A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I recently have left my boyfriend of 2 years. It has been 1 month. I ignored him for about 3 weeks because the last day i saw him, he hit me. this is not the first time it had happened. he has been hitting me on and off for about 18months. he blames it on the fact that i won't let him leave or that i frustrate him, that i make it happen or that i dont know how to communicate. We have fought since the beginning when he lied to me. We had only been together a few months. this is what happened.i knew he had had a one night stand, he had told me he had used protection. but we found out a few months into our r/ship that he had caught a disease from this girl, because he didnt use protection at all. I had to get tested to make sure that i didnt catch it, thank god i haven't! I had a really hard time with this, it wasn't the only lie. he had lied about his past, about girl friends he had, about cheating on his ex girlfriend, about hitting his ex girlfriend. he had also emailed girls while we were together and had told them horrible things about me, i didnt even know that these girls existed. i had a hard time with all of this, but mostly him putting me at risk and almost giving me a disease. he said that i should 'suck it up" that it was none of my business and because i didnt have it, it shouldnt need to be talked about. It took me about a year to trust him again, and in that time he would call me crazy for being worried if he was lying to me. I was not allowed to speak about him lying to me or mention the one night stand at all. if i did he would get angry because i was making him feel like a loser. if i pushed him too far by questioning him, crying or yelling he would end up hitting me. I do not know how it happened. he used to yell alot, then he pushed me a few times while walking past me, then he would break things in my home, then one day he just ended up grabbing me and tried to choke me so badly that i almost passed out. After this, I constantly had to cover up my arms and throat as he was always hurting me. He would talk about his ex girlfriend and other girls every time he got angry, saying they were better than me,prettier than me, nicer than me, sweeter than me and that i was the worse person in the world and he regretted meeting me. if i got insecure or jealous he would say that i was crazy and insecure and a psycho, then he would wonder why i would be jealous of them. if i got jealous, he would get angry and laugh at me and call me an insecure nut case and say he deserved better than me. If i said anything about anyone i had dated, i would be hit. It ended up getting so bad that he would hit me as soon as we started fighting. he seemed to get angrier and angrier over time. I had a overactive thyroid which was bad as i was quite sick. i had gotten sick just after the first time he started to hit me. he would tell me that "he didnt sign up for this, he didnt want to be my nurse, that i should get someone else to take care of me". i didnt know what to do, so i ended up not letting him know when i was sick because i didnt want him to be unhappy, then when he found out i was still sick he called me a liar and said he deserved better, if i tried to plead my case he would get angry and hit me. After he hits me, he just leaves the room and locks himself in a bedroom and ignores me for hours at a time. sometimes he would knock me out and i would lay knocked out for an hour or so before waking up. when i woke up he would just be walking around the house, eating or reading or doing something else. if i asked why he didnt care and that he could have killed me, he would say that he checked if i was breathing so he figured i was faking it and just left me there coz i wasn't dead. As time went on i realised that i didnt want to be with him, but i didnt know how to leave. He would say that i was ungrateful as he had supported me financially while i had been ill. He said that no one else would go out with me, that i was a loser and no one would ever marry me. i really started to beleive that perhaps it was my fault, that i was being insecure and this was causing him to be angry and if i stopped being insecure we could be together. So i stopped checking up on him, calling him or emailing him. i wouldnt ask about anything or anyone. But he still hit me and he still got moody and angry all the time. The last time he hit me i left him. He had to go home and i had to stay in Australia. I didnt speak to him for 3 weeks. Then last week we talked for 10 hours. we talked about being together and that he missed me and i missed him. We were organising when we were going to meet up and when i was going to fly over to see him. I thought maybe the month away had made him realise that he wanted to be with me. He said he felt bad for hitting me and calling me names and that other girls were not better than me. I thought we would be fine. Then He wanted to know what i had been up to, so i told him everything, then i asked what he had been up to and he clammed up on me, said it shouldnt make any difference and that if i was secure i wouldnt have to ask. it took him 3 hours of hanging up on me and me calling back to get him to talk to me. It turns out He had gone to a party with other girls but i got in trouble for going to the gym, he said i was trying to impress people coz i was working out at the gym and putting myself out there. Then he got mad coz i asked about the single girls at the party, he said i was a nut case and then told me to F-Off. he said he would be crazy to be with me. he told me to never speak to him again and told me to F-off. he said that he thought i had changed but he was a fool to keep in touch with me and that i cause him too much stress.I really do not know what to do, should i try to be friends, should i just forget it.? i dont want to keep trying only to be told to go away when he gets angry. I also think that if he had of been here, he possibly would have hit me again. so what should i do? should i try to stay friends? i really thought he loved me, but something inside of me tells me he doesnt.
