A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm absolutely fuming! Please read!Last night I went out to dinner for my friends birthday. There were 9 of us in total and a few friends of hers who I don't know.I wasn't feeling well as I had some work on my teeth and on tablets so I couldn't drink and only ordered a jacket potato and side salad as it was the easiest thing for me to eat and a lemonade.The majority of the others all had a starter and main or main and dessert or an expensive steak alongside several bottles of wine and alcoholic drinks.When the bill came, I had already worked out what I owed and was going to pay £10 to include a tip- which was more than enough.1 of the women, who I didn't know, decided to take it upon herself to work out what everybody owed but kept getting confused so in the end she said to split the bill equally which meant I would have had to pay around £25! I said that seeing as I only had a lemonade, potato and salad I was going to pay my £10. She gave me the most awful look and rolled her eyes up and muttered something to the guy next to her. I didn't bother to say anything.Now today I noticed on facebook that this woman put the following status on about me last night, as 1 of my friends is friends with her on there. "Had a fab meal tonight and a good catch up! Shame about the stingy person who wouldn't fork out a couple extra quid towards the meal!"A couple of extra quid?? It would have been £15 extra!! Other people have commented (who weren't there) being nasty. I'm unable to write back to her as I'm not her friend on the site so shall I ask my mate to say something who is friends with her? I'm surprised nobody has clarified that I didn't order a lot. I probably should let it go but this has really angered me and I can't stand up for myself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): If you think about it, you paying for your share only, means that everyone else paid an 'extra' £2!In other words their bills were now £27, not £25. If someone is going to post on FB about having to pay an extra £2, then they're the stingy one!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): I've just read Aunty BimBim's answer and agree. If you do decide to not let it go, do exactly what she said! But I still think you should just leave it. People like yourself have no time to pay attention to snobby b*****s like her.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 When it comes to etiquette; this woman wasn’t the Host (nor acting as), but a self elected big mouth at the end of the evening and was totally out of place to assume everyone should split the bill evenly in the first place!
YES, it is downright rude and impolite to have others pay an extra $15.00 and completely smug of her to roll her eyes at you (in public) when it’s not a matter of a couple of quid or adding to the festivities! Any proper Host would know that food and or drinks are not a free for all for others to subsides, period!
Shame about the self-elected big mouth having ordered a full blown course dinner, several bottles of wine only to take liberty of your purse ‘at the end of the evening’ for an extra 15 quid for her dinning pleasure! And then be so smug as to advertise her great generosity – NOT on Facebook!
Let it go, for you don’t have to socialise with this person again!? She’s evidently someone who spins foolish gossip and is a self-appointed gob-off with nothing better to do than to advertise her stupidity.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): I feel you! I am VERY broke and the rare occasion I DO have money to go out, I purposely order something tiny ro inexpensive no matter how hungry I am so that I don't HAVE to pay a large bill. Most friends know how broke I am or when people ask why I'm only ordering salad and breaksticks (I used to bank on salad and breadsticks from Olive Garden and offer to cover the tip, but a friend put a stop to that for me by specificially asking them NOT to give salad and breadsticks so I stopped the tip and just ordered pop) or just a drinka nd I tell them I'm broke, so they help. SOME are nasty enough to ask why I even came and I smile sweetly and say, "for the company". I have had people stop me from asking for a separate check but I had to point out I was BROKE. if they still didn't listen, we got our order split and I would say, "Well, all I have is a five. No, I really don't have credit cards. Yes, I need to have the money in my purse to keep my phoen turned on and to pay the rent. That's why I only ordered ____" Do people get mad? Yes. Should they? No. It reminds me of an old "Friends" episode where half the party had money and the other half didn't, yet still wanted to split the bill evenly. Ug! Of course, they all got over it at the end of the episode and hopefuly your friends can too.Can you talk to the birthday girl and explain why you were frustrated and explain that maybe you just didn't have anymore than X amount of money to spare? I'm sure she'd understand.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Yea let it go, you paid for your meal and drink,why should you subsidise the others. As or the FB message - she's clearly miffed cos she had to pay for what she had. She sounds a right beetch
You went, you ate, you paid. End of
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 I can see why you are fuming, OP, ... yet at the same time I tend to agree with the male anon , but ,since I don't want to add to your fumes, I'll try to explain how I see it , so please bear with me. To begin with, I'd let it go. Life is short- and too precious to waste only 10 minutes of it on pettyness and negativity . Yes this woman's attempt to shame you via social media, over such a trivial issue, is petty and cheap. Awful really : so don't dirty your hands , OP, just ignore her.
