A
female
age
30-35,
terrifenby
writes:Its like a taboo subject isnt it. A lot of people judge teenages who fall pregnant, i know this all too well. I was at the tender age of 15 when i had my first daughter then caught on again at 17 and had my second daughter. The remarks you get the way people expect you to be a bad mother. They look down their noses at you. But answer one thing does the age of the mother really affect the way the children get brought up. Do they recieve less love and care. My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. And if i could go back and change my past there is not one thing i would possibly change. They are my life.I find it annoying that teenagers dont get the praise they deserve, it takes a lot of strengh and courage to keep that baby when you find out you are pregnant. Every thing you know changes and the hardest thing to adapt to is the fact that it isnt just you anymore there is another little life that you are responsible for.Dont get me wrong i am not saying that more teenagers should go out there and get pregnant, i think a lot of kids these days are having babies because every-body else is. I think the sex education needs to be a lot stronger, children need to be taught from a young age the reprocussions of having sex. It is not an easy job, that is what it is...a job. A full time mum 24hours a day 7 days a week. There is no breaks. You cant hand them back when they get too much. And it doesnt stop when they reach 16 or when they move out, they are still your children and still need looking after. My eldest is 3 now. By god is she a handful. She starts school after easter. She is very strong willed and clever. Too clever if you ask me. Could i imagine my life without them. No. They are my life. I had a lot of problems before my angels came along and i honestly believe if i had not of had them i would not be here today. Or maybe i would have been, but as a drunk and drug addict. Those kids have given me the strengh to carry on. Unlike my childhood a aim to give my kids the very best that is what they deserve. No body is more important to me than those two.The reason i am writing this is because i would like to hear off other people who were maybe teenagers when they had their first child or teenagers who are pregnant now. I want to know their experiences. Teenage pregnancy should not be brushed under the carpet it should be talked about. So if you have a story please tell us. We want to listen. I want to listen to all those people who have not been listened to before! Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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reader, terrifenby +, writes (30 May 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the question oh and i was 16 when i had my frst baby, 15 when i fell pregnant. i moved out of my mums as soon as i had her (personal reasons) i got a job and lived with my bf who then came to rely on me. my family have not supported me. And i have alson recently signed up on a university course. yes people who dont go get pregnant underage should be praised but what about us that did, and didnt rely on others to support us, didnt gove up on education ad have made sure no matter what that the kids have every thing they need. that make sure they kids dont grow up on a grotty council estate? dont you think we should be praised too? or are we tainted by the stereotype about teenage mums? you would think in this day and age people would think differently and realise that not all teenage mums are going to bum off the government and that their kids will end up been thugs!!!
just a thought, i mean like ive said before everyone entitlted to their own opinions!
:)
p.s thanks for all the responses.
A
female
reader, terrifenby +, writes (30 May 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEvery one has their opinions on this subject, some my see where i am coming from and some may not. I have not had it easy, my life has not turned out all rosy, but i try to make sure my kids have every thing they need. There have been times when i didnt have the money to feed myself but i would go without any day for my kids. What girls need to know is that it isnt as easy as what you may have heard. things dont get easier as you get older as your kids get older. And what i would say to any girl thinking of having a baby, is wait. live your life now and have fun. and for those who are pregnant or already have a baby, i wish you all the best of luck and im sure you are great parents.
i just hope people could stop judging teenage mums as much and give them the help and support they dont get because poeple are to busy expecting them to do wrong..
