A
male
age
30-35,
*ultuz
writes:Hi...This is my first post here.. I'm a 21 year old male and I met the girl of my dreams 1 month ago.. However, there are complications.I met her at a ''party'' at my friends house where she was the only girl... I chatted with her for a while and we got along REALLY well. My friend who had ''reserved'' her asked me if I could please back off... I told him I really liked her and if I could get to know her and he said: ''okay, if you bring another girl''.. I tried to find a girl to bring but I couldn't.. So I went out to get a pizza for us and she asked if I needed company.. I told her that I was fine, I'd be only a moment, to respect my friends wishes.However when I come back she's heading into the showers with him and I leave frustrated and angry that she was such a whore.However I couldn't stop myself from finding her on facebook and chatting with her.. It lead to us meeting at my place where she told me she really liked me and wanted to see if we'd work out.. I wasn't that jealous back then about this whole thing so I agreed and we worked out great.However as time passed, this scene has REALLY disturbed me... I'm at the point of insanity and sometimes I can't touch her. Also she lied about it when I first met her and told me that she did NOT sleep with him... Later I found out she lied about how many guys she slept with.. But when I told her today that we needed a break because of this she was DEVASTATED...She really LOVES me and she doesn't want to lose me.. She'd do anything and it hurt to see her in such distress.. She must have cried for 5 straight hours before I left for work (and probably more after).My question is: Will I ever forget about this incident with my friend and the way we met? Has anyone been in such a situation and gotten over it?Thank you.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 September 2011):
Hi. Being honest in the first place if asked, is always the best policy.
The problem with lying, is it destroys trust. And it usually get's proven in time, so why do it in the first place?
And trust is really important in any relationship.
In any case, in a new relationship, it's never wise to ask about past relationships - it's history, gone and forgotten.
Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.
Many times, people who make up stories about other people, do it to try and make themselves look good and that other person (who is not there to defend themselves), look bad. They do it to put themselves in favour with the person they are telling the story to.
Best to live in the present moment - NOW. It's the only time we can live.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Well, it's a good thing it's over, then, isn't it? Aren't you doing a bit too much obsessive thinking over this girl?
Again, if you hang out with guys who "reserve" women for the night, you're going to meet women who allow themselves to be "reserved" for the night. Who you select as your friends says more about you than you might realize. Your friends like casual sex. So will the women who have casual sex with them. That's pretty basic.
Good thing you have your past of wild sex to fall back on as "revenge." Though that's a pretty sad way of thinking.
If you continue on the obsessive thinking, just be aware that RJ seems to have many characteristics of OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which can be helped through therapy and possibly medication. Consult a qualified professional for help with that if needed.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (21 September 2011):
Sadly it looks like this relationship aint meant to be. I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling uncomfortable about this girl sleeping with your friend, and sleeping with someone a few days before starting your relationship - but at the same time, you can't take out your painful feelings on her because nothing no matter how much you're hurting is going to change the past.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (21 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFound out she also lied about a bloke she slept with days before our relationship..My mother likes to think that everyone lies about such things, yet I never lie as I know it causes more damage than repair...What are your opinions on this? Thank you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2011):
One more piece of advice. It's time to find some new friends. If you can't handle dating a girl who's slept with your friends, then don't hang out with guys who "reserve" women at parties and sleep with them. In other words, don't have male whores as friends. That will help keep you from suffering such devastating heartbreak in the future.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 September 2011):
You have done the right thing.
At least now, you can stop tormenting yourself about it, and you can reach a place of peace.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (20 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA fucking tornado of hurt this is....
I broke up with her. I can't take this anymore. My advice to anyone with similar issues break it off right now and stop lying to yourselves that you can live with it and that she is worth it.
I CAN'T BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT I TRY AND I AM SO SORRY.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 September 2011):
Hello. It's possible that the real problem is that she was with him at the party, before you showed up.
He did say something to you like - to back off from trying to be with her.
Keeping that in mind, she wasn't yours to start with - she was kind of with him, wasn't she? Or at least it seems that way.
