A
female
age
36-40,
*yboyfriendsacnt
writes:Hey. This site always gives me great advice and I was wondering if you lovely people could give me your opinion.Dating boyfriend 1.5 years. He has a 6 year old daughter with an ex. Bit if history/ Seen as myself and my other half knew each other before dating I found out through a mutual friend he had got this ex pregnant again a few years back - after they had broken up and he was dating someone new. She had an abortion. Not really my business as we weren't dating but it does cause some insecurities about him and the mother of his child. I'd never want to get in the way of his relationship with his daughter and am actually pretty relaxed about his relationship with her mum..Some things do bug me.. But im tryingvto ignore them..I've met his daughter once at a big gathering / I've never met his ex / he always sees his daughter at their house. ( He never stays over ) I guess maybe these things just take time and he's a very private person. I guess the main trigger for this post is that today he'd told me he was taking his daughter to the cinema. Fiine / cute / no problem... But I've just seen a text from his ex saying " hey Hun, u still coming to cinema with us tomorrow? About to book tickets" Hmmm I can't help but feel uneasy about this? I mean great they can have a friendly relationship ( I hope that's what it is ) but because I know they were still sleeping together in the past I can't help but be angry right now. How do you suggest I approach this without a row or looking like I'm trying to get in the way if his relationship with his child?I'm not sure i want to tell him I saw the text? But maybe I need to??!He'll be leaving in 3/4 hours so should I confront him before??!Advice much appreciated :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 August 2013):
 I'm divorced with children who were 5 and 3 when we split.
I have a lovely CIVIL relationship with my ex and always did.
TRUST ME that I would NEVER do anything casual with my ex (like go to the movies) with our children.
As they got older (they are in their late 20s now) we occasionally did things together as extended families. With my current husband, my kids stepmom and my dad... but NEVER as a pretend couple.
to me that's NOT right. IT's confusing to the children and why would I want to spend time like that with an ex??? If i wanted to spend that kind of time with my ex he would not be an ex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): I cant believe all the posters here saying its fine and right for the guy to be going out with another woman behind the OP's back amd lying about it, just because that other woman happens to be the mother of his kid.If your ex is more important than your current partner just because of shared kids, then you shouldn't be getting involved with anyone new, it really is that simple yet few people have the decency to do this because they are selfish and don't want to let go of an old relationship even when they supposedly have a new one. "Its for the kids " provides a convenient excuse to shut up anyone who points out the morally dubious nature of this overly good relationship with the ex.Basically if it is not ok to secretly go to the movies with your ex, behind your current partner's back, then having kids doesn't suddenly make it morally ok. What else does having kids make OK to do with your ex? Dinner at romantic restaurant? Vacation together? Sleep over? Have sex? Why didn't they invite you or anyone else along and give you the option to gracefully decline and let them be alone together but at least making it your call?You should break up with this guy. Clearly he and his ex are still romantically and sexually involved just that they don't have what it takes to he a fill time relationship so that's why he uses you to fill in the gaps.
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt +, writes (11 August 2013):
myboyfriendsacnt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys. Thanks for all your comments!!! Real great and insightful. In regards to username. It's from 7 years ago when I was 18 & had been let down by some guy I thoughtvibwasbib love with.. If anyone can advise on how to change it that would be super :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 OP, it's not enough to do the right thing. We must be seen to be doing the right thing and I don't mean drawing attention to ourselves every time we donate to charity. I mean we should not act in a way that causes others to question our intentions. You shouldn't have to trust that he is doing right by you. It should be blatantly obvious and if it isn't, that's a problem.And let's face it, he has a child with this ex, a history of cheating on others with her, they hang out together as a family and use familiar terms of endearment ('hun') and last but not least, he lied about the nature of this outting. He didn't forget to mention that his former lover was coming. He LIED because he knew you wouldn't like it.He justifies sneaking about with his ex (to himself) as not really cheating because she is the mother of his child and will therefore always be family. She has a special place in his life over a girlfriend. That won't change. And I wouldn't be surprised if he confided in her every time you two have an argument. I wouldn't make a huge scene and cry about it, but I would calmly, and briefly tell him what I thought of all this and leave it at that. Then I would recategorize him as a short term thing. VERY short term. And quietly start bringing home whatever property you have at his place.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 I don't think that there's anything between them. However, you guys have been together for a reasonable amount if time so i'm sure you can notify him of your concern. Take note of what i said, i didn't say accuse him, i said shed some light on your concern.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 August 2013):
 I think her username is my boyfriend's account. Not every woman is that angry with her boyfriend.
