A
female
age
51-59,
*eppie
writes:My spouse has in the recent past had an affair. He hides his income He tells me that it is none of my business. i have no access to, or knowledge of his income. He tells me that it is not my business who he knows or what he does, and that i just get in his way. He has consistently lied about where he goes and what he does on a regular basis. I asked him in an effort to build build trust or repair the damage he has done to give complete honesty and discloser. I requested that he let me see his private email. He refuses and says he would rather be divorced than let me see his email. Am I unreasonable to ask to see his email.
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affair, divorce Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Sorry your husband was a jerk and a liar as well as a cheat. He doesn't deserve you; you will move on and survive. It's important for you to remember that you were NOT going crazy and that your intuition was right on. He tried to make you think the wrong was with you and your demands. Unmitigated gall. Jerk!
Take care and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): peppie, hugs from me. you will get through this, at least now you have irrefutable proof. now the slow healing starts and the first day of the rest of your life. goodluck.
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (28 November 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni did see his email..and while on it got an IM from his recent girlfriend of 6 months. i will spare you all the details and must say Trust Your Instinct. thank you all for the imput.
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A
male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (3 November 2009):
Personally, I think it's completely unreasonable for a married couple NOT to share important things like income, who they know and what they do. These are really some of the most basic, fundamental things that I would think any healthy couple would happily share with one another. E-mails are yet another thing that I believe a healthy couple would have no qualms with sharing if they truly had nothing to hide from one another. That being said, who am I to judge your relationship? Surely you were aware of many of these things before you married him, right? If you weren't, you really only have yourself to blame for the situation you are in. The answer to your question is that it does not matter what the rest of us have to say. If you believe asking to see his e-mail is a reasonable thing to ask of your husband, then it absolutely is.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Not the first time an excess of pride finished off a marriage. There is no I in we.
I've been married 22 years, my Wife sees every pay stub, and she has my e mail passwords. I don't feel repressed. To me this is normal.
FA
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (2 November 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbtw he has read all of the posts and says that you are all wrong, you just don't understand that he is standing up for his pride and dignity and you would all surely see it differently if you had more information or understood him.
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (2 November 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionas i am packing and talking to relatives who live very far away and have their support, my husband offered to open his email. he still maintains however that it is none of my business who he knows or what he does. i am getting myself out of this opressive relationship. I want to thank you all for your replies. i needed to know that i am not wrong or deserving of honesty and the knowledge of of what my spouse does as he tries to convince me. He has had me convinced that nobody would put up with a wife who noses into their business. i feel he has treated me like a slave or a woman in a third world country and it has destroyed me self esteem. i have lived my life without the love or respect that everyone deserves. I have a long hard road ahead of me, but i am hoping the sun will shine for again for me. I haven't felt happy for so long i don't remember what it feels like. Thank You All for your input.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 You deserve better than this, I'm sure.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I hope this whole experience has given you the motivation you need to dump this sack of crap like a bad habit.
This thing has been blown wide open right here in front of all of us and he has not done a single follow up. What does that tell you?
Being on your own is a little hard at first but you do not have to worry that this guy is the best you will ever be able to find. Actually you would probably have to work at it to find another this bad. There are plenty of good men out there and this one is the kinda guy that really pisses us off because he denigrates the male species.
I hope you keep us posted as you move on to getting a life free of this parasite.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (31 October 2009):
Holy group therapy Batman! I replied to his post and then saw this. I feel like I got duped!
Well it is not really about Email accounts anymore now is it?
I think it is interesting that this is unfolding here with all of us but I believe that you two have some decisions to make that nobody can make for you.
Sounds like you and he could use some marriage counseling if you want to try and save it.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Normally no. But under these circumstances full disclosure is reasonable and merited. The onus is on him to rebuild trust: this will help to a degree, and should be part of an overall willingness to be open about anything and everything. Withholding indicates he's probably either already up to his old tricks, or thinking about it.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Privacy is a private something between two people, it is up to you two to define it.
However, he said he would rather be divorced. That means he drawn a line in the sand and basically, the relationship is over.
A relationship is two people working together, not against each other and certainly not making demands. Well, a loving relationship is anyway. You two might be able to have a marriage of convenience, but not one of love anymore.
It is why my general advice on cheating is to end things. Because rebuilding trust is near impossible when one side has proven to be untrustworthy and far to often the cheater is unwilling to accept that the consequence of lying is not to be trusted anymore.
And your are not without blame either. You want him to prove himself. He did, he proved he is a cheater. Now you are asking to prove he isn't what he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Why are you still married to this insolent, awful person? Do you really want to spent your time and energy (your LIFE) worrying about what your husband is doing behind your back? Find the strength within you to END THIS marriage. I have been in a very similar situation, only my husband was careless one day and left his emails open on the computer. After having been secretive and reading his mail in private, and not giving me his password, I found out why! Of course he was cheating - as is YOUR husband. I would bet money on it. My new partner is just beautiful. I don't know his email password - but funnily enough I have never wanted it, and have no desire to read his emails. Why? Because he has NEVER abused my trust in him. Find someone with the same values as you, and as for the income thing...you are his wife, not his dog, his slave or his child. Of course you should know what he EARNS!! PLEASE leave this man!!! Oh and I can't believe he had the gall to post his own post up, with no details as to WHY you want his email password.
