A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. Me and my ex boyfriend were together for nearly 4 years, when we decided to take a break from the relationship for many reasons. 12 weeks later and we are now in contact again, we both feel like we have benefited from the break, we see how we can improve our relationship, we see the attitudes that we may need to change and overall it has been worth taking that time out to find ourselves.We have not gone straight back into a relationship but we are instead 'dating' which is nice as we are going on dates and enjoying each other's company again. I have the butterflies and excited feelings again.Anyway on our break my boyfriend became really close with one of his single and more desperate friends. This friend likes going out, getting drunk every other night and having sex with whoever he can pick up. That's fine if that's how he wants to live his life but he's now trying to make my boyfriend do the same. As we are now talking he's getting jealous if they don't spend every night together, when we are together he's texting and ringing him. He's now making snide remarks about how my boyfriend will be jealous when he's picking up a random girl on a night out and my boyfriend can't. He's literally stropping like a child begging for attention.I have not once said that I don't want my boyfriend seeing him, I haven't once stopped them going out or tried to change his plans. I am happy and I do not feel the need to see my boyfriend every night as I recognise the importance of having friends as well as a relationship. I don't understand why he can't be happy for my boyfriend instead of trying to make him jealous and regret reuniting with me. (I've called him my boyfriend above as I don't want to use his name). I don't want to put pressure on my boyfriend to sort this as I haven't been in his life for the last 3 months and this guy has. I was in his life the 4 years previous to that though but I don't want to start nagging when we are so happy again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): OP you really can't understand why a friend who has had to pick up the pieces of your break up, listen to your boyfriend bitch and moan about you and how you have hurt him etc would really be fond of the idea of just being ditched as soon as you come sniffing around again?
Would you just be immediately happy watching a friend go back to a person they broke up with, a break up that caused them huge pain? No you wouldn't, you'd be sceptical too and you'd do everything in your power to try and make sure they don't dive head first into a broken relationship and two people who haven't even resolved their issues. They've just decided they've seen things they "may" need to change but in reality have just used the break to miss each other and just started the honeymoon period again hoping the things won't resurface when the relationship settles again.
I'd be like the friend, OP. I'd do everything I could to keep my friend from jumping feet first into something which most likely won't work because you're just living on hope. I wouldn't stop it, I wouldn't get involved but I'd definitely try and keep him being social.
OP he's just being a friend, and if he just let your boyfriend jump in without trying to protect him he'd be a shit friend. He'll calm down and get used to the situation once he sees your boyfriend is actually happy, and not just wrapped up in the initial glow of not dealing with a break up anymore, fooling himself that the butterflies being back mean anything more than temporarily taking away the pain of a break up.
You see OP, if you were so happy with your boyfriend again you wouldn't be trying to dictate his life already. You're already starting to get territorial, a little jealous and are talking about the need to nag him about the friend. You're here blaming the friend and it's actually you not being able to handle your boyfriend having a bit of freedom.
You go to great lengths to say how you want your boyfriend to have freedom and understand he needs friends but it's very obviously only on your terms will you accept that. You literally have nothing to moan about here, OP. Your boyfriend is only "dating" you at the moment and can dedicate as much time to his friends too. You're the one who seems jealous that he has someone else in his life that he may like to spend time with other than you.
But I thought you were all happy and filled with butterflies, strange that already some of the cracks start to appear isn't it? This is a pretty big crack, OP. Says a lot that you feel threatened already by his friend's attention. To the point where you're already considering dictating your terms of their friendship to him? Best of luck with that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Why is this guy such a bother to you?
You give a very eloquent explanation how cool and understanding you are. How you don't mind your boyfriend having friends, so on and so forth. You are new and improved after only twelve weeks apart.
Could it be that you aren't as revamped and readjusted as you think?
Why hasn't your boyfriend taken control of the situation and put an end to the nuisance-calls?
Seems it bothers you more than it bothers your boyfriend.
Here come the complaints. The "break" comes just before the final breakup.
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