A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Soon after getting married, my husband had an unfortunate incident where he became paralysed, resulting in us not being able to have a sex life. I love my husband dearly and I did not leave him. I look after him and attend to him the best way I can.However, lately I have been becoming very upset by my lack of sex. Yes I have toys and can do it myself but it is simply not the same. I want to feel sex with someone.... Whenever I have spoken to my husband about the sex thing it gets him either upset or mad with me. I know it hurts him that he cant do this, and I do not mention it in a malicious cruel way. The topic has come up whereby if it would be ok for me to perhaps sleep with someone else...but he gets very angry with me and would not accept this.I am not being slutty or anything....but I am 28 now and soon I would be 30. The last time I actually had sex was 7yrs ago. My entire 20s has been virtually sex free and lately I find myself wanting and craving and needing it so much!I am not a bad person, nor do I want to leave my husband as I love him with every fibre in me, so please dont suggest this to me. Nor do I need counselling!!! I just feel I need sex. The thing is I have two options really: firstly to continue the way I am and put sex on the back burner...or to have an affair. I have seriously never considered an affair and I feel such things are so very morally wrong. But lately I just feel I need sex badly and I am ashamed to say I have beent thinking about having an affair...I want to just be held by a man, to be kissed over my body, to lay in someone's arms. My husband would never ever accept the thought of me sleeping with another man and it would break his heart, so it will involve being dishonest with him if I did do it. I feel so very torn...I don't know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, whiteelephant  +, writes (17 October 2010):
"What the hell is wrong with you people? Did you get married just to have sex? Is this the 1940s?"
wow..what the hell is wrong with you. sex is a big part of a relationship. not admitting that is dumb, dishonest and immature. you can take your judgements and shove em
@original poster if you're still reading this: id honestly say you should have an affair. a woman's sexual prime starts at age 24 and im not sure on this part ends at..40? it is a physical need for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I wrote on the 28th Oct 200c: "I have never walked in your shoes...."
Dear OP, its almost a year later, what did you decide?
I find it so ironic and hypocritical that as aunts we condone affairs and actually give hope and have some compassion for cheaters but this OP, who has a real problem, who did nothing wrong except ask the ultimate question, is burned and ridiculed here. Sometimes I am speechless but not quite!
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): What the hell is wrong with you people? Did you get married just to have sex? Is this the 1940s?If you said that about any other pleasure creating subsstance or activity you'd be called an addict. You don't NEED an orgasm, you WANT one. Well... tough shit!I was with a paralized woman for eight years - no sex. No big deal. Intimacy does not equal sex and vice versa. There are MANY other ways to be intimate. Orgasm not required.I have found that if you find yourself NEEDING anything outside of yourself, that you should probably do without it. You are a complete person and you don't need anybody else, or any situation to make you whole. You married the person to love them and share your life with them not just so you had a stiff prick whenever you wanted it...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): I honeslty think you should have the affair.. your a human with needs and as long as the affair only relates to sex and only sex then you should be okay... Your not getting emotional or anything just really good sex that your husband can't exactly provide that way your sexually happy and emotionally happy by your husband and he's happy as well. No more hurting his confidence as a man cause you wont need to bring it up.. But like i said make sure its strictly GOOD SEX. noting more.. no romance no flowers candy dinner nothing.. just sex and when your done go hope happily pleasured to your husband.. hope this hels. just do what makes you happy.
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A
male
reader, calotto +, writes (4 April 2010):
This is a little late but I am married to a handicapped woman that cannot have sex. For me it is a terrible conflict because I love her but I have an almost overwhelming need
for intimacy. I feel badly for everyone caught in this kind of problem. There doesnt seem to be an acceptable way to deal with it without causing a lot of hurt to everyone.
You should have a secret affair with an understanding man and expect to be condemmed by anyone who finds out. You'll get lots of advice from people who arent married or have healthy spouses that you should try to make things work. To them I say they have no idea of the world you and I live in and they should judge themselves only. This is a tough problem and my heart goes out to you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Ihad an affair on my husband it has ruined us and our marriage I would love to be given your choice sex is notting without love if he is a good man look after him pleasure yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): i have never walked in your shoes and i will now reserve judgement. this is not an easy subject to deal with, there are so many factors and so many emotional and moral things to consider. i do not envy the position you are in right now. i just pray that in the end whatever happens you can live with it and that your hb can too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): See your family doctor ( or a doctor) and tell them what is going on. There are options.
Do not cheat on your husband! Try to remind yourself what you vowed at your wedding.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 October 2009):
 How would you feel if the situation was reversed? And don't lie the easy lie. How would you really feel?
This is one of the those things we prefer not to think about. For better or worse, but without ever considering how bad the worse can be if it simply never ever changes.
