A
male
age
51-59,
*aarde
writes:Hi :)I've been seeing the lady for 5 months now. She is 41, 2 kids separated for 3 years and her life is upside down - no job, bankrupt and mentally exhausted but an amazing women. She is trying to get out of it and probably will but who knows. I'm also divorced since 3 years with 2 kids but I put my life back together.We hit it off and I'm into her but she has always been maybe girl, not yes not no. Every 2 weeks or so we don't speak for 5 to 10 days because she feels stifled she says.Our kids met and love each other and us, we met each others parents and families, our friends are friends now, we make amazing love and stuff but everything is more or less one sided in conversations and doing things for each other.When we take time away, she always comes back and says she missed me and cares deeply about me, doesn't want to hurt me etc...She also says that she doesn't know how she will feel tomorrow and when I tell her that she's just not that into me and we should move on she wants to see me and make love to me.We do things together that only families would do and we have a great time, and she tells me that she loves doing those things with me and the kids.She also says she's 16 in her head.My question is should i just see her not often and play the distant guy or should i just break it of again (3 times I've broken up with her telling her that shell never love me and that she should go find her own guy but she always comes back) and never answer her emails, calls or text messages again ever and just move on.I think I should date her not often, no kids involved and try to start seing other women (but my heart isnt into it)maybe then she'll realize what shes got.Thanks
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 Kaarde,
I have to say she's just using you. I don't think I could tolerate someone rotating in and out of my life like this. I don't see why you're letting her do this to you.
I've been through this with a woman I love deeply and all she has done is hurt me over time. As much as I love her, she has hurt me in different ways. I still love her but have moved on. You need to do the same if you want to be happy in your life.
I'm telling you, you need to find a woman who's stable. This woman you're seeing on and off, she's playing you like a violin. You're there when she needs you; but she's gone when you need her. Its not healthy.
Its a one-way street. A one-sided affair.
There are so many more deserving women out there, than this one.
She treats you like a 2nd class citizen. You're the last guy she runs to, and the first guy she leaves. Wrong for you absolutely terribly wrong!
This ought to be a wake-up call. Man you only have so many years to live. How many of those will you waste on someone who obviously philanders, has no respect for you as a man; and has no real love for you, other than when she needs something.
She needs to get her shit together already. Or you need to tell her to take a hike. People like her are users.
If I were you, I'd start going shopping for a woman who has the strength and determination to stick it out with you. The situation you're in, she's wasting your life. She has to stop hurting you like this.
On the other hand, if you enjoy drama and bullshit then fine.
But I think everyone here has basically told you this woman's poison. At some point you'll have to take that advice to heart.
A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (17 February 2010):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a great 2 months, again, kids, bdays, amazing love making, she says she makes lov to me. When we ciddle, she says she doesnt want to be anywhere else. Then, it becomes like before. She says that when her husband left her she psomised herself that she would have oumph in her next relationship. She had it for an actor but only for a limited time because he was not smart, then for another actor who wasnt in love with her, left her for another. Then there is me. She always comes back, misses me but doesnt and has never had any oumph for me. I make her feel safe, we have very passionnate sex, we talk all the time but then, no oumph and she splits telling me its hard for her but she's not in love with me. I, stupid, stick around, buy her stuff, take her away and because of all this think that she's in, but she isnt. I'm lost, there is no clear cut thing, I love her (or I think I do). She still has no work, still not divorced after 4 years, still gets drunk when she goes out...I'm to good or stupid. I have to make a choice and move on....but I dont want to. Thought if I played hard to get...or told her I am seing other women...I'm looking for a way to make her fall in love with me.....
