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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have an awful ex - he abused me emotionally and sexually for years (physically only right at the end, when I was finally getting out). I'm wondering if revenge is worth it at all? I could either do nothing and continue working through my issues, or I could a) take him to court with domestic violence charges (as the police want me to) or b) ruin his career - he is a very well respected and successful scientist but I know that he makes up most of his results to fit his hypotheses. So what should I do?
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I need to ask why on earth you put up with emotional and sexual abuse in the first place. You could have left at any time, with real time evidence to show the world what was happening.
It will now be extremely difficult to get the conviction that should have happened, and even though the police advise legal action, they don't have to go through what you will have to.
Emotional and sexual abuse is criminal, but only if it is reported. If you can prove what this monster did to you through medical records, or some form of tangible evidence, then go for it.
As to wrecking his career, I am not sure of your motives, or how this will help you come to terms with the abuse. He is the one who abused you, not his company, or his industry, but if you feel you need to expose his shortcuts, thats your decision.
As a victim of years of incredible physical abuse, I can tell you that it is only when you face your tormentor, look them in the eye, and stand up to your fear, that the nightmares end. For me, it took many many many years, of trying to understand 'why'.
I still do not understand, and I cannot ever forgive. But revenge was never on my agenda, just pity. It takes an especially weak and inept human being to do what your ex done. Seeing him in his true light, and realising that he is merely a pathetic excuse for a man is far more vauable to your self worth than legal action.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 If you have the financial means to pursue legal action, it may give you the ultimate closure and force him to quit hiding behind a mask to his friends and collegues who do not see the real person he is. The downside is, you will have to re-live the ordeal over and over in countless reports, and on the witness stand and be prepared to have your words twisted around by his attorney, in an attempt to make you look like the bad-guy who actually deserved his treatment. If you're up to it, go for it. But just be aware of the financial and emotional drain it will create in your life if you are just extracting revenge, sometimes it's simply not worth the torture. Moving on however, cutting ties and contact is clean, free and liberating even if it does not demand the same glory. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Unknown0311  +, writes (31 January 2010):
I don't think that you should feel responsible for his future relationships with women. This is about you and what you need to do to get over him and all the damage he has done to you. You have the right to do whatever you choose, and if ruining his career or pressing charges will help, then do it. I do think that pressing charges is a good idea, that way it's on his record and he can't run from that. Maybe the judge would make him take some sort of class to deal with his issues.. As for his job - again, if this is going to give you the closure you need, then do it. But chances are if he is doing this he will be caught without help from you. You normally can't get away with things like that for too long without getting caught.
Or you can just put it all in the past and move on. Decide which path is best for you and put one foot in front of the other and begin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): If hes falsifying results at work, he might be giving false results for something thats important and affects others. I would report what hes doing to the relevant authorities. And i would press charges for the violence you suffered. This man sounds out of control at work and home.
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A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (31 January 2010):
i don't think you should press charges just yet. i think what would be best is to file a report to keep him from doing it again. i'm under the impression you are not completely over this person and somehow, there is still a hurt there that tells me you still care for him. you don't need to press charges, but work with the police to give him a warning so he will know what he is up against if he does it again. this way, your domestic issues will remain private amongst all of you and you still you are afforded the protection you need. my advise as to your personal feelings for this man is, if you are way down the road of recovery, don't look back. there is someone better out there for you.
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A
female
reader, curious0hot +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I think that you should do both.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I think you should have another talk to the police, they would not be suggesting charges unless they believed your ex has a strong case to answer to.
I agree, dont do this for revenge, do it to stop him from doing it to somebody else, your taking it to court could also give some other woman the courage to stand up for herself.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (31 January 2010):
You should press charges.
If it comes out in court that he makes up his results then that's just something that will happen.
You can't think about you or him here, you have to think about the next happy girl who wanders into his life and how he will happily do exactly the same horrible things to her because he KNOWS he can get away with it.
By pressing charges, you are telling him he CANNOT abuse women. Hopefully the court will send him to get some help and so you may actually be doing him a favour.
Don't do it for you, don't do it to spite him, do it to stop some other woman going through what you did.
Good Luck!! xx
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