off and said no. He is convinced i will think differently!Now some of you may think im selfish so im going to be honest-the thought of a person growing inside me makes me shudder-i NEVER want to experience pregnancy-i think a pregnant body looks disgusting and nor do i ever want to go through childbirth. The thought of having someone rely on you for most of their life annoys me-i never want to have that responsibility-raising a child,changing their nappy,feeding them etc..I admit im a selfish person but i also think he is being selfish-i truly believe if he had to go through pregnancy and birth he wouldnt do it.I often hope and wish i cant have children. I get really painful and heavy periods which i hope is a sign of endremetiosis or polysistic ovaries-i have never spoken to the doctor about it as i hope it makes me infertile-crazy i know but that is how much i dont want to be pregnant.Also i was raised as a catholic and sex before marriage isnt allowed(im a virgin)-which im more than happy to oblige to but for the reason i dont want to get pregnant! Now before i get abusive messages about this i want to make it clear i dont judge other people for having children and nor would i ever hurt an child or be nasty to it. I just never want 1 in my life.Yes there is that possibility of "being alone" when you are older but its selfish to have them if u expect them to look after you when they have their own life.Im truly thinking of breaking up with him soon. Anyone else had this problem?? Any advice gratefully appreciated.
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female
reader, CherryBoom  +, writes (7 February 2010):
i can totally understand your point of view.
if you don't want kids then so be it.
it's not like you not having kids will make the human race come to a screeching halt.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Actually, your catholic religion is very relevant here. You want to remain a virgin until you are married. Understandable.
You don't like kids and you don't want them... mmmmm... this goes against catholic teaching. Marriage and sex is for the production of children. Contraception, sterilization is frowned upon. If you don't want children, according to strict catholic teaching, you shouldn't get married or ever have sex.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 For some reason i think I have something to add to this already over answered topic. If The other aunts will excuse me for butting in. I apologize in advance for being male. I was born this way, and I have a belief that the male point of view is helpful in solving relationship problems.
Dear Anonymous original poster,
You seem to have a religious conflict in your life. You are trying to live your life the way you believe, and also include your personal non religious beliefs/feelings. You have been told off for wanting to be infertile naturally, but I understand that it is how you can get those two beliefs together. The advice to see a Doctor is good as your health is important to your happiness. Happiness also comes with bringing your life inline with your beliefs. Some will say that your beliefs should come from within and not be imposed from the outside. I won't tell you that because you have already shown your determination to be and stay Catholic. I'm assuming that your faith is fully internalized, and a part of your very being. You may want to discuss some options with your religious leaders.
Part 2
About the Boyfriend and why he is hanging on. Many women change their minds about children between your age and 35. I'm not saying you are going to, but he may be banking on the idea that your biological clock is about to go off. He also may believe that your religion is on his side. I've got to admit that two years hoping that you will change is very persistent on his part.
conclusion
I would say that in the current state of your beliefs you should not get married or get into a sexual relationship (which would require marriage to you). I'm not catholic but I agree with the no sex before marriage. I applaud your determination. I see nothing in the "modern" culture that changes the reasons for not involving oneself sexually before the relationship is committed enough to get married.
FA
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A
female
reader, ~Maureen +, writes (6 February 2010):
Definitely, break up with him asap. Yes, his heart will be broken, but it will be mended well when he moves on to a motherly sort.
I can't help but wonder about your feelings regarding children. You would NOT BELIEVE how happy I am to hear of a virgin with a boyfriend. Most girls give it up without the benefit of marriage.
At least, with having your virginity intact, you would be a fresh surprise for your future husband, perhaps, a man who is infertile, and has a hard time finding a girl who DOESN'T want motherhood. You would be a blessing unto him!!
Yes, indeed, break up now. Your boyfriend want children and to try to make him childless would be heartbreaking to you both in the end.
Good Luck. God Bless.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Do yourself and your boyfriend a huge favor.IF your are 100% convinced you do not want children (and apparently you do!) tell your B/F you do not want children then step out of his life. He will be hurt but,, he will hurt more later in life to continue on with this relationship and him thinking that someday you will change your mind. He wants children ?? Then you owe it to him to tell him he really need to find a woman who feels like he does and you are NOT that woman. The answer is simple the consequences will be hard but he will survive and move on.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 February 2010):
 I am a year younger than you, and I have a couple of friends who have already been told they cannot have children because of problems with their wombs and various conditions. It really is very very sad, and the pain they have gone thru is heartbreaking.
To wish you had these conditions, really is very irresponsible, and so selfish! Any one of these women would swap their body with you in an instant because of all the medical procedures they have had to go through and the scars, both physical and mental they now bear.
I think, that once you start to have sex, then the hormones may begin to kick in for you. I am also concerned that you dont like the idea of something being inside you. ..... I do wonder how you will cope with sex when you are married. There are very few men who would cope, or accept a marriage without sex from day 1.
