A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello Everyone. I have been dating this girl for about a year and a half and so far we haven't really fought over anything major, at least rarely. Recently, after saying I would stop being jealous over stupid stuff, might have been a bad idea, she started sitting in other guys laps (innocently I presume). Now at first when I saw this, I acted like I didn't care because I didn't want to come off as an overprotective jealous boyfriend, she only does this with mutual friends after all. So I bottled it up, and just let her do it. Today she did it again, and I finally said something to her, at first as a joke, then I got more serious and posed this question, "If a girl was sitting in my lap, would you be mad?" She then told me it was different, and I responded, "... uhhuh", almost sarcastically. Then I said, "so it's ok to sit on a guys lap, if your a girl who has a boyfriend, but it's not ok for a girl to sit on a boy who has a girlfriend. You don't see an issue with this?" She goes, "nope", and I said, "alright then", just wanted to make sure. So I stopped talking about it for a while to let that sink in, but later I mentioned it again, couldn't help it, and we got in this argument and then she reacted the exact way I thought she might, she goes "sorry I guess I'm a whore" "I didn't say that" Then bla bla bla ... (not getting in to this I'm trying to keep this as short as possible, you could probably guess how this went on anyway.) Later I apologized for being a jealous pr**k. She said I love you, I said I love you back, and she goes "haha yeah right." Felt lower than low after that, like I was a bad boyfriend who doesn't really trust his girl. Is this feeling justified or is it her that's at fault, or perhaps both of us? Does she just want attention? I already give her plenty, hell I stay up with her at night, even non-sexually. Or is this one of those situations were she wants me to be jealous? In which case, wtf! I've looked on other forms that had a similar question, and they all have mixed opinions. Some, mostly guys, say yes of course you should have an issue with that, she sounds like a flirt. Others, mostly women, say no your overreacting, girls do that all the time and don't mean anything. Personally I was on the fence, yes it's a little weird that some girls do that, but if they don't mean anything by it, does it make it ok? Should I just not have said anything? What do you think? Also thanks for reading.
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male
reader, Eddie Drumz +, writes (8 January 2012):
I think it is totally inappropriate for a girlfriend or a boyfriend to in a committed relationship to sit on another person of the opposite sex' lap. Its disrespectful to the boyfriend and it can only cause problems.
There is right and wrong-- and its not about control--its about respect for yourself-- as well as your partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): You do not have to be five to sit on someone's lap. Secondly why does it become sexual if u pass a certain age. Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps they were raised with different values. It has nothing to do with being ready for exclusivity or not. You ask one person to change, but not the other? Some people are more comfortable in their relationships than others. Sitting on someones lap can actually mean nothing. and if your are confident in your relationship with that other person it shouldn't matter. I would be fine with my friends sitting on my fiance's lap because I am confident it will not change his feelings towards me and he's not gonna go omg a female in my lap must fuck. I would hope he would be as comfortable and stable feeling in our relationship as I am. If he were to be uncomfortable with something that is actually innocent I may have to rethink our relationship. I am sorry you all are so insecure with your own relationships, but that is your problem, and you probably shouldn't suggest to others to be just as insecure. Please think next time you decide to turn an innocent act, into something sexual and dirty.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 I often sit on my girl friends laps. Sitting on someones lap isn't always sexual, it is what you make it into. How if your girlfriend was sitting on a female friends lap? Would that be different? It shouldn't be, if it's a matter of principle and not case sensitive. And what if your girlfriend was bisexual, would it go from being ok to sit on a females lap, to not being ok? Or is that dependent on the female she'd be sitting on, if she is straight, bi, or gay?
The point Im trying to make here is that if you start implementing some rules, you need to get to the core of WHY this bothers you, and what cases are ok and not, and why so. Otherwise it will make no sense, and be impossible to implement. You don't want to end up in a relationship where you and your girlfriend need to memorize the "rules" each time you go near another human. You and her need to find a logical common ground where she understands why certain things trigger you, and for her to see it from the same perspective as you. If she doesn't understand it, she wont follow it.
Then again, I agree with Nime in a certain way. For some people it is case sensitive. For some it isn't. And that's fine. But it creates a problem if for your girlfriend this is ok in every case, and to you it is not ok in any case. What others think or feel about your girlfriend sitting on someone elses lap doesn't matter! If we agree with you or disagree doesn't matter really. Because what matters is what you and your girlfriend think about this, and that alone is what you can base your relationship on.
