A
male
age
41-50,
*quiri17
writes:The other day, my boyfriend of a year left his email account up on his computer. I know I shouldn't have looked through it, but I did. I know that was wrong, and even hesitated, but I still did it (I found out he was using his webcam in a sexual way with another guy back in April. We talked about it and worked it out, but I guess when I saw his email, I thought I may find something else out). Now here is my problem. I found emails to his ex-boyfreind (of 9 years ago) that said he believed they were soulmates. He goes on to say how he (my bf) feels bad for his ex's current bf since they are soulmates. His ex also said he believed they were soulmates too. There were other emails that said they were happy to see each other again and lay in each others arms. He also ended some of these emails with "I love you". Now these emails were sent about 2 months BEFORE we met. Since we met, there was one email in February of 2010 that said he (meaning my BF) received the birthday card and CD from him (his ex). He (my BF) goes on to say that he will of course keep the CD (filled with songs of loving and missing someone)and always be there for him, but that he needs to respect his boundaries. This email made me feel a little beter, but I don't know what to think about my boyfriend feeling like they are soulmates after 9 years. I understand that this was sent before we met (and I shouldn't have even found it), but it really bothers me, especially since it was only two months before we met and they still talk every once in a while. My Bf also said to me at one point that him and this ex can't really be friends because everytime they see each other, they would have sex. I think knowing that makes this even harder to understand. know there's a lot here but any advice/help/etc would be greatly appreciated!!!
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male
reader, Aquiri17 +, writes (29 September 2010):
Aquiri17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. It really made me feel better today. I think I was thinking along the same lines as you, just not as clearly. It really helps to hear this from someone else. Thank you again!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Ahhh, the ghosts of exes past! I can completely understand your feelings here, because I have been through something similar. My boyfriend and his ex even went on holiday together shortly before I started seeing him. Even though I know that it 'predated' me by a couple of months, it was a bit too close for comfort and it really bothered me during the first year we were together, particularly as he and his ex continued to see each other regularly in that time. So I perfectly understand the feelings of insecurity and fear that you have.
However, I think you need to put this in context for a second. Your boyfriend's response to getting the CD could not have been more committed to you, or more classy. He thanked his ex for it, and said he'd keep it to avoid hurting the ex's feelings. But he also told him in no uncertain terms that their close communication could not continue because of his new relationship. That suggests to me that he's very much into you, and will do much to avoid jeopardizing your relationship. If he was really thinking about cheating (emotionally or physically) he could have continued the sentimental vein of their conversation in private - but he didn't. THAT, my dear, is the really important fact here, which trumps all others.
As for the 'soulmate' stuff... to be honest, that's a bit of a cliche. If I had a dollar for everyone that said that every day without it being remotely true, I would be the richest person on the planet. Also, people say the darndest things when they're lonely and single. If the pair of them had been such wonderful soulmates, then logically they would still be together. Wild horses couldn't drag them apart. Clearly, however, things didn't work out. They weren't compatible in some way, and the relationship broke down. That means they weren't soulmates at all. So there's plenty of room here for you to be 'the one'.
Bear in mind that building a new relationship takes patience. You can't have the total closeness of a longterm relationship immediately - but you do have the opportunity to build it, day by day and week by week. As time ticks on, you WILL feel less and less insecure about this, and your confidence in your love and your new relationship will keep growing. Personally, I worry less and less about my boyfriend's ex the longer we are together - in fact, she and I are now quite good friends. I am sure the same thing will happen to you! :)
If you feel really insecure, I think you should talk to your current boyfriend about this. Keep it non-confrontational and calm - remember, he's done absolutely nothing wrong here! You don't need to explain about seeing the emails (which was, as you say, wrong - but a temptation that the majority of people have fallen into!). You can open by telling him how very much you care, before moving on to explain that you realize that his relationship with his ex was very close, and that sometimes you worry about measuring up. Let him see a bit of your insecurity and hurt, but also make it clear that you want to be able to build that same closeness with him in the longterm. I am sure he will rush to reassure and comfort you. Good luck!
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