A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello people.I was reading an article about relationships today, and it said that you can't go into a relationship expecting that you won't need to adjust your personality.This seems like a pile of horse turds to me, but I was wondering what you all think. Have any of you changed for someone?I've lost a job and a boyfriend in the past because I refused to act differently for them. The job was being an au pair, and my host family wanted me to be more chatty, more "interested in them", and spend less of my free time on my own. I happen to like being on my own. I think I'm just naturally an introvert, and acting differently would have felt fake to me. I didn't change much, and they decided to find someone else. (I got another job though, so it worked out for everyone.)With the boyfriend it was mostly a case of him saying "You need to grow up and be more serious" a lot and me replying "We're too young for that kind of talk, you need to grow down a little and have fun". Didn't really work out.The thing is, I look back on both of these experiences and think that they just weren't right for me. If someone doesn't accept me as I am, we're not supposed to be together. If someone's going to ask me to change, I'm going to dig in my heels and continue to be myself. I like who I am and though I'm growing and changing naturally all the time, I will not put changes in place because of being told to.Does anybody else feel this way? Or do people really have to change their personalities for others? I'm interested to know what you think. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (10 June 2014):
 Essentially we are who we are, I believe we are set and yet given different environments circumstances we do adapt or adjust left or right of our comfort zone. Over time we learn a mixture of ‘skills’ from all we have experienced and learnt thus is the making of our social traits. However, some of these adopted (new) skills do take some effort especially if they conflict with our set make-up… Asking one to be, ‘more chatty’ when you’d rather retreat to relax on your own can be challenging for an introvert.
When it comes to work; e.g. my girlfriend was an au pair and had to find a balance when it came to fitting in with each family, which is usually directed by the given family. Primarily adjustments and adaptability are called for in this particular vocation. Sometimes it’s a case of being the right hand that matches their glove. Other times you’re replacing an au pair who has left and you’re desired to slip into their place along with their personality attributes. They perhaps could have stipulated that requirement for an extrovert in their advert?
When it comes to your relationship, it sounds like your boyfriend needed to relax a little for your liking? Some guys do take/have a more responsible approach for their future and while this shows good character, you can always be the one to positively assure him and reinforce there’s time for fun. No point growing that such older before your time.
From a different perspective; for me a personality is reflected on the outside of a person, it’s what draws you to somebody; it’s the trait that makes people feel comfortable to be around us… Engaging in conversation, how they interact with strangers and friends etc. The character for me even though considered one and the same as personality, is more personal, it’s about the person we live with... Take their stubbornness for example, digging in their heels; now that’s about attitude!?
CAA
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Like other people have said, there's a big difference between radically altering your personality ( I don't think it's even possible even if one wanted ! ) and being capable of functional, intelligent adjustments and compromises where the situation requires.
Personally, I am the type that loves to do everything unhurriedly and thoroughly, one thing at the time. I am calm and reflexive, I do not freak out , panic or overreact easily , and I like to give time and attention to what I am doing. Therefore, my ideal day would be : wake up, one hour to breakfast and read the daily newspaper from the first to the last page , another hour to get showered, dressed and made up properly , one hour of meditation or other spiritual practices to get centered and face the day in the best possible conditions, another hour to tidy up and straighten up everything because I like coming back to a neat, cozy place , and one hour to read or listen to music because after all nourishing your mind is as important than nourishing the body ..... you can see that if I'd follow my natural rythm, the rythm that is so "me ", I would never be able to do any work , even as a free lance, and least of all I would have been employable in a corporate, 9-to- 5 environment, where instead I worked for many years. I did not change my personality, I just changed my habits, hours and routines . My personality remained the same, - luckily I was ( most of the times ! ) able to remain cool,calm and collected amidst of the turmoil and confusion of fast paced, high pressured business places. My personality HELPED me doing what I was supposed to do, holding on to my preferred rythms would have HINDERED me because I would have arrived at work hours later than the opening time and they'd have to kick me out after few days.
Changing or modifying habits and attitudes is not giving up your essence, your core. " Take me as I am , or leave me alone " is basically right, and I agree on that on principle, but in practice, what does it mean ? that if you are a smoker, you can't ever quit smoking and you have to suffocate an asthmatic boyfriend ? Or, that if you are a withdrawn , not talkative person you can't ever make an effort to join the conversation, out of politeness, at a dinner where a kind host has invited you and you have accepted to attend ? ...