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reader, jumpupshoutout +, writes (16 May 2010):
 i got a lot of greif when i was pregnant except i was having sex at 12 And found out not tht long after i was 13
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reader, Emaz help +, writes (7 May 2010):
 what so teenage mums are better and need more praising than the adult mothers? even though the adult ones usually have to hold down a job, pay their own rent and bills and wouldn't get as much family help while teenage mums get the roof over their head paid for them whether its from their family or people who pay tax like me, the only thing they need to do is look after a child and maybe carry on with their education. Yes they don't get to go out partying or hang out with their mates but that was their choice when they didn't use protection,most teens would claim that it was 'an acccident' but in most cases....it werent, they just wanted a child. It shouldn't be encouraged to have a baby so young, just because things for you (no offence at all) have turned out all rosy it's not goin to be the same for i'd say 80% of others. I'm not going to say that being a teenage mum isn't hard but so is just being a mum in general. I think those mothers who can give their children a stable up bringing, who work,don't receive benefits and have the dad around should be praised. Im not slating you at all because it seems that you are making the best of things and providing for your family and i'm pleased about that but it seems that you are encouraging young girls to do the same. I'm just saying that it is best to wait and give your child the best upbringing you can. It's not a life if the mother is living in a tiny dirty flat in a tower block on a rough estate and visiting the job centre every other week and he can't provide enough healthy food, toys and outings for the child. The child will just become part of broken britain, angry and annoyed so will take it out on other people, usually people they are jealous of. Im sure that at first you didn't support youself, whether it was off your family or us, you couldn't, you were 15 and not even allowed to get a job, Please just don't take this as a critisism to you personally because it's not, im just saying in general. I think that teenagers like myself who have managed to get a good education plus go to college or 6th form and hold down a job as well meaning that they don't get one day off because they don't want to sponge off the government should be praised:)
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reader, Doomed-Love +, writes (4 May 2010):
 I'm with you all the way. Sure I bet there's a lot of things you wished you'd done at that age but I'd bet everything I have you would have given them up ten-times over for those kids. I'm 13 and I'm single, a virgin and have 0 kids but I'd love to have kids. Although there'd be a lot of things I'd miss out on, all I care about is makeing a family. I dream about it all the time. But I want to give my virginity away to 'The One' and I feel so lost because I'm not your "Skinny, athletic, hot girl" I'm brunnette weigh 9stone (I'm not seriously overwieght but I'm definatly a bit chubby.)WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?xEleanor -- 13yrs
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reader, x-sevii-x +, writes (29 April 2010):
 I have a friend who is 20 and has 3 children. she became pregnant with twins (boy and girl) when she lost her virginity (the boy wasnt her boyfriend, just a family friend), she was 14. she was 15 by the time they were born. even though she had to cope with twins, she still went to school whilst her mum looked after them. when she was 16 she decided to stay on @ school and do 6th form. her twins were 15 months old. she was doing well and got a new boyfriend. a few months later she got pregnant again but he broke up with her b4 she told him. when she did tell him, he asked her back out, but she turned him. she decided 2 leave school as it wasnt compulsary. throughout her pregnancy, her mum and the father helped her and she even got a new booyfriend who helped her. when she had her daughter all friends and family supported her. her mums house was now to small so when her and her boyfriend had enough, they rented a flat. 2 years on her twins are nearly 5 and her little girl is 2 1/2. she now goes 2 collage part time. and yes she DOES have difficulties with the kids but she also has support from her mum, boyfriend and the dads of her children. and even though she loves them to peices, she tells me not to have children now.
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female
reader, JadeGoesRawr +, writes (27 April 2010):
Just because your a young mum doesn't mean your a bad mum my sister got pregnant at 15 and had her daughter shortly after her 16th birthday she is now 19 and pregnant with her second child and she is a really good mum.Their may be times when she struggles, but then again so does every mum no matter how old they are, but she get through it with the support of me and the rest of the family.My sister provides everything her Daughter needs who is also 3 and extreamly strong willed and clever lol, but none of us would be without her she's a blessing and a handfull but she keeps everyons smiling :)Anyway I'm sure your a great mum and don't let other people get you down at the end of the day they don't see how much you do for your child. Just hold your head high girl, they don't know you to judge :)xx
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reader, $izZle  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I have met many people online who are 12-13 age to 15 years old also, but i really don't get it whats the big rush to have sex. Agreed there is always an attraction and curiosity but i really don't understand what is the big rush in finding some one that is cute and sexy and having sex, well it does take time to find some one that you can share love but its worth the wait because he would want to have kids with you because he loves you not because he/she made a mistake.
I could be wrong but i'm just not for casual sex. Sometimes when i hear all these comments from all the kids these days and the adults, i feel sad because they seem to value sex more than love.
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reader, terrifenby +, writes (17 April 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll i want from this post if for all teenage parents to be able to post. To tell us about the good and bad experiences. Because as we all know some are not fortunate. But they still all need support and some have no where to get it from. So i want those people to feel comfatable enough to reply to this post. I was underage and in all honesty if i knew i would get my girls exactly how they are now then i would have waited. I just want there to be some where that teenage parents can talk about their experiences and we all know that not all of them will be good ones. Therefor it will show all thekids that are thinking they are ready both sides of the story and not just mine!
