A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married with three children. I have a very demanding job and work long hours. My husband is away abroad for months at a time-sometimes up to six months. He claims it is business related but I feel ignored and used. I have to pay all the bills, sort childcare and look after the children when I am not at work. By the end of the day I feel so exhausted I want to faint. I recently met someone who is clever, funny and really kind. We frequently contact each other but so far it is quite platonic. I've realised I may be falling in love with him and he feels the same way. I am a devout catholic and I should probably end this before it progresses but when i'm with him I feel alive and he makes me feel really special. In short-I love him. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I am trrified that I will succumb because when I am with him there is an overwhelming attraction and I have to fight it. I know that if I so much as kissed him, it wouldn't end there. I am really confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Deal with the husband problems first.
Then act on the other man if you decide to split up with the husband.
Simple.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 And just another thought: perhaps your husband is away on purpose, and he wants the distance between you two to grow until you make the decision to leave him? I don't find it normal that a husband would leave his wife to fend for herself.
Take care, Poster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Dear confused,
We're in the same boat...
I've been married for almost 7 years...
Although my husband is pysically here, it's like I'm by myself. I feel so abandoned and ignored...
I met this guy about 2 years ago. We had a strictly professional relationship, but when this bussiness ended, we started chatting everyday. He made me feel so good; he heard all my crap and my problems with my husband and gave me some advice. He also told me all his story and his unhappy marriage. Our relationship is also platonic...but deeply I want something else. I love my husband, but he spends all the time criticizing me, and lately he implied I'm no longer attracted to me. He never compliments me or never pays attention to what I do or look...I'm tired and confused. I understand you and my head says "try to save your marriage" but I'm so tired of the same crap...!!!!
Follow your heart and try to find some help. Also, talk to your husband, this helps sometimes...with me, helped somewhat. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 November 2007):
Dear Confused Poster, your case is indeed a difficult one.
Entertaining thoughts with this new man would be wrong. Morally, but also in practical terms. Giving in to him would be like lighting a match and letting it fall; you would know how the fire would start, but not how to put it off. So you should restrain yourself not only because of morals, but also because you don't need a worse mess.
We know you're not a cheater. I feel it's unfair of us to tell you not to give in to someone who is there, while at the same time we do nothing about the root of the problem. This would be like a scene in a movie I saw: the Russian soldiers didn't even have bullets, the Germans had tanks and aircrafts. The Russians retreated, of course, and then the Russian general had the colonel shot, because, though he didn't have any bullets, he did have "the sacred duty to resist". We tell you not to listen to this man but we don't do anything about your husband, do we?
I suspect your husband won't be willing to change the way he works. I'm afraid that this might not be just a matter of his deciding to stay near the home. I don't know what kind of a business he is in, but he needs to work; and, since he works on his own, he needs to go wherever he finds business. And he needs to honor the commitments he's made. Perhaps the business abroad is better, and he thinks this is his contribution to the family. Who knows. All the same, his wife should be important, too; and he should be looking at spending more time with you and your children.
I'm a Catholic too, and I understand what you say about this being your cross. I'm also the son of a devout Catholic who divorced and never remarried, for reasons that may be the same you would give. And I live in a region of the world where many a woman has seen herself in your situation. I have seen the full circle. So, I have a little advice for you.
This might be your cross, but, don't just resign yourself to carrying it. Even Jesus had second thoughts about his passion, didn't he? Often, we Catholics tend to see the bad things in life as something we can't do anything about. We resign to our fate, which is the Lord's will, anyways. But this isn't right.
You should have a life of your own as well, and your needs must be looked after, too. Your life can't be reduced to being a mother, a breadwinner and a housekeeper, and only occassionally a woman. You should have a life of your own, too. Considering your age, your children must be still very young, but someday they will grow up and leave you. What will you do, then?
I would suggest that you insist with your husband. Make something noisy; don't just try to be reasonable with him.
If you will severe your ties to the man who is with you, explain to him why you are doing it. If you don't, he might try to continue to see you, and this will be a real problem. It might also make you more willing to get involved with him. If this man is any sensitive, then he will help you with your cross by staying away. And he will always be someone you might count on.