Then she got talking to you, and you went off to buy some pizzas, and when you got back she was heading for the showers with him. Like she'd forgotten your previous arrangement.
It really seems that night was a big mistake. Yes, you met her and liked her. The fact is that she was probably invited to the party by him, so she was really his date for the night. And somewhere in the middle of it, you two got talking.
When she said she'd wait for you while you went out and bought the pizzas for the two of you, and then decided to go off with him to the showers, she wasn't really considering your feelings at all, was she? It was a bit disrespectful. It's like she completely forgot that she was going to wait for you. He convinced her otherwise, and she never said to him that she was going to wait for you.
It's obvious she said nothing to him about it.
It seems like the timing was all wrong, that's all.
The bottom line is, she was really with him - not you - to begin with wasn't she? She was his date.
It seems it was almost inevitable she was going to sleep with him that night.
Perhaps it is for the best that you have made to choice to end it with her.
I would say that in future, when you know a girl is with someone else, or at least suspect that she is, just don't even go there. Even if the girl starts talking and flirting with you, otherwise you set yourself up for more hurt and pain.
And if it does happen, say it straight out that you wouldn't like someone to do that to you. That you respect your friend too much.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (16 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had some answers that changed my opinion on this matter.I talked to a friend who met a woman and broke it off with her even though he loved her, I'm not sure why he did it, but he spent his entire life looking for a woman exactly like her and never found that woman.My mother also told me that she had experienced RJ herself with a previous partner and that she understood my point of view but that I was seriously tormenting her with my behavior. That nobody sees me as a lesser person and I am not worse a lover or man even though my friend had slept with my girl.. And I have been tormenting her, even though I have begged her several times not to blame herself and that this was a problem that I had to work on and it was directly related to me more than her. I most likely have a wilder sexual past than her and I try to fall back on that ''in spite'', as vengeance is something that helps me out of anything. But of course I do not involve her in that. It's just my personal way to make myself the ''man'' in this relationship and this is only something I THINK ABOUT, I do not take any actions towards her concerning this.I hope one day that I find out that I have slept with one of her friends, because I know it would not bother her all too much, but it would help me greatly and perhaps make this disappear completely. Revenge is my way out of everything. I truly feel better after avenging something bad that has happened. Whoever says that revenge is not a solution is wrong in my opinion, as I have overcome obstacles 10 times the size of this one with revenge. Where all the obsession and hate disappeared instantly.However, I do not plan on cheating or attempting to revenge this as I would ruin the relationship for her, even though it might fix it for me. This is not a one-sided problem. I just hope that I find out that I have slept with someone she knows... I really do.We are currently very happy and I am making great progress of realizing that she is the one I love and I cannot let her past (or our past as we had met, which is the worst part) ruin this.Also I need to realize that I could have had her for myself if I wanted, but I did not know her and I made a mistake as well that night to put her up to a ''test'' that she did not know she was participating in.I hope this ends well.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (15 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdamantine: He already told me and she admit it later.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Wait... you said you saw her go into the showers, and she told you she did not sleep with him. Did anyone else actually witness it happening or did your friend tell you that they did? Because it seems like you're just assuming that she did and conjuring up images in your head of something that may not have even occurred? Its like you're making more pain for yourself than necessary.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (14 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous woman who says I am treating her like a piece of meat:
This couldn't be further from the truth. I treat her with up most respect and I really care about her, which is why I am here to seek help. She didn't just ''fool around'' with my friend... I saw her enter the showers with him and if I had stayed for 30 more minutes I could have heard her moan in the showers and later in the bedroom. If you cannot understand how that burdens a man, you are very ignorant of other peoples feelings.
To everyone else:
I am reading from these answers that this is a major issue and it will NOT just go away with time. It is something I will have to seek therapy and practice for. That is not my desire, to start a relationship on these grounds. Obviously, the only mistake I have made is to grow attached to this girl even though I knew this would become a problem.
I have decided to break up with her for good and keep looking. I am hurting both of us by keeping this up.
