A
female
age
,
*igkahunaswife
writes:I am afraid that my husband of 21 years is having an emotional affair with a women at work. I have confronted him several times only to hear shes married, its nothing quit sweating about it, however, he works 5 to 5 and he tells me hes has no time to call or text me, yet he goes over text messages every month and most are to her. She is the first one he texts when he gets up and the last person he texts before he comes to bed. He hides his phone, keeps it by him at all times and I have on occasion been able to check it and found stuff that was not appropriate. He still says I overreact and now locks his phone and keeps it by his side. What do I do if he wont be honest with me. SHould I be upset that he sends over 100 text mesaages a month to her? PLease advise im going crazy!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Hiding his phone tells a lot about him. She is getting all the care and attention he is giving to you so he must be cheating. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Don't let him. You deserve to be treated better than this.
A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (19 May 2008):
Your husband is cheating on you! It may not be a physical relationship, but he is being unavailable to you emotionally and socially! He would rather share his feelings and talk dirty with another woman, so that is definatley cheating!
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A
female
reader, GetAGrip  +, writes (19 May 2008):
If you have already told him this is not acceptable and he still hasn't stopped. Don't continue to fight him over this, he will only want this women more. You need to show him your not jeleous now. What he is doing is totally out of order but he is only doing this because you have problems in your relationship. Go to councilingon your own. This will help you to be a stronger person. He will see changes in you. If you have been with someone this long, and still love him, you need to work on your relationship and give it 100% before you move on. then at least you can say you tried.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 If he does not want or beg you to come back to him,
then he is just pure rubbish or some dead wood and leaving him is the most logical thing.
Move on with your life.
If he wants you to come back , it will be on your terms..
unconditional surrender on his part.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 May 2008):
If you want to make your marriage well and strong ,
you will have to leave.
This is a paradox.
When you are there, he does not value and appreciate you.
But when you are gone , he will realize your significance
and the importance of you in his life.
When something is gone , we will realized how priceless a thing is.
He has taken you for granted.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 May 2008):
There are some women , where even 1 text is enough to cause
a huge furore ,while yours amounted to 100.
It is beyond comprehension.
If he respects you he should stop or be open and showed you those texts .
His behaviour is unacceptable and you need to be more
affirmative and set out your limits and boundaries to him.
Tell him to stop or you will walk out of your marriage.
No two ways about it.
The only way you can get him to listen to you is by arm twisting him .
Be prepared for the long haul.
If you are not ready yet, get prepared for this battle .
All your past actions are like that of a toothless tiger.
He knows that you love him and will never leave him .
He is treating you like a door mat.
The other method is to get a friend to go along with you
and you text him like mad and let him see your actions.
If you cannot get a friend, get another phone and play this charade.
Mirror back to him .Give him a taste of his own medicines.
Choose your battle lines.
You don't have to put up with his text if you don't like it.
It is your decision.
Do you want to be mentally and psychologically abused by him?
How much can you take it sitting down?
No more talking, only actions now.
Fight for your rights!
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 What he is doing is very inappropriate. He thinks you really wouldn't ever leave. I would tell him one last time to stop it; maybe even contact the woman and talk to her a bit. Then if he continues, leave him. Most likely he will want you back so insist on couples counseling to get to the bottom of things.
I do think there is hope but you have to put your foot down with him so he knows you mean business.
Good luck! xo
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (19 May 2008):
 This isn't sounding good at all, the fact that he dismisses your concerns is a sign that he is not treating you in the manner he should. If he was behaving as a caring husband and partner he would acknowledge your insecurities around this, talk with you about it and more importantly change the behaviour, even if there is nothing "sinister" going on - to show you that you and your feelings are his top priority. It seems he has done the complete opposite and that has left you feeling incredibly hurt and vulnerable, and that it you who has the "problem" in some way. I bet you don;t know what to think of him at the moment!
The problem is that unless something here changes (ie; he stops the contact/talks with you/ sees a counsellor with you? - the resentment and mistrust you feel is going to fester and grow. I also suspect that IF nothing has happened between hubby and the woman at work to date...this "emotional connection" they are fostering WILL lead to something more.
What you describe is more than a "friendship" - is he for real? How would he like it if you were texting some other guy morning, noon and night?
I really feel for you - as your husband unwillingness to address the issue thus far leaves you in a very difficult position. Maybe asking him to see a relationship counsellor with you would be helpful...to have a non-biased mediator to help facilitate discussion. You could even sell it to him as something YOU need...eg: you worry about your recent insecurity and lack of trust and feel you need to talk about it so as to not let it impact on your marriage any further....something along those lines? He might go for it if he doesn't think he's being "accused" of anything???
I DON"T think you should ignore what's happening tho - there is most certainly cause for concern here.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Get hold of his phone and text her yourself behind his back - see what comes back - maybe while he is sleeping. Sorry this is sneaky but needs must. Surely this has to stop. He is treating you terribly. Totally not acceptable. You need absolute ammunition to fight this one - evidence he cannot fob you off with.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 May 2008):
 As you said, you should walk. Sending 100 messages when he doesn't have the time to send them to you? And texting her as soon as he wakes up and right before he goes to bed? Hell no this is nothing innocent. And what does it matter if she has a husband, he has a wife and look what he is doing to you! Have a sit down with him and ask him to give you a reason why he can't send messages to you but can to her. Ask what is in those messages. Get an answer from him, not this "she is a friend" crap. Hiding his phone from you should be enough to tell you their relationship is not something appropriate. If he won't give you a straight answer or stop talking with this girl, let him go. You have been through too much with this guy to let him treat you like this. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bigkahunaswife +, writes (18 May 2008):
bigkahunaswife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to tickleyourfancys response, the inappropriate stuff was pics of her and he works 5pm to 5am. His check tells me hes at work because I can figure his hrs vs his check. My problem is I ask about there friendship and it gets skipped over evrytime and the subject changed. I dont want to leave I love him however, if his behavior doesnt change and the texting doesnt stop I am prepared to walk. I have a great job and I just think after 20 years of standing by him thru his alcoholism(been sober now 10 yrs) affair, verbal abuse and now this, I am pretty well done. I dont know what he wans but I beginning to think hes willing to risk loosing everything to find out whats going to make him happy and im sure he will be sorry thanks for the reply
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A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy  +, writes (18 May 2008):
I suppose it all depends on the content of the messages, what was not appropriate? 100 messages a mth isn't alot if he's working with this person. He's behaviour sounds like he's hiding something though and first and last person he texts each day speaks volumes to me. Is it all texts or phonecalls aswell? Is he leaving the house at 5 in the morning to go to work? I would suggest following him to see if he's at work at this time. You need to think of what you would do if he is.
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A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy +, writes (18 May 2008):
I suppose it all depends on the content of the messages, what was not appropriate? 100 messages a mth isn't alot if he's working with this person. He's behaviour sounds like he's hiding something though and first and last person he texts each day speaks volumes to me. Is it all texts or phonecalls aswell? Is he leaving the house at 5 in the morning to go to work? I would suggest following him to see if he's at work at this time. You need to think of what you would do if he is.
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A
male
reader, jezman  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 of course you should be upset! thats not right at all! does he even realise how upset you are? you have to talk to him but you need to find a way to make him come out with a different answer aside from just pushing the matter to one side. go on a walk, have a night spent together just the two of you. hes your husband, you should be able to share everything with him. tell him how you feel when you know that he'll listen to you and respect your emotions.
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