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 April 2010):
 KC, I agree with everything you said 100%.
I think what we want to try and get across is that teenage pregnancy should not be glorified, and it should not be encouraged in any way at all.
OP, I am glad for you, that your life is working out for you, as you seem to have your head screwed on, and are lucky enough to have a partner and money to support your family. However this really is NOT the norm. You only have to do a quick search on DC to see, that most teenage girls with babies are single, on their own, and in terrible trouble. The fathers have run out on them, parents are taking the strain, and often they quit school as they cant cope. They take hand outs left and right and don't see anything wrong with it, then more kids come along, and it becomes easier to just take what they are given, rather than go and work.
I note you said you were 15 when you had your first child, now I am not judging you, but this legally is UNDERAGE in the UK to have sex. So really, you shouldnt have been having sex in the first place. The fact you have, and the fact you are now telling everyone about your lovely babies, gives the impression to these other 13, 14, 15 year old girls, that it is OK to have sex at their age, and that if they get pregnant, they could be just like you. They will have the bouncing baby, the flat, the boyfriend, the money. It gives them ideas, and it gives them a false view of how life really is for an average teenage mother.
I hope you had a look at those links KC posted. We get too many questions from these 14 years olds who are "ready for sex" and "ready for a baby". Trying to tell them that having a baby at their age is difficult, having sex is illegal and they shouldnt be doing it, is usually like bashing your head against a brick wall. They just dont believe us. They think they are mature enough to handle it, and grown up. They are "Adults". But they are not. They are hormonal kids, who are still growing and know very little about the ways of the world.
Imagine if your own daughter was 13 or 14, and she came to you and said "hey Mum, ive been having sex with my boyfriend and I am ready for a baby". How would you feel?
Would you approve of people telling her how great it was to be a teen mum? Would you approve of her getting advice, that it is OK to have babies at any age, and that you could still give them everything they needed? What would you do if she deliberately went out and got pregnant at 14 because she thought she was ready?
You would be a Grandma at 29/30.
We have a responsibility to these children, to let them BE children and grow up slowly. You may be an exception to the norm of teenage mums, but please, do not encourage other vulnerable children to fall into this trap.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Alright, Im not a teenage mom, but here's what I think. I think most tenagers who get pregnant do it out of stupidity. There really is no way to "accidentally" become pregnant. There's that one in a million chance, but most of the teenagers I know who became pregnant just didn't care enough. They didn't use a rubber. They didn't take the morning after pill. They had sex while on their period because it was supposed to be "safe". Or they were selfish and tricked the guy into it. One of my best friends tricked her guy into it, but I say he had it coming if he wasn't careful enough to watch her take her pills. She actually just stopped and "forgot" about her pills. Clever.
But, once they've fallen pregnant and once the baby is out, I do not judge. I might not like what they did, but I dont say it to their face. I don't doubt they can be great parents. Many adults end up as horrible parents. But I think their reasons for getting pregnant are wrong and selfish, especially when it onvolves tricking a guy into it. That is selfish no matter how old you are.
Its completely different if a couple of teens got together and actually wanted children together and were prepared. Them I would possibly feel jealous of, because I always wanted children myself, but have yet to reach that state in a relationship where we try for children. But that doesn't have anything to do with their age, I'd be jelaous of any couple who have reached that stage where they want children together.
Your children are the best thing that happened to you, but they will be the best thing that would happen to you if you got them 5 years later as well. You'd still love them and they'd still be your life.
But you know, I can't forget about my childhood best friend. Her mom got her when she was 18. And soon after felt the need to relive her lost youth, left her daughter at her grandparents and left her! Then came back years later and ripped her away from everything she knew. My friend was often left alone at home while her mom was out with her boyfriend. I don't think her mom was a responsible person at all, and leaving her daughter when she was young just to come back and take her away against her own will... Just to top it off my friend ended up at a child senter for a year or so and then had to go live with foster parents until she was old enough to live on her own.
So that pretty much sums up my personal experience with teenage pregnancies.