If anyone has anything to add to this, you can reply, but please bear in mind that I have done nothing to hurt her and that my feelings for this matter are NORMAL.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (14 September 2011):
We all make mistakes and I bet this girl has told you enough times that if she could change the past, she would.You need to watch out. At the moment she is crying and upset, because, naturally, she wants to be the best for you and she feels like she is not. But if you allow this issue to continue, her tears of heartbreak will slowly turn to anger that you are not accepting her for who she is and you will destroy what you have together.You can't change the past, nothing is going to remove those memories that you have, BUT, you can change the meaning it has, so that it does not affect you to the degree it does now.I'm guessing you're a bit of a "nice" guy and want to meet a girl, who when in a situation as your girlfriend was, will always make the right "moral" decision. People aren't perfect, yes things would have been better for you if she had some kind of sixth-sense and knew you liked her. But really, how was she supposed to know? The truth is, she could have held out for you - only you weren't the "nice" guy and she could have made another mistake by sleeping with you, only to meet another guy in the future who gives her the same hard time you are giving her now.The fact is, and this is where you need to face your own insecurities, she is no less of a girl for what happened. What happened to her and your friend does not define her as a person.If you truely love this girl, what had happened will pass, and your feelings of respect and love for her will overcome the past. But you need to make this happen, by moving on from what happened. If you don't, this will end badly. And what do you think her friends will say, if she tells them about how you are treating her now? They will say: get rid. You'll end up the bad guy in all of this.I am also intriguted that you don't seem to blame your friend for any of this. It seems it is easier to take your hurt out on your girlfriend. Yet, all she seems guilty of, is making a bad choice. Love is not about judging people, it is about acceptance, and knowing the true person behind all of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): You are treating this woman like a piece of meat. You talk about 'reserving' her, like some object in a store. As soon as she follows her own desire with your friend, you call her a 'whore'. That's a disgraceful way to treat anyone. And it's totally, TOTALLY sexist.
The problem is not with her - it's with you. She might have been fooling around with your friend before, but now she's attached to you, and has given you her heart. Only instead of seeing the value of that, you're acting like a wild animal and accusing her of being unfaithful before you guys were even together.
I would tell you to grow up, and start treating her with some respect, but frankly I think she's way, way, WAY better off without you. So I hope you dump her so that she can find someone else who will treat her like a person, not an object.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (14 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm getting 50/50 answers here so I'm not getting much help.
This is not RJ (Retrograde Jealousy) because I am not at all worried about her sexual past.. I am worried about the fact that I witnessed her sleeping with my friend and the fact that she lies.
The only posted who has shared some personal experience is poster #1. I'd like someone to answer who has been in a situation like this and if it ever went away? If this does not go away with time, then I am breaking this up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Nice try Gabrielle, but it's not the OP's fault that he respected his friend's existing arranged date and then she screwed the guy right off. Men who want to stay friends with other men don't just move in on each other's intended dates without permission.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (14 September 2011):
 The question is not so much what she did in the past as it is about whether you think you can get past this.
She obviously did something stupid that, hopefully, she regrets. Try to get past it - she seems to love you and you say you have feelings for her, and that's rare in this world.
On a side note, women are not possessions who can be 'reserved' or 'substituted'. You made YOUR big mistake at that party by treating her as such. I can imagine certain women resenting your 'backing off' and reacting, to hurt you, by doing what she did. Maybe you should never have 'backed off'?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 September 2011):
Hi there. The main issues you are having are trust issues, aren't they?
I guess, who could blame you for that?
Because to you, it seems like she is pretty easy about sleeping with guys she's only just met. So naturally you are wondering if you could ever trust her.
She might be "in love" with you, however she might only think that she loves you right now. It could be too soon for her to know you that well to really be sure, is what I am saying here.
So for that reason, I wouldn't pay too much attention to that, if I were you.
Most men would be having serious doubts about her.
That memory of her and him walking off together, towards the showers, is no doubt tormenting you, big time! I'm not at all surprised!
