A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, living together for 1 year. He can be super sweet, loyal and sensitive and we have a lot in common... but sometimes he can just 'lose it.'Though he would never be violent he has lost his temper over little things and has punched the wall or stairs. He's also got it pretty good because we both work full time but I do all the cooking, half the dish washing and most of the housework. He goes upstairs to play on his xbox for hours every afternoon after work... and sometimes all weekend. When I've mentioned this sometimes he's made a special effort to spend more time with me on the weekends.Anyway I cooked dinner for us last night and it took me over an hour, and also cleaned the kitchen. I tried to make a really nice creamy pasta with spinach and garlic bread, but admittedly it wasn't one of my best meals. I had tried my best but it didn't turn out as well as it has in the past - however I still thought it was fine and ate it myself. Well he was really rude and asked why there were no onions in the sauce?!! and told me there was too much garlic (only 1 clove)... I was upset more by the way he said it and the look of disgust on his face. He acted as though I had intentionally made something he would hate just to annoy him. He then said 'this is going in the bin!!' And went to play upstairs on xbox. Am I being to sensitive? I feel really hurt that he wasn't polite about it, and doesn't often thank me for my cooking. On the rare occasion he cooks, I am so grateful and thankful.Anyway, I'm seriously considering boycotting cooking and just not bother... but that might just put him in a bad temper. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can make him appreciate me more? Thanks for reading :)
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female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (28 May 2016):
 Have you considered recording his behaviour, like when he goes into a strop and kicks a wall?
Show him how he acts and how it's not acceptable.
It may make him see that what he does isn't great.
If he real cared about you he'd want to work at making you happy.
You could even try joining him on the xbox in a multiplayer game.
He's probably fed up of you nagging at him to do things all the time.
Take it slowly. Convince him to try cooking. Make a game of it. See who can peal the most potatoes in 5 minutes or who can last longest without crying cutting an onion etc...
Spending time with each other should be enjoyable not miserable.
Hope this helps- ArtisticBiscuit.
A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (28 May 2016):
Dear anon female,You need to sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel. Perhaps try getting him involved in the cooking. Or choose what to eat. i.e. he goes and buys what he wants for dinner or picks a recipe. Don't do his laundry... leave the house a mess. Do everything to make him realize how much you do for him. By not doing the cleaning/washing he'd have no choice to try for himself. You can do only what you need... e.g. only wash your clothes or wash up enough utensils for you to use and leave the rest dirty. He needs to stop acting like a child and treating you like his mother. it's his house too, he should respect it's an equal partnership. Not you putting more effort than him into it. As he's treating you like a mother (doing all the house jobs) take away his xbox he seems to give more attention to than you. You have to show him how unhappy you are with his behaviour. Long term you're not going to better the relationship by not being proactive.Hope this helps- ArtisticBiscuit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): My soon to be EX dared to criticize my cooking from the moment we lived together. The time I made him a childhood family favorite of Dutch croquettes was my eye opener… ‘Oh there not as good as my Uncle…’ Is that so; well roll me over and cover me in breadcrumbs if that was an appreciative gesture? Does anyone know how long it takes to make these (24) Croquettes? I certainly do. I never cooked croquettes or any such favorites again and discovered I was wasting my cooking talents on him. I entertain family and friends instead, who appreciated my cuisine, and bought him a CAN OPENER!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): This guy does the bare minimum to keep you 'happy' - when you complain he makes a bit of effort just to shut you up so that he can carry on doing what he likes when he likes. He is using you. And guess what? You let him. Hard as this lesson is you are allowing him to make you unhappy. Stop doing everything for him and start being less available for his every beck and call. Your self esteem is going down the pan. I bet you he will get really annoyed and that's when you decide to leave. Make your plan B because believe me you may well need to run - have someone who you can trust to go to. If you can't be an equal in a relationship then you are not actually in one.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 I have to agree with the other posters. The fact that your bf does not appreciate your cooking is the least of your worries. You could serve him , from now on,only cheese, cold cuts and takeway, so he can't criticize your cuisine- problem solved.
But, that's not at all the real problem. The problem is that this guy is violent and abusive ( although luckily he has not hit you YET ) and that you are in denial.
Just because at times he can show you loyalty and sensitivity ( I wonder WHEN, though, since when he is not at work he is locked up upstairs playing games ) does not mean that in change you have to give up to any boundaries and let him walk all over you.
