A
female
age
30-35,
*ay-graham-xx
writes:I have made a huge mistake, And when I was drunk last week at a party I cheated on my boyfriend and had sex with another guy. My boyfriend doesn't know as i'm too frightened to tell him, because I know it would be over as soon as I do tell him. Being drunk is no excuse so I have no excuse for my behaviour but all I know is that I would never ever do that again because I know how much he loves me and how he never would want to hurt me and I really do love him so I don't know why I cheated. I've never felt so guilty about something and never felt so bad. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time but what is done is done, no one can change the past! Shall I tell him or not? as what he doesn't know can't hurt him.
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cheated on my boyfriend, drunk, sex with another Reply to this Question
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male
reader, groundzero  +, writes (21 May 2009):
Ok look you are missing an obvious point.Yes you made a mistake and ppl deserve a second chance but you are making a second mistake by lieing and hiding it from your bf.At some point he will find out and when he does IT WILL BE OVER BETWEEN YOU TWO..Not so much because you cheated because he might forgive you for that but because you cheated and then lied about it and HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN
A
male
reader, jj. +, writes (18 May 2009):
you need to find a positive sounding way to present it to him....now thats hard..sex is sex. but it sounds like your asking for a second chance..i hope your a spiritual women,
and you believe in a power greater than your self..God etc..
you see your mind will tell you what he doesnt see or hear about dont tell him..but your mind will always think about it ..its hard to let go of and you cant hide it..well
reach out to this mr.right..and start talking .he may stay and forgive or he may walk away an not.your choice.
life is to enjoy but you want it with the best not the 2nd best ..you can have the other guys anytime..but you have the best now..talk to him..and ask for giveness 1st from your higher power ..God etc....then sit down and talk to him..your boyfriend..your other recourse is to move on and
when your ready to settle down..do it. if not, no man likes a player....signed jj.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (18 May 2009):
 If you don't want to tell him DON'T Do what you feel is right, but i strongly feel you should NOT tell him! Try and move on from this and focus on fixing your current relationship! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): my darling Kay-graham-xx, your defensive respense to Grimm means that you are fighting a losing battle. plse read and re read your entries.
you are not doing all this for your bf. babes you are doing this for you. if you admit this, even to yourself, you will see the error of your ways. you say only a few close friends know and the nameless man you cheated with. hell, he may have been so convincing once the sex was done that he will keep his trap shut but please remember this MEN LOVE TO BRAG ABOUT THEIR CONQUESTS. he definately would have told his friend(s). this is reality. i can see this spiralling out of control but you have the power to have closure.
this so called love you feel for the bf, it sounds somewhat of a pathetic affirmation of loving the bf. you are trying too hard. your bf will survive. surely he is man enough for the truth. your constant denial, your constant excuses that you are doing all the lying and cover ups just for him and his spared feelings is not just cutting it here. i know you made a mistake. you want to forget this so called mistake took place. but you cannot. too many people know and believe me , one so called good friend will innocently let it slip. i know it happens. i know it will happen to you to. the people who know are only human. this will come out. only the timing of it is unpredictable.
you may have mande your decision to cover this up further. but know in life nothing is sacred. certainly not a so called juicy tale of good girl having unprotected (drunk??)sex with a stranger, sobers up quickly after the sexual deed and feels guilty, stranger promises not to tell ANYONE that he slept with good girl. good girl tells a few select friends who promises not to breathe a word to anyone. can you see this story unfolding?
by deliberatly trying to cover up, you are deliberately lying. i posted this entry "people that cheat .............relationship killer" i have no ulterior motive for telling you to be the first one to confess the truth. tell me, when someone has told you something and asked you not to tell anyone else surely you would tell at least 1 other person. i know i have done that previously. whether it was pillow talk to my hb or another very good friend. i know it was wrong but i have confided 'please do not tell anyone but certain certain thing has happened.' it happens all the time.
i really wish you well but if you need to be honest, then just start with yourself. and also lay off the booze. it seems as though you cannot handle alcohol. i would also suggest you get a std checkup, this stranger may have a tendency of not being too selective of who he has sex with. so just take the precautions necessary. also what about a pregnancy test. you had unprotected sex. there is so much you may not have thought of. it's time to look at your situation OPENLY and admit that there are certain things you need to deal with.
just sweeping this under the carpet hoping it goes away will not do. you need to handle this like a mature adult and work through it.
good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 May 2009):
 Well you better stay on good terms with your friends. I still think you had better fess up. If he's such a keeper why wouldn't he forgive you?
