A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my common law for 6 years and we have a 5 year old boy. For the last 18 months we have constantly argued over her use of dating and adult related chat room type websites. Just as always, I think we are getting back on the right track and then I find she is still going on them. She gets agitated if I ask about or mention it. She lies, says I am jealous or gets angry if I ask her why she keeps going on them. I have constantly asked her to tell me if there is anything lacking, but she just turns it around as if I'm the one with the problem. I have not any proof she meets men but I really dont know if she has. I dont want to just leave my son. What else can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I am the anonymous female =)
It is not offensive, and I am very rational about relationships.
I had vocally said to my partner I wanted us to reconnect and things like that, and I would dress sexy, cook for him, be there for him, not nag. I tried it all, but HE was not trying.
I just talked to these people, NOTHING sexual... but it was nice to talk to other adults and I found a nice group of activity partners this way.
When I let it go and stopped pestering my boyfriend, HE started pestering me YES PESTERING me about me chatting with people (and they were chat rooms about design, games...you know chaste topics)
See, if I try all in my power to make him happy and he is slacking and not helping me rekindle the relationship, then yes I will dump him. I dont want constant male attention I wanted his attention, not all the time of course. If he or me do not want to try anymore, then we shall separate.
and no karma wont get me because I was not doing anything bad, it is like karma punishing him because he chat with his car forum buddies.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 Leaving a cheating woman does no mean leaving your child.
I'm not sure about common law in your country but here it's actually very rare to be truly common law any more... most states have outlawed it.
See an attorney. If you are truly common law you will need a real divorce. You will need to get that started, you may want to file for custody of the child (be prepared for a huge fight on this one).... if not filing for custody then file for joint legal custody and spell out all visitation and child support issues on paper legally.
It protects you and your relationship with the child. Angry women can be very vindictive if they want especially about children when it's not fair to the kids...
put your ducks in a row and make your exit plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I would wait until the Christmas holiday is over for the sake of your Son. Pack your things and tell her why you are leaving. Do not listen or fall for any on demand tears. Remember she is a liar and she will continue to cheat on you. As far as she is concerned, she is single whether she is with you or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): you should leave her just like everybody else would. she is not being fair to you.
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A
male
reader, SumGuy +, writes (17 December 2012):
All I see it as, is she is a cheat or a potential one. If you dont leave, then there`s a strong possibility she may leave you if someone she views as better is on the other side of her chatroom. She is only with you because she cannot get anyone else. It`s a bit hurtful to hear it but it`s true.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): You will never be happy. Leave her and see a lawyer about access to your son. Nobody wants a slack woman.
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A
male
reader, hyt +, writes (17 December 2012):
There is only 1 way you should look at it. Your woman is no good.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I have to comment on the anonymous females reply to you. You are an equal partner, not a slave to anyones constant need for attention, and its not your sole responsibility to make her feel good. You should not be under the constant threat of your partner seeking outside attention the moment `she` feels you are slacking. Where do you stand in the relationship? Does she care about that? Does it matter how you feel? It doesnt. People like that are not relationship material. It is all about them. Do not let selfish people drag you down.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): If I was in your situation or the partner of the anonymous female, I would dump. No question of that. If her partner is soft in the head, it does not mean you should be.
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A
male
reader, Byron Temple  +, writes (17 December 2012):
To the anonymous female. It is rather offensive to say someone is "pestering" their partner about going online for attention. I dont think you would say the same if the tables turned. Watch out, karma will get you.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (17 December 2012):
Please do not take this as an attack on the anonymous female poster. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship with someone who`s answer to sorting out a need for constant attention, is to go online (or offline) to find it. What happens when she suddenly feels under appreciated again? (whether it`s rightly or wrongly) Go back online again? I am not wearing this. It is one sided and selfish. Her boyfriend is going to end up right where he was if he slackens or gets tired. My advice is to stay away from people like that. You can do far far better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): where there is no respect, there is no real love.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (17 December 2012):
She knows that you are aware of her online cheating (and that`s exactly what it is). I think kc100 has hit the nail on the head. You have only 2 options. I do not know why you would stay so long with someone who respects you so little.
