A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should I leave my wife or work on through?My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have a 5 1/2 year old daughter.For a couple of years things have been tough and we hadn't been getting on. She kissed and frolicked with other people infront of me...I had an affair.The affair came out into the open last christmas. Since then I have been in turmoil. The problem is I want to put things right for my daughter's future but really struggle. I don't love my wife. I am not attracted to my wife. I struggle at times to like my wife. She however is still madly in love with me and I hate hurting her. The girl I had an affair with is still around. The affair has stopped and she will move on if I'm not available soon. I love her so much...think she's attractive...sees life in a similar way to me...we just have a great bond that I struggle to ever see coming back between my wife and I.To leave my wife though would have to be my doing because she'd never kick me into touch. What to do...girlfriend who seems in every way perfect...wife who I just don't see how to love again? Oh, and marriage brings two step-children which further complicate the mix. WHat to do? All advice gratefully received.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): You have taken a vow before God to unite as one.Marriage takes hard work. If you got married because you loved her, then I say you need to work it out. Marriage is a committment -- for better or for worse. If you try focusing on her, on your marriage, it will work out. You will be one again. These feelings you have for the girl is just lust. You need to sever the relationship now in order to focus on your marriage. You will find it in your heart that you are still in love with your wife. I truly believe that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAm I just reacting...my soulmate whom I had an affair with has told me she can't wait any longer...that she wants to start dating other people. She has said in so many words that she knows she is dating for company and that she just wants to be with me but that if I'm not available then she needs dates and company. I consequently feel that I spent months working (albeit ineffectively) to be with her and now feel slightly dumped in the middle of the mess. (This is a self-indulgent and unfair response to somebody who has waited for months for the situation to resolve so she can be with the man she loves.) This whole seeking advice thing is because I'm not happy with my lot...don't see it ever being right and yet, if I don't act pronto, decisively and in a way that will at least in the short term destruct my family and cause my wife and child hurt then I will miss out on spending the rest of my life with this beautiful perfect girl whom I treasure completely. Maybe I'm just selfish...want my cake and eat it...thoughtless. I know...all these things have been suggested by my wife mainly. I really can't see how a relationship can last forever if one party almost resents being there, regardless of the children involved. I just wish I knew how to make my wife see that! All help gratefully received.
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female
reader, bday121  +, writes (9 September 2007):
 It's nice that you're thinking about your daughter, but think of yourself as well. You can't stay in a loveless marriage. It's not fair for you and it's definitely not fair for your wife. Plus, you're going to leave your wife eventually; I think we can all see that. If it's not working out now, what makes you think your marriage will work out later? You love another woman and want to be with her, right? Then do it. Be with her before you lose her. Either way will be painful for you, but losing out on a potential soulmate will be more painful then leaving a woman you don't even love. Your wife will be hurt and your daughter will be sad, but if you really want to be with this other woman, that is the guilt you'll have to live with. It's very kind of you to want to take care of your family, but think about your own life as well.
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female
reader, Gemini1506 +, writes (8 September 2007):
I reckon you should try and work it outIts good that your thinking of your child because imagine what you could put her through? But if you feel like things couldnt get better and you two keep arguing that could also have an effect on your child.I think you and your wife should air everything out. even if it means arguing... then talk and see how you can make things workBest of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK...advice received but the whole guilt thing is exacerbated by the fact that I am the main bread-winner and me leaving almost certainly involves my wife having to sell the house and consequently creates more disturbance in my daughter's life.Reference the feelings of the other girl...she loves me totally. We felt like soul mates. Now she realises she can't continue on with an affair or wait any longer for me to sort out my marriage. This makes it a do or die moment really. The affair started about fifteen months ago and my wife found out (because I told her) about 12 months ago. In that 12 months my wife has done all sorts of things to stop me leaving including binning my post as it arrived which held me back from setting up my own bank account for at least 3 months. Consequently the girl I am in love with was asking why wasn't I doing anything...I was ...it just wasn't working. Then, added to that came the whole emotional thing of realising that I didn't want to just walk out of the door and drop my wife and family in a mess but wanted to try and work things out so the mess would be minimised. The whole thing is complicated beyond all telling. I guess my choice is to stay with my wife and pretend a love that doesn't exist (she seems almost happy with this situation and tries to convince me that I'm being foolish because no long term relationship stays with the passion of the early days but that the family etc is the stuff of a longer term relationship and I should hold for these things) or to start being aggressively active in getting out. Neither choice is going to make for a comfortable few weeks/months and both choices will I fear leave me unhappy. I don't want to hurt my little girl...I don't really want to hurt my wife...but I love the other girl totally and can't get her out of my head at all...I lay awake at night crawled onto the opposite side of the bed from my wife creating as much distance between us as possible and try to fathom out how to bring it all to an end so I can be with the girl I love.
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male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (8 September 2007):
A man convinced against his will -Is of the same opinion still.Your letter answers your question pretty much. You need to leave your wife. If you stay there it will not be long before your daughter will see how you are hating the situation - she will sense your unhappiness - that is assuming that she hasn't sensed it already.I take it the girl you had the affair with feels as strongly about you as you do about her. You do not mention anything about any love that she might or might not have for you. If that is the case then I for one believe that you should be with her and away from your wife.You say she (Your wife) is madly in love with you - enough to flirt in front of you probably knowing how much that would have hurt you? Have you thought that the turmoil at home is possibly disturbing your daughter more than if you were to leave - have you thought of that?At least if you were to leave your daughter may get to see a more civilised friendship develop between you. I no doubt your wife will hurt over this but time heals and at least this way there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you staying in there means that there isn't.I hope this has helped you out a bit.CheersTrev
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (8 September 2007):
 The tough thing is that you have to decide what you want to do.For an un-biased and objective viewpoint I have supplied a link. Please look it over carefully. This is a site I trust imiplicitly and it has very good advice. There are also other links to the left which you may want to consider.Hope you find what you are looking for. Doc.http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/1999/4/22/article_01.htm
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 September 2007):
 It's sad to say this, but take all the children out of the picture for a moment. Now leaving you and her in the picture. What do you really want to do, and what does she really want to do. Kids are not a reason to barely hole a marriage together. I know that's bad to say too, but as a single divorced father, its true. My wife and I were not happy. We both see the kids often, and she and I are both happy living separately.
This is where the kids come back into the picture
If you thing without the kids you want to mend the relationship and stay together, do it. If you're not happy and can't see yourself being happy, then it's time to assure happiness for the kids. There's nothing worse than seeing kids grow up in a home with 2 unhappy parents. Remember, the anger and feelings you carry is what your children will learn and imitate.
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