A
male
age
41-50,
*oplay1
writes:My spouse and I are at odd ends! I want to know if it is wrong of me to not give my spouse my email password. I have been told time and again that when you are married your not allowed to have personal email's or anything that is not disclosed. My spouse says I don't have the right to keep such things private when your married. I am just plain confused! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Why are you still married? OK, this is my answer to the both of you. I am not going to make any judgment as to who is telling the truth, as it doesn't matter for my answer.
My wife and I believe that a marriage is an open book. We have joint back accounts. We can access all of the others emails and discussion groups. She reads most of what I write on this board. She will sometimes read what I write and suggest changes before I post. I write some of her answers on her boards and let her edit them, delete them or just post them as is. We tell each other the truth. Yes, if we are pissed at the other, we will hold it inside most of the time so as not to start an argument. That is how we see a marriage.
This is how we believe that discussions with members of the opposite sex should be handled. If one partner wants to talk online and flirt with members of the opposite sex then they should do it openly, with the others knowledge. If it is done in secret then it is a form of cheating and just opens distrust issues. If the other person doesn't like it then you compromise on what is allowed. Most anything is fine if there is common knowledge and agreement. If both want a sexually open marriage then fine. If no flirting or looking is allowed then fine. Anything is fine if both agree and are open with each other.
It appears that there are reasons for distrust in this marriage. However, even if there were no reasons for distrust, I think that each partner should be able to read the others accounts. If there is a problem in the marriage then it should be discussed between the couple and discussions with others should be with the knowledge of both. Common discussions will only enhance solving the problem when both partners work toward a successful marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): so... you lied to us. you didnt 'forget' anything did you? i feel very sorry for your wife. you wasted all our time. as agony aunts and uncles we use dear cupid to give help to those who truly need and deserve it. and i made an account to do just that very thing. so here is the most accurate answer to your question. should privacy be allowed in a marraige? yes but in your case as another before me said you dont deserve privacy. only packed bags courtesey of your poor wife. good day.
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A
female
reader, susievee  +, writes (31 October 2009):
Dear trial and retribution
I think that is good advice.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Ohhh Mr Q. Why must you continue to be so kind to this guy. See, what we have here is what every man who has been burned secretly dreams of. We cant take our aggressions out on women when they are dishonest and unfaithful. When we see a man do the same thing though, it is open season on his ass.
I am picturing this piece of fecal matter in a room full of pissed off men who have shoved down years of festering aggression towards liars and cheaters.
If his wife really wanted to burn him she could just send his current location to any of the millions of men who really need some release. She would save on attorney fees as well because there would be no need for a divorce.
See, its actually a therapeutic thing from my point of view. Think of all the men that could unload that frustration?
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 October 2009):
OK I am pissed off at you now! Flame away everybody but I don't give a shit.
Mister- You are yanking our chains here and I for one don't take kindly to it. This half truth, half assed attempt for sympathy will not fly here any more.
Real men dont play these kind of games and you might want to focus on telling the truth and saving your marriage if you can.
If I was your wife you would be picking up your belongings in the front yard with a bloody nose right now.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 October 2009):
So simple to solve. Get your own private yahoo or gmail account right now. There, done!
Now as for being open and honest about everything. That is simple too. You don't have to discuss or divulge everything and you shouldn't if it is not directly relevant to her and your marriage. Women are exactly this way and we should not get suckered into a double standard.
If you do something that is a breach of your mutually understood boundaries such as emailing a co-worker with sexual innuendo then you f'ed up and you should try to imagine your wife talking dirty to her boss if you cant see my point. You have some other things to deal with if this all comes down to fidelity.
If you talk to a male friend and you confide about life and your marriage without any of the reservations that you must use when talking to your wife, then that is your dammed business and ultimately she should be glad that you do it.
Women confide in each other and discuss very private aspects of they're lives and men can and should do the same. This is normal.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Seriously, how difficult is it to set up multiple e.mail accounts? It takes, what, maybe 4 minutes to set up a new account. Different e.mail accounts for different purposes. Some you are happy to disclose and some she doesn't even know the existence of. Incidentally, assume that any computer or smart phone that you don't have control over 24/7 will be compromised by bugging software.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Interesting that your wifes question which is posted right above this one paints a different picture.
You "forget" to mention that you cheated on her.
And you "accidentally" put the wrong age when you posted this.
The first especially paints a different picture.