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (18 January 2010):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, its been a while since I posted here. We got back together just before Christmas, had a spat over nothing a few days later. We texted me Christmas day saying she had hoped we would spend some time together. We connected before new years and had a great time. Spent new years eve together. Did a birthday day with her son 2 weeks ago, did the whole thing, hugs, cake, presents, everything, just like a family. She got a bald cold last week and I became the Dad/husband for the week. Got the kids ready for school, picked them up, got food and medicine, took her to the clinic etc... Now that she's all better I'm getting a little ignored, its that time of the month again. Its always the same, thought it would be different given that we got so involved in everything. I'm letting her get back to me. Not going to initiate anything for now. Funny, when I get really involved with her talking to me on the phone for hours, conferencing me in to her divorce lawyer meeting, I get to a point where I don't want to anymore. Then when she retreats, I start feeling bad. You should see the kids when I'm there. They want me to stay, tons of hugs, hand holding... I'm nuts to let this carry-on!! I'm too much of a nice guy. I'm going to workout and get this out of my system. Thanks for any advice!
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (12 December 2009):
 Well it is over only if you want it to be. My "small point" is that you are the one in control of the choices you make and the relationships you have.
Do not let the simplicity with which I proposed my previous reply be misconstrued as an easy solution. The fact is there are no easy solutions. Every choice has a price and sometimes the price you are prepared to pay is smaller than the outcome you desire.
Nothing great happens without risk. Not every woman you have a relationship with turns out to be Ms. Right. Nobody should cave in to compromise and rationalization about the "potential" of what has been proven to be misguided hopefulness and expectations.
Make YOUR choices...learn YOUR lessons...move on to finding the woman that is YOUR true partner.
There are wonderful women out there for each of us. It is our job to seek and choose wisely with the confidence that comes only from knowing yourself.
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (11 December 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts been 3 weeks now since we broke up and no news. Guess its really over. Seems weird that there is so much in her life thats about or from me and still no news or change of heart. I guess thats the final judgement on the matter. Feel very sad but everyone tells me its a good thing. I know it is but it fells awfull. Time will help. Thanks everyone for your advice.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (6 December 2009):
Duce00 has a point to well a small point.
If you can tolerate her rotating in and out of your life, and waiting in the bull pen for your time at the bat, then I suppose that's okay.
But if I suspect you are more into monogamous relationships, then she's only going to frustrate and upset you. Women like this are so damn fickle. They work their options, moving from one guy to the next and back; vacillating all over the board.
At the end of the day you still get hurt if you're emotionally invested in her. From my perspective, when someone's doing this to you regularly like clockwork, it seems she's seeing someone else, and he's probably traveling or married or both. That being the case, she's getting something out of that relationship and forgetting about you until the dude wears thin on her and she runs back to you. As in you're nice enough to be a safe but less than satisfactory bet.
It just seems to me overall you're being used. If a woman really gives a damn about you, and she truly cares then its not going to matter. She's going to be on you pretty much like flies on rice.
Here, she seems to be playing the field. Which again is disturbing.
However, if you can put up with it and not think twice about her other than being a good time, then just use her as much as she uses you. Its sort of a mutual friendship with benefits. No strings. Its not fulfilling at all and probably lacks a great deal of trust. Without that trust there I doubt it can be real love.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (5 December 2009):
I agree with the other folks who suspect that she is dangling you by a string and probably other guys too. She just sounds like the type to me, but I could be wrong.While this might be emotionally beyond you at the moment, try to simplify what is going on. There are only 2 directions this can go: You stay as distant partners deriving your needs from each other on a pinch hit basis, or somehow you guys make a real relationship. I dont see the later happening here from what you have described.You just need to make peace with being an occasional fixture in her life and enjoy it for what it really is or move on if you cant handle that.I would bet that if you detached from the emotional drama cycle you would be better off with her or any other woman for that matter.
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (5 December 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally agrre with out on the year thing. As for smoking hot, youre dead on, smoking is putting it mildly!
Good advice. I'll bear the pain and move on.
Thanks !!
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (5 December 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think she has another guy, she is confused though. I think in a year she'll realise what she gave up but it will be to late or maybe I'm just beleiving that to stop my pain. I just know that I love her and that those moments were the happiest of my life. No matter what is going on I need to turn the page and get this as far away from me as possible just so I can survive.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 December 2009):
q1605 has a point there. Its possible she's got someone else dangling on a string, or maybe several men.