I believe in compromise, but in problem solving there are only three ways: your way, my way, or compromise. Those are your options. Nothing is right, nothing is wrong, there is only personal opinion, and hopefully you can find a way to compromise, or one of you can back off, or you will break up and find a more compatible person.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (31 March 2011):
 I disagree with these comments that it's okay for your girlfriend to sit on a guy's lap in certain circumstances. It's NOT okay. Your girlfriend is not 5 years old; she's a sexually active young adult and unless she's been living in a cave she knows how sexual the minds of young men are. She knows what sitting on a young man's lap does to him, regardless of teddy bear status. She can probably 'feel' what it does to him too, and she clearly enjoys the idea that while she's sitting on a guy's lap, SHE is all that guy is thinking about. Perhaps she also subtly enjoys the idea that she can control other guys' erections and they can't do anything about it. This is totally unacceptable behavior, and if I were you I would get rid of her, because she clearly is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship - and I'm not even counting the fact that she doesn't give a crap about your feelings. The next time your girlfriend throws the "you think I'm a whore" comment, tell her "no, because whores get paid; you're actually more like a slut."
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Wow. I don't think it is okay for her to sit on another man's lap, just as I don't think it's okay for you to have another woman sitting on your lap.
I don't care what the situation is, if there is a shortage of chairs, sit on the floor or stand up. I don't care how innocent it is, it's crossing a line to me. My fiance agrees adamantly and I don't view that as a jealous over protective boyfriend, I view that as a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.
Your gf's statement of, "I'm a whore" was a way of making you feel guilty for saying anything about where she is sitting and a change of subject and you let it work. If it means that much to her that she has to be able to sit on another guys' lap, but it's different if a friend of yours who is a girl sits on your lap, then perhaps you need to find a gf who understands boundaries.
She sounds like a spoiled sixteen year old.
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A
female
reader, sweetpie-x  +, writes (31 March 2011):
I think she is being a cow!! I would be pissed at my so called 'friend' for even letting her sit on your lap! she is doing it for a reaction out of you! Its not right for her to be sitting on other guys laps, even if it is at a party if there was no where to sit, either ask a guy to move or stand the hell up!! if me and my boyfreind were in that situation i know for a fact he would be pissed, and he isnt the jealous type!! But no girl who has a boyf should be doing that!! she wouldnt like it if a girl came and sat on your lap.. 'no hunny there was no where for her to sit so i offered her my lap' ye right!!! If she is going to be that way.. she isnt worht it! dump her before it gets worse and she does somethign else
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 March 2011):
To me that is totally up to the situation, where she is at, is it a party, are there other places she could sit etc? Imagine if you are both at a crowded party, with friends, and everyone knows each other, having a laugh, but there's no more chairs, and you're busy somewhere. I'd think it's ok and harmless if she sits on a friends lap then, just to sit somewhere and not stand. Had you been in the room, sitting somewhere, she'd be sitting on your lap. I would love to sit on my boyfriends lap anytime, and imagine any girlfriend who's into her guy would love to sit on HIS lap, and not some other guys lap. But in the case that you are busy somewhere else, another guys lap can do for a chair.
But, say you're at a place with people you don't know that well, and there are available chairs... sitting on another guys lap then is not something I'd think appropriate. In no case actually, if there is lots of friends at the place, but available seats, I'd sit on a seat! Sitting on a guys lap, when there are available seats, is flirting in my book.
Then again when people are drunk (at parties) they are more loose around the edges, not too picky, don't care too much, you know. I'd think it's fine then to sit wherever your butt lands, if the atmosphere is of such a nature and everyones comfortable with it.
But bottom line anyway: if you are there, and your lap is available, she should be sitting on your lap, not elsewhere. Sitting on other guys laps when the boyfriend is at the same setting, is tacky to me. Unless, of course, the situation calls for it. Perhaps she sits there as a joke, or she was dared for the sake of a game, or other things. Then it's ok. But otherwise ... nah.
As for the boyfriend, he'll be allowed to have girls on is lap, but if the girlfriend comes along and wants to sit she gets the lap, no questions asked, and the other girl needs to move.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 No, it's not Ok if the girls do not mean anything. For a simple, practical reason- the guy can have an erection , as an involuntary authomatic reflex . I know because it happened to me , in very innocent circumstances ( rehearsing a play ). Not that it would be so terribly shocking, but embarassing, that it is - and she should want to spare her friends any possible embarassment.