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A
female
reader, Kay-graham-xx +, writes (18 May 2009):
Kay-graham-xx is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I don't feel too guilty about it" What are you on about? the guilt is tearing me up inside maybe you have never been in this sitution but everyone deserves a second chance and I don't think I would get one if I told him but I know I wouldn't do anything like that again. Is it really the right thing that I tell him though? Maybe right in you're opinion but one night and one stupid mistake could change my whole entire life. Know one knows apart from the guy and a few of my closes mates. The guy, I slept with,I don't even know and he doesn't know any one of my mates and he already said he wouldn't say anything because he wouldn't want to ruin what I have with my boyfriend and he saw how upset I was after I had done what I did. And the few of my closes mates would never tell him because they know how much it would hurt me and they wouldn't want me to lose him.
I know you are trying to give good honest advice. But I would rather you not say it in such a harsh way. I will not take your advice because to me it sounds as if you are a very stuborn unforgiving person and that isn't right. A mistake should be forgiven if it happens again then it shouldn't as then it isn't a mistake any more.
I don't want to tell him, how ever selfish is sounds but I couldn't bare to lose him and yes I should have thought about it at the time but I really can't change the past, I just wish I could.
Every time i'm with him I want to tell him but then I think about how broken hearted he would be and how I would lose the man I always dreamed of.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (18 May 2009):
 I give HONEST advice. Just advice you don't want to hear.
Justifying yourself because you don't want to hurt your man...well you just don't want to hurt yourself.
You obviously don't feel too guilty because of all people you are not being honest with....it's yourself. See you want to cover this whole episode up.
That is a real strong foundation for your relationship isn't it?
You lie by cheating...then you lie by covering it up, then you lie when you get discovered, saying "It's a one time thing", or "it didn't mean that much because it was just sex". Or the ultimate...which you have already stated..."I don't know why I cheated?"
Yes you do know why you cheated, because the opportunity presented itself.
And instead of thinking those thoughts of how much you love your BF and how much you know he loves you....
That's the way a cheater operates...and you are operating as such...it is a vicious cycle that hurts deeper and deeper as time marches on.
You aren't sparing your BF anything but wasted time, because he will find out, and how is that gonna look when he has to find out from one of his buddies that you had sex with someone else.
I am harsh on you because no one deserves to be cheated on. And the fact that you don't feel too guilty about it just proves you came here looking for a green light to continue this.
So answer me this...If you can't handle brutal honesty on an internet forum, how do you handle your real life relationships? Are we supposed to feel sorry for YOU? You say "I don't know you". I don't personally. I don't have to...you came here and asked what you should do.
You should expect that not everyone is going to run and tear a page out of a Harlequin Romance and tell you that this behavior and subsequent low drama surrounding it is acceptable
I challenge you to show the same inexplicable guts you showed here by responding to me to try to justify your deceit by having the guts to be honest with your man.
OWN WHAT YOU DID!
Instead of getting what you WANT to hear...It's what you NEED to hear.
See, lane changes into the wrong lane are MISTAKES. Having sex with other people when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision that you undertook.
I mean did you trip over a rug at the party, and in mid fall your clothes fell off as you mistakenly tripped and fell onto another man's penis?
I suggest you reread your response so you can truly understand just how flawed your thought process is. I suggest also if you feel like I picked on you, that you read some of my answers that I have given to others, especially cheaters..I took it easy on you.
Whether you take our advice is up to you, but once again, your situation is going to get steadily worse unless YOU do the right thing. And you know as well as I do that the longer this drags out, the worse it will be.
Please let us know how things turn out. What you see as insult I see as brutal honesty you need.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 May 2009):
How can you be so sure that the only way he will find out is if you tell him? You were at a party, people talk. I think you have to tell him.