It all depends , of course- from circumstances and common sense. Some times a certain flexibility is in order, and giving up some quirks or habits or mannerisms or what-you-call them does not mean changing who you are and betraying yourself, it just means being smart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's so much here that I can't really respond to very much or I'd be here all day."Adaptability is the key to success in anything and saying "it's just who I am" is a bullshit cop out for being lazy. It's nothing to do with who you are, it's an attitude that will probably just hold you back in a lot of ways"You've got me wrong there. I can adapt, and I'm not lazy. This is the 4th country I've worked in in the last couple of years (and I've only been here a month so forgot to change my location). In one of them I had to speak my second language all the time, which was a big change, and I stayed there for a year. I normally settle easily into new places and new families, all it takes is some wriggling about to see quite where I slot into a family. With that one family it didn't work- I was the wrong shape for the hole I was meant to fill. They were expecting a carbon copy of their previous au pair.Also, don't assume I'm looking for a relationship; I'm not. I move about far too much, for a start. It wouldn't be practical. Besides, I'm happy with how my life is going, and I like being independent. I'm making some friends here and they'll mostly be female, and that's ok with me. Far less fuss.I was reading a few horse turd articles because it was raining out, and I don't think I mistook it. It just made me wonder if many people actually hold that view.Last of all, I chose the wrong words when I said I asked my boyfriend to "grow down". Basically I wanted him to act his age. He was 18. He didn't need to behave like a 40-year-old. He kept telling me that "relationships are work" but when you're 18 I don't think that's true. I think relationships should be all about having fun at that age. No need to be boring before you've even left your teens. Shame he didn't think so, but that's life.
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reader, maverick494  +, writes (9 June 2014):
This is a difficult subject. Because I sometimes see people literally morphing into whom their boyfriend/girlfriend wants them to be, and they lose themselves because of that--which is of course terrible. However, being on the other end of that spectrum; completely rigid, is also terrible. Because then there's no chance for personal growth.
For two people to be together, like others have pointed out, some concessions and adjustments have to be made--within reason of course. It's like a dance, which means you're both involved. You shouldn't have to fully adjust to someone else's needs without them meeting you halfway. But you're different people, so you can't expect to fully continue on the way you did when you were single unless you're lucky enough that he has the exact same preferences you have.
As far as personalities go, everyone has annoying traits and habits. Everyone can improve on themselves. Criticism isn't always an attack; a lot of times it means someone cares about you enough to make you aware that you can do better. And sure, it can be painful. And you will have to take a real honest look at yourself to figure out if you agree with the criticism and if so, what you will do about it. Or at the very least, file it away for further pondering later.
People who can't accept any form of criticism or suggestions are usually stagnant in life, and limited in what they can achieve. So don't immediately recoil and hold fast to the "I won't change my personality for anyone!" mentality. Because your personality is a work in progress and always will be. That said, change should always be your choice, and you should never be bullied into it.
My first boyfriend had an anger management problem and he also thought he was always right. I pointed this out to him multiple times and he snapped at me because I had to "accept him how he was". Basically he had the hardest time accepting criticism because he accepted all of his flaws. I'm all for accepting your flaws-- when they're flaws you can do nothing about. Scars, disabilities, etc. Personality flaws: yes you can change. When you don't it simply means you don't want to or don't want to seek help so that you can. Of course my ex bf thought he was doing fine and no-one would tell him otherwise because they were afraid of his wrath. This is an extreme example where the idea of not ever changing your personality based on feedback you get from others can go wrong.
In short: be yourself, but always be open to suggestions for improvement.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Sometimes you have to consider whether the way you act is right for the situation you are in and for the task at hand - however, when you are at home, with your spouse, you are supposed to be able to be yourself and not have to put on heirs and graces.
Growth, and change, over time through learned and shared experience as a couple is good but if your significant other pushes for changed that only they want to see in you, which you are not comfortable with, will cause friction and bad vibes and that is never good for a relationship.
You are who you are and the trick is to find the person who matches you and work with them for longevity.
Of course, if you WANT to change to accommodate others, then go for it!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 Adjustment is needed in a relationship. Absolutely. But adjustment isn't change, there is a difference there. For example, when you were single you'd hang out with your friends all the time. If you're in a relationship you need to reduce time spent with friends in order to have time for your partner. Some go overboard and barely speak to their friends... big mistake. But most adjust, and see their friends, only less.