A more honest posting would have been as follows - "Dear Cupid. I cheated on my wife, and I am still cheating on her, hence I want to hide my email for her at all cost. I also don't want to tell her how much I earn - then she will realise that a lot of money goes to other women/hotels/whatever else I feel like doing that doesn't involve her. DOn't you agree that she is out of line by asking for my email address? I mean, my cheating habit is MY business, not hers. I'd rather just get a divorce than have her find out about my cheating and make my life difficult by hassling me about it. The cheek of her! She should be barefoot and in the kitchen where she belongs! Can any other cheating men please back me up on this?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I think it is a fundamental truth that a person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
Your husband is very deceitful, that is why he is so adamant about not sharing his emails with you as he is likely hiding a lot of things from you.
I think it is simply unacceptable to have no access to finances or knowledge of the status of your finances in a marriage. If you don't earn your own income it makes it that much worse, it is as if you are property, an indentured servent.
He betrayed your trust with the affair, it is on him to rebuild that trust and make himself an open book in order to do it. I think you ought to be able to have him on a very short leash if and until when you get over it and can move on.
He doesn't sound willing to do the work and wants to blame you for not minding your business, well it is your business you are his life partner, his wife.
He may come from the old school where wives are nothing more than adornments and he is a member of the good ol boys club and can do whatever he damn well pleases while the little wife is home holding down the fort.
I am for a marriage of equals, that means if I want to see your damn email then I shouldn't be worried to find anything in there that was objectionable. I don't think it is a matter of privacy, I mean I wouldn't open my husbands letters that come in the snailmail, and I certainly wouldn't put a keylogger on his computer and check his emails daily, but if I happened on one of them one day, I wouldn't want to be thrown out and written up as tring to invade his privacy, I mean you are intimate with each other and your marriage is based on joint agreements where each person needs to be enthusiastic about life plans and goals, so what are some damn emails so important???
He can't be trusted until he is willing to be an open book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I think it is a fundamental truth that a person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
Your husband is very deceitful, that is why he is so adamant about not sharing his emails with you as he is likely hiding a lot of things from you.
I think it is simply unacceptable to have no access to finances or knowledge of the status of your finances in a marriage. If you don't earn your own income it makes it that much worse, it is as if you are property, an indentu
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2009):
When and why did you get married?
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (31 October 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionby the way i asked to see his email. he keylogged my computer and accessed all of my information.
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A
female
reader, hannahgolightly  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Hello,
I understand how you are feeling. You and your husband clearly have issues that need to be addressed. Having said that, your husband has the right to his privacy. If you did have access to his email account, what would that solve anyway? Would it prove that you cannot trust him? Or would it prove that he cannot trust you (not to look at messages that were not sent to you and are none of your business)? This advice may seem harsh, but I am trying to point out that watching your husband's every move 24/7 will not solve your marital problems and embarking on controlling behaviour is not good for you either. I think it's high time you went to see a marriage councellor to resolve the underlying issues that are ruining your marriage. Either way, you have to find a way to free yourself from the pain this situation is causing you because you don't deserve it. Ultimitely, you deserve to be with a man who is trustworthy and faithful, then you will be able to see how having access to another person's email account is simply an invasion of their privacy, which everyone married or otherwise has a right to.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (31 October 2009):
When you make a mistake, you have to swallow your pride and admit, "I screwed up," and face the consequences.
Losing someone's trust is a huge mistake. If you do this, then it's your responsibility to do whatever it takes do patch things up.
Fatherly advice made some very good points.
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A
female
reader, sammy3  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 yah i would say f*ck it get a divorce, you know something is going when he wont let you see his messages. if it is a cell phone, he takes showers right? check then... if he takes it into the bathroom go in pee and grab it or just sneek in, he goes to sleep check then... go threw wallet check for things. that is what i did to my last serious boyfriend that is how i knew he was cheating, boyfriend for 3 years ended very quickly and we were very much in love, i didnt think i could do it but i did now i am happily married... for now lol i still do like to check cause i have trust issues but he knows that and understands the only way i feel safe is if i can have axcess to mail cell and wallet i know creepy but i feel safe and im really feeling i dont have to do this as often as i use to when we first got together, i hope everything works out for you
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 October 2009):
I was curious when I saw those two posts together. So advice for the both of you. . . .
during a period of rebuilding after a betrayal of trust he (the betrayer) will naturally lose some of his privileges of privacy. In order for you (the betrayed) to regain trust in him he will have to be honest and faithful, and you will be able to check up on him to see that he is. The threat of leaving you is somewhat hollow as he has already stepped outside of the marriage for an affair. But threatening in a committed relationship (or any form of coercion from either party) is a sign that the relationship is not based on love but on power. Therefor unhealthy and quite likely broken. You cannot force him to fully disclose his financial and online activities. On the other hand he must do it in order to heal the relationship.
You have been advised to get a counselor and set boundary's. This is very good advice as you two are unable at this point to resolve this matter in a healthy way. Q has also suggested accommodating him in his desire for a divorce. I see no other outcome if he refuses counseling and thinks he can rebuild your relationship by beating you into line.
FA
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Peppie you have an email.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (31 October 2009):
 No it's not unreasonable, especially since he has a history of infidelity. A man who was interested in saving his marriage would do whatever it takes to make his wife feel secure and trust him. He obviously doesn't care whether or not you trust him or even if you are happy. Remind him that he can either willingly disclose financial information now or wait until your divorce lawyer gets a court order and forces him to do it.
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (31 October 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrecent bank statements show charges for dating serveses and sexual enchencement drugs. He has violated trust and degraded our marriage. He claims he doesn't do these things and has nothing to hide. i feel justified in asking him to prove it.
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (30 October 2009):
peppie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way HIS post is "Should privacy still be allowed although you're married?" and he is much older then 30-35.
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