A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my best friend at work 5 years ago. She's amazing, outgoing, always the one with the funniest jokes and always the centre of attention. And that's the problem. She has insecurities about herself and about being lonely but you would never know it. She recently moved to my neighbourhood, I was really excited by this and started to introduce her to a couple of my friends as anyone would. We are very different, I have good friends but am much more reserved and introverted and probably keep people more at a distance whereas she is everyone's new best friend in minutes. I'm not jealous of her and have no desire to be like her, I'd find it exhausting, but when people start overlooking me to be around her it hurts....especially when it's people I count as friends. I really want her to be part of my circle but whilst I know it's childish it feels like she's stealing my life. She instantly started meeting up with them separately without me and because it's not done maliciously she doesn't think there's anything wrong with that.And it's not just friends....it's my style and my hobbies too, which I'm far less worried about but still. It's like she takes elements of my life, claims them as her own and does it better!!!I've told her how I feel about the friendships but it's not changed anything and I'm just starting to feel like I'm living in her shadow. What can I do to stop resenting this situation before I end up losing everyone by being so petty? I'm reluctant to introduce her to anyone else in my life case it happens again but that's not the way I want things to be and I want her to be happy. And in your opinion is it really ok for her to strike up these friendships with my friends and take over?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I agree with the female anon who suggest you STOP introducing her to anymore people and start working on seeing the ones you DID introduce her to, more. Or like Anon said "reclaim" them.
I think we all "copy" our friends a little, but try and do it our own way. I know I did when I was younger. But it wasn't a constant thing. YOUR co-working isn't just taking ideas and putting her own spin on it, she is (in her head and maybe a little in your head too..) competing with you. That is an odd thing to do in a friendship.
Has she not introduced you to any of her friend? Things she likes?
She kind of sound like one of those absolute insecure girls (and yes an insecure girl can have a lovely outgoing persona) who molds themselves on others. You know the kind. The one that starts liking things because either a BF or friend likes them.
If you feel like she is dragging you down...
If you two still work together, I would just be nice at work, and professional but slowly do less and less social thing with her.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I think you have to accept that this friend is unlikely to change without professional help. You need to stop trying to help this manipulative woman and reclaim your own friendship. You care about her, she doesn't care about you. She is using you to make her feel better. AS the Anon responder says, she is manipulative and taking advantage of your introvert persona to get one over you at every turn. You are someone she has latched onto as you are not a threat to her bid to be the centre of attention, and she can control you.
Your friend is very insecure, quite jealous and clearly feels a pathological need to make her self feel more worthy by undermining you and "beating you" at every opportunity. Its very common for women like that to dress the same as the other person, buy the same things and clothes, take on the hobbies the other enjoys with greater zeal and so on.
I had a male friend like that once: I bought a new camera, cost me a couple of thousand pounds, as im seriously into it, my friend didn't know an F-Stop from a Bus Stop but bought the next model up! Cost him £2,500! I bought a two year old Ford Fiesta Zetec, he turned up a fortnight later with a one year old Fiesta Ghia. If I got a £100 bonus he would tell anyone who listened that he had a got a £200 bonus, and so it went on. He would dress like me but more expensive, if I had something new he would buy the same but better.
He would take over conversations, be the centre of attention and would push me into the shadows in social situation leaving me feeling I couldn't get a word in edgeways.
Eventually I ditched the guy and left him to it. No point trying to discuss something like that as they wont accept they have a problem. In fact when I did discuss it he accused me of being jealous!
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): I had two similar 'friends' which I made when I moved to a new town and didn't know anyone. At first I thought it was great that they wanted to get to know me and do stuff. As we are all single one of the women would hit on any man I showed a vague interest in... and became quite competitive when we were out. She also seemed to control when we went out and what day and time - it was always convenient for her. The other woman was my neighbour and she would invite me round for a cup of tea and enquire about my life - I was pleased to talk to her. I later found out that she was not only passing information on about my hobbies, interests and even boyfriends to another of her friends in a similar situation but she was also secretly going out and buying the clothes I had bought - only spending twice as much and getting the better brand or the more expensive version. I have ditched both friends. Friends should make you feel good about life and yourself and they should not take things away from you. I completely agree with the other posts - narcissist. If you stop being her host then she cannot feed off you. Expect a little backlash but stay strong and build new friendships that support you. Other people she has leached onto will get wise in the end - she is just a novelty at the moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): Right here, right now stop introducing her to your friends and any family members.Reclaim the friends that she is trying to take away from you and start doing things with those friends WITHOUT her.Start distancing yourself from her and go your own way. Have an excuse handy and say you have other plans.If you still work with her, get yourself a new friend at work.These type of people will suck the life out of you and take whatever they can get and leave you with nothing to show for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): No, and the other respondent is right, you have a total narcissist on your hands and a manipulator. She's found a host - which is you - which is what ALL manipulators look to find - a way "in" and then either quickly or slowly you get dumped.I personally would not find it okay at all for her to meet up with these people independently so soon after introducing them. BUT you have to realise that whilst you come across on this site as a genuine, loyal and caring person, you also run a very big risk of being used as a naive sucker for people to get whatever they want from you.You say you are more introverted and tend to be a bit more reserved with people. Ask yourself why that is. The danger with narcissists is that they tend to choose people who they can immediately put in the shadows and who won't complain about it. You sound like a bit of a pushover.I say this because this has happened to me, more than once - and one time it was with my younger sister who I no longer have contact with. I have changed as a result, but it went much further down the line than your friendship with this woman. I got very, very hurt and used. You probably think we're nuts to be saying this and deeply cynical people but believe me, it comes from experience. She is the kind of person who will just keep doing whatever she needs to do and will give you NOTHING like the same care in return. Any time you try to complain she will either act upset and cry or will pretend to be totally innocent and act as if it is your values that are wrong. She will make you feel increasingly insecure about asserting yourself and, in all probability, will be so charming to others that they end up siding with her and not you. You'll get hurt. Caring for her feelings is a way of avoiding a lot of stuff in your own life - it's sometimes easier for us introverts to care for others 'cos it stops us from fully growing up and facing the world in full terms. It's actually a form of passive aggressive control on our part - yes, honestly. Take a good, long look at why you feel a need to help this particular person - voluntary work comes in all shapes and sizes and needn't cost you your self esteem and your social life.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 I used to have a friend like this. I felt the same way you do. After realizing that my friend was narcissistic, I ended the friendship. Her main goal was to feed her ego by being the centre of attention all the time, even if it meant stepping on other people. My friend was charming and witty and got people to believe in her immediately. Underneath it all she was a manipulator who used people to get what she wanted. Trust your instincts that all is not right here.
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