Another example: when single you can wake up early in the morning and sign a horrible song only you like with a cracked up voice. But when in a relationship, routines like this are best to adjust. Only start to sing AFTER your partner is also awake. Or when they aren't there. So you keep your love for early morning singing, just adjust the time.
Another example from my own experience: I have a temper. I get angry, I ca get extremely angry, pissed, a total b***. Of course, this doesn't fly well if I want a happy relationship. I can't fly off the handle each and every time I get upset or angry, I can't throw a tantrum or scream and yell and slam doors. I could be stubborn and say "this is who I am, I wont change for anyone!". But the point is: is this really something worth keeping? So I adjust. I don't change, I am still hot headed. But instead of bursting into flames, I now just simmer in silence until it passes. It makes for a happier relationship. Same me, just an adjustment. I've also learned to think before speaking when angry, so that I don't trigger a big argument by offending my partner in the heat of the moment.
The examples you show are cases where people wanted a drastic change, a change perhaps too big. You need to listen to yourself in order to know what is YOU, and what is just a bad habit you probably should work on to get rid of.
With adjustments I mean the same type of adjustments you'd normally make when around other people, in order to make every day life go smoothly. Don't leave dirty clothes everywhere even if you would normally do so when on your own.. things like that. But you need to figure out what is important to you, who are you, what is the core of you. Once you know, then those are the things you hold on to and don't change. The rest are often just habits you put on in order to fit in with the people you knew back then. Such as smoking.. it's just a habit, not the essence of a person. So asking to quit smoking is an adjustment. But asking someone to grow up or grow down? That's much bigger, and starts to enter the core-area of who a person is.
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reader, Mark1978  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 I do think there is a difference between changing our personality and being adaptable to a given situation. Relationships are about give and take and mutual compromise. Nobody is going to find a partner who is a perfect match. We all have to accept that, no matter who we have a relationship with, some of our personality traits are not going to be to their liking. For any relationship, or indeed friendship or professional partnership, to work requires a bit of mutual compromise.
Of course, I shouldn't grow dreadlocks, get a tattoo or start singing in a band just because my girlfriend wants me too. Non of us should become something we are not to please someone else to that extent, but I have changed the way I behave socially for a partner in the past because she found my shyness and fear of meeting her friends and family awkward.
I am very introvert, prefer to stay in, always feel like an outsider in any social situation, don't find meeting new people easy and prefer to avoid such situations whenever possible. I get tongue tied, I am shy and often use a mask of humour and putting myself down as a way to feel more comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that and that is a strong part of my identity, my personality, and I have spent so long living with that persona that I now defend that position and almost enjoy being quite stubborn about it. Yet with maturity and experience I have come to realize that, to a stranger, my shyness and lack of willing to chat may be mistaken for being aloof, uninterested (or uninteresting) or lacking social maturity. I look a lot younger than i am and I have come to appreciate that my lack of confidence in social situations makes me appear even younger and, therefore, less mature or experienced.
As much as I find it difficult, and as much as I feel I am not always being myself, I have learnt to be less willing to defiantly be myself, and more open to the idea of trying harder socially, making strong eye contact and being more assertive. I don't like doing it, but it has reaped rewards. In those situations I am taken more seriously and, in professional environments, I am judged by others to be more professional and experienced. We all have strengths and weaknesses, I feel it is beneficial in life to enhance our positives, and reduce our negative traits. In my past I have been too willing to repeat negative behaviours to the detriment of my happiness out of a stubborn refusal to change.
"If someone doesn't accept me as I am, we're not supposed to be together."
I have a friend who has never had a girlfriend. He is in his mid 30s and would love to have a partner. He says "Girls can take me as I am, or not at all! Im not changing for anyone!" I admire his spirit, but the fact is that women are not taking him as he is. They are put off by his childish streak, geekish behaviour, sloppy personal hygiene and often adolescent attitudes towards the dating scene and silly practical jokes. In such a situation, I would respectfully suggest that changing his approach and showing more of some aspects of his personality, and less of others, would be more beneficial than defiantly repeating the same behaviours which are clearly not working. He would not need to become someone else, or change his identity to suit others, but rather recognise that by toning down his geeky behaviours a little, talking less about video games to women in their 30s and smarting up his appearance would go a long way to getting him what he wants.