If you are 100% dead set on not having children, then you need to seriously talk to your boyfriend and leave him. Becuase it really is not fair on him if he does want to be a dad. better to hurt him now, than when you are married and he is too old.
Also, you will need to inform any future partner about your beliefs, because it would be so cruel to mislead someone into a relationship.
You should also book an appointment to talk to a doctor, because if you are really serious, then there are options to prevent you getting pregnant such as contraceptives, or on the more extreme end, sterilisation. However, beware, if you go down this road, there is no going back, and you may live to regret a decision that is permanent.
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A
female
reader, Riku Tsumi +, writes (6 February 2010):
Well there's one thing that I have failed to see anyone bring up here, your boyfriend wants kids, and you don't want them, mostly it seems because you don't want to go through child birth. It seems that raising a kid doesn't repulse you half as much as the idea of child bearing. Ever thought that maybe your half way mark with him might be adoption? Just one kid, and maybe even one that is already 10 and doesn't need near as much caring as a younger child. Perhaps you should look into that, and instead of two, ask for one and maybe a nanny as suggested above XD I personally have been talking to my boyfriend about this option, not because I don't want to get pregnant (okay so not now at least XD wait til we're married and financially stable) but because there there are tons of people every day who get pregnant by accident and can't take care of their children and also children who are taken from their parents because their parents abused them in some way. I've read lots of stories about these kids were adopted and lead wonderful lives and were so grateful to their adopted parents for helping them and loving them. So my boyfriend and I have settled on an (still negotiable) agreement, we'll probably have one child together and then adopt one as well. It was a nice middle ground from him wanting to have two kids and no more both from us and me wanting to have a child bust adopt as well.Just make sure that what ever you decide, you decide it together. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through child birth when I was younger but then I watched as my sister had her third kid (I was too young to notice this when she had her first two) and all the annoyances of it but then when my boyfriend and I went to see her after she got back from having it, and after her boyfriend left my boyfriend and I watched and it was like there was no one else in the room but her and this small little girl. In that moment to her, Sam was the whole world and she looked at with such love my mouth almost dropped open and that's when I really decided I wanted a child some day. You have to make your own decisions and the feeling of the one you'd be creating it with. I just hope that maybe I've helped by presenting another option for you that might be a middle ground.Phantom Kitsune
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (6 February 2010):
Even though I have my own kids who I love dearly from a previous marriage, I also have a fiancé who is literally demanding more kids and he even sulked for weeks when I at first said no more. But I love him so we have discussed it and decided that instead of having the 2 he wanted or the 0 I wanted, we meet halfway and have one instead!! And I have asked him to put it in writing that I have a nanny and a tummy tuck!!
Look you obviously dont want kids and that's your decision but the level of your revulsion is quite unnatural. Maybe go for couples counseling to discover why you feel this way. I have a cousin who spoke like you and she got pregnant by accident after vowing never. Now she is expecting her third. Then I have another friend who is 56 and had a selective hysterectomy at 21 because she found the idea of babies so vile. She is happy and has never looked back. So just talk it through with your boyfriend and see if you can compromise and if your love is enough to meet him halfway. His opinions count too if his love is worth anything. If you are rich there are many options like surrogacy etc. And you can always demand a nanny!
PS. No need for everyone to shout at me; she has already received one point of view so I'm giving her the other.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
WOW!!!!! Have no problems with you not wanting children, we like what we like. However you are also a virgin,that changes things a little. You don't like the idea of something inside of you, you don't like the idea of someone depending on you, you've never been truly intimate with this guy and it's already been 5 years.
I'm wondering how you will do with marriage, where you'll have to share your body, and he will get close and inside you. You need to make it very, very, clear how you feel if your going to marry this guy. He'll be bitter and angry if he expects to have children one day. This is no joke, make him know your serious. At your age, you might be able to get yourself sterilized if you speak to the doctor's about the way you feel.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 February 2010):
The good news is there are men out there who don't want children themselves. The bad news is, your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's one of them. If you are sure you don't want children, and you think he does, it is best for you to let him go and find a man who is also sure he doesn't want kids.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Hey, I'm past the age of child-bearing now, and I am not sorry that we don't have children. Parenthood isn't for everyone, and if you are clear that you don't want children, then you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you will be fending off that demand for the next 20 years. There are some permanent ways of eliminating your reproductive capabilities, and if you are deadset on this already, I think you should see your doctor to discuss them. It's really foolish to think that having endometriosis or polycystic ovaries is a good thing; it is NOT. Get yourself checked out, for heaven's sake, don't be like an ostrich here. That is NOT sensible.
Not everyone wants children, and no one should be forced into parenthood against one's will. I think you and your boyfriend are going to be fundamentally incompatible on this point and it would be a pity to sentence him to a life of childlessness when having children is so dear to his heart. You can't change his mind any more than he should try to change yours on this point. Couples have parted ways over this point in the past and you are not the only one who will have to move on from this.