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reader, terrifenby +, writes (16 April 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry.
i have not once stated i was single!
thats what its meant to say
:)
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female
reader, terrifenby +, writes (16 April 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not once single i was a single parent just that i am a teenage mum! I do not intend to encourage any sort of teenage pregnancy. I just wish that people would not always judge teenager parents. There are some out there that do bum off the government, but wheres the praise for the ones that dont, that yes made the mistake of having children young but have done their very best to make sure that their children have to best. The ones that stay at college and get good jobs. All i want is for people to recongise those parents, the unfallen, but some reason foregotten ones....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010):
You raise some good points, and whilst I think there are some good single teenage mothers out there, a single mother (or father) can not offer as much to a child as a child with both parents can.
Society should always seem to encourage an environment that would be most beneficial to children and that is to ideally have two loving parents. Sorry if that that makes you feel excluded, but statistically, your children will have a harder time in their lives than children who grew up with both parents, and parents who were older when they had their first child. Children of single parent mothers will have less opportunities in life and they will most likely have less coping skills than a typical person, from personal development to skills with handling all kinds of relationships.
I'm sure you will be a great mum, but lets not actively encourage an environment that is not best suited to a child. Encourage a two parent family, and discourage against single parent families. But you are right, we must not forget that many single parents ARE excellent parents.
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reader, terrifenby +, writes (16 April 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand there are some very silly girls out there who think having a baby young is cool! It isnt! I also agree that it is 100x harder having child young, because you have to work your ass off to prove you are not like all the other teenage mums. We live in a private let we pay our own rent. At the moment things are tight, my partner is an apprentice will be a fully qualifies plumber in around 6 months. But there is always food int he cupboard and my kids always have clothes that fit then and are clean. They interact with children of different ages. My youngest is at the moment to young to be doing the same activities the my eldest does but they both have alot to do. It is hard its very hard but there are alot of teenager mums out there that dont fit the sterotype. That are working on their careers. Most people dont see these mums because their attention is drawn to the owns that are struggling and are not coping as well. That was my point of this post, the ones that are doing some thing and not sitting on their arses waiting for the next benifit payment are not seen or heard.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Well that is great that there are some teenagers out there who are trying to improve their situations despite having kids so young - I have just never seen this myself! My only experience with teen pregnancies have all been the ones that end up in council flats and living off benefits so I guess my opinion has only been formed by what I have seen.
I can only think that having kids as a teenager is about 100 times harder than having a child when you are a mature adult so I am in no way underestimating how hard teen mums have to work, but just because it is hard does not mean we should all be going around singing their praises and advocating it.
I think my main promblem with this article is because the majority of teens that come on this site regarding teen pregnancy are not teen mums and have not had any experience of it - they are the ones that have silly questions like these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-a-baby-but-im-only-14.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-14-and-really-want-a-baby-im.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/nothing-is-putting-me-off-wanting-a-baby.html
I'm a moderator on this site and I see these questions so frequently and it just horrifies me that so many kids want to have babies! There is no sense in it and no reason to have one so young, so am I just a little worried that they will see this article and think great I can have a baby at 14 and I will love them lots and they will be the best thing in my life. It would be good to see an article to put them off having kids at 14 rather than encouraging them!
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reader, terrifenby +, writes (16 April 2010):
terrifenby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have alot of friends who are my ages with children..Not one of them dropped out of college or have been living off benifits.. They all have jobs and have not a decent education! I agree there are some people who do live off the benifits. Whether you work or not you are still a full time mum 24/7! I am not saying that it is ok to have children at any age.. i believe kids should be well educated of sex and pregnancy at a younger age then what its been taught at now! In your post you are doing what many people do and saying that teenagers with kids are all benifit bums and that the kids are going to grow up to be chavs as you put it! I understand that this is your opinion and many others share this with you...my point is that alot of people dont realise just how hard young mums work just so they are not seen the way that you described! The reason why alot of teenagers fall pregnant and keep ot to themselves os because people judge them the same way you just have! My aim is to let teenagers know how hard it is to have babies soo young and the massive effects it has on your whole life. I am not promoting it and by far do i think its ok! I jsut believe there are teenagers out there who are still in education and working with young children that are not getting the praise they need, because they havent bummed off the government!
