A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:37 years old, successful doctor, married for 8 years and have only one child .. he is 6. I am in love with another woman for sometime now .... she doesn't want the role of being mistress ... she want a full relationship and to divorce my wife if I want to be with her .... I have cheated on my wife several times, without her knowing that and I am in my marriage just for my son. Previous times of affairs were just for sex ... this time, I am really in love and I can't stay away from this woman, at the same time I have a hard time being away from my son. I don't hate my wife but I don't love her anymore. Should I just end my marriage or stay in it for my son ???
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affair, cheated on my wife, divorce, mistress Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhPinkyGirl +, writes (25 October 2009):
 I really think you should try to rekindle things with your wife and not take the selfish way out. Divorce is devastating. My dad cheated on my mom multiple times, and in the end he wanted to rekindle things and asked for forgiveness from her but she refused, which is understandable but a part of me resented her. Sometimes I wonder if she had tried to stay with him how different my life would've been. Parents need to think more of how their child will feel rather than how the parents feel. It's really selfish for the both of you to cause this child pain. You're more in the wrong, but you need to try to mend things with your wife. My mom brought me up to forgive my dad but he chose not to stay in my life... if you do get a divorce then you need to spend a lot of time with your son to show him you love him. This whole mistress thing, it can cause your son to resent you and hate her. Is that what you want for your child? To grow up with so many questions that no one can really answer? Think about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): You are selffish and cheated on your poor wife. Please do not take your kid for your bad behavior. Your wife should know the truth. Please tell her and leave her alone. She deserve better. I hope you should end relationship with your wife asap. Do not waste her time on an Idiot as you. Let her find someone better and respect and treat her well.Don't stay a lie. If someday your son know you cheated on his mom what he will think about you? You have no charactor to teach your son to be an honest person when you are a liar.
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A
female
reader, MBHP  +, writes (25 October 2009):
Your son will probably come to sense that you and your wife are not exactly happy, kids can feel tension. My parents broke up when i was 13 which i think is a hard age for kids anyway what with all the teenage tantrums and hormones, anyway it made me feel sad when people asked about my family for about the next 3 years but i got over it.
I can't say i know for sure but i think if you're going to break up, then probably better whilst your son is still relatively young. I would be sure before you do leave your wife and the family home though, because it gets really confusing for children when a parent comes in and out of their lives.
When he's old enough he'll understand that you are your own person as well as a parent.
I do think though, that you should also think hard about leaving for another woman. Maybe if you were to leave the best thing would be to get your own place, with room enough for your son to visit... but not go rushing into living with another woman, your son will get used to spending time with you in strange surroundings, but might take a lot longer for him to want to spend time with you and to him...a stranger. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Thanks for everyone placed his input ... I am the one asking the question .... to clarify things ... that is my first marriage and my wife is a good person, she is too good to the point that I think she is a saint but I am not happy as she is my wife ... I am really in the marriage for my son but after meeting my girlfriend, my life has changed. I wanted to be with her the rest of my life and I have to say, if it wasn't for my son, I would have been divorced long time ago. I just don't want to be the one breaking the family and hurting my son .... I really can't think straight through this ....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 October 2009):
Certainly read Softtouchmale's response, there'a a lot of great detail there. I would say though, that unless you're 100% committed to your wife, you need to leave. Otherwise your child will eventually pick up that something is wrong, and then not understand the meaning of marriage or why you've stayed.
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A
male
reader, Markingbad +, writes (24 October 2009):
 You got to do whats best for your son. If he's got a happy home environment to grow up in then i wouldnt want it on my conscience that i caused him any misery. On the other hand you have to think about the effect on him of parents who dont love each other. If theres constant arguing at home that could be as bad or even worse than divorce. You are the only one who can see the big picture and its a tough call.
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A
female
reader, crazychick +, writes (24 October 2009):
 You shouldn't stay with your wife just because of your son. If that is the only reason you are in the relationship your child will realise that they do not live in a happy home, where as if you separate and both find your own happiness the child will be better off. If there is any chance at all that you can make your marriage work, then do try, go to marriage councilling but if not you should end it. You are not being fair to your wife at all and your numerous infidelities show a lack of respect for her, she deserves the right to be happy too.
I think you probably have some deep seated issues with commitment and should probably talk to a councillor about it otherwise I feel this problem will keep occuring throughout your life. It is possible that once you are separated and free to do as you wish, the excitement of your new mistress will wear off and you'll do the same to her when you get bored. You should cool it for a while until you've sorted out your marriage and got your head straight or you may end up hurting everyone involved.
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A
female
reader, Shiny Moon  +, writes (24 October 2009):
You didnt write how long you have been knowing this other women?