Yet another comment. I'm sure you will do the right thing with this man. But, to be honest, I'm pessimistic about your chances of any changes in your situation with your husband. So, the root of the problem will always be there, and your need for love and affection will come out. A bad man might notice this. So, be careful. I'm sure you will continue to be approached by other men, who might just not be as sensitive and caring as the listener is.
I hope I'm helping you. I wish we had the ability to cast a spell and bring changes to your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks you all. I must admit that I feel rather hurt that there is the insinuation that I do not have integrity. I believe it is my integrity that has kept me faithful for years of this being the situation. My husband is always after one business venture or the other. I have suggested several times that he stay closer to home and concentrate on work here but he doesn't listen to me. I have tried talking to my husband about my feelings but he just brushes me off.In the end I always have to pick up the pieces. I will probably have to severe contact with my friend. It really did feel good to be loved and treated special. It looks like this is my cross and I will just have to carry it for the sake of my children.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 November 2007):
Just a comment. Perhaps the poster has already tried to discuss the subject with her husband. If the poster can tell us that her husband is away "for months at a time", and "up to six months", then this is a problem that has lasted for years. I don't think her giving in to this temptation would be right, but I can also see that there is a human being in need here. This issue is not about "lust", but about a marriage that is not working as it should.
The very fact that the poster wants help on this issue tells us that she is a woman of solid morals. Only she's not made of stone.
I'm not for cheating, dear Poster, and I do think you need to do more than your best to make your marriage work. And, if it doesn't work, I think you should end it before having anyone else. But I certainly sympathize with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Matthew 5:28 (NIV) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.Do not succumb to adultery. Make it your goal to find out what's wrong with your marriage and fix it. Unless is your husband who doesn't want to I mean Is your husband in the military or something like that? Because that's the only logical excuse for his long absences. I really doubt a married man can 'survive' without any 'action' for six months. So if I were you I'd hire a private investigator and find out how is he spending his nights and then decide what to do with your marriage. But don't get caught in the temptation of this new person in your life. Focus on your children and their needs. They must be feeling very neglected already by the absecnce of his father. even if it is because of a job. It is no excuse. Children hurt and develop emotional issues when they have to be brought up in the kind of home you are describing. Don't be surprised when the girl (if you have one) comes pregnant at 13. That's what teenagers do when they are neglected by their parents. They look for comfort in the first low life that gives them attention. I believe you should first try to fix your marriage. It's risky to get into something that will make you look bad before your religion and your children and towards everybody who knows you are married. Your husband might have cheat on you before but to the eyes of everybody you'll be the one who broke the marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): I am seeing, is a hardworking Mom, who is handling everything and getting no 'time to herself'. And to boot, you have a 'phantom' husband out there somewhere, doing his thing. You said, "He claims his trips away are business related" Do you have any reason to think, that his trips away are anything, other than business? If you do, then suspicion is adding to your feelings of confusion and I think you are also very, very lonely. Because of this this, you are prime pickin's for an affair. So when I hear a woman is lonely and that she's falling in 'love' with another man she met recently...there is cause for concern. Because it may not be love, but an emotional crutch, a 'neediness' for attention and validation from a man..any man. And you have to be really careful when you have children, whom you invite in your life and that of your children, eventually. Children quite often pay a 'huge price' down the road for Mom's indiscretions. Proceed with caution when children are involved...always. And you need the courage to work out your vulnerable, confused, needy feelings. Because these feelings are creating like an undertow in your mind. You want to feel validated and loved so bad, that there is a power struggle here against rationality and committment to family and marriage. My suggestion: You need more love, caring and emotional support from your husband. He needs to come home and work close so he can help you keep this family and marriage, up and running in a healthy, intact, loving way. Ask him, or better yet, insist that he come home and do all he can, to be a proper husband and father. Value and honor your marriage but let you husband know..you need him to come home for good. It's time for him to help build this marriage and family.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 November 2007):
As is often the case, I agree with Eddie. I think, however, that there is something to add here.