There are plenty of men out there who do not want children; I think you should start looking for one of them. Be sure you are very clear up front about this 'no children' rule you have, as you don't want to waste anyone's time.
It is possible to lead a full and rich life without children; don't feel you need to explain or apologize for not wanting them or not having them later.
I personally would not have wanted to marry someone without knowing if we were sexually compatible or not; it could be a pretty miserable marriage if there is a huge divide in sexual appetites and expectations. Even if you do remain a virgin before marriage, that is no reason for not having discussed that thoroughly with your future husband. There are lots of unhappy couples who have very different notions of what constitutes a 'good' sex life.
Contraception is an individual choice, and I'm not going to suggest you use it if it violates your religious beliefs, but I am going to lecture you on taking care of your health. Hoping for endometriosis or polycystic ovaries is a ridiculous way of taking care of yourself. You go see your gynecologist now, and if you don't have one, for heaven's sake, make an appointment NOW. Don't ruin your future for no good reason. That's a very bad plan.
So stop wasting his time, and yours, time to release him to find the woman who will want children with him. Time for you to make that doctor's appointment and think about your own future. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 February 2010):
I feel EXACTLY the same way about you as kids.
I'm 27 and like going out and getting drunk and having a great time, and having a nice figure and going on holiday and sleeping in and eating take away or going out to nice restaurants.
Everyone I know who has kids leads such a BORING life.
Your need to make it clear to your boyfriend that you are NOT going to change your mind. If he says he still wants to be with you then start talking about what contraception you are going to use after marriage. Ask him how he feels about vasectomy. Keep talking about how it will be great to live in a nice flat and have the cash to spend on nice holidays and travelling since you won't have a kid to pay for.
If he wants kids then he needs to see that he needs to find someone else.
As for you, well I am married. There are guys out there who don't want kids either and who would LOVE a girl to explore the world with.
I know you have been raised catholic but no sex before marriage makes no sense in the modern age. You may have been told contraception is bad, but why would God want you to accidentally get pregnant and have a miserable life and bring up an unloved child? Get on the injection or the implant. You may find the pill will help with your periods as well.
You aren't alone and aren't selfish in ANY way.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): You arent selfish-infact u'd be more selfish bringing kids in to this world and not wanting them just because society believes children are the best thing ever!I have a son who is now 8,who i love of course but i got pregnant with him by accident and have now been steralised so i will never have anymore.
I hated being pregnant and the birth was awful. I didnt bond with him for ages and even now he is a daddys boy. Im NO more maternal now than before i had him-so i understand how u feel towards kids.
Maybe leaving you man is the best option..no point in you both resenting eachother.
Lonley two...What a typical male thing to say and unless you have been through child birth and pregnancy you can read all u want but its different for every woman!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 February 2010):
 No, you are not being selfish. If you are clear you don't want children, then that is your prerogative. Clearly, not wating children is not some idea you have only just now come up with......
I do not at all agree with Lonely Two's judgment that "you have been filled up with a lot of crap in your past" and are a "bent up chinese egg roll waiting to come out." He cannot possibly know your history.
Anyway, as others have said, you need to make it very clear to your boyfriend you are not going to change your mind, and therefore are setting him free so he can find a woman who does want a child.......it will be difficult and painful because the two of you have been together so long. But its a step you must take.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (6 February 2010):
No sweetheart I don't think you are selfish at all. Just the opposite. You know your BF wants children and you can't give that to him so you are willing to let him go and find someone that will give that to him. I know a man who wanted children very badly... and before marriage his wife said she wanted them too, let him buy a nice big house with space for the kids"and now she says no she won't have them. Now THAT is selfish.
I guess you just have to talk to your man again and let him know you are really serious. It's not going to happen with you. And he needs to decide what he wants. If he laughs at you again, then break up with him. he will know you are serious then.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 i have never experienced anything like this, but it seems like you truly do want different things.. its not fair for him to push you into having kids if you don't want to and its not fair to hold onto him knowing he definitely wants children and you definitely don't.he probably does think that in time you will feel differently, but it seems you have made your mind up, and you need to be adamant with him about that, if he is the same age as you then you need to let him go so he can start a family before it is too late and he will resent you for it.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Seems like you have 3 options:
1. Break up, as you obviously want different things in life, despite loving each other. You will have to be very clear and firm with him, as you have tried this before and he laughed it off. If you take this route, you must make it absolutely clear you do not want to be with him.
2. Have children for his sake (which seems very unlikely, but it is an option).
3. Go to the doctor, find out if you are infertile. Bear in mind, even if you are, do you think he would want to explore other options, like adoption?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Print off this letter and show him, it may convince him you are serious about not having children.
He needs to be made aware you are serious, and that if he does want to father children of his own he needs to find a new life partner.
Good luck whichever path your life takes you down
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