Besides, sitting on a guy's lap is acting seductive, and why does she need to act seductive all the time ?, and in front of her boyfriend ? If it happens once, as a joke, ok let's pass it- but if it happens regularly, she is being disrespectful ( and tacky ) and you are right in asking her to stop .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): No offence dude but you've gone about this the wrong way in my opinion you just backed down and let her "I'm a whore" deflection work. I'm the same as you, I have physical boundaries that must be maintained, a level of comfort and physical closeness that I'd be very uncomfortable with.
First off let me just say that there's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with her doing that, innocently or not it's just something that bothers you. It doesn't matter what any of us say only how you feel.
In my honest opinion I don't see her stopping it at all, you see she knows how to get you to back down. You were perfectly within reason to tell her how you felt about her sitting on peoples laps and she turned the whole thing around and made you sound like an asshole. Again whether her doing that is right or wrong, innocent or guilty it doesn't matter. What matters is that it makes you uncomfortable and when you told her this she completely turns it back around on you, makes it sound like you're being an asshole and you fell for it and apologized, when you did nothing wrong.
She's the one who's in control of this situation completely. I'm not criticizing dude perhaps that's just the dynamic of your relationship, she wears the pants and if you disagree with anyone she makes you out to be the one in the wrong and you cave.
It's not about jealousy, it's about respect. She expects you to keep your hands off other girls and not have girls sitting on you but she can go off an do all that because it's "different"? Of course it's different, what is different about it is she knows you'll back down and let her do it, while if she saw you doing it she'd make a big fuss and you'd stop, you probably wouldn't even let happen in the first place. You see when you told her it was an issue she completely deflected it, she defended that kind of behaviour even though she knows it bothers you.
You need to take back some control here and tell her what it really means to you for her to do that. No argument, no fighting just sit her down and tell her it hurts. That it seriously bothers you and it's something that is making you feel like shit, that even though she's your girlfriend other guys are able to cozy up to her to a level that's too much for you. It's not about jealousy dude, you have nothing to be jealous about she's your girlfriend and make it clear it's not about jealousy it's about comfort and respect. If you could turn off your feelings on the matter then you would but that's not going to happen, the ball is in her court as to whether she's going to continue to do it and keep making you feel this way or if she's going to stop or at least cut down on it.
The question is this "Is sitting on those guys laps really worth hurting me over when you would feel the exact same way if I was letting girls sit on my lap?" OP it really doesn't matter what she says in this, her opinion doesn't matter because it's not going to change how you feel about it. Don't let her turn this around on you again either. Don't back down to her hissy fit. You have an issue and instead of resolving it she made you look like an asshole.
Don't let that happen again.
I had an ex like that too, if she didn't get her way then she'd piss and moan like I was being an asshole. We had a pretty good relationship but when we fought about an issue she wouldn't discuss it she just tried to turn it back on me, you see she was used to getting her way in things that way because her previous boyfriends caved.
We came across an issue of her kissing her best girl friend when they were drunk. It was just a fun thing for them and they were just doing it to be "wild" and get attention. It was 100% innocent, my guy friends thought it was great and couldn't understand why I had a problem with it as it's most guys fantasy to see two girls together. I would agree but not when one of them is my girlfriend. I couldn't and wouldn't let it drop. When she tried to turn it back around on me and make me seem like a killjoy or that I'm trying to control her I told her it wasn't me it was my feelings. It wasn't about jealousy it was about comfort, and to shove her tongue passionately down another persons throat hurts. I didn't tell her to stop, I didn't make any demands, I even told her there was nothing wrong with her doing that but I can't help how I feel. I basically just said to her that I just wanted her to know that every time she did that it killed me and made me feel like shit. I would never try and stop her doing something like that, I want her do what makes her happy but that I just wanted her to be aware of how her doing that made me feel.
You see girls that will turn around an argument like your girl did, and my ex used to. Girls that try to deflect the situation back on you in order to get their own way, the need to feel like they're in control. They need to feel like you're not bossing them around or trying to force them to be the way you want them to be. You have to feed this need to get what you want. You need to let them think they're the ones in control by putting the issue out there an letting them think they're making the decision.