It seems clear that you don't feel your husband appreciates you or even cares about you. You're fighting it all alone, and then somebody comes who listens to you and does value you. It is wrong to entertain thoughts with this man, but that doesn't mean he is not filling a void.
You should take your time to talk to your husband and make him see how you feel. Perhaps he hasn't realized to what extent he is neglecting you. He should realize, however. Leaving someone for months at a time is a big thing.
I think it will be very difficult for you to give up on this man who listens and values you. But, you know you have to if you want to respect your marriage. You need to think of your children, too. Any decision of yours will have an impact on them.
My heart is with you. Take care and come back if you need us.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Hi there, you need to work out just how much of this is FANTASY, you say you love this guy, I doubt that very much, I think you love the way you feel and the thrill of a possable secret affair. Thats what you loe and I think you know that.
We all have our fantasies, but you HAVE to have a line that you should never cross, you need to work out where that line is, talking about you relationship with your husband, having a laugh, having fun, talking dirty~? Where is your line before you or your husband would consider this an affair?
As to your husband, he works abroad, he probably works away so he can provide for the family he loves so much, its probably torture for him, not seeing yo for months at a time, yet you only think of how hard it is for you.
If you commit this affair, and this guy doesnt stick by you, you will be a single mother, you think your tired now?
In short, talk to your husband, let him know how much you miss him and ask him of there is anyway he could get a job closer to home. Or even if you could travel with him sometimes.
No husband claims to work away, if he does he does, if he doesnt he doesnt.
im not sure I know what you ant the aunts to say here, but My opinion is that you steer clear of this new guy and make a go of your family.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Does he asks you how you manage home kids and yourself during his long absences? No I guess no...His answer to his long absences sound defensive. In any case they are unusually long and I understand he is not a sailor or marine. is he?
You are unhappy by his being away and you feel alone and powerless, sometimes helpless. You are exhausting yourself. And there is not even an occasional sorry, thank you, miss you on the part of your husband.
If you fall in love with someone or sleep with someone or divorce him he should not be surprised. No body will be surprised. You dont need to tolerate this situation. I would tell you, without going through all the 'talk to him explainm how you feel stuff' which I am sure he already knows very well and not ready to listen, Yes you should divorce him choose your love but think carefully what you are going to do with the kids. They are important they should not be victimized.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 To be honest, this sounds like a made up story. Your husband "claims" to be working abroad. He either is or he isn't. That shouldn't be hard to figure out.
Who is the other man? How did you meet? Have you met in person?
Your eyes are open but you have to be honest with yourself. This is not platonic. If you're a devout catholic, talk to your priest, that's what a devout catholic would do. A priest would tell you that you're supposed to focus on the marriage and work out your problems with your husband. Does your husband even have any idea the you're unhappy? Does he know the extent of the problem?
You already cheated on your husband. It's clear that mentally, you've committed adultery. Obviously if you and this other man are aware of the situation, you've talked about it. Then you continue to play the game. When you are aware of something yet you still do it, that is a calculated choice. That is not good.
Your feelings are understandable but that doesn't justify your actions. You need to work on your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Where's your integrity? Your life partner is exhausted and lonely, too. Get some morning help, hire a housekeeper a couple of afternoons a week, and be a woman of honor and pride. And never, ever leave a marriage because you've met someone new who makes you feel good for awhile. Leave because it's irrepairably broken.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Too bad you feel confused. Try to find out if your children can accept the new man in your life. There is no reason as to why you should hang onto your marriage if your husband is not fulfilling his marital obligations. If your husband wanted to be with you, work would be the least of his inhibiting factors. If your children can get along very well with the new guy, don't wait for the cows to come home. JUST MOVE ON.
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A
female
reader, Charley Coles +, writes (24 November 2007):
Look i felt exactly the same way as you. Before i met my recent boyfriend. And ive been with him for 10 months now and i feel like its going to last forever. On the other hand your husband is away not caring for you you may be overwealmed that someone is there for you who cares. If you really feel this way go 4 it. Theres nothing i can really say to that but see how it goes he might be the one man you have really been looking for.
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