Im not good at meeting girlfriends parents or friends. I get nervous, but im never likely to meet a partner who doesn't have someone they want me to meet and be introduced to. Naturally they want me to man up and go through it, step out of my comfort zone and make a great impression. I can refuse as my own personality would love to do and be single, or I can accept that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. No pain no gain.
OP you say: "it was mostly a case of him saying "You need to grow up and be more serious" a lot and me replying "We're too young for that kind of talk, you need to grow down a little and have fun". Didn't really work out."
That suggests that you wanted HIM to change for you, but were refusing to budge on any change yourself. Perhaps a bit of honesty with yourself as to your maturity level, rather than a staunch refusal to change, would have been a positive thing? He must have been telling you that you were immature for a reason? I have also had a partner that suggested I should be more serious and grow up, I too refused by saying we were too young for all that. Looking back she was right. I was too immature and not taking responsibilities seriously. By refusing to change and defiantly carrying on being silly and blasé, I lost her to someone else who was older and more mature.
In work situations we have to be professional, respectful and treat others equally, whether we like it or not. If one is a giggly, chatty person who loves telling jokes, talking nineteen to the dozen and messing about then that is something they would have to massively tone down in the workplace. Either that or be themselves and never hold down a job.
"If someone's going to ask me to change, I'm going to dig in my heels and continue to be myself. I like who I am and though I'm growing and changing naturally all the time, I will not put changes in place because of being told to."
To be honest, I feel that's a bit immature. If someone who cares about you is suggesting a change is required, is it not better to consider their point of view? Think about whether they are right or if you are maybe displaying a part of your personality which may be driving others away or causing an issue, rather than just digging your heels in deeper and refusing to budge? In all aspects of life, whether it be relationships, work or whatever, we need to learn to accept constructive criticism and accept our faults.
"my host family wanted me to be more chatty, more "interested in them", and spend less of my free time on my own. I happen to like being on my own. I think I'm just naturally an introvert, and acting differently would have felt fake to me. I didn't change much, and they decided to find someone else."
OP your host family probably wanted to see you make more effort to be social, and probably took your introvert, singular persona as being either aloof, lacking social maturity or not taking much interest in the social side of the job.
In the past many people tried to "bring me out of my shell" and I used to be extremely defiant and defended my introvert personality to the point of being ridiculous. Now I realise why they were doing that. I was missing out on friendships, relationships and people who cared about me. Now I am older and have been through bad times im glad those people dragged me kicking and screaming out of my lonely shell as I have needed support and help from people.
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): OP people can't change their personalities that way at all. That article is either bullshit or you mistook it saying that you have to make the effort sometimes and leave your comfort zone.
You see at the start of a relationship most people are not themselves at all, they're on their best behaviour trying to impress. That's not a change of personality that's just making an effort.
That's why you get a lot of times from women this whole "you've changed" bullshit, the reality is we haven't changed, we're just more comfortable showing our true selves.
Unfortunately for a hell of a lot of women that guy's real self is abusive, but due to most people being idiots those women don't realise that and they stick around hoping he'll change again.
We don't have to change our personalities to suit others, ever. But we do have to adapt to being with other people. I'm like you, I could spend my life in my own company and not at all feel lonely or like I'm missing out. It's how I feel the most comfortable. It's not that I hate people, or fear them nothing like that, I just like my own space to shut out the world and relax. Luckily for me my wife is a kindred spirit and the first woman I can feel truly alone with if you know what I mean. We've spent the whole day today together, but we've been doing our own thing all day and haven't really discussed anything or spent time doing anything other than eat our dinner and share some funny youtube videos. Neither of us feel lonely alone and we're both people who suffer when not allowed our own space. I've had exs that really took that the wrong way and you'd be surprised how many were convinced I was going off them because I was happy being alone doing nothing when they need constant social interaction.
Saying that, OP at the start both of us made more of an effort. Can't exactly develop a relationship based on staying in and not even talking to each other. You have to bond with a person and you can only do that by sharing experiences and sharing your thoughts.
Being reclusive is not going to get you a relationship, you still need to make the effort.
Not doing so is not something to do with your personality, it's about doing what's required to get what you want.
We went on holidays, dates, did fun things and spent a lot of time together getting to know each other in terms of dating. If you're not doing that, people will not think you're taking them seriously and they're right, you're not.
You can't just expect a relationship to happen while you're off sitting home alone on your laptop or something.
can't expect people to take you seriously if you won't take them seriously it's that simple.
