A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been single now for 18 months and I just don't meet any potential partners anywhere. I can't even get a date using online dating and with the net the rsponse is always because I don't want kids and there seem to be very few women in their 30s that don't want them (at least round here). And single women in their 30s don't seem to join my badminton club, sailing club, theatre group etc etc. If I was happy to be a steparent, wouldn't be an issue, lots of single mums around and conacting me online, but it's just not for me and my profiles are clear about this.As a result, I am seriously considering moving away as it seems I am unlikely to meet anyone where I am. I have discussed it with a few close friends who understand and are trying to help me work out where else I ight like to live (I've never wanted to live elsewhere sadly and it will be a big wrench to leave).However, my best friend is vehemently against it. When I have mentioned it casually her response is always "you're not going". The first time I tried to discuss it with her she just burst into tears. Last week I explained why I felt it was a sensible option and her response was that I shouldn't move, that I hadn't given it enough time here yet. I pointed out that as no single women had joined my clubs in 6 years, the likelihood of meeting someone that way was slim, whereas moving away I would meet all new people (make new friends as well as possible partners). And not one date in 18 months is a pretty lonely picture - if I'd had a couple of dates at least, I might think there could be someone locally. She still said I shouldn't move away.She says she wants me to be happy and will do all she can to help me (she knows I have been very unhappy the last six or seven months about all this - otherwise I am very happy with my life, work, hobbies, etc). Yet she alone of all my friends is advising against.I'm a bit stuck as to who to listen to (aside from my gut feeling). My best friend, who ought to know me best and care most about me, or other friends?
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female
reader, Soulsister  +, writes (5 April 2011):
Don't move away from what you know and love just to find a woman. There are woman out there who don't want children - I am one of them - but you've got to be able to be happy with yourself, by yourself and for yourself (or at least content - happiness is a fluctuating state)and not rely on anyone else for your happiness. People let you down, unfortunately, and moving for just the chance of a relationship may disturb the happy balance of the rest of your life. On the other hand if you feel stifled and desperate for change maybe you need to do just that - but for yourself, not just in pursuit of a relationship. And I would really clarify the attachment to your lady friend - are you sure it's just friendship? Why does she react so strongly to your suggestion? Surely she would be happy for you to be doing what you feel is best and maybe makes you happy?
A
male
reader, Sorcerer +, writes (4 April 2011):
Cindy (OP here) - thanks for this. She is my best friend and has said I am like the brother she wishes she'd had. She is also the sort to ask a guy out if she likes them, so I think if she really had those sorts of feelings and thought I was going to go, she'd risk saying something.But that's not the issue (especially as I don't want kids and she does). It's who I listen to - her, who knows me best and thinks I should stay, or my other friends who think I should go?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 OP,
I too have got the feeling that the anon female reader could be right.
I mean, your friend burst in tears when you said you were leaving- a pretty strong reaction for just a normal friend...
I don't know , but, I had dear friends moving all over the globe - and I have moved too. One of my closest friends just relocated to Johannesburg and I don't even know if I'll ever see again.. Of course you get sad about that, but, hey, people come people go, and if they are happy and excited about moving, I am happy for them and I support their choice .
Of course she would deny her interest to your common friends, what do you think ?! If she has a crush on you and wants to keep it under wraps for whatever reason( she is afraid to be rejected, or think it's the man who has to initiate or what not ) do you think she'll fess up to mutual friends that also live in a small place ? That would be like advertising it with billboards !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 ah but have YOU asked her?
I would deny deny deny to friends who were fishing for info.