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A
male
reader, Joey Notice +, writes (17 December 2012):
Do not stay in a relationship with someone with so little respect for you. It makes no sense to.
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A
female
reader, N joY +, writes (17 December 2012):
Some women can be like this. The first thing goes wrong or stale and their answer is to seek male attention. You alone will not be able to give her all the attention she needs. It will never be good enough. It is not you, it is her. Leave before she makes your self esteem as low as hers is.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Make no mistake, she is taking the piss out of you. Why? Because you let her. All due respect to blond30s but she is on sites that are geared to one thing only. If this was innocent she would not be getting aggressive, defensive or agitated. She would let you see and include you. I`ll tell you what, go on the same site yourself to chat to girls and see how she reacts to it. I agree with kc 100.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I used to do this too...But it was more out of something I lacked.Attention from males and feeling desired, my long time boyfriend stopped charming me, he stopped trying to woo me and surprise me and things got stale. Sex got stale and monotonous. It was my escape to feel desired, and lusted after by a man.I explained this to him, and he turned it around.We took a trip together , no computers, no blackberries nothing. We rekindled that fire, we drank wine, I relaxed, we hd a nice spa day of massages and just being with each other.At home he started doing nice things for me, he would hold the door for me, cook me dinner, bring me flowers at random. Say how beautiful I was. Grab my bottom when we were out to dinner, and say things tht I looked so delicious he could barely contin himself...Things like that, he gve me all the attention I needed... and he stopped pestereing me about the dating site/ chatEven though I did nothing but just talk, nothing sexual even... I was also lonely because It was a new town.So with him doing this, and us going out often, and me meeting more poeple...well, I had all the male attention and lust I craved, because I stopped logging into the site and closed my profile without him saying a thing.Its a perspective, hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): She gets agitated because she is not good at being put on the spot. She knows she is in the wrong and so do you. You would be better making arrangements for your child and dumping her.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (17 December 2012):
Another dating site/chat room problem. I have been where you are. Unfortunately I began to think that these people on dating sites are a breed of their own. It`s as if they are gambling addicts. I say that because they knowingly gamble their partner and/or family and cannot/will not stop, whatever the cost. Somehow, I think your partner is not going to change. If you walk out she may want you back, but it will still not keep her off dating sites. I think you begin to accept there is a lack of respect for you and walk away. There will come a time when you have had enough.
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A
male
reader, Borderline  +, writes (17 December 2012):
I have been living your life for 6 years. We have a son who is 6 years old. She lies and claims she is single to every guy online and offline. My son is what keeps me going and the reason I stay (well sorta we do not live together but in a relationship). I do not wish this upon anybody. I also have no proof but where there is smoke there is fire and there is also a thing called emotional cheating.
If you find the strenght to leave and you have more rights when it comes to your child then I have over here then leave.
I wish I could.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (17 December 2012):
 If you do not want to leave, then there is nothing else you can do but live with it and accept you are not as important to her as you wish you was. I think eventually it is going to explode.
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A
male
reader, learnNlive +, writes (17 December 2012):
You can do better.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 There isnt anything else you can do I'm afraid, you have tried everything and she is simply incapable of being honest and being faithful to you.
So now you have 2 choices:
1. Put up with it and get on with life, knowing she is talking to other men on a daily basis. Be unhappy for the rest of your life, argue frequently with her and bring up your son in a negative environment where he learns that arguing and lying is the norm in a grown up relationship.
2. Leave her, work out a custody arrangement for access to your son and have a happy future, hopefully with a woman who isnt a patholical liar. Bring up your son in a happy environment where mummy and daddy dont argue.
Ok so being 2 single parents isnt great, and I'm sure you would much prefer you bring up your child as a family unit but if you are arguing so much he will be around so much negativity it will rub off on him. It will give him behavioural problems and it will influence his ability to form relationships when he gets older.
He will be much happier if his parents were single (or with other partners) and happy, rather than together and constantly fighting. He is young enough to get over this relatively easily (its never easy but the younger the better), if you leave it much longer to leave then he will struggle more to come to terms with it.
You cant realistically carry on like this, you have to think about your own happiness as well as your son, they are both important and you cant force yourself to stay just for the sake of the child, it will only end up making it worse in the long run.
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