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ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, liar, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jkcrichton  +, writes (17 November 2010):
It's funny but I know i was abused by my ex and i had an overactive thyroid too. he wouldn't believe it was a reason to be ill and said i was a nutter and crazy too and that I would lash out at him. I admit a couple of times I did get really angry at him and once I pulled his hair cos I was so sick of him treating me badly. Now he says it's me who is the nutter. this is after he kicked my car door in and gave me a black eye. I detest him
A
female
reader, lotsofgiggles123 +, writes (21 August 2008):
 no i dont really think thats a good i idea yea i agreee with jeni i mean f#$%* hit you for pete sakes i mean unless you have a thing to be with violent people as freinds but not then get the sicko out of your life
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): PLEASE d not consider being his friend! stay away. i know its hard cuz u obviously love him, but he doesnt love you. The longer you stay away from him the easier it will be to get over him and then sooner than later you'll be thinking to yourself, "what the hell was i thinking?! FUCK HIM!" Be strong, it might be hard but you dont deserve that!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 I dont think you want to be friends with him again I think you want to be with him again.
You find yourself attracted to the power he has over you, the way he can control you.
I suggest you seek urgent counselling as I imagine you will come under the spell of another controlling violent abuser before long, it will only be a matter of time before you end up in hospital or worse. These men seek out weakness and women like you are goldmines to them.
Please seek help, you need to address why you desire to be controlled and abused. It is not a healthy way to live your life. But you need professional help.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, belladonna123  +, writes (19 August 2008):
Hey Doll, I absolutely agree with everyone else here. You must be strong, and not even consider going near this animal again. Obviously you still have feelings for him but he doesn't deserve it, at all.You better off healing aftert this and meeting a decent guy. There are nice guys out there, but as for him, stand up to him NOW before something drastic happens.
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A
female
reader, Dreaming  +, writes (19 August 2008):
Okay, this is a very unhealthy relationship. Stay away from this guy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Get as far away from this guy as fast as you can!!
Get rid of every last trace of him!!
Don't talk to him,don’t look at him,don’t piss on him if he’s on fire!!
You’ve had a very lucky escape he could have killed you!!
Go and build a happy life and forget all about that f*cking arsehole!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): He abused you, physically and verbally. How can you think about treating him as a friend?
Your ex is a total nut. You can never see or stick to someone who has abused you! Go out, ignore him, do something to keep yourself occupied. I am bound to think you have many other friends. Talk to them, go out with them and have a good time. Don't keep thinking about your ex-boyfriend.
There are bound to be other guys who will respect and care for you better than your ex.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Right... hun, read through your question again. Imagine this is not you, it's someone else.
Would you remain/become friends with:
A liar
An abuser
Sleeps with other girls then lies some more
Tells you that you're a nut case
Tells you to f*ck off
...
What would you tell you to do?
You're worth more than that! Much much more than that!
Draw a line in the sand and tell yourself that you will never ever allow yourself to be treated in such a way again - by anyone. A friend or boyfriend.
Please, do not give him your time and effort as a friend. He's really not worth it, hun.
A clean break, as the others have said, is what is needed.
Look after yourself.
xx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (19 August 2008):
 I suggest that you make a clean break, away, far far away from this guy. I'm sorry, but he sounds like a horrible, nasty, psychotic piece of work, and if you want to keep your sanity, be safe and live to see your next birthday, then don't even consider keeping him on as a friend. Judging by what you've just told us, you would have to be sectioned to even think about having anything more to do with him. I'm only saying this for your own good, so if you're thinking I'm being too harsh, it's because I really care about people like you.My love, he can't possibly love you, you're absolutely right there when you say, something inside you tells you he doesn't love you. People who are genuinely in love do not go round hitting their other halves, nor do they tell you you're crazy and a psycho, or talk about their ex girlfriends every time they'd get angry, saying they were better than you and prettier, nicer and sweeter, and telling you ~ you're the worse person in the world and regrets ever meeting you, then to put the icing on the cake he knocks you out and leaves you laying there?!? WTF?!The guy should be locked up and the key be thrown away! How the hell have you not reported him for physical and mental abuse? He's going to do this to the next girl and the one after that and so on.I sincerely hope you heed my advice and steer clear of that maniac.Please look after number one!BigSisxXx
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A
female
reader, Tremor +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Listen to that gut feeling - there's a reason we have them.
He doesn't love you, and never treated you like a decent guy should. Leaving you to your own defenses while you were sick? KNOCKING YOU OUT? I congratulate you for leaving thsi monster.
I don't think maintaining a friendship would be a wise thing to do. What is there to be gained? Why would you continue to hang around a man who abuses you? There's nothing to be had by keeping up contact with this guy - as you said, he'll only tell you to go away when he gets angry, and there's a possibility that you'll be hit again.
I say cut him out of your life, and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, junebug +, writes (19 August 2008):
are u crazy? Leave and dont talk to him.he put u through all that!and u even have to question urself weather u want 2 be friends with him.ur crazy. Dont talk 2 him and dont even think to look back .good luck xoxojunebugxoxo
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