how do you feel about your female best friend?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): OP here.Anonymous female - several of my friends thought that and have asked her flat out but she has repeatedly said she wouldn't want us to be anything other than friends.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (4 April 2011):
Please don't move. You will feel even more lonely without your family/friends.I know what being alone in a flat is... it is very hard to handle. Also, it will be very hard for you to find a woman that does not want kids... since most woman are hardwired to want to have kids. Also, on online dating sites, you'll met loads of woman who already have children. So it is not easy.You should try to go out there, and go to each and every single place on your town to meet woman. Try different days, different hours. It doesn't matter if you like those places. You are there for meeting woman. Go to church, do some charity, go to libraries ,bookstores. Keep moving, and you'll probably find what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Perhaps your female best friend is at odds with this move because she is secretly in love with you and hoping that in time you would come around and see what you were looking for has been there all along?Just a hunch. It happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): OP here, thanks for your comments.Anonymous - I have tried that website, along with 4 others! I'm afraid the number of women in a 75-mile radius of here that don't want children or don't already have any on those sites is tiny. Several women have contacted me, had some chats, all seem to think I am a really decent nice guy but just when we start to talk about meeting up comes the inevitable "do you REALLY not want kids?" and when I say "I REALLY don't want kids" they clear off.K_C - I am on that site. Unfortunately it has a membership of less than 100 and all bar about 7 of them are men! Where I live has a population of 200,000 and within 50 miles are Bristol, Birmingham, Oxford, Swindon, Hereford and Worcester, so you'd think there'd be more choice on any online dating site, but apparently not.Chickpea - I should have said I am happy with all OTHER aspects of my life, but I am very unhappy in having no one to share it with and not even able to get a date! I am an only child and although I have friends, when you have no family, being single is somehow lonelier than when you have family. I was in a relationship for 10 years until nearly 2 years ago (so it's been a bit longer than 18 months really) and I still don't like going home to any empty flat or having someone to walk hand in hand with. Despite having LOADS of friends and keeping myself busy (I am rarely in), I'm dreadfully lonely even amongst friends (who are, of course, almost all coupled). I have tried pretty much every dating site in the last 18 months and I've found it somewhat soul destroying. I'm afraid I am one of those people who doesn't find life perfect without someone to share it.Chigirl - unfortunately I am involved in every decent theatre group (5 of them) within a 30-mile radius, there are no other sailing clubs (we're landlocked, so it's a river) and I'm not a good enough badminton player to be accepted into the league club. That was a new thing to make new friends, but they don't socialise much and of course, predominently men players. I'm not really into other sports, so it's hard to find any new clubs or interests to take up (round here anyway).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 A year and a half and you give up? I have a very attractive friend who is in her early twenties, but she's been single for close to 4 years now and even though she thinks it is sad to be single she's not crying out about needing to move!
I think you are being a bit drastic here. 18 months isn't much, Im thinking you are stressing out with needing a partner very fast, and thus you might be inclined to jump at the first and best option you get as you are getting desperate. But what about the women you just haven't found yet, who are right there where you are? If no women of your desire has entered your clubs in 6 years, isn't the logical thing here then not to MOVE, but to chance clubs?? Try something new? Go some other places?
Sure, you could move somewhere new, but most likely it will then take you 18 months just to befriend anyone. You should be prepared to have to wait it out a bit longer. I mean where is the rush? You don't want kids, and you don't want a woman who wants kids, so there is no biological clock ticking. You can take your time.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Dear friend,
I understand how you feel, but 18 mos its not that long.
I am around your age & its difficult to meet someone compatible in all ways. I've been single longer than you & I never visit any online dating.
I guess people are different, but you shouldn't pressure yourself too much. You have good friends, happy with your career, hobbies. So far, you're doing a good job keeping yourself busy.
I agree with your friends, that you shouldn't move just because you want to meet or find a partner. Why? You're happy, you mentioned yourself that you don't want to leave, so why? Why leave a good life, good friends, good career?
My opinion, you should join a health club, where you can swim, exercise, lift weights, etc. Join different online dating services. Go out with your friends for drinks.
I believe that you'll find someone special when you least expect. Searching, pressuring yourself will only make things worst.
People feel the energy, they see in your face. Relax, smile, enjoy your single life for now, be glad that you have good friends, a job that you actually enjoy. Look confident, charming, not desperate, negative..
Remember, you have a perfect life,just need that little piece to be complete & I am sure you'll find that special someone when you least expect.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Just did a quick search online and spotted this http://www.babylessdating.com/index.php
Dont know whether there will be many people on there but you could give it a go! Alternatively you could be onto a bit of a moneymaker here, if the site above is no good then why not make your own dating site for people who dont want kids? Would be a bit of work but it is a real gap in the market.
And maybe think about widening your search area - I dont think it is a good idea to move away right now as you will just be in a similar situation in an area you dont like as much. But maybe look for women further afield and try dating long distance for a short while, then if you really like her you can think about moving closer. I think you should only really move to a different area if there is a lady there who is worth moving for.
As the anonymous poster said before me, most of the country is the same, generally women want kids - it is not going to help to move away from friends, family, hobbies, work etc as this will just make you even more unhappy. So unless you do live in a small rural area that is not close to any towns/cities then I think you should stay put for now, and dont give up hope just yet.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Unless you are living in a rural location I would also advise not leaving just to find a woman because the country is the same all over.
Have you thought about joining My Single Best Friend. As you have a lovely female friend she could set up a profile for you. Also worrying about not wanting to be a dad is a bit far down the line for most intial dates..... Maybe you are looking too hard and this comes across to the women you are meeting. Just a thought....
Try and relax. Believe me there is someone for everyone.
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