But are you asking for permission? I can't give and that and almost nobody will. If you have an affair be ready to be condemned by almost everyone around you. Because they will judge you not on the merits of your case, but on the idea they have that if they were in that situation, they would act different.
You know your husband, how would he react to you having an affair, either with or without his knowledge. Most men are possesive and for that matter, if your husband allows you to have sex with other men, what would it do to your respect of him? Would you stop seeing him as a man?
Be honest about what this might do to your relationship.
For that matter, what kind of man would have sex with the woman of another man, especially an injured person? That too plays a role.
Some couples can make arrangements about this but many can't.
Be very careful before you act, one way or another and make sure you consider all options (is all sexual interaction impossible) and how it will affect the future for you and for your relationship.
I have just one note of warning. You might miss sex now, but how would you miss the relationship if you had sex?
You got a life choice to make and all your options require a sacrifice.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 This is one of the most difficult questions I have ever seen. I will not pretend to have any insight or tell you right from wrong. Despite the conflicting and painful situation you have a very good head on your shoulders.
Here is what I can promise you...if you stay faithful in your marriage we will be here for you to confide in...if you decide to seek sexual gratification with another man (and that desire is completely understandable in your situation) we will still be here for you to confide in.
I understand that may not seem like much but consider that what ever you choose to do, you don't have to suffer in secrecy.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (27 October 2009):
 What an incredibly difficult situation. For both of you.
Under any remotely normal circumstances I would say an affair is never a good idea. But I fear that in the long run it's between an affair and you leaving your husband. Considering which is the least bad option, I think an affair is reasonable. Others would likely judge this wrong, but personally I would understand if you did and not hold it against you.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (27 October 2009):
 This is an true story and advice it maybe long but think of it. I have my cousin, her Father got accident and got disabled after the 2nd daughter came thats my cousin and the father was 24 years old that time her mother was about 23 years old. Her mother loves her father to death and promise wont leave or cheat him even he is not anymore able to do this sex. but now her mother is on her 40's and maybe realise she is missing something in her life. she become depress and nagger all the time. she put all her blame to her two children 24hours a day. of course she is not saying the real fact but she put her stress to her children, The mother want to prove her promise to her father but she put all the blame to her children and that makes my cousin's crazy and now she is also depress because of her mother. my cousin understand what is missing to her mother's life but is she the one who must be blame or suffer for this? i think not! but that is exactly whats goin on., what im saying here is, its not bad to be honest to the husband that is supposed to be happen right. but i understand that we are only a human. even the animal is doing this sex what about us? im not saying that you cheat your husband, because maybe this will cost him to kill himself. if im on the position of course its gonna be hard like hell too. but im still young and this is part of mine. its hard to be sorry in the end too. the husband sometimes need to understand also the situation. if im in the situation maybe i will go and look for the thing i need but i will try my best that my husband will not find it out. because i love him and i dont like to hurt him but i want also to fullfill my needs if he can not really fullfill it. life is short. maybe i die first before him. so id rather go on for this at least even only this., but dont take it too serious if some man can do some short fun why not the woman!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Sorry to hear about your problem. I agree that you should stay faithful to you husband. I believe you did the right thing expressing how you feel.Your husband needs to understand that it needs to be an even exchange. You've taken care of him all this time and I tell you I know a few women who would have said hell to the no I have needs. You sound like a very loving wife. My advice to you is ask you partner about oral sex I mean if the vocals are still working why not try a different avenue he can still stimulate you and feel like he is pleasing his mate and tell him the we can make this work its just not the way we use to make it work. Oral sex is an can somtimes bring you to complete orgasm try it with your man girl don't give up. And if your man doesnt want to cooperate than maybe its time to seek a counselor so he can see where your coming from best of love take care, miss ty
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I'm assuming your husband has suffered a spinal cord injury. If this is the case, all may not be lost. There may be ways of him getting and maintaining an erection sufficient for intercourse to take place, but he'll have to see a doctor (Urologist) who specialises in Erectile Dysfunction in Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) sufferers. Copy and paste the whole of this link, and have a look on google. Search terms should include Spinal Cord Injury Erection.
http://www.spinalcord.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=22405
You may yet get your sex life back with your husband and your marriage will be the better for it. Don't give up hope - and tell him not to either. He must be feeling very miserable if not suicidal about all this but there could be light at the end of the tunnel for you both. All you need to know should be in the link, but feel free to message me if you wish. I have insight into the problem having suffered an SCI myself nearly 20 years ago.
