A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a new work colleague 14 months ago. I noticed her intelligence and quirky sense of humour straight away, although I wasn’t immediately attracted to her. During the passing months I have come to realise she’s such a beautiful person in every way and I’m now totally hooked. She’s constantly in my thoughts morning, noon and night.The only problem is she’s married. I’ve tried to be more distant with her, sometimes even being a little hostile, to try and break the connection but when I see her looking hurt and confused it kills me. I hate hurting her and I feel very guilty afterwards, but I just don’t know what to do. My mood moves from euphoria to a sense of hopelessness day after day. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Im glad you have decided not to get involved, be her friend when she needs to talk, but try not to let chemistry get into the mix. If she picks up on your feelings for her it will only add to her problems.
Take care, I hope you meet the right girl soon x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, I don't think she's happy, but I've come to the conclusion that I must keep my feelings bottled up, hard as that is. It's up to her to sort out her situation. I don't want to contribute to breaking up a marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Hi,
Please do not necessarily assume that every married woman is a happy woman. I have a male colleague who I know would date me if I wasn't married, but I can't bring myself to admit that my marriage is as good as over. If he were to make a move on me, I know it would be exactly what I needed to have the courage to end my marriage and start being happy.
My advice: speak to your colleague and tell her how much you admire her, but that you do not want to impact on her marriage or your friendship. Also explain to her that you find it difficult to be around her without hurting and yearning for a relationship with her. Once she knows, she won't feel hurt when you're hostile, and you'll be there for her if her marriage does come to an end.
Thanks and good luck
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Hi, the fact that she is married means you need to back away from her. If you see her sad, just ask her if she is ok and if she needs to talk, you cannot flirt with her, because the chances are her and her husband are completely happy and it will make things worse if she finds out you want to be with her. I hope i helped, feel free to mail me :) x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Leave this job, take a transfer to another department, another office...but do all you can do to avoid this female. This situation is getting out of hand and it doesn't help that you are now promoting in your head..the hate of yourself..everytime you have to be distant and try to break this connection. She likely considers you a good friend and she's wondering why you are doing this. How much longer can you withstand this? Getting away from her completely will not mend your feelings for her, right away. But..in time it will. You will mend and recover. Good luck and be strong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): You part of the brotherhood? Shes married man! wakeup!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 I'm with Eddie. No matter how good she is, she's taken. Move on.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (24 November 2007):
Hi there, Im going to view you as a guy who oce had a crush on me, Im married and I have children, I liked this guy as a friend but no more, he tried to use the same tactics as you are and it left me feeling confused too.
One day he actually plucked up the courage to tell me he was n love with me, I felt awful for him! What had I done to this poor man?? I had no romantic ideas about him at all, but he was my friend.
I told him in the kindest way possable exactly that, he was very hurt even so, an still persisted for a long time. But then another girl came along and he diverted his attentions oward her, within 6 months they were engaged and now are very happily married with a baby on the way.
I wish he had never told me, because at the time it put a HUGE strain on our friendship and I almost left my job to get away from his stalker like behaviour.
So all the advice I can give you is, Rather than try not to think about her, as that will only make you think about her more, go and find someting else to occupy your time and your mind.
Go on a date with some one, maybe give speed dating a whirl, Just find someone or something else to take your mind off her and you will find it a lot easier to cope.
Please dont tell this woman how you feel, and please do not attempt to take the friendship further, she is married and off limits, and you have t realise that is part of the attraction for you, the whole forbidden fruit thing.
Im glad your trying to find answers to stop thinking of her in this way, its a positive sign that you respect marrages and women in general.
Take care, I hope you find the right woman for you who IS available xxx
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Well it is unfortunate that have fallen in love with her. Probably your feelings are simply fascination admiration, because you dont know her fully and you dont know her in private. But in anycase we have situation. First things first, you need to stop being rude to her. there is no need for that and you can do it.
Second, you can get closer to her as a FRIEND. I am sure you can control your words and actions Cant you. This way may be you will develop a respect towards her privacy familiy and your feelings or fascination will transform into a real respect and friendship. May be on the way you will know about the husband and this may also change your mind. And without ever trying to seduce her (which I dont suppose you'd do) you can continue your friendship and find out her marriage is not ok and you may have a chance then.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 All those things you noticed about her that attracted you, her husband noticed them first. Leave her alone. Have some integrity and respect for what society views as a marriage.
You don't have to hurt her to be strong, just stop flirting. Make an effort to see other women. Don't use your desire as an excuse to stick your nose in her marriage though, it not good. She probably sees you as a friend and can't figure out why you treat her poorly from time to time. Just be decent and move on. Don't get all starry eyed and picture her like some challenge you need to overcome. This isn't the movies, it's real life.
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A
female
reader, AutumnBorn  +, writes (24 November 2007):
It is hopeless, that's why you sometimes feel hopeless. She's married. You don't have to be hostile. You need to realize that you're feeling a chemical reaction, not deep abiding love that comes with time. It'll pass. Give it time.
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