U had already cheated on ur wife before and you think your wife does not know this?
Before divorcing pls think about ur child's future. Also may be ur mistaken and you think that u are loving this women. may be its just infactuation.
You wrote that u dont hate ur wife. this shows that ur wife is a good women. your lucky that u got a good wife.
before taking a decision pls think wisely. you are already 37.
try to work out in this marriage. tell your wife about this other women. she will be upset but its better you discuss this thing with her also. she deserves to be a part of this decision before u take it. give soem time before your sure that u want to take divorce.
its going to affect ur child's future and urs also. may be u will be happy for some time and may be ur marrying other women mite just turn up a disaster.
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A
female
reader, Druggggggy +, writes (24 October 2009):
 Simply, if you dont love her, tell her. dont live a lie, then you can still see your son, and you get the woman.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 October 2009):
 A few questions come to mind.
First you say, "Previous times of affairs were just for sex ... this time, I am really in love ...."
Were these previous affairs connected with the same marriage that you are in now? Or were they affairs that led to your current marriage? In other words, is your current wife one of those previous affairs?
If so, I think you do have a deep-seated problem that has to be cleared off the decks IMMEDIATELY! You have to deal with that issue first no matter what your decision is, as you will repeat this pattern forever until you break it. Its bad behavior that's actually self-destructive.
Getting that question out up front here's an answer:
1. Don't ever get a divorce just because you want to be with a specific person! If you want to end your marriage, then end it because you're not happy in it or you don't love your wife anymore. But don't end it for another woman. That will eventually breed resentment in the next relationship, in the event that something goes wrong there. The tendency to divorce to be with someone else is strong, and unless you don't love your wife, there's no reason for this kind of behavior. Personally, its a terrible mistake and its the wrong way to make a sacrifice for a woman that you're in love with. Only because it can backfire.
2. Is it possible to salvage your marriage? That is, bring your wife closer intellectually, emotionally and sexually to you so that you don't have to look outside of your marriage? It may seem like a curious question, but there must've been something there that attracted the two of you into a marriage to begin with. What happened to that? Can it be recovered?
3. Assuming its not possible to love your wife, or salvage your marriage, then the next question is how you want to address your son's dilemma. Children are resilient to changes like this, but its still going to have an effect on his life. To have you running a transit from being home and living with another woman is a big deal. And, you have to persuade your son that its okay to like this other woman and there's got to be a great deal of forgiveness from everyone.
However, children aren't completely oblivious. Sooner or later he's going to view your girlfriend as the woman who broke up your marriage, rather than it being your decision. Even if he forgives, he won't forget.
I would have to say that your mistress or girlfriend, however you want to refer to her, ought to be considering the effect on your son before making these demands on you. And she has to be prepared to give a piece of her heart to your son, and be on friendly terms with your wife.
What is this other woman really like? Is she a decent, sweet caring human being, or is she possessive and merely wants you because you're a successful doctor? Will she be able to get along with your wife? With your son? Can she love your son too?
There are a lot of unanswered questions here, and the first step is analyzing whether or not your marriage stands a chance first.
The other issue is, no one here or in the outside world is going to have a lot of sympathy for you, particularly since you've had multiple affairs.
Serial philandering is a serious issue, even for your girlfriend. Think of it this way. She's stealing you away from your wife. Knowing you have a propensity to look outside your marriage or relationships to get satisfaction, how is this other woman, your mistress or whatever -- how does she know SHE can trust you? Can you trust yourself? Are you through playing around? Are you certain of that?
And what about your wife? She's given you a son. That says a lot. How's she going to take the news that you're leaving her for someone else, and worse yet, you've been out there running around with other women? Her self-esteem's going to be broken horribly. How are you going to help her recover from this? You owe her that much as you're going to spend at least 12 more years dealing with her and your son on a regular basis.
How will she [your wife] address these issues with your son? Will she be kind and not poison the well for the remainder of your relationship with your son? What will he think of you as he achieves manhood? What will he think of you as he transitions into adulthood?
All of this has to be well-thought out. I understand your plight. In a weird way I actually empathize with you.
Obviously something was bad in your marriage, whether it was generated by you or your wife. But whatever it is that left you dissatisfied and caused you to stray, it has to be addressed first before you jump into another relationship with a woman who in essence is demanding you leave your wife! You need to be certain of your decision here.
I know matters of the heart are not capable of being measured and quantified like medical science. But you know as well as everyone here, that where there are emotions involved, the heart is a fragile thing.
Think long and hard about this. Please. Remember you're dealing with emotions that belong to your wife, your son, your girlfriend and last but not least -- YOURSELF! You have to know for certain, and not have any doubts, what plans you have to make to leave everyone standing strong and on their own two feet.
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