A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and we now have two children together. Our emotional situation has been constantly insecure. I learned early on he had been lying to me about a porn addiction and we tried hard to work through the lies and deceit, but this created a problem with trust and insecurity on both sides. He became aggressive and violent on a few occasions and I feel ready to wash my hands of him after the unforgivable behavior of physical violence against me. My dilemma comes down to... how much of myself am I willing to sacrifice to make this relationship work, for the sake of the children? I fear that without a present father, my children will lose a sense of family stability and suffer greatly. My own parents divorced when I was eight and I know the suffering and confusion that broken relationships bring to children. But I also fear that he will never be the father my family needs, and that if I stay with him, things could end up even worse. It is three years later and I have not seen any self-propelled change on his part. How do I choose between the lesser of two evils? Two uncertain futures... this is the hardest decision I have ever made. I am willing to give all I have to give happiness and emotional security to my two babies. Please help.
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divorce, insecure, porn, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I left my first husband when the kids were 3 and 5.. the younger son at nearly 28 has NO memories of us being a family and he grew up just fine and stable... went to college, got a degree, holds down a fine job and has a lovely gf....
the older son has disabilities but I do not think our divorce hurt him.. in fact, I think it was better for him as he always had a fresh parent to take him when the other needed respite care.
The key was my ex husband and I had ONE goal... that of raising our children to the best of OUR ability as NON-married parents... My ex remarried and the kids were with him and stepmom more than me (was a better idea all around) but I saw them regularly and I had input into their lives as I hope your children's father would for them.
There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent if the other parent is incapable of being stable and healthy.
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Greetings,Since I am reading your side of the situation I cannot judge effectively. You say he has an addiction but how do you define addiction? Secondly whenever I hear of physical disputes I am extremely wary about them since life has a habit of one person not willing or able to tell everything that happened like did you start it or what you define as physical?As for including the father in the family, does the guy WANT to return because if not then all this is moot.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Why is it so hard ? That sounds in fact a very easy decision, a no brainer. Heck no. You don't go back to a violent abusive man- you said yourself that what he did was unforgivable, so why would you forgive him ? ( Actually, do forgive him in your heart if you can, for your own peace of mind - but forgiveness does not mean having to resume the relationship ). I think too that you are using your children as an excuse to be weak .
Your children won't be without a father- if he wants to be involved ( and hopefully does not show any sign of becoming abusive to THEM ) and he acts civil, you can set up together a schedule that allows him to be nearly as much of a dad as if he were living with you. He can be a dad for his kids if he wants, without HAVING to be a partner for you, role in which he clearly sucks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I'll never get how women in your situation think it's somehow a better option to raise children in a home where there is violence and a very toxic relationship.
Staying together so your children can see you get abused and ground down into an unhappy mess? That's the ideal is it? That's better than having one happy, independent single parent?
Children deserve better than to be treated as an excuse for you to be weak and go back to him. Do you really want to raise them to view that kind of relationship as healthy and normal? Imagine what it'll be like for a daughter to grow up thinking that kind of relationship is acceptable or a son that thinks women deserve that kind of treatment.
No, teach them strength, independence and use your knowledge of the worst case scenario of parents breaking up to protect them from the fallout of that. You've been through that, you know the worst parts of it and you can use your experience to lessen the impact on them.
The choice is simple. It's not "two evils" it's raise your kids in a horrible environment, with violence, abuse and a broken mother or raise them yourself in the right way.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Aggression and violence are, in my opimion, deal breakers. It's pretty much Game Over when someone starts beating up on someone. I left a violent relationship. I had two kids.
Yes it was hard, yes it was emotional, but years later life is violence/argument free, happy and settled. I do not regret ending things.
My kids have a relationship with their dad and it's actually made him a more present and responsible Father, because he knows if he wants to keep them in his life, he has to make the effort.
Do not worry about your kids, they will be fine. Please don't stay where there is violence, it will destroy your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2014):
 You think watching your Dad abuse your mom (be it verbally or physically and then constantly fight) is better then having 1 single parent who focus fully on the kids is better?
He will still be their dad if you kick him out (or leave) but you should not just "suck it up" so they can have two parents living together.
I had a good friend growing up who's parents fought daily, the mom as an alcoholic and the dad mentally abusive to her. At 14 she (my friend) moved out to live with her aunt and didn't talk to her parents for years. They didn't divorce til she was away in college and on her own. She ALWAYS had a hard time with relationships and I think partly it was because of what she saw between her parents growing up.
Don't forget your kids might be small but they are like little sponges. THEY will LEARN to treat women like your BF treats you - because MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO. Kids emulate what they see. If you have daughters, they will perhaps pick abusive men when they grow up, because THAT is how they think men treat women. WHY not let them see that a MOM can raise kids in a LOVING environment, even if it is by herself?
REMOVE yourself and your kids from a bad situation. Then get hold of the Child Maintenance Service and Child Support Agency and set up for him to help financially. Also make SURE you set up some kind of visitation so he can't try and bully his way back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I think the worst possible thing for you is to go back to him. Your children will cope much better (later in life especially) knowing their parents are apart and are happier, than everybody having to witness more lies, violence and abuse from your partner. I hate to say it, but he won't change. Once a person shows their true colours, they won't hesitate to do it again.I know you're probably not thinking about it right now...but if you go back to him, you may just miss out on meeting another wonderful, caring man who loves you unconditionally (without the violence and abuse) and is willing to take on your beautiful children. Wouldn't you rather that, than a life of unhappiness with a liar? I think at the end of the day you should follow your heart and do what you think is best. I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 your boyfriend doesn't have a porn addiction. he is a male with testosterone. I know a lot of women with a romance addiction which I struggle to cope with at times. The problem is the violence. This is not acceptable and is enough to walk away.But you have to ask yourself if you were very emotional and being violent yourself.If you weren't you should run.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): If you choose to stay with baby daddy then you will be teaching your son(s) that men are expected physically abuse women, and you will be teaching your daughter(s) that women are expected to serve as doormats for physically abusive men.That means if you choose to stay with baby daddy then your children will live as adults the lessons they learned from you.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Your children are MUCH better off in a stable single parent family than in a family with an abusive unpredictable father. If he became aggressive and violent with you, do you want to risk him being aggressive and violent to your children? There's no question here, you are better off without him.
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