Put the idea of an affair to the back of your mind - it won't be the fulfilment you're looking for. Guilt will, I feel certain, overwhelm you and you'll feel very bad about it if you ever put your thoughts into practice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): ++++++++++ ORIGINAL POSTER +++++++++++
Hi, I realise alot of people are going to suggest to me to try to have intimate times with my husband or try to encourage him to have some sort of sensual time with me. Let me just stress it is completely impossible for him to have any sort of intimate chemistry with me. To give an idea, he can not even kiss me properly...he can just about manage a quick peck. So anything intimate or remotely sexual is not possible....
Normally I would agree that cheating is terrible wrong - like a sin....but I feel my case is unique. Majority of people who DO cheat are not in my position. I have only ever been with my husband sexually, I met him at 20 and got married before I was 21. So I have only ever had one year of sex in my entire life...I can't even remember what it feels like to be hugged or even kissed. And quite possibly it means it may well be that way for the rest of our lives.
And I do NOT need counselling! I am just craving for the need to be held, kissed, made love to....I feel that is a completely normal emotion for a woman in her 20s and esp in my position. If anyone is in their 20s or past it...just imagine spending your entire 20s with zero sex; with a possible future of never ever having sex again. I dont know if anyone can truly understand my daily life or feelings, no one can judge me. It is not a typical situation of someone who is wanting to cheat. I know it is a difficult choice and no right or wrong answer. Irrespective of what I choose to do, ie cheat or not, I will loose either way.
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A
female
reader, trigger18  +, writes (27 October 2009):
you need to have a major discussion with your husband and explain to him that you do love him to bits but you have needs. explain to him that you could end up in a dead end relationship. also explain to him that you are unhappy with your sex life but he needs to realise that there's nothing else that can be done if you're feeling this way. seven years is too long to go without sex and it may be hard on your husband to hear but he has to understand that as he will have the same frustations as you are having.
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A
female
reader, crispap +, writes (27 October 2009):
This is a very difficult situation and no one can really tell you what you should or shouldn't do. It's up to you and what's in your heart. However, put yourself in your husband's place. If you were paralyzed how would you feel about your husband having sex and enjoying himself with someone else? You see it is not so simple as it sounds unless you get an escort or something and pay him for the night..sex can lead to more feelings and attachments for someone especially if you have a consistent affair with him. This will lead to mixed feelings, dishonesty, and lack of love, trust and passion with your husband.
It will destroy him if he finds out and he will hate you for it. If you are not strong enough to stay with him through all this without the sex..and no one is judging you if aren't..it is better to leave him than cheat on him.
What about children? Is that not something else you will want? Think about your future and what's important to you but no matter what you decide be there for him emotionally or at least as a friend. Can he not touch you at all? Kiss, touch..do whatever you can to ignite the passion. Watch erotic movies together and try to pleasure yourself as much as you can. I know if may not be enough but worst case have a one night stand (be very careful though) but don't get involved with anyone you know or you think you might fall in love with if you are still in love with your husband.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 October 2009):
This is a very difficult position to be in, because I know you're not a bad person, and I know you're not a slut or anything like that. And I'm aware that you're not in need of counselling either. You have my sympathy here. You're not bad, so don't feel guilty. Sex is important, so I won't judge you at all for feeling this way.
There are two issues here, that are both important. First of all, your husband's feelings. He is no doubt upset that you think this way, and would never allow this. And if he ever found out, clearly he would be hurt. But I'm not sure he's being totally fair to you in terms of listeing. After all, you are his carer, you haven't left, even though you could have and you sound like you've been a brilliant wife to him. I understand his point of view as well as yours, but he does need to listen to you, because clearly by not listening and just getting upset and mad has driven you here for advice. He has to understand that his disability is affecting your life too.
Secondly, how are you going to feel if you do have sex with another man behind his back? I have the feeling that once you've done it, you're going to feel pretty bad about yourself. Also, when affairs take place, it's generally very hard for emotions not to develop. That last thing you need is to suddenly find yourself falling for someone else and being torn even more. Are you going to feel guilty afterwards and feel awful for doing it? Will you be able to lie to your husband?
Ultimately, I can't tell you what to do, and I think a lot of people on here are going to struggle to tell you as well. It's a case of if you do have an affair, you risk feeling awful about yourself and you risk your marriage, and if you don't, you'll lose your sex life. My advice would be not to have an affair, because i think you're risking much more. You feel guilty just about thinking it, so what will you feel like if you do it. Is there any way that you could spend more intimate time with your husband (I know he can't have sex), but could you just spend an evening with him and your toys, or spend time not caring for him and just being his wife? (As stupid as that actually may sound)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I am so sorry for you. I can only say that you have a right to express what you need. I think you and your husband should both go to counselling. This problem will not go away if ignored it will only get worse.
I hope this helps,
Elpigaro
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