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A
female
reader, Kay-graham-xx +, writes (18 May 2009):
Kay-graham-xx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExcuse me Grimmreality I wouldn't cheat again because I know how it's made me feel and i've never felt so guilty. And I've decided I won't tell him okay that is selfish but to be honest the amount that it would hurt him, it ain't worth telling him. So i'm not really being that selfish I am just preventing him from from finding the true to protect myself and his feelings. People can make one mistake in their life and I have and I really do regret it. I didn't ask for you to be so rude, I asked for advice.And you didn't seem to give any good advice. Don't you think I feel guilty enough as it is without you saying that to me, anyways u don't know me at all so how do u know I would cheat again?!?! Thanks everyone else for your help and support!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): people that cheat always say that they did not confess to the truth because it will hurt their so called loved one too much. this is utter nonsense and you know it. we do not confess because we know that we have done wrong and still want to appear to be loyal and faithful. we still want the appearance of everything being hunky dory. this is such a farce. we do not confess because we know that when we do it may just be over with our innocent faithful other half. we don't confess because we want the best of both worlds, to right to f*ck someone else, and the right to be in a so called loving relationship. our intentions may be good but it is our actions that make us the people we need to be.
You need to tell the truth if you want some chance with this man. You need to acknowledge your wrongdoing and account for this. What made you cheat? Certainly not the alcohol which so many people blame. You need to be honest to yourself first then tackle the truth with the bf. You can lie to others but cannot lie to yourself because when no one is around that is when the truth gets too hard to bare. That is when the person looking back at you in the mirror, screams out “who are you?”. The truth always comes out. You need to decide whether you tell him the big secret or someone else does. Believe me , he will know. It is just a matter of time before your dirty deed is known.
You have been selfish thus far, at least respect yourself enough by telling the truth. At least have some self respect by owning up to the wrong doing. After that it is his choice and history has proven that partners stay with their cheating partners. But do not fool yourself, you easily spread it for another man, do not think you will not do it again. If you do not change your ways you will be doing this very very soon again, Whether you love that bf or not. Lies compounding lies is a sure relationship killer.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (18 May 2009):
You loved him so much you spread your legs for another man...
You don't know the meaning of love. Best tell him so he can be happy with someone who won't cheat on him...you are living a fantasy if you don't think He'll find out, because he will.
Have some integrity and own what you did. Because YOU WILL CHEAT AGAIN! At least be honest with him so he can get tested for std's. How selfish can you be?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009):
Of course the better question is why did you do it? do you really want your boyfriend? are you really into him? Being drunk is no excuse - you didn't murder anyone just because you were drunk? so its a rubbish excuse. You control you.
Well i think you have to tell him - is that what you would want someone to do to you? You might loose him - but this is the price of your stupidity.
He may forgive you - One moment of stupidity in a lifetime together is nothing and may make you two stronger.
think what you would want done to you and as the other posters have said what if he finds out - e.g. the other person goes - hey shagged your girlfriend....
Be strong and do the right thing.
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (18 May 2009):
 I understand how you feel..........
Sounds like the only reason you may wish to not tell him is because you fear to lose him......however.....it's not up to you it's up to him to forgive you or not. if he stays with you because you never told him...well then you are not in an honest relationship..........if you tell him and he leaves you then you will pay for your mistake and certainly never do that again to anyone..........he may also decide to forgive you if you are honest with him and have a nice talk where you explain yourself and show him how much you love him and regret your actions. the right thing to do is to be honest and let him decide what happens if you don't want to live a lie.
hope it all works out hun......we all make mistakes, we are human!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): Wow girl you messed up big time! First of all tell him you love him. Second cry a little, (you'll be so tense you will anyways) after he comforts you and you've had a few good sniffles, tell him about being drunk, tell him you cheated. Give him the option of breaking up. Have some space in between both of you I would have bad urges to freak out if I were him... The relationship is pretty much done anyways... Even if you patch this up there will always be a lack of trust... Sorry... There's not much anyone can do. Just remember that there will always be more guys out there k... (xoxo)
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A
male
reader, Mr.Insignificant +, writes (18 May 2009):
 Yes I think you should tell him and risk the consequences. I don't think you can say that you would never do it again because well, you have already done it once - something that you probably thought you were never capable of doing altogether.
Telling him would be the right thing to do.
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