The second reason why you should not kick up a fuss, though, is that yourself aren't entirely blameless ( wait, don't fume yet ).
Actually there IS an etiquette, although nowadays not totally inflexible, for this kind of situations . Based on which, the only proper way to handle it would have been if you had asked for a separate bill at the moment of ordering, or even before sitting at the table.
The assumption is based on a sort of noblesse oblige: unless differently , explicitely agreed before dinner, when dining in a numerous company of adult friends ( much more leeway for pennyless students of course ) it is assumed you all are going to split the bill evenly. That's less stupid and unjust than it seems because :
- the focus is on being all together as friends and having a good time together without worryng who gets more than whom and keeping score of how many glasses etc.
- the person who is feeling unwell or sick, or for whatever reason is not going to partake of a full meal, has always the ( smart ) option to just join the others for dessert and coffee -
- in the greater scheme of things, it all evens out eventually. Maybe this time you only had a potato, but who tells you that next time, with the same people, or others, does not matter, you won't be the one to eat steak while the others nibble raw veggies , or to order TWO slices of cheesecake while the others skip dessert.
BUT , it is also not proper to just pig out and being totally oblivious of how things are going and if everybody feels fine and is enjoying herself etc. ( on a birthday, that would befall, discreetly, on the birthday girl ).
So that, ideally , when the check comes and the bill is split, someone will come up with " Wait a minute, we all have guzzled all that fancy wine but Jean only had a tea, ok so Jean will pay less " - Or " we are 9 but there are only 8 lobsters in the bill, oh right, Jean only had salad " etc. etc.
In other words, if THEY notice and offer to have you pay less, ( as they should ) that's fine. If they don't - at least in theory you are supposed to be gracious about it and not put up a fight - and learn your lesson from there : next time there's a dinner and you are not feeling up to eating regularly, perhaps is simpler to not go and just join them for coffee.. Or, at the very least you can tell them right away from the get go that your order will be symbolical, just to be social, so you 'll need a separate check .
That may sound complicated and old fashioned, well it IS the old fashioned way to do things, I am aware that in time people is getting BOTH more social and used to eat out, AND more strapped for cash and with less disposable income, so things have become more flexible from this point of view- people may prefer to keep 15 £ in their pocket than to be gracious and social and I don't blame them at all. And yet, again, the assumption would be that a ) if you go out to restaurants , you can afford it, you don't need to count each coin b) you are not paying strictly and exactly for the morsels you ate and the sips you drank, you are paying for a fun night out, the jokes, the laughs, the banter, the atmosphere, the people watching , the flirting, the nice memories- the experience. So, that girl was still petty and rude in tryng to ridicule you - yet do not assume that way you handled is the only possible , correct and justified one...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 March 2014):
 I have a slightly different point of view from the general consensus.
Don't let it go. Ask your friend to tell her that she's just being nasty and you don't appreciate such snide comments about you and you are not going to take this lightly. I can 100% relate to you because being a vegetarian who doesn't drink, I am often at the losing end myself. If I have to pay for other peoples food and drink then it drives me up the wall too. Why should I, unless I've invited them? And worse, why should I be expected to pay?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 While I don't condone her comments, I agree that it's a bit stingy. I get that you didn't eat much and all that. But it's a special night out and really not that big of a deal. But I guess that's coming from me, a person who would normally offer to pick up the check for such occasions. Money's just not a big deal to me. I don't have a lot of it, but I certainly don't mind shelling it out for special occasions.
That's my two cents.
Oh, and I would drop it.
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A
female
reader, Questing for Love +, writes (2 March 2014):
 I too have butt heads with a similar person, but the situation was that I had posted a status on facebook and this person had taken it way out of context and basically posted on her timeline "OMG, I just read a status that said..." and totally twisted my words around AND said things I never even wrote. I commented on her status (cuz we were friends but had just met at college) explaining what I meant and apologizing for perhaps phrasing my words wrong, and she totally deleted my rebuttal and her friends started talking nasty about me and thus she didn't let others see my perfectly respectful defense. And she unfriended me.That's the part that I know really sucks and hurts, that you people aren't even mature enough to listen to your side and apologize for misunderstanding. Then you get angry because you know you're being viewed negatively and it's for unfair reasoning. However, there's just some people that won't let you win, no matter how wrong they are. But what I find helpful in letting go is explaining your feelings with a close friend. Most times they'll agree that you were in the right and it'll make you feel better knowing that at least someone sees your side. Try talking with your friend and just vent. It will most likely make you feel at least a little bit better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2014):
 I wouldn't bother either.
Personally I would have stuck to paying the 10.- that you ate/drank for and the rest could "share" if they like.
