A
male
age
51-59,
*ouston
writes:I've been with my wife since I was 19 and she was 18. We went to high school together and have a loving marriage of 15 years. Prior to our getting together ( a few weeks) she hooked up with another high school friend and I suspected they had had sex. She flattly denied it and has repeatedly during our courtship and subsequent marriage. Recently(20 years after the fact) it has come to light(I tricked her in to telling me) that she actually did have sex with this individual when she was 18 years old. Her explanation is that she was super drunk(this is true I believe)and remembers nothing except a flash of him being on top of her and being taken advantage of when she was out of it. She says she didnt tell me or anybody ( she apparently didnt tell her best friend either) because she tried to block it out and deny it even to herself even though she suspected it had happened. I have seen and been around this guy at high school reunions etc withhout knowing and it really pisses me off. My wife had had sex with a couple of other guys from my high school also but had been forthright about these experiences. My question is should I trust my wife or is it highly likely that other skeletons reside in her closet? Also should something that happened so long ago bother me so much or should I let it go????
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female
reader, faydra  +, writes (11 September 2008):
I wish my hubby can cope like you deal with it. Mine was 14 years before he met me and I was unconious at a party when I was assaulted. I dont remember the act just the aftermath. I told him before we hooked up when we were friends now 3 1/2 years later we are married and he denies me telling him says my sister told him which she may have talked to him after i told him. But he denies me telling him. Deleted my text logs so i couldn't prove it to him. It destroying us. He has question and I feel he doesn't need answer he didn't know me and I went through my therapy and put it far behind me it didn't effect me until he reopened it, digging for detail he would like. I cant remember how long the 2 guys got in prison but i remember being advised of there arrest and charges and verdict. Just cant remember how long they got he think ever victim would remember. Then he think I would have woke up. I my alcohol was drugged not by me. He says he doesn't mean to hurt me but he can't get the images he created out of his. I am hurt and angry I don't feel he has the right to feel this way. He did not know me or that I even existed then. I feel hurt and abandoned and alone. I hope he can put behind him before he destroys us.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 September 2007):
 It does hurt. I call being taken advantage of rape too. If the one person isn't in their right mind to consent, and the other person takes advantage of that situation. If they would have said no, in their right mind, theirs not a big different.All though this happened. You are in a marriage most people would love to be in. I'm sure you too hear all the divorce stories, and custody issues. It's a great gift to be able to be married for the number of years you have been keeping the love you have for her. I just wish more people would have followed in the footsteps you and your wife have in your marriage. I wish you many happy years, take care.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (9 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks rcn. She's a wonderful person ad the love of my life no doubt. If I had known 20 years ago I think we'd still be together but perhaps the timing etc. would have been different. Neither I nor her believes she was raped but when she had sex when incoherent and was blacked out for most of it she doesnt really know what happened and felt taken adavantage of but also guilty that she put herself in that situation. Frankly, its possible that while blacked out she was more than willing. We'll never know for sure but she remembers nothing but the flash. I need tt put it behind me either way. Call me old fashioned but to me something like that should be out on the table sooner not later. I have to remember she was 18, felt ashamed and likely didnt want to effect what we had. She put it out of her mind and was happy to leave it there. she's been trustworthy as a wife and is a great mother and partner. I;m blessed, maybe why it hurts so much. Thanks for the advise.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 September 2007):
It's been 20 years. During the marriage, if she hasn't given you reason too, don't loose the trust over this. Something like that happened when I was young too, with my girlfriend. She was taken advantage of. I detested the guy who did that.
Let me ask you this. Aside from this incident, has the marriage been good? Has she been a wonderful wife? Do you feel grateful to have her part of you life? Could you image experiencing what you have with her, with someone else?
Final question: If you'd known 20 years ago, what you do now, would you be where you are now, with her, in this loving marriage?
You were both quite a bit younger then. Sometimes guilt comes in denial. Do you know anyone who is sexually assaulted, who wants to admit it? Most of them want to immediately forget it had even happened. I don't think she meant to cause you hurt. The best advise I have is have a nice candle lit dinner, and talk. Let her know your feelings, and how keeping this from you hurt. Get it out, understand each other, then bury it and enjoy your marriage to each other.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (9 September 2007):
Trev is correct. If she is looking at this as rape, many rape victims try to keep it hidden.
In either case you should not look at this as betrayal. If it is a rape case, then do not blame her for not telling you and figure out how she wants to proceed after all of these years.
If she (yes she, not you) is not treating it as rape, then you are the one with the problem, not her and once again, STOP FOCUSING ON THIS AND FOCUS ON HOW THE REST OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS AND HAS BEEN!!! IF YOU HAVE NO OTHER REASON TO DOUBT HER, STOP OBSESSING.