If you're in one day and out the other, it comes to mind first of all she doesn't really love you. More importantly though, for your own sanity I'd have to say blow her off for good.
She's going to do this to someone else, and probably repeat the pattern over and over again. Eventually she'll be too old and too used for most guys to pay attention to her.
Sad
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (2 December 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been 9 days since we ended it. I talked to her by email, sent her an app that creates a personalized movie for her kids featuring Santa. She thanked me but nothing really more than that. I guess it's really over. I feel very sad. I don't understand how someone can go from missing me, being totally jealous and then 20 days later reverting to - I'm not in love with you - I spent so much time with her, helped her in every way I could and truly loved her. She accepted all this and yet still she does this. I must be very naive or something. It's gonna take a while for me to get back up from this. And if she calls back? I figure I don't have a choice but to remind her that she's not in love with me and that it's pointless....man it hurts.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 November 2009):
Wow! She sounds like she's running some kind of time table.
She doesn't know what she wants, and it may be a long time before she figures it out.
Your decision to walk and cut her loose is probably the best.
After a few more times of her running you around this maze, you would have grown to resent her, and eventually you'd end up hating her.
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (28 November 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, the sage ends I think. After freaking out because I didn't answer her messages after she ended it, getting back together for the 5th time, her having a jealousy fit that ended when I told her she was the one and 3 weeks of fun, she reverted to the what am i going to do with you thing. So again we ended it a week ago. I noticed that this has happened 5 times in 6 months and always at the same week of the month...go figure. Well thats it for me. If she calls back I will say thx but no. My kids are sad, I'm sure hers are also and this is just to tough. Thank you for your advice all.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (21 November 2009):
The only thing that concerns me is that she's still visiting the online dating site.
That's creepy. If she's got you then what? Is she looking for more options?
Would she feel all comfy if you were on the same online dating site hitting on her and several other women at the same time?
Maybe you ought to set up a new ID, then wink her or send her whatever email or communication, and then see if she bites. If so, play her a bit. Then fill her in on your new plan: keeping your options open too.
Seriously I don't get this, other than she's saying she loves you and is simply leading you on.
I feel bad for you because if she eventually dumps you or starts seeing other people without your knowledge, then what?
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (18 November 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been feeling insecure for the last few days. She has her stuff to do to get her life back on track and is tired at night (so am I) so we havent seen each other monday tuesday wednesday. I didnt call her, she called me. She still visits the online dating site but her best friend told me that what we have is special to her and that she hasnt seen other guys. I want to make plans but she cant seem to. I feel like I cant tell her how I feel because I might come off as to needy or insecure. So I try to act independent, I try to let her come to me and stuff. Its all so conveluded and immature. Maybe I should just let go but then I think I should hang in and let things evolve to a place where she realises that she does in fact love me. She told me she loved me twice but again said that she had made herself a promise to have omph in her next relationship, sort of like love at first sight with the butterflies and all. That seems to be dissipating in favour of her missing me and caring about me. Aquarius is such a weird sign....
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (18 November 2009):
Its one of those things. Maybe she saw what she was losing? Maybe she didn't know what she had?
It could also be she's cake-eating. That is dangling you on the end of a string while going out and having the time of her life.
In either event my friend I would still advise that you should be cautious.
Truth is if she thinks she might lose you, then that's a signal to her that she's going to have to work on earning your love and respect every day; probably for a very long time.
The fact that you stayed out of contact with her, and didn't answer her right away, probably told her that she was hurting you and you were telling her, without any words, that she's probably history.
I think if you want to keep her, then when she starts getting out of line, just cut contact. If she thinks she's losing you again, she'll work on it.
She just wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Not unusual for someone 16 in her head. After all, 16 year old girls love having the universe revolve around them. Why would she be any different?
As I said, tread cautiously. If she could hurt you before, she can hurt you again. Leopards don't change their spots that easily without a new paint job.