I don't think there is ANY ground rules that state you have to pay 1/9 of a 9 person dinner. Now if it had been put out that you all would be sharing the cost for the birthday girl I can see people chipping in, otherwise, nope.
I would ignore it. If you DO talk to the Birthday girl I would tell her you found it a little offensive.
As for what other strangers said... WHO cares. They are friends of hers so probably just have the same mindset (which is.. help me PAY for MY stuff)
I wouldn't even bother with a private message unless she gets more nasty about it.
What a cow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): just ignore her. doing something 'bout it may just make it worse and everyone'll end up in a sticky mess. just leave it, she's probably trying to get your attention. don't let her get to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Having once been in a similar situation and ending up paying for others, I can understand how angry you are, you were unwell but turned up anyway, put that on your Facebook, & add that as well as struggling through the evening in terrible pain, no way were you going to subsidise the drinks of others, might make bitchy girl have a little more compassion!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Pah, echo her words back at her on YOUR facebook page, "Had a fab meal last night and a good catch up! Shame about the con artist who expected me to fork out an extra 15 quid to subsidise her drinking problem!"
Maybe you had ought not, out of respect for your friend who was celebrating her birthday, but it might make you laugh for a bit, and the thought of her reaction could help dispel some of your, understandable, anger.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): This appears to be one of those situations where you're both wrong.When I go out to dinner with a group the general understanding is that we get one check as a courtesy to the server and then split the bill equally on the assumption that everyone's shares are roughly equal and it's rather small-minded to quibble over a few dollars in regards to who ordered what and who didn't. Given that we respectfully disagree, in your situation you should have explained in advance that you wouldn't be ordering a main course or drinks because you weren't feeling well and requested a separate check. Sorry, but from my POV it was a little unfair of you to expect the host to deduct your perceived share and then split the remainder eight ways plus tip. If I was in your position then I would have either declined the invitation or expected to pay an equal share in the spirit of the festivities, and if not then I wouldn't have made a issue of it out of respect for the guest of honor. Obviously the woman's response is completely unacceptable but at this point best thing is to let it go, though I would privately and quietly apologize to the guest of honor for detracting from her night. I don't know your circumstances but for me life's too short to get worked up over 25 dollars, especially as the cost of an evening's entertainment in celebration of a friend's birthday. I would have kept quiet and considered it my silent gift to her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Some people are not worth the time of day.
Let it go. You paid your share and she can stuff it. You never have to see her again, if you do, you can clarify with her then. But don't hold on to anger because of nasty people.
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female
reader, Alba5 +, writes (1 March 2014):
Don't say a word you'll end up as sounding bitter and a moaner. You know the truth and probably so does your friend. The fact the woman wrote about it on facebook saying it put a downside to a great evening shows how childish she is. Keep your chin up and don't lower yourself to her level and never go out with her again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Why do you care what other people think of you....?
Especially because you didn't do anything wrong. I don't know why you care so much
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): I think you should write to her a private message, you can do it even if she is not FB friend, explaining shortly what happened and also let her know that her message was not unnoticed, and that she also should not make other people pay for her. Actually it makes her stingy, as she would be paid partially by others. With that said, when you are in a large group like urs it's always wise to have separate check if splitting a bill is an issue. If you are among real friends they won't let you pay much more than you owe, but I understood that people there were not your friends at all. Instead of risking it with basically strangers, I would deffinitely ask for a separate bill knowing that I can't even order anything because of dental work.I ran into this situation on a regular basis because I am a vegeterian, struggle to keep my weight under control my whole life and now , when it is under control, I eat very little. I never order an entree in any restaurant, it's always something small. Many times I ended up paying 2-3 times more than I sould have. Now, I ALWAYS ask for a separate check. Once I went to a restaurant withh 12 other people where they actually refused to give me a separate check. I got up, went to a bar, got myself a drink and never ordered any food, which was totaly fine with me as I was not even hungry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Wow, yeah I'm outraged for you just reading that. This woman who worked out the bill probably did so because she was the stingy one and didn't want to pay 60 quid for whatever she had, LOL, so thought it might be better if she tried to get everyone else to help cover her cost. I don't think it's stingy of you to just want to pay for what you've eaten - especially since it wasn't much. Hopefully one of your friends will see her comment and say something in your favour. What a childish thing for her to say. As for getting in contact I wouldn't bother, but maybe if you see her in person I'd walk up and say something, but hopefully you won't have to see her again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Its a shame since she is so un-tight that she felt begrudged paying for her own wine. Maybe just send her a private message stating that. Also have a little think about who you socialise with in future because this lady doesn't sound like somebody i would want to eat with in future.
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