He is a bully and an abuser. Yes, it is abuse - even if he has not sent you to the E.R. - yet.
Worry about this rather than about improving your pasta sauces.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 Your post disturbed me and made me sad. You say he's not violent but a person who punches holes in the walls IS violent! Today its the wall, tomorrow it could be you. How do I know? I LIVED this life! I was married to a man just like your boyfriend. I seen the anger/violence in him before I married him, I knew he had a temper but it was never directed at me. He would go bowling, play badly, punch a locker in the locker room till his finger bled, go outside and punch out the window of his car..all because he played badly. If he played an arcade game badly (this was back in the early 80s)..he'd be angry for hours.
The anger was never taken out on me and I thought it never would be. I married him because I got pregnant. I was young and stupid. That mistake cost me DEARLY. After our baby was born his anger turned on me. 3 days after our baby was born, he hit me so hard on my bottom that it brought tears to my eyes. I was just talking and he didn't like something I said, and he smacked me. Then it was pokes, taps, that led to slaps across the face and it went on until the day he broke my arm. I left..before he killed me.
Don't ever for a minute think this guy's anger won't turn on you because it very well could! I'm living proof.
You are living with an abusive man. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical it can start out emotional and turn physical though.
The guy is a jerk and you don't want to see it. Take off the rose colored glasses my dear and look at what this guy REALLY is like. I'd strongly suggest you think about your future and what it could be like. He doesn't sound a bit like husband/father material. Life is short and living with someone with a temper like that might make your life even shorter. Think about it..from someone who has been there. Be very careful dear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): I agree with Caring Aunt A that you seem desperate for a crumb of respect. You are behaving like Mummy to a teenager. Start showing yourself some respect. He is bad news. Keep a diary about what happens. You're deluding yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): I was in an a very similar type marriage for 15 years. It's called abuse. You are in denial and can't or won't label it as such. You're a bit scared of what he might do so you modify or conform to please him. If you haven't already then read up on emotional abuse. Lund Bancroft has written a great book. If you really want to find out what his temper is like just go on strike and see whether he gets the dinner? Too scared to do that? Oh sure you can talk or 'communicate' more and understand him more and try to please him more and support him more...that's all the focus on him right there. Narcissism and abuse. Hang around or don't hang around but at least wise up on what you're living with in the meantime.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): I was in a relationship with someone who also raged, and I found myself stepping on eggshells and being meek and over-nurturing. I excused his behavior because he had been abused when he was younger, but I didn't realize that I was was the one who was being abused by him now. Little things would unpredictably set him off and he would scream at me or someone else close to him. I broke up with him a year and a half ago, and whenever I think of him, I am still filled with resentment because I didn't stand up for myself and I let him get away with so much crap.It's important for you to tell him that you are not happy in this relationship, you are being taken for granted, and you are not being treated right. Tell him that he needs therapy for his anger issues and possible gaming addiction, or you will end the relationship. Because if you continue to stay in it the way it is, things will get worse. You'll continue to walk on eggshells and try to please him, and he'll continue to take you for granted and his angry outbursts may get more frequent because he knows he can get away with it. It is important that you care about YOUR self and make that your priority. You have a right to be happy, to be in a relationship with someone who appreciates you, who spends quality time with you, and who does not frighten you. I let my relationship last longer than it should have because I was afraid of being alone. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and did a lot of damage to my self-esteem. So stand up for yourself and end the relationship if he doesn't make concentrated efforts to improve. Good luck to you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): He does not deserve you.What you need to do is let it all out.Tell him exactly how you feel, no holds barred. What you need from this relationship to be happy and for the relationship to continue.You cannot forevermore be walking on eggshells around him because you are afraid to lose him and live life on your own. You deserve more. And better. And yes, you will be just fine without him. It will give you a chance to heal and find the man who truly does care about you and will treat you right.It is better to be on your own than with somebody who abuses you and does not respect you. He seems to have a lot of issues with himself. He is not happy with himself and he is projecting it onto you. He is punishing you for his own unhappiness and trying to take you down with him.The people who love us build us up, not tear us down.He appears to need some serious counselling because in his condition, he is unable to love anyone else if he is unable to love himself.Are you going to stick by and allow his brokenness to break you too?It's what he is trying to do.Do not let him break you.I think that even if you do talk to him and he decides to "behave" it will only be temporary before he falls back into his old behaviour patterns. He is not going to change. And even with counselling, it will be an uphill battle.I think it may be time to cut your losses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): This is where communication comes in. You must ask him to sit down and have a talk, let him know it's not a bitch-session or an argument. You need to reel his cocky ass in a bit.
