A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been maried 15 years. Over the last 5 years my wifes sex drive has been in decline whilst mine has increased. We now have sex very rarely . I practiclly have to beg for sex but she wont give in.I recently made contact with an old friend and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex.I dont feel guilty but am worried about my three children. I am going to continue to see this person and she knows all about me being married. Should i continue to engage in a sexual relationship or should i put this behind me as a mistake but continue our friendship??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): I realize you are married with children, and both of you should be happy. But I think if you and her keep doing what you are doing, no one will ever be happy. If your wife refuses to try to get help and doesn't take your feelings in to consideration, then there is a problem. Sleeping around was wrong with all these women, that just gives you the temporary fix. I am not here to condemn you, you already know it's wrong. What is going to solve the problem is both of you have to work at finding the solution with doctors and each other. If there is seriously no solution or disire, then you have to ask yourself...will I really be able to live like this, will I committ myself to her and never stray...and if you know you can't or won't, then don't make your's or her life misareable. She will know or find out, which is worse? I do feel for the kids, but if you are a father and love them as you say, you will always continue to be there for them and support them even if you do get a divorce. Good Luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): I'm a little confused on some of what you have said. Have you even talked to your wife about it? Is it you, or is there the possibility of some health issues here? First, there should be some form of communication between the two of you. Not just the "she doesn't want to have sex" is all I have heard from you. If it's health issues, you should be concerned and show it..prove to her that you would like to find the cure of the problem. If it's not that, and it's the I'm just to tired thing, then you two should set some alone time together with out the kids. If it's you two just not wanting to make a go of it, and you have tried, then why show it (and it will show) in front of the kids....move on with your life if your not happy. But I don't suggest sleeping with someone for the booty call. That is why the world is getting the way it is, everyone thinks they should just go sleep with someone when they feel the desire. What happened to morals? I'm not thrilled with divorce, but I don't believe in making everyone misreable either. And believe me, you will or she will...and then it passes to the kids...they will feel it.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Having noted all the things you added I stick by my original gut instinct of your poor wife. None of the things you describe are her fault yet you're blaming her for them regardless. Nobody is going to be sympathetic to you for having an affair. If you were sticking by your wife people might feel sympathy but noone is going to think you're the victim in this. You're the one pulling your family to pieces, not her.
CD
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 The fact that she's on anti depressants means that she's depressed, and I think it's no news to you that people who get depressed tend to have their sex life interrupted.
Your talk of age differences is rather strange. What does five years matter at your age? It's not like she's 20 and you're 15. You're both grown-ups and a lot of couples have a bit of an age difference.
As far as I can see, you just have 2.5 decent ways of solving your problem:
1) couples counseling (to find your way back to a healthy relationship, because if you still love your wife, you should try to mend the relationship in any way you can).
2) divorce (yes, she may be depressed, but it's no use for you to be stuck in this relationship if it's going to make you depressed as well, it's just going to hurt the kids).
3) reaching an agreement with your wife concerning extramarital pleasures (this is the half-decent option, because it really doesn't solve anything, it just lets you live with the problems and the question will hurt your wife).
And concerning you not needing abuse for being a womanizer; I can't speak for all the people here, but I think you will have a difficult time finding anyone who would support somebody having an affair and lying to their partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlet me add afew things since my orininal post
my wife is 5 years older than me
this other woman is my age
i did not go out looking for sex it was the last thing on my mind
my wife has been to the doctors cause she thought it was the menopause.it wasnt there is nothing physcally wrong with her
she give excuse after excues to avoid sex
her time of the month lasts for at least 18 days starts with a pain for a week before
again she has been examined and there is nothing wrong with her
i have tried alsorts of romantic gestures but all fail
SHE DONT WANT TO KNOW
even if i mention sex she goes up the wall
our marrage is dead the only thing stopping us splitting is our children
and the fact that she is an ex heavy drinker and on anti depressants means i cannot leave her at the moment
god i am so depressed myself.this friend has given me a light at the end of a long tunnel
please i need help here not abuse for being a womaniser
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): NO, you should neither continue the affair, nor the friendship! You are married, and this is cheating. Irregardless of whether you feel guilty or not, you are not doing what is best for your children, OR your wife.
Either talk to your wife and try some counselling to see what is at bottom for her reluctance to have sex with you. Or set about getting a divorce, if you really want to be with this other woman. Most likely there may well be other issues going on in your marriage that have led to this state of affairs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): You made contact with an old friend for the reason to have an affair so please don't say one thing led to another. If your are so unhappy in your marriage then you should have spoken to your wife about your needs and desires and asked for medical exams to be done as it could be medical related; alot of health issues effect the sexdrive. You should also have gotten some marriage counselling. These are the proper and correct sources to turn to in such times when your marriage feels unbalanced.