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (17 November 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my last post she broke-up with me. She then tried to contact me 3 times and I didn't answer. Finally she got pissed because I wasnt answering her. We met up and it was great. A few days later she had a jealousy fit because I was chatting with her best friend online, she thought I was looking for a backup plan if we didn't work out. I finally sent her flowers with a note saying "you're the one" and from that point on we have been very tight. Its great. I dont get it but things seem to be happening...
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male
reader, Markingbad  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 They allways say they dont want to hurt you when they are hurting you and know they are going to hurt you more.
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (23 October 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my last update, we went out and talked for hours. She said crying that she was afraid of loosing me to another girl and also that she loved me. We have been seeing each other regularly since, went on a weekend trip that was great. She invited me to her friends BDay party, planned kids activities and even organized a Halloween party with her and my friends at my house. She said that she was still scared of hurting me but decided to not focus on the future but to live this relationship. Its still weird to me. Its like every time she gets closer. I still long for her to tell me nice things but its not in her personality. She cooked dinner for me and that was simply amazing...I still want more but am resigned to play this out and see where it goes. Am I a fool?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): She says she is "sixteen in her head". Always listen to what people say about themselves.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
Well pretty much what you've updated here tells me the same thing I saw before. She's regressed to her teenage years. She wants to be popular, a high school drama queen, etc.
I'd say she's still very immature for her age. What you're in love with is youthful vigor that she exudes. But she sounds extremely careless and likely has few real feelings for anyone but herself.
I'd advise tread with caution. As you said, live your life. Party with her if you like. She sounds like a good time. But I would not bet on long-term prospects with someone like this.
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male
reader, kaarde +, writes (7 October 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to mention that shes on 3 dating sites and spends time cruising online. Also she is a huge attention grabber in parties, she flaunts and teases relentlessly, all for fun but I find the bubbly thing is very immature and bizarre.
My family, friends and sister in law all tell me that they are surprised I would go for such a person and that she will only end up hurting me cuz shes not into me.
Also, I cant seem to get her off my mind and it really hurts not having her be mine but those are my issues.
Some friends tell me to let her go and move on, others say give her lots of space, relax live your life and let her come to you.
My head says run, my heart says stay, wait and be patient, let her live what ever she has to live and in the end if she grows out of this phase and really loves me she'll come to me.
I cant seem to leave her and only do things in the hope she will realize how great we are together.
I figure let the door open but live my life so that if in 3 months or 1 year she wants me for real at least we have a connection.
She is the most beautifull women I have ever dated and in the past 4 or 5 months her innerbeauty has captivated me more that her looks.
Am I living in a dream world here!!!!
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Seriously.....you are being used. You are providing moral and emotional support for her while she's going through difficult times. I'm going to be harsh here....... she's separated 3 years but not divorced yet, no job, bankrupt, emotionally unstable. Need I go on? Do you need written proof from her ex about why their marriage broke down, or are you just willing to take her word for it? I bet he doesn't think she's an amazing woman - I bet he thinks she's a drain and a taker. You sound like a nice guy, so find yourself someone worthy of you, someone who isn't spending their life obsessing over themselves and pretending that they're trying to get it together when they're so not. Good luck :)
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (5 October 2009):
Finances, kids and fantasy lives all get in the way of a really good relationship.
She says she's 16 inside, which tells me that she's far too concerned about herself, and perhaps her children to be that into you right now.
However, she doesn't want you to go and she doesn't want to lose you.
Right now, in her mind, the two of you are the king and queen of the prom, but not marriage material yet.
That said, you can continue this way, you can help put her back on her feet enough so she can devote herself to you, and then be into you; or you can tell her you don't want to be exclusive to her and you want to start seeing other women until she decides what she wants.
Its a difficult choice of course because only you know what she's like deep down, well at least you have a better handle on it than anyone on the outside would.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 October 2009):
No, don't start dating another woman. The woman in your life now is clearly wanting to go slow because of her break up. Why don't you sit her down and talk to her about how she feels about the relationship and where she'd like it to go?
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