A
female
age
,
*inRSF
writes:What is the advise out there to a woman who is married to a verbally abusive man? When anything goes wrong (flat tire, freezer not working, sports team lost?) it's because I'm a f-ing bitch. He shouts it over and over at me in front of our child; i.e., "you f-king bitch! You f -ing bitch.." followed by my name. This happens every few weeks, followed by me trying to be calm and say "why do you think I deserve to be spoken to like this?" Then his apologies, followed by him telling me that I deserved or caused the remarks. I realize that I fit the classic characteristics of a woman married to a narcissistic man, as well as being a long term people pleaser and my plan is to finally divorce him as soon as I am financially in a good spot. We have followed his career around the country for 3 decades (I was married very young - freshman year of uni). I have no family support - except from all three of my children who absolutely think I should split. My mom thinks I should stay for my affluent lifestyle and it would upset my dad's equilibrium; as long as the surface looks shiny everything must be great - right? I would appreciate any feedback from others who may have been in a similar situation. I should say that I feel I'm a better, happier, funner person when I'm not around him.
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female
reader, HinRSF +, writes (29 September 2010):
HinRSF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone! Good advise, good support - I appreciate it.
A
female
reader, BeautifulCapricorn +, writes (29 September 2010):
LEAVE! RUN FOR THE DOOR!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Just very briefly as it has all been said, PLEASE LEAVE this man, no woman should ever STAY married for MONEY, an affluent lifestyle, to please her parents, or whatever it is to PLEASE OTHERS.
AuntyEm's reply was so on the nail - excellent, women are brainwashed into being people pleasers, but thankfully it is slowly changing. And NO I am NOT one of those who thinks you should try counselling, and I'm a counsellor, marriage should NOT be one long constant battle to get a partner to change, it is not a prison sentence that should be endured.
I really hope you have reached the point of no return and LEAVE, take your children and go, YES it will be tough, but NOT as tough or as lonely as STAYING. It will also show your children, that people do NOT stay in relationships that are abusive.
Forget about being financially ready, there will always be something to put it off, and besides MONEY is not everything, but peace of mind, freedom and to be able to live with choices and NOT be abused on a regular basis, IS!
Good luck, be strong and go and LIVE your life!
Jilly xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): you certainly dont deserve this treatment.i am also a victim of verball and occasionally physical abuse. i am trying to build the courage to not accept this behavior anymore. you should too. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I should say that I feel I'm a better, happier, funner person when I'm not around him.
seems to me you should not be around him, work out what you need to do in order to be safe and cared for (saving etc) work out your exit plan and then head for the hills, or the beach, or the sub tropical island, or the high rise apartment or where ever you want to be.
I send you my best wishes, being a single mum is not easy, but it can sometimes be easier than what you left!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2010):
My mother is with my father, and has the same problem as you (he's a narcissist) . She also decided to wait until we were in a better financial spot. She was with my Dad aged 19, and is now 50. She has three children who desperately want her to leave. She is a long term people pleaser. You and her would get along.
The problem is that we've never been better off, because my father has remained tight fisted. If you think that by waiting around you'll be better off, you're mistaken. Your husband will make as much trouble for you as possible to prevent you from getting anything.
So surprise him and get the divorce ASAP. And as for your mother, tell her that you won't be staying with an abusive man for the sake of your father. That's got nothing to do with it.
Walk away now.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 September 2010):
 First of all well done for getting how you feel 'out there'. Its the first step to realising that life really matters, happiness really matters and that absolutely NOBODY has the God given right to treat you like s*it!!
There are probably a million reasons why your husband speaks to you as he does, it doesn't really matter what those reasons are because I can tell by the way you write that the abuse has been going on for a long time, you've tried to find a solution and plainly he doesn't care, doesn't want to change and has no regard for your feelings.
It made me laugh when you said your mum thinks you should stay, to keep your dad happy...see we live in a world where we are brainwashed into thinking that men come first and it's all about the money!!...at the expense of your self esteem, personal happiness and sanity!!...but the world is slowly changing!! We really DON'T have to take it any longer!!