Where do you see yourself in this relationship? Has he ever told you he's not looking for another mother for her daughter? Do you want to be a mother figure? Do you want his daughter to at least acknowledge you?
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (11 August 2013):
 I don't think you need to worry about it.
My sister has a daughter with her ex. He joined the US Air Force, so he's been in training in a state far away from where he lived and dated my sister. They have a very close relationship, and he'll pay to have my sister and their daughter come fly down and visit him every so often. They even took a road trip over the weekend on one of these visits, and stayed in a hotel together. But there is absolutely NOTHING romantic in their relationship.
I know that sounds hard to believe - I was very suspicious for a long time - and I can see why, as his new girlfriend, you are concerned about your boyfriend. The thing is, though, having a child is one of those life-altering events. It changes the parents and it changes their relationship and understanding of each other. There are some men who bow out early and never go through that transformation, but there are others (like your boyfriend) who wholly accept the new responsibility. Part of that responsibility is that, even if the parents break up, they maintain a stable relationship and help each other raise the kid(s).
As for the past post-breakup sex, that also happened between my sister and her ex when they first broke up. We get a lot of questions on this site from people who are thinking about sleeping with their exes, and from that I have concluded that one is very likely to do that if they remain in any kind of positive contact with an ex AND the person is single and on the prowl. I guess it's a familiarity thing. But the fact that he's with YOU now (and you two are happy together, right?), doesn't suggest he would feel the urge to sleep with his ex again.
If anything, you should be very proud of your boyfriend for being such a great dad who has maintained a healthy relationship with the mother of his child.
Now, can we talk about your username?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 August 2013):
I think that rather than confront him, this may serve as an opportunity for a broader conversation. Tell him you’d seen the text and assure him that if he’s going to see the ex he doesn’t need to keep this from you as you understand they’ll always share a child together so have to maintain contact, and preferably a good relationship. But I think after being together this long, assuming it’s serious and you’re planning to stay together (which it seems you are from the post), shouldn’t you now be getting to know his daughter anyway? Should he not have his daughter over at his place and, at least for some of the time, have you there too? She will always be his first priority and needs to be accepted and known to anyone he chooses to share his life with. So maybe tell him what you know, but use it to have this chat, rather than get defensive or angry. He hasn’t actually lied, he’s just omitted some information, maybe with the best of naive intentions. But honesty’s always the best policy to avoid trust issues and insecurities creeping in.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (11 August 2013):
I really think that the most important thing is his relationship with his daughter. If the best thing for that relationship is that he's friends with his ex then he should be friends with her and I don't see a problem with them hanging out together. Ordinarily, it is unusual for a guy in a relationship to do things with his ex but when there's a kid involved it is important that he maintains a good relationship with her. I think if they were going to work it out they would have already for the sake of their kid. I think a lot of people would like to be with the father/mother of their child because it's easiest on the kid. So the fact that they aren't together suggests that they really couldn't work things out and don't want to be together. You probably have nothing to worry about.If you really feel unhappy about it, however, it is a good idea to talk to him. Ask him if his ex was at the cinema and if he says yes then just explain why this makes you uncomfortable as calmly as possible and make it clear that you really do want him to do what's best for his daughter. If you're calm about it and don't accuse him he'll probably just explain to you that your fears are unfounded and his spending time with her is to do with making their daughter happy. If he doesn't reassure you, then at least you know where you stand.Talking things through calmly is always the best way to approach things in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (11 August 2013):
 Hmmm I think confronting him is the wrong way to think about this. If you confront and, as is possible, this is just a friendly relationship, your partner trying to do essentially the right thing and maintaining the family unit as best as he possibly can without being in a relationship with his ex, then confronting him will needless to say alienate him and cause unnecessary friction.
I think you need to see this as you voicing your concerns rather than a confrontation which is something you have a right to do and I understand them to a degree, however, you do have to remember he doesnt stay over and he may just be separating you from the family unit which I feel is kind of legitimate in the sense that your relationship is something apart from that.
I wouldn't say anything to him before this because I kind of think that is unfair on the child, putting him in a bad mood for seeing them. You need to do it afterwards and clearly articulate how you feel and see how he responds, do prejudge this and assume the worst, you have a right to have your feelings respected and listened too but he has the right to a fair hearing. I think this is one thing where communication is key and rather than letting how you feel fester you do need to speak out but do not see it as 'getting at him' and do not assume the worst, good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): what's the problem with that text? is it that she called him 'hun'? some people call everyone 'hun'! is it that she's going too and he didn't tell you? if so, just casually ask him if she's going too. if he says yes, no problem. if he lies&says no, there may be cause to worry, tho it could be a white lie so you don't worry!
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