Being too passive in a relationship and allowing shouting, wall-hitting, or rages; is also enabling. He has to know the consequences may include you leaving him altogether.
You shouldn't remain in an environment with a male who rages, and hits walls and knocks things about. It's one step from hitting you. I'm sorry sweetheart, but his anger and tantrums are a warning-sign.
You said a lot of sweet things about him, which is typical of women in your situation. You try not to make him sound too much like a monster; but you came here because he frightens you. You are afraid he may hit you. You are also intimidated by his angry words. You passively allowed him to criticize the meal without calling him ungrateful on the spot. You were almost apologetic.
Not cooking for him is passive-aggressive behavior. He's not a little boy. He needs a firm talking too, followed by some action to back it up. Stop it, or you will leave. It's potentially dangerous. All he needs is too much alcohol, a really bad day, and he may lose control.
He's heading down the wrong lane. Throwing a tantrum, then retreating to his Xbox to avoid a showdown or confrontation from you. While making a statement that you should put-up and shut-up. "The Great OZ has spoken!"
When you make meals and clean-up after people, you deserve gratitude and appreciation. You have every right to remind him so. That is a matter of respect. He's learning that he can act like a spoiled brat, and retreat to his room as he did when he lived with his mother. Abandoning you, and neglecting his boyfriend duties. You deserve a night out and dinner at least twice a week. If not more!
You deserve face-time, and praise for making dinner, when you're tired and working a job yourself. You deserve respect and affection, above all things. All for being a loyal and devoted girlfriend. Playing wifey to a brute.
This is where you offer an ultimatums, and mean it.
The violence and outbursts must stop, or you'll leave. If he can't contain his rage, get anger-management. I assure you without a doubt. Men who hit walls do it to keep from hitting YOU!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2016):
 I'm sorry, JUST because he doesn't HIT you... what he is doing IS abusive behavior. Like punching the walls? ONE of these days he will have "MEANT" to punch to throw an object and YOU got in the way.
And yes, I would stop cooking for him permanently, I would also consider whether THIS is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with, maybe have kids with? Seriously? Doesn't sound like dad material to me at all.
STOP doing things for him. You can still be sweet, but LET him do HIS share. That means laundry, picking up after him, cooking... LET him NOTICE how much you USED to do. Now if he asks why you stopped you can tell him that 1. you don't like being taken for granted or that you don't want to do things and then be criticized for it.
Now I know this was ONE time he acted like an ASS about dinner, but THIS is part of who he is. You know a GOOD BF/FIANCE/HUSBAND would say;" honey you tried really well, but it's kinda not so good, how about I take you out for a quick bite." He wouldn't pitch a fit and stomp off to play x-box. He isn't 13 anymore.
I'm sorry 6 years of this? I'm amazed you haven't left earlier. Or is it you didn't see this crap till AFTER you guys moved in together? Or did you "overlook" the abuse because you thought he would change? Or that it somehow was OK?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 These men do not thank nor appreciate what you really do for them. They take you for granted while they sit on their throne to play Xbox as if it’s their given right to relax after work, criticise your loving efforts after you work all day and give crumbs of attention!
If you boycott cooking washing or consider criticizing the next meal he cooks by throwing it in the bin, be prepared for HELL in the household. If he does comply to help, be prepared it’ll be short-lived – temporary. Thus you’ll grow into a nag, grow resentful and or concede to live under his terms.
Sadly my dear you will have an intensifying stressful life ahead of you with this type of man... and as such as you knew him before living together, you now have a truer version of his character and behaviour?
Sorry but I don’t see him as a sensitive, super sweet guy when it comes to your overall feelings. He is abusive… unless you like doing most, if not all of the domestics, suffer his critiquing and temper, holes in the walls, and the occasional weekend outing as some token of acting like a couple???