You are going to have to tell her exactly how you don't feel you can trust her, because of that memory of her and him that you continually have. It must be difficult, I'm sure.
She clearly has no idea of how it worries you.
Unfortunately, you can't change history. What's happened, has happened. You can't change it. So consequently, you have to either accept it - or not. And if not, well then you might have to move on with your life - without her.
However, in saying this, don't make a rash decision to just simply leave her. Not, without talking to her about it first.
The other thing you have to find out about first, is -
(1) Does she still have some connection to this other guy?
(2) Is she still seeing him?
How can you be sure that she is telling you the truth when she says - "No, it's over with him." How would you really know? She has lied to you before, hasn't she? Because you have found that out for yourself.
You do have to keep all those things in mind to get a realistic picture of what is happening in her life.
Trust is really important in any relationship. If it's not there, you will always have problems. If you stayed together, you would worry yourself sick, every time she went out without you - wondering who she was really seeing.
Lack of trust is a HUGE problem. So the sooner you can sort this out with her, and trust that she is being completely honest with you, the better off you'll be.
It's not a short process either. It could take several weeks, or even months.
For you to begin trusting her, she has to be honest and open with you in what she says and what she does. If she says she's going somewhere and with someone, she must be able to prove that to you - without lying about it. Lying is just not on at all.
Gaining trust is a mammoth task, and it's not easy either, believe me. It takes a lot of love and patience and understanding and consideration - on both of your parts.
For you to move forward together, you need to have complete trust in each other. Otherwise, it just won't work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): You won't want to hear this but you need to break up with her. This is NEVER going to stop bothering you and it will hurt worse the more serious you get about her.
The bottom line is you want a girl who would not just casually screw some guy like your friend. That girl is not her.
(to Person12345: Maybe he WOULD call his friend a male whore. You can't just assume every guy always applauds every other guy's slutty behavior.)
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female
reader, OneUnhappyLady +, writes (14 September 2011):
 She obviously liked your friend that night, and barely knew you-you have NO business being jealous. You probably just wanted to have sex with her and now you are looking for reasons to break it off. I feel bad for her, because she has now invested time and emotion in you and you are worried about her sexual past. Just be a man, tell her its not her, your too insecure to deal-break it off now-don't drag her through the dirt any longer.
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male
reader, Cultuz +, writes (14 September 2011):
Cultuz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Person12345. The reason I take it out on her is because we really clicked at that ''party'' and she admitted that she was into me and I showed her tons of signs until I was told to please BACK OFF, so EVERYONE could see it.
I hoped that night that she would just wait for a day so she could meet me alone.. Girls can have sex with anyone they want (the pretty ones anyways) so I hoped that she could stick that night out to be with a guy that she really liked the day after...
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Well she probably lied to you because you are of the opinion that she is a "whore" for having sex with your friend instead of with you. Is your friend a whore as well? She shouldn't have lied, but can you at least understand why? My guess is you would have treated her just as harshly if she had told the truth.
I think it's a little odd that even though it was your friend who made you back off and your friend who was trying to seduce her (and succeeded) and your friend who slept with her even though he knew you were into her, you're taking this out on her. She probably had no idea you were into her. It's not as though you two were dating when this happened.
There are a lot of posts on retrograde jealousy on here, I highly recommend you use the search function at the top right to read through some of the great advice.
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female
reader, supernanny +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Heyy :) Ouchh sounds like such a harsh situation to be in. But to be honest with you DUMP HER! I've been in this sort of situation before and in the long run it's ended up hurting me more than anything. As well as this she has lied about certain things, which may not seem as significant at the beginning of the relationship but if the trust is not built from the start then it's never going to work.I'm sorry to sound so harsh but I think that in the long term it'll give you less heartache then what you would go through otherwise. Although I could be completely wrong... but that's just my interpretation from my own experiences.When I found myself in a similar situation I was absolutely devastated (although I had been with that person for over 1 year and a half when whilst we were on a break he had got together with somebody else) and even after a year I still found that I would generally think about and although I forgave him it would never go away.Hope it helps :) x
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