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male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (9 September 2007):
If the main issue here is that he took advantage of her, I can understand you being upset about that but surely before you make a strong commitment to each other you cannot count what happens then as a betrayal towards you in any way. It just does not sound to me as she has betrayed you. If he has acosted her or tried the date rape thing that is an issue for your wife to take against him. By all means support your wife if she chooses to take any action regarding this but I wouldn't hold any of this against her - she deserves much better than that. If she has chosen not to tell you and made so much effort to hide it you have to ask yourself why is this. I can only think of two reasons she may want to do this.1) That she did not want to drag all this old stuff out into the open again, and she wants to look forward and get on with her life and her future.2) Wanted to avoid causing all this difficulty with you and wanting to avoid upsetting you in the way you seem to be at the moment - in other words she did not want it to interfere with what she has now got with you. Although the information is relatively new to you - you will probably find that it is this that is upsetting you. You cannot forget this happened a very long time ago and it was at a time before you and your wife were an item. I don't know in the states if she would be allowed to bring charges against him if she feels she had been taken advantage of - I know in the UK there would be no problem with pursuing this course of action in court. If it as possible and she would like to do this then be there for her and show her you are with her as part of a team. If she wants to forget the whole thing then allow her to do this and try to do it also - after all it is all well in the past and is probably best left there.Trev
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A
male
reader, Houston +, writes (8 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is a sense of betrayal about this that really stings. When you ask someone point blank about something like this over and over even after seeing the guy and she just lied and lied well... it hurts. As a husband I deserved to know. Of course the situation she was in sounds a lot like "gray" rape and her behavior afterwards was consistent with that as well being so secretive etc. She was 18 when she decided to bury it and I suppose she felt she had no choice but to stick to the lie at that point. It will blow over but I feel that this should have been out on the table before the nuptuals.
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 September 2007):
Okay, so your beginnings aren't as magical as you once believed. Yes, it has opened up a can of worms. But do you have anything else now to doubt? How are the other things/times in your relationship? If the answers are no and good, then continuing on this one instance would be considered obsessing unless there is more to this story you have not yet told.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (8 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrev. Lying to your husbands face about having sex with a high school friend/acquaintance that you have to see and be around is a BIG problem. I asked her point blank about it and she lied to me again and again. Also she claims she was in love with me at the time she was with this other guy(weeks before we got together) and it happened after we had slept together but werent a couple yet. It doesnt make a guy feel very special when during the period you thought you were courting your future wife she slep with someone else who meant nothing to her. Again, she WAS wasted and got taken advantage of and she was 18 years old. I suspect she lied to not screw up our relationship and then had to stick to the lie plus she was so wasted she tried to deny it even to herself. To find this out at almost 40 years old sucks and to think Ive been friendly to this guy who took advantage of her steams me up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): If it happened how she says it happened, then it was nothing short of her being raped! No wonder she wants to block it from her mind.
In this country he could still be charged and held to account.
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 September 2007):
It was 20 years ago and you weren't with her at the time. Let it go. It is strange that she kept it secret, maybe she thought it was too close to when you two started going out and it felt weird to talk about. Especially if she remained friends with him for a decent amount of time while you have been with her. Unless you have any reason to doubt any of her current actions or things she has said/done since you've been with her, forget about this one.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (8 September 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responce. Are you saying she CAN be trusted based on what I wrote? I think she was ashamed that it happened in a random manner(she was drunk at a party) and at the time she already loved me. The lie is troubling and that she would drag something like that in to our marriage w/o coming clean is disturbing. Much of her behavior smacks of a date rape situation. Denial, shame, incredible secrecy(not telling girlfriends). She's a great lady and wonderful mother. Its just that after 20 years this is hard to swallow.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (8 September 2007):
How an earth can you class anything your wife did before you got together as cheating? - What she did before she started a relationship with you not only bears no threat to what you two have got it quite frankly is none of your business unless she chooses to tell you about it. As for pressuring her into telling you - that is just plain unfair.By the sound of it she has been 100% faithful to you and has been committed to you throughout your relationship. There are not many relationships where a guy can say that about his missus now is it. Wreather she was a virgin before you met or wreather she had a string of lovers on a conveyor belt or even if she was turning tricks at a brothel it is all in the past and the best way to conserve what sounds like to me to be a good marriage is to leave it very much there.Holding anything from what she has done before you two got it together against her in any way whatsoever will be the quickest way to a divorce you will find. What ever happened - it is in the past - leave it there and the next time you see the guy or guys she has or hasn't been with just shake their hand like you would do normally. The future seems to be in your hands - only you can throw it away.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi - unless you have any other reasons to doubt her then I would say let it go if you can. She was a teenager. It was 20 years ago. She might have hidden it because she wanted to keep you. Despite having sex with this other guy she still chose you as her man - so the other guy wasn't good enough. Try and forget it - it's the past. Where are you going on holiday next year?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi
Before you met her? ancient history surely?
Im a bit surprised she denied it, when you hadnt yet got together anyway. Its her business. But obviously we dont know both sides of the story and the full one.
I wouldnt say from that she cant be trusted no.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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