I got out of an abusive marriage almost 6 years ago. I was 40 and had taken 22 years of pain. One day I woke up (after one particularly nasty set of brutalities) and I knew I had had enough!!.. I got out, took the kids (who were 13 and 16) found a job and bought my own home...the divorce was the easy part.
You have started saving money, this is good because you will need it. The kids are with you, believe me that is 99% of the battle.
There will be people reading this thinking 'Oh why doesn't she try to negotiate with him!' 'Why doesn't she try marriage counselling' 'Why doesn't she try talking to him because the marriage is the most important thing!'... this is ALL retrospect...you are WAY past all of this, his abuse of you continues and you are suffering.
My mum said something profound when I told her I was getting a divorce, she said 'Angie even a dripping tap will eventually wear away a stone' and she was right. Years and years of abuse, even in small amounts, will destroy a marriage.
My husband made no effort and accepted absolutely no responsibility for what he did, to him it was all my fault, even though I fought for years to keep things 'happy'. I realised I was just a convienience to him, someone to raise his kids and wash his dirty pants. He didn't love me and used me as a 'whipping boy' for all his frustrations, whilst living the high life himself!
I haven't found anyone else, there are days when I feel lonely and days when I feel so happy I could burst. These days I live for me and my children. I never regretted walking away.
I hope you find the strength to do whats best for you xxx
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A
female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (29 September 2010):
You should definitely split, cite spousal abuse as the reason, and take him for all you can get. Surely that means you can continue your "affluent lifestyle" for some time, which would assuage your mom's worries.
Abuse is abuse and it can be used in court. Make friends with someone who is in the law field and see exactly how far you can run with it; if rock solid evidence is needed, invest in a recorder that you can carry around with you and turn on all sneaky like. If you don't have a friend in law, then invest in an hour of consultation with a lawyer, it could run you some money, just tell the husband that you're going to get your nails done or something so he can pay for consultation fees (pull out some cash).
Open a separate bank account if you don't already have one, that he can't access. You may want to start shifting any "joint funds" that you feel necessary into that account. Seperate everything that's yours from him so that if he DOES try to take from you, he won't be able to.
I've never been in your situation, not even close. But it sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Well I haven't been in an abusive relationship. But I grew up in one with my parents. And from a childrens point of view it was never fun seeing my mom get blammed for things that weren't her fault. I think that no women deserves to put down in a verbal and most definatly not in a physical way either. You deserve better than being told all this. And I think you should leave. Its not worth staying around so other people look better. What should matter always is how you feel and how you are. Since you say you feel better without him around. Then there's your answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Hi!
I am sorry to hear about your situation. My parents have both been married a combined 9 times so I have become fairly familiar with all kinds of marriage interactions and I will for sure say this man is def very abusive and illadvise in how he treats his wife. Im glad you brought this up because over time verbal abuse can lead to physical, which did happen in some of my parents relationships. It sounds like he has a hypersensitivity issue when he snaps on these things, theyre part of life, deal with it constructively. Who cares if the Cowboys lost again lol? Its a game!!....or if your michelin ran over a spike that fell off a goth's black dress lol? Come on man ... the guy needs to realize these things can and will happen and learn to deal with them accordingly and I feel its a sign of immaturity if he takes these things out on his wife and not at the gym, or during hunting (nothin like shootin a bird to cure your problems lol) Sex can help too as thats a release. Youve been with this gentleman (somewhere he deserves that title) for quite some time and if you feel youd like to give marriage counseling a shot, Id say go for it. None of my parents did that and had they done it, things may be different for them AND for me. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Life is short, why spend the remainder of it miserable? From what I read it seems you have already made up your mind to leave him, and just need a push to finally do it. I am on my second marriage, and I know its kinda scary to think about being on your own, but it really isn't that hard, just remember that if you decide to get out of this marriage don't be nice, get everything you can. Because I guarantee your husband will.
And if you are still hesitant about leaving, get a tape-recorder and tape him when he is being abusive, and every time you have doubts play it back.
good luck to you, and be good to yourself you deserve it.
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