A
female
age
41-50,
*na Q
writes:Last night while I was in bed with my boyfriend making love, he asked me if I had any fantasies lately. I said no but asked him if he did. Earlier on ITR I introduced a little kinkiness to our sex life by talking about fantasies together to turn eachother on. These fantasies ranged from threesomes to homosexual encounters, but when they involved the opposite sex they were always with us both included. So last night while we were in bed he asked me if I had any fantasies lately. I said no but then asked him if he did and he was hesitant and then said finally yes, one today. So I pressed him flirtatiously while we were doing it and begged him to tell me thinking it would be like the ones we talk about. Much to my surprise he told me and it involved a woman who works at his Chiropractor's office he goes to for his back. Thinking I would somehow be introduced as a third party, I kept telling him to go on. Big mistake! He was like "yeah I saw her today while I was there and she's attractive so I fantasized about..you know, just f**ing her there" I My heart almost came out of my chest! I got so angry at him and asked him how it would feel if I said the same about a man in my office today and he said 'of course I'd be pissed and want to throw up at the thought!'..so I asked, why would you say that to me and hurt me? He said he thought we were being kinky since I like to fantasize with him so he didn't think it was a big deal since he doesn't even like her in the least but thought it was a kinky thought he had that day he could turn me on with since in the past we have shared fantasies.Am I wrong for being angry eventhough I begged him to tell me? I trust him very much and know this was just a fantasy and not something he would pursue, (he says she looks like me a bit and he was just missing me bc he hadn't seen me in a few days) but I couldn't help but feel like I had just been punched in the stomach. He apologized and said he used bad judgement. He then brought up a time when I was telling him a fantasy about a woman I saw at the store one time and how I fantasized about us having sex just the two of us and he said, "but why is that okay for you to tell me? That hurt me too". IMO I thought a lesbian fantasy would turn him on, but I dunno..once you start telling your partner about a fantasy of a real person of the opposite sex that you saw that day and see everytime you go to the doctor, and how you thought about just you two having sex, I think it's wrong. Let me add that I don't think fantasizing about someone else is wrong, I think telling your partner about it is wrong. Can someone tell me if I got angry over nothing here? Again, we have an extremely great sex life and relationship and if anything he is the jealous one with me and even is insecure that I would even choose to be with him. So he isn't some womanizer type. In his mind he just shared a fantasy with me since we have done that before so he thought it was safe. And i'm not dumb, I know he of course thinks about other women sometimes just as I think about other men. That is silly to be angry over bc it's totally normal, but I'm angry at the fact that he told me about it. So the question is, perhaps because lines were never drawn with 'sharing fantasies' he thought it to be okay. Was it bad judgement on his part, is he a jerk? Or did I open pandora's box? Please tell me I have nothing to be wigging out over (btw he has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him. I guess he just feels like we can share everything, but some things are better left unshared!)
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flirt, insecure, jealous, lesbian, sex life, threesome, womaniser Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (26 March 2011):
 You have the right to be jealous / angry / hurt / whatever, but the fact of the matter is that it's just fantasy.To all those saying you shouldn't fantasize about others when you're in a relationship... that's bollocks. Fantasy is an important part of sexuality, and just because you're in a long term relationship is doesn't mean you can't think about another human being sexually.I think you should tell him how you feel, but I think there needs to be some understanding. You *did* ask him about his fantasies, and he told you, so...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I would be very offended, maybe even leave him after a comment like that. The only woman he should be fantasizing about is you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): In an exclusive committed monogamous relationship, being truly honest about your sexual fantasies is playing with fire. A hypothetical 'I would love (something that obviously isn't likely to happen)' is fine; a deadpan 'I'm really tempted by (an actual living person who you regularly interact with in your daily life) is asking for trouble.
Best bet: apologise to each other, forget about it, don't go there again in conversation, and work on what you have.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 March 2011):
 It sounds like he started to say it in the heat of the moment, but caught himself at the last second - entirely understandable, our guard is (and *should* be) down during intimate times. It's the easiest time in the world to say something stupid. I'm impressed he even caught himself when he did.
After that, when you pressed him even though he was reluctant, you implicitly accepted that you may not like what you heard.
So, while you have every right to *feel* mad about it, you need to get past it without taking it out on him. Getting mad when your man is honest is a good way to train him to lie, either outright or by omission. You've already let him know that fantasy is beyond your boundaries, but staying mad for something you asked for is unhealthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I think you have the right to get jealous or hurt. You guys are in a relationship and you love him so it's normal for you to feel that way.
It's just that sometimes you have to be careful on your questions on guys/men. Cause once we asked them and force them our question, they tend to tell us the truth. If you know that you'll just get hurt on his answer then better not ask it. Besides if it isn't really necessary. I believe there's a lot other stuff you guys could talk about to spice things up in the bedroom ;)
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A
male
reader, Manitobesk  +, writes (25 March 2011):
He just found the boundaries of your game, they were untold. He might have guessed them though, if he would have been angry in the opposite situation (you telling him you had a fantasy about this guy you at your work)... But maybe he is expecting you to fantasize about some other guy and to tell him. If it's the case, then there's nothing to be angry about, and your fantasy game could reach a new level if you both want it.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (25 March 2011):
 You should not be mad at him. You asked about his fantasies and he felt comfortable enough to tell you one of them. I can honestly say not all of my fantasies involve my fiance. And it's ok because they are just fantasies, it's nothing I would act on. I would apologize to him and let him know that it just caught you off guard. And if you would be ok to hear more of fantasies, let him know that. And tell him you will keep an open mind and if any sound fun maybe you two could act them out. But remember, him feeling comfortable enough to tell you that fantasy is a good thing. He felt he could tell you about it and you would be ok with it. Maybe you could set ground rules for what is ok to talk about and what isn't. That way he knows what you are comfortable with sharing and what is a no-no topic.
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A
female
reader, kaykay1989  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 I think you may have opened Pandoras box with this one. I do understand somethings are better left unsaid most definately. If you haven't had any reason not to trust him then I would say it was a bit of misjudgement on his part.It's good in a way that he felt comfortable enough to tell you his fantasies and that you sex life is healty so try not to take it to heart and a lot of relationships lack what you've got and arn't as comfortable sharing there fantasies xoxox
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A
male
reader, Tecno258  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 You said that you trust him and and he won't not pursue it so I don't think it is really wort getting angry over. It took him a lot of guts to admit to you that he fantasized about somebody else. If it hurts you bot to fantasize about somebody else then maybe you two could agree to keep them fantasizes secret. And as you said he was missing you and that lady reminded him of you so as I said earlier I don't think it's wort getting angry over.Hope I helped,Tecno258.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Your the one who invited fantasy into your bedroom and made him feel like he could tell you anything as long as he never had any intentions of acting on it. So no, I don't think he used bad judgement or could have known how much his fantasy would hurt you. Now that he knows, he probably won't make the same mistake again.But if he does, then you would have good cause to be angry with him. But not this time.
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A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (25 March 2011):
Between the both of you - it's not a good idea to share fantasies if you're in a long term relationship. A guy will always have much wilder fantasies than a girl. It's better if you stop sharing fantasies. You're making him beleive that it's okay for you to have threesomes. It would lead to a lot of confusion and chaos later on.
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