But there has to be a consequence to them doing that thing you want them to stop. When you're letting a girl think she's in control then you have to make what you want her to do seem sweeter. The consequence for my ex was that I just wouldn't go out with her and her friend because "I didn't want to be a spoil sport and ruin their night" by standing there feeling hurt because they kissed. I basically just told her that I wanted her to have fun and do that if she wanted to but I just couldn't stand there and watch it happen as it hurt. She "chose" to stop when I was there. You see by letting her think she had control and by making what I wanted her to do seem like the right thing to do without fighting or making her feel like I was saying she was wrong, the choice was easy because I played to her conscience you see she saw nothing wrong with doing that with her friend and as long as I agreed with her on that she wouldn't get defensive and close herself off and play the "you're the asshole" card.
"Is this feeling justified or is it her that's at fault, or perhaps both of us? Does she just want attention? I already give her plenty, hell I stay up with her at night, even non-sexually. Or is this one of those situations were she wants me to be jealous? In which case, wtf!"
All these questions are completely irrelevant, completely. None of that stuff matters, what matters is that her sitting on guys laps is something that hurts you. She's not wrong for doing it, you're not wrong for not liking it. It is what it is, so if you want her to stop then you'll play to her to strengths and her need to feel like she's in control, without sounding jealous and without making it seem like you're forcing her to do something.
Just tell her it hurts, she's not wrong, you don't want her to stop because you want her to be happy, you trust her and love her, and let her make the choice on her own. If you do it right then you can make her feel uncomfortable doing that because she'll have what it does to do in the back of her mind. That's what happened with my ex, she completely stopped doing it because I had taken the fun out of it for her. You see what was a fun little game with her friend had become soured for her because she associated it with hurting me. So she just didn't feel the same excitement or fun from it anymore even when I wasn't around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): If i sat on another guys lap my bf would flip! And i dont blame him id hate it if a girl sat on his lap. What applies to one, applies to the other. simple.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Hmmm it sounds weird, but at the same time it really does depend on the individual situation. If it's a guy who everyone just regards as a teddy bear, then it's different from the guy who's a known player. Either way, if it's making you uncomfortable she should either stop doing it or talk to you about why she does it.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Sorry dude, but she just sounds ditzy. This us what happens when you start to bend your value system and what you really want to say gets clouded in all the drama you trying to avoid. Sitting on a lap? Is she trying to give a lap dance it something? A guy's penis is practically going her at that point? From another perspective, what kinda guy would be comfortable having another guy's girlfriend on their lap? I sure as hell wouldn't feel comfortable, unless I was some manwhore and looking to score. While your judgement has been clouded, for now, there's no grey area here. You just don't do that sh!t...period. Moreover, her reaction to you communicating your thoughts on the matter, and rightfully so, just show you that her ability to empathize is severely lacking. Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and if you don't foresee that happening then make way for a lot of bullshite and drama with her. You just make her sound so ditzy and stupid. If she really is, then consider cutting bait...unless you see some genuine change and hopefully some other redeeming qualities in her. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (31 March 2011):
I think in this case you do have a right to be jealous, she herself admitted she wouldn't like it if it was the other way around and I don't think a fair few women would like it if girls sat on their boyfriend's lap.If your only problem is her sitting on other guys laps then it's not really much to ask for her to stop doing that. If you are/were constantly accusing her, then she just may be testing you or it could be that she wants you to be jealous.From her reaction though it doesn't sound like she is willing to discuss it as an adult. So I doubt you'll find out.
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A
female
reader, YinAndYang +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Okay, yes you should be jealous! It's natural for a guy to feel this way when his lady is sitting on another man's lap! To me, she sounds a little bit snobby at times, not to be offensive, but when you wrote that she said 'yeah right' when you told her you loved her, I'm sorry but that's unacceptable. I understand how girls are when it comes to nonsense such as this when they assume things you don't mean ( I have done that before ). You do not sound like a bad boyfriend if you have feelings for this girl and are concerned when she is sitting on other people's laps.So, I do believe you should've said something, but maybe you can discuss it with her calmly and politley. When she starts to make you feel angry and such, don't lose your head, and stay under control at all times.Honestly, I don't see any of my friends sitting on other guys' laps. But maybe I don't have the kind of buddies who do that. I don't see it often from anyone though.She may not mean anything by that because of who she is. She could think of the guys sort of like her 'girlfriends' in a sense, sort of a playful kind of thing. Woah, okay that came out wrong. I meant something along the lines of best buddies and you know how you see really close female friends holding hands? Well, maybe not, but I've seen it plenty of times.But as the position of being her boyfriend, you deserve every right to be jealous.I hope this helps you!
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