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 April 2010):
Well first of all I cant imagine how hard all this must have been for you so well done for getting to this point and raising 2 children!
However I must disagree with a lot of what you are saying, you are almost advocating teenage pregnancy and saying it is ok to have babies no matter what age you are because you will always love them! First of all here in the UK we cannot afford to support any more silly teenage girls that get pregnant, it is too expensive and frankly it is not good for the country to have un-educated teenage girls having babies who are then going to grow up on benefits and be equally un-educated like their mothers, who will then go on to repeat the cycle. What this country needs is for teenagers to stay at school until at least 18 to get a good education and then get jobs so they can contribute to the economy, rather than just sponging off it.
Many women manage to have careers, children and marriages, so why should it be acceptable for 15 year olds to stay at home 24/7 living off the state in their free council flat bringing up kids when the rest of us have to go out and work and pay taxes? Teenage pregnancies are just contibuting to the downfall of this country and will never be a good idea. All these kids are doing is creating new "chavs" to roam the streets in years to come. I am not saying this to be nasty, the reason for this is because as a teenager with kids they obviously cannot work hence they live off benefits, therefore struggle financially so they cannot give the children the enrichment they need to become well-balanced individuals, hence they are behind other kids at school, and end up in the same cycle as their teenage parents did.
And this is completely forgetting the strain teenage pregnancies are putting on the NHS! Teens have a much higher risk of complications during a pregnancy. They are particularly susceptible to have small/underweight babies (due to the body not being developed enough to allow the baby to grow properly), premature birth and high blood pressure. Small babies are 60% more likely to have health problems and even die at birth or in the first few weeks of their lives. Why should it be ok to have kids as a teenager when there is such a high risk of this happening? Dont you think the NHS resources would be better spent on curing cancer, and helping people that are really ill from something they absolutely did not choose. Rather than some silly kid thinking it is a good idea to have a baby and then the NHS having to look after that baby for months just because the teenager is too selfish to do the right thing and grow up!
As much as I understand you want to give the best to your kids, which is very admirable - the reality is 99% of teenagers who get pregnant cannot give the best to their child. They have not got the maturity, the money, the resources, the stable family environment......the list could go on and on! A child needs so much to grow into a well balanced adult, and teenagers simply cannot give them that. Think about this, which child would have a better childhood:
a) a child growing up in a council flat on a nasty council estate, where crime is high, dad is nowhere to be seen, mum is struggling for money....she cant afford many toys, trips out as a family, she cant afford a car to drive them to extra curricular activities
b) a child growing up in a house that mum and dad own in a nice neighborhood, mum and dad are happily married, they have good jobs so they can afford to buy their child books, educational toys, take them on days out to enrich their minds.....mum and dad are well educated so they can teach their kids all that they know, mum and dad are mature and have lead full and exciting lives before having kids so they can pass on all their experiences to the children
Now I know b) is becoming a rarity these days but still you have to agree that the child in scenario b) is going to grow up having had a much happier childhood than the child in a). This cannot be denied - money + a stable family home is always going to give a child a better life than what a teenager can offer a child.
I would disagree with you again and say that yes, the age of the mother does effect the way the child is brought up. Age matters massively! A 15 year old girl is still a child herself, she is not well educated, she has not lived her own life, she has not experienced life, she has no money, she is not mature, she is not worldy-wise. She has very little to offer a child apart from love - and that sadly is not enough to succesfully raise a child. Whereas a 28 year old woman has everything she needs to raise a child and give the child everything it deserves. Now I am not saying that all teenagers are bad mothers and all older women are great mothers - kids can still have a bad childhood regardless of the age of the mother. But you are massively disadvantaging your child if you have one as a teenager.
The problem is that this country makes it far too easy for teenagers to have kids and there is no real reason obvious to these teenagers not to have children. It is a shame that the country has ended up this way and I am not sure what we can do about it now, I just hope that we get a new government who will make some changes and stop making it so easy to be a teenage mum.
I hope you dont feel this is an attack on you - I dont know you personally so clearly I cannot judge you, and I'm sure you were in a certain situation that had led to you having 2 children as a teenager and it is not my place to criticise you. This is just my opinions on teenage pregnancy as a whole, rather than specific individuals.
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