You make him, a man appreciate you by leaving… or fight the rest of your life, playing boycott games which will eventually affect the bedroom area of your lives. And all for the price of trying too get a crumb of respect that you deserve.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Think back on the last month, what have you both had that was something you had in common? I bet you will struggle to think off something. Maybe when he is winning at his games he is sweet and loyal, but when he is annoyed he lashes out and he has a bad temper. Probably fueled more by playing the xbox. It is not someone who I would want to be with. My partner does play the playstation but he also does help in the kitchen and with the house work as well, and makes time for me at the weekends. Sweetie it is not fair how he treated you, he should have been thankful for the meal. You are not his maid or his carer, therefore STOP cooking his meals now, stop doing his washing, don't do any of his dishes or cleaning and see how he reacts. If he gets angry tell him that these things should not be expected from you as you work as well. The thing is he is used to you doing these things now and him being upstairs playing games. You need to sit down and arrange something where you both do the chores, you both share work and you both spend time together. If he does not make the effort then he is not worth the fight.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Abusive people are not abusive all of the time. Even monsters can be sweet and loyal. The thing with game addiction is that the pull can be so strong. The game has team members and it is a true commitment. Any interruptions can throw off the game. His character died and his party abandoned him.
You can tell him to go eat his shorts and that he has to find some other place to live. This is not about dinner being bad, it's him throwing an excuse tantrum in order to continue playing his xbox. His anger had caused to punch walls. This can be caused by too much violent game playing. This last tantrum could be a warning sign to you to not bother him, as he is no longer interested in making an effort.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 May 2016):
You are not overreacting in the slightest. In fact your boyfriend is an inconsiderate ass and I really hope you realise this and leave him asap.
I really wish everyone would remember this - the person you are with should raise you up not tear you down. If they don't, they are not worth having in your life. There are enough negative and critical people in the world without your partner being one of them.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Does anyone have any suggestions..... ???? Yes.... get away from this inconsiderate creature...... You write:
"...Anyway, I'm seriously considering boycotting cooking and just not bother... but that might just put him in a bad temper...." So you reveal to us that you must "walk on eggshells" in his presence... AND you tell us "... he has lost his temper over little things and has punched the wall or stairs." Are you going to wait until he directs that anger at YOU.... before you come to your senses and get OUT of this sorry excuse for a "relationship?"?????
Good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I feel you, I have a nurturing nature... but ask yourself WHY. WHY do you cook? If you're cooking to do something nice for him, that should be an EVENT not your everyday duty. If you're cooking because you have the need to please (and feed) him, well that's another thing entirely.In that case you are cooking to satisfy YOUR need and not his. If you're not aware of it, you may falsely believe that you're doing it for him... but in any case he's certainly benefiting from it and using your kindness and/or urge.What he did WAS rude. And honestly I don't think it has to do with the meal. The way you describe your relationship tells a different story. He's in his world doing what he pleases while you take on the chores willingly and maybe resent him for it and/or make him participate in something he wouldn't otherwise do. Let me explain. You made an elaborate dinner (and he has no wish to waste his precious free time cooking). If it were up to him maybe he would just grab some read and cheese. SO LET HIM. Now. Stp doing whatever it is that your doing around the house and use that free time for yourself or you two as a couple.I made the same mistake and had (sometimes still do) a hell of a marriage where I would do everything and my husband would live in a hotel and manage OUR budget (I work two jobs). Don't wait that long, react now. Focus on yourself but do't nag or be negative. Be WONDERFUL to him and do your thing. If you feel like cooking, cook for yourself the things YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM. You are not his mother. People, men especially, appreciate things that they cannot have when they want and how they want them. You turned yourself into his cook and a maid.Do you want to be that for the years to come?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): You're not being too sensitive and he is taking you for granted. If he doesn't like it tell HIM to cook or only cook for yourself. I once made a spaghetti bolognaise and put gara masala in it like a crazy person. Lol it was absolutely vile. And I didn't want to eat it. But my bf ate it anyway and tried to be positive about it. Because he doesn't cook/can't cook/won't cook and appreciates without me there will be no food. I suggest talking to your partner. Tell him you aren't happy with doing more than your fair share and you do/don't mind cooking but IF you cook he needs to be kind and more grateful or you won't do it anymore. It's a bit sad to be honest. Does he spend more time on the xbox than you're happy with? I think addictions to gaming can tear relationships apart because it can become the thing they prioritise. If he isn't willing to listen to you, acts stroppy, tells you you're being silly, stupid or over reacting then you need to think about your relationship. It's only been a year of living together. If he is already like this, things are likely just to get worse and do you want to live like that forever? He needs to put more effort in and you need to establish some "happiness rules" which need to be aimed for if you are both going to be happy living together.
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