A
female
age
41-50,
*9agegap
writes:Should I cut my losses? S and I have been dating for several months now. I'm 26, he's 31. We have fun together, we spend a lot of time together and I love him. We do have little quarrels but as a whole it is a great relationship. The only problem is, I want to settle down soon, perhaps in the next 1-2 years while he just turned to me the other day saying that he is not ready to settle down anytime soon and actually he thinks marriage is over rated. We are still together but I'm having doubts. If I want to get married eventually, should I even continue dating someone who seems like he does not want to marry me? True we have fun and I do love him but should I cut my losses when my bf is not ready to settle down? Please advice me here, esp on how men think. I told him my concerns, he said he understand where I'm coming from and we sorta said let's give ourselves 3-4years. However, I am still haunted by his he's not ready to settle down yet speech. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Many men -including myself- do not like the idea, procedure, responsibilites and even talk of marriage. We like it this way free and away from official social responsibilities.
Those kind of men, though wont resist marriage as it comes naturally with the women they are most used to, feel comfortable with.
If he is talking about 3-4 years he means it I think and you will get him. If you stick around.
A
female
reader, calamitysil  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 It seems he's not sure about you yet, well, enough to commit to marriage anyway. The fact is you're still together, enjoying each other, so why rock the boat? In this day and age where most marriages end up on the rocks, I think he's wise to take his time and choose when the time is right. Besides, just because he doesn't want to marry doesn't mean he's not committed to you. I guess it depends on how much being with him means to you. If marriage is the be all and end all, you may well need to find someone who thinks the same as you, but from what you write, it seems you both have the ingredients of a good relationship already, even without that piece of paper! Good luck :-)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 It's difficult to know what this man is thinking. Not all men think the same way. However, I think I can sort of analyze the situation. I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do, however.
As I see it, this is what might be happening:
a) He might need more time to be sure about marrying you. Perhaps the "several" months you've been together are not the time he needs.
b) He doesn't want to marry you but doesn't want to lose you. In this case, perhaps he dislikes the idea of marriage in itself, not the idea of living with someone. Or, he just doesn't want to marry you.
I'm afraid we can't know for sure. I would suggest you stay with him for some more time, to check where the relationship is going to.
I do have to point something out, however. A straightforward person would say something like "I'm not ready yet". He told you not to ask the question again in three or four years. He just won time. I don't think a person needs that much time to know whether s/he is for someone or not. Since he is asking for that long a period of time, perhaps (and this is a big perhaps) he just doesn't want to marry you. Which wouldn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be with you. But it would mean that you two don't want the exact same thing.
I would wait some months and ask the question again.
Also, I agree with you as to settling down. At 31, he should be doing it :-), and he must know it.
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A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (26 November 2007):
Do keep in mind that you have been together for only a few months, and he may just not be sure about you yet. It took me months of reasearching to decide on a car... and that's just a car... a life partner & future co-parent to your children takes some serious time to evaluate!!
These things do tend to develop on their own over time, and marriage for marriage sake is over-rated. What it really comes down to is whether you can laugh & have fun with that person... because if you have that base, marriage (when it does eventually happen) will be based on this if its good. Yes, there'll be the "in love" part, and the sex, but the "in love" fades and one day (when you're old & grey), the sex will too & what you'll have left is your humour & conversation together... and that's what you're working out at the moment - if it's good with this person... and he's doing the same.
Don't think too far ahead just yet... ask yourself if you enjoy spending time with him. If you do, go out with him again, but don't put too much pressure on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Yeah take what he said seriously. You are being very wise and realistic and that is good. You want to marry in the next year or two and he told you he doesn't so I would definitely not expect anything out of this relationship. In fact, I would move on if I were you. At least he was honest.
But what I like about you is that you are realistic. So yeah cut your losses.
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A
male
reader, a day at a time +, writes (26 November 2007):
from a blokes side of things if a woman pushes in the commitment area we tend to recoil like from a hot flame younger blokes dont have the need to be settled down as life is full of new things so if you commit then you may missout on something life wants to give you. the fact you only been with him for several months (dont know how many as you have not stated) he may feel he is being trapped as his mates probly told him that too and marrage for me was over rated at that age too as today is different i myself just 8 days ago became single again it was my doing as the woman would not commit to a 1 on 1 relationship after 13 months yet when i was your fellas age i was the non commitment person, fear of being trapped and tied down lots of blokes fear some admit it some dont and some just dont know. you could go out with your friends a bit more just the girls (to a night club) and see what response you get when he knows your out late and perhaps dont be so forward in telling him you want too settle as if he gets a wiff you are looking to date others he will ether shape up or he wont then you will know. good luck
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Hey hon, if you believe you may want to get married in the future and he doesnt then, you may be in for dissapointment if you stay with him and in the future he does not want to marry..You both need to sit down and talk about it :) I hope you are ok and i wish you luck :) Feel free to mail me about anything x
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