Should a person be forced into a jail is a DIFFERENT question then should a convicted criminal be forced into a jail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): you are entitled to your privacy in a marraige and she should realise that. however if you have nothing to hide then show her your mail. just keep your password private.
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A
female
reader, susievee +, writes (31 October 2009):
Are you okay not knowing his password? If something came up and you knew there was information on his account that would give you some insight, (hypothetically), would you still feel the same way? If you are not hiding anything, I am sure he would be able to see that at a glance, and not have to dissect everything. If you have nothing to hide maybe just letting him have a quick peek would satisfy him and he would leave you alone. It's a tough one, I don't know what to say. It's your call.
Susie
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (31 October 2009):
as to markingbad's reply, i know the name on his email accout just not the password. More deception. GOOD ANSWER
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 When and why did you get married?
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A
female
reader, hannahgolightly  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Hello,
your wife's request is outragious! Marriage is about sharing your LIVES with eachother, not sharing a LIFE. You are both two seperate people and that is vital in any relationship if it is to survive and thrive. A little mystery on either side does wonders for your sex life, remind her of that. Tell her also that THE PILLARS OF THE TEMPLE SHOULD NOT STAND TOO CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER. It is time to have a discussion about what being married means to both of you. Once you have assessed eachother's expectations, you can take it from there. If you don't have that talk, expect to hit plenty of bumps like this in the road ahead. Your wife has the right to an opinion, but you have a right to your privacy.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 What are you hiding?
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I did not know this before until after my answer, but this is her question
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-unreasonable-to-ask-to-see-his.html
Apparently he has had affairs.
My post is more relevent to people who haven't had an affair because it was not stated. However I have already emailed the poster of the other question.
He is still entitled to his personal privacy but most definately at the cost of his marriage. If he is not willing to try his hardest to prove his trustworthiness than she really has no other alternative.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Tell me the truth: WHY doesn't she trust you?
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A
female
reader, sammy3 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 well i know if my husband would not let me see his emails at all i would be very pissed i would think something is up, but we both need to look at eachothers email because we have important things coming in and we know eachothers buisness that way there we know whats going on no secrets. and why would you refuse to let her check ur emails or even look, if you had nothing to hide you would of the 1st time she asked or you would of said here is my password. there must be trust issues there also, like honningkanin said
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A
male
reader, Markingbad +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Of course your entitled to privacy. Married or not. Though if your looking for an easy life just open a new account and spam yourself and show her that.
Say "LOOK. HAPPY NOW".
Having privacy is essential i think. But then so is a certain level of trust. I guess theres more behind this issue.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (31 October 2009):
I agree with Gerta that this will leave a bitter taste in your wifes mouth and possibly feel there is somethng you are hidding rather than desire for personal privacy.
You and your wife clearly need to work out boundries. She may feel that she has a right to your email because there should be no secrets between you. If you persist in having your personal private email she may become resentful. However it is totally up to yourself. You will need to sit her down and state to her that even though you and she are married there are boundries for personal privacy you would like to maintain. Things like bank accounts, emails, diaries, ect.
A good example would be a diary actually. A diary is somewhere where you can divulge your deepest feelings and use as a release. It would be beyond rude to ask for unlimited access to read it when ever she wants as it would be violating your "safe world." And if she ever did read your diary behind your back, that would be betraying your trust. You can explain to her that either she trusts you to be honest with your feelings to her when you need to or she doesn't.
Pretty much goes for the email. Either she trusts you or she doesn't. She doesn't need your email account, but it normally does put peoples minds at some sort of ease. Personally my husband has access to my email, not because of some desire for me to go into his, but because sometimes I need him to go into my email to fetch me something. That and there are no boundries to personal space in my marriage. Not even the bathroom. Not because I need it, but because thats how we like it. If you are a person who needs his personal space, you need to make that clear to her so she doesn't become resentful.
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (31 October 2009):
 To me this is the eternal question about privacy and trust... it's irrelivent that private emails exist or not! You dont trust him - simple.
If he is hellbent on cheating, he will. You constantly checking up on him will only exacerbate the problem.
Personally I think he should have private email accounts which you know about but him not to hide. Afterall, would you go through his personally addressed (snail) mail?
Its a trust issue, deal with that first.
Steve
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (31 October 2009):
he also has a history of joining and spending a lot of money on dating services. He uses his email for comunicate with women he meets on the internet.
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