Sex can be a very big issue and it depends on each person on an individual level.
That there is no respect going on and no communication you have to make a decision.
Save and work on your marriage and rededicate or end it.
I would rather hear a man or woman of making a difficult choice but still giving their partner the respect to terminate the marriage before the man or woman has sex with another person who is not their spouse.
You need to decide if this is a repeat offense you see yourself commiting again and if so...then what are you going to do?
What you have done was not proper and cannot be justified.
You should feel remorse and that you don't is very greivious and has me wondering about your integrity.
You should be worried about being an honorable and trustworthy man and father of three children.
Your marriage obviously means nothing to you so for the sake of your children is weak at best.
You failed to think of them and the consequences while you were engaged in sexual activites with said old friend.
Who are you kidding?
You stay away from temptation...you two have proven you cannot just be friends.
Or you divorce and do what you will and support your wife and kids financially.
It's either or here...none of that inbetween crapola.
You'll be happier in the long run.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 First of all, you are kidding yourself if you believe that you can go back to just being friends. You stated, that your friend is aware you are married....like that was honorable of you to mention to her....Um...sir??? What about your wife's honor? Do you care about saving your marriage at all? Thats the question you should be concerning yourself with....not
"Should I continue my torrid love affair...or just be her friend"???.... Think of your marriage.....or you ready to end your marriage? If so...then do so.
Best Wishes
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 You should feel guilty. And you can't just be friends with this person. The way this is supposd to unfold, ideally is to work on the problem in the relationship to figure out what went wrong. Your wife should not dismiss your needs so easily. You though, should not use that as an excuse to cheat.
Many people make the mistake of not dealing with the problem before things get out of hand. Some convince themselves it's Ok to have their egos stroked by another person. It usally leads to what happened here.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (4 February 2007):
You know the answer to this. Regardless of your feelings towards your wife your first priority has to be the happiness of your children.
CD
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 February 2007):
 You know if you continue seeing this person it IS eventually going to come out about it. These clandestine relationships are only secret for so long until the shit hits the fan. If you really love your wife then I would stop this now. You have far too much at stake here to lose don't you agree?
What you really need to do is romance your wife again and put some spark into your marriage again. 15 years is a long time and every marriage loses it's appeal as the years go on. Relationships need to be worked at and not taken for granted so I suggest you try to spend a little quality time with your wife and communicate! If it's possible, get someone to look after the kids and have a romantic weekend away. Do things to make her feel special! Make her feel loved, cared for, and cherished.
Some ways to do this is to give her a kiss out the blue, if she asks you what that was for just say "because I love you!" You have no idea how much of an impact that will make on her. Leave a note or a short poem on her pillow telling her how much you love her. Stick another one in her purse, even put one on the vacuum cleaner. Although these are little things they are BIG things to her and I bet you'll see a difference in her.
Try and talk together when the kids aren't around instead of busying yourselves with other things, watching TV, on PC etc. Just talk! Although she'll be quiet to start with, if you continue to talk with her and ask her questions ie how's your day been? You look tired love are you okay? Is everything okay with you you seem a bit quiet, do you want to talk about it...? etc then she WILL open up to you if you stay there and listen. Women LIKE you to draw them out and often when they say (Are you okay?) fine... she doesn't really mean fine, she means... ask me more questions to show you're really interested THEN I'll tell you. Strange but true! ;o) Stick at it and she'll soon be telling you her true feelings.
If she feels loved, wanted and cared for then she'll feel sexy and special and WANT to make love to you more often. Remember she is a busy mother, wife, house maid, cook, cleaner etc and she may even hold down a job so things will be hard for her and she might just be feeling a bit unappreciated. Forget this other woman, she only spells trouble and will certainly cause problems for your marriage, if not now then in the future, I promise you that.
Here are a couple of links to help you put that spark back into your marriage.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/41885/5_easy_ways_to_put_the_spark_back_into.html&
http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/167/32/
Think about it, HAVE you been spending quality time with your wife? Are you like ships passing in the night? You'll only get OUT of a relationship what you put IN! If I can be of any more help just email me and I'll be glad to talk with you some more.
Eve
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A
female
reader, dragonette +, writes (4 February 2007):
If you continue seeing this other woman, it might be hard for you not to have a sexual relationship with her. Call me a pessimist, but I think that for most people it's difficult (neigh impossible) to go back from being lovers to just being friends.
Two things in what you wrote stands out to me:
1) You've been married for 15 years, but the one time that you cheat on your wife you don't have any feelings of guilt.
2) Your wife doesn't want to have sex.
I think these two things indicate that something is missing in your relationship. Maybe you need to try to fix it instead of having an affair?
If you feel you want to continue having a relationship with this other woman, maybe you should consider a divorce. Your children will always be your children, and you would still see them, even if you weren't married to their mother anymore.
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