If you think not making any kind of real effort with someone is something you don't want to change then frankly, OP, you'll be alone the rest of your life, but it sounds like you don't mind that really.
Just remember not making an effort is nothing to do with personality, it's not a trait, it's just not doing enough to get something you want.
If that's the kind of life you want to have then fair enough, just don't be one of these people that stubbornly expects the world to just provide you with everything, and that you should have the things you want without having to make an effort.
Whether it's a relationship or work sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone and make the effort to succeed.
And this: "I will not put changes in place because of being told to" makes you rigid and spoilt sounding. Everything your way and you're probably really combative when people tell you they need something from you too. Well good luck with that attitude, OP, people like you are a nightmare to be with because you're not willing to solve problems if they require you to make an effort. In fact you take that kind of communication as an affront and will just close down even more and fight back for no reason.
Adaptability is the key to success in anything and saying "it's just who I am" is a bullshit cop out for being lazy. It's nothing to do with who you are, it's an attitude that will probably just hold you back in a lot of ways, and attitudes are not personality based, they're choices.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 June 2014):
 After being married for 39 years, both my husband and myself have most definitely adapted and changed over the years. Certainly any real personality changes were done voluntarily since I can't come up with an example. The secret is finding the person who is the nearest match for you and relax and go with the flow.
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reader, llifton +, writes (8 June 2014):
 Hey there.
I agree with you that you should be able to be yourself in regards to your partner. You should be able to completely relax around them 100% and have a great time. I feel that they should compliment you in that way. However, sometimes, you do have to be compromising. And I don't believe that compromising means changing who you are at the core. It means being flexible. Also, that includes being able to recognize and change bad behaviors in yourself. For example, when I met my current, I had a lot of things I needed to change about myself for the better that I never even realized. So did she. We had a rough beginning because we were in a place where we each called each other on our weaknesses and worked towards bettering ourselves for each other (and for our own good). Now, the person I've become is much more patient, loving, and understanding than the person I ever used to be in the past. Same with my partner. We both molded ourselves into the type of people we desire being for each other. But deep down, I haven't changed who I am. I'm still the same huge idiot and overgrown child I used to be - just better. I'm new and improved and I'm someone I'm very happy being. We molded to fit each other, and it just works. And if we ever split, the person I am now is much better off to be able to find another suitable partner. However, I hope that's not the case.
So no, I don't think you should have to change yourself. I haven't changed - I've improved. But you do have to be flexible. And if you are with the right person, being flexible won't bother you at all. It just sounds like you and your ex weren't right for each other. It sounds like you two were incompatible at the core. 99% of the people you meet you will incompatible with. That's just the waynir works. But when you meet someone you just flow and mesh with, it doesn't feel painful or annoying to be flexible. It feels good to make your partner happy.
As for the job thing - that's a whole differet ballgame. Most people have to put on a different face to go to work. With work, you have to be willing to be more flexible. When you're younger, you don't have to as much, which is why most younger people fly through so many different jobs. But once you find a career, you usually have a work personality and a home personality. In law school. Believe me, the person I'll be at work will not be like the idiot person I am at home. Work is a time to put on big girl pants and play adult. In your career, sometimes you just have to do that.
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reader, Malcontent +, writes (8 June 2014):
I don't think that you need to change your personality, but rather to make compromises. They may sound effectively the same however the aim is to be more empathetic to the other person, and likewise.It may be that you want to "dig in your heels", and continue to be yourself. That's fine. But understand the viewpoint from their side, and try to adapt to the situation better. This doesn't mean that you're becoming a different person entirely, but rather becoming more aware of what you do that could help benefit your relationship with someone.In response to the example you gave about your boyfriend telling you to "grow up and become more serious", maybe you're too relaxed? Not prioritising enough? It may have concerned him that you were not in it for the long-term and that -- potentially -- was one of the reasons as to why you two are still not together. That's not changing yourself, your personality and who you are. That's just becoming more responsible.For jobs it's a different kettle of fish. You're not going to have it forever, and there are different circumstances to what benefits and negates both parties -- being both you and the employer. Ultimately you can always find somewhere else where you will not have to change yourself to fit their own agendas or criteria.All in all, it's down to self-awareness, acknowledgement, and reaching compromises to what are valid reasons for you to do something different, rather than ignore it completely.
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