A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are having a problem seeing things from the same point of view. We've been together for almost two years and I have told her from the start that as long as we have sex and I am sexually satisfied, that we'll be happy and I will treat her well. Well, I've been going through some depression the past year or so and she's tried to stand next to me and move forward together but recently she's just become a real b----. Whenever I get angry with her, I will admit, I am very quick to accuse her of infidelity but then an hour later or so I am over it. She tells me that I have done this too much and she feels like she is worthless and is going crazy, shouting all the time (the past few months), she won't answer my questions anymore because she says they are disrespectful (for example, to ask her if she is cheating on me) after the time she has tried to show me that I am the "love of her life" - so why won't she have sex with me when I want it?She tried to slit her wrists two nights ago but she didn't have a razor or a knife - needless to say, it didn't work. Last night she got home from work and was in her typical sad, morose mood that I am so fed up of and before we went to bed I asked her why she doesn't want to have sex and that the only reason I can think of is that it's because she's having sex with someone else. While I give her credit for not shouting, she said that her mind was exploding and that I make her feel worthless and she does not know what to do anymore because she doesn't "feel safe". What is this "safety" talk about? I know I have been verbally and occasionally physically abusive with her - but only when she shouts because she says I "accuse" her - but sex is different from all that emotional stuff. I just don't understand her. Any advice? Do you think she's sleeping with someone else?
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male
reader, mikebbin  +, writes (22 February 2010):
i think you are really lucky to have found this lady who has stuck with you through your depression and you repay her by being a complete and utter fool, you sound like a really selfish person who takes and does'nt give
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): you are such an asshole.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Sex is about intimacy, and in a committed relationship the intimacy goes even deeper. Intimacy is also about trust and respect. I don't see how you can expect someone to want to be intimate with you when you have not shown her trust or respect. You say that she has stood by you through your depression etc, even at the sake of her own emotional well being. Instead of being grateful, you take your anger and frustration out on her. You can't take that back. I would not sleep with you if I were in her position either - even if I loved you b/c all you have shown is that you come first. You yell at her, you accuse her and then expect her to sleep with you. You have been physically and emotionally abusive, and expect her to have sex with you. The problem is not her, it's you. If you love this woman, then you will seek help. You will stop accusing her of cheating (which is just a manifestation of your own insecurities), and you will grow up and step up. In all this time that she has been there for you and stood by you, what have you done for her except beat her down. All you seem concerned about with regard to her is sex and not her well being. If I was her, not only would I not have sex with you, I would leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Okay, *takes deep breath* I will try to remain calm here and keep my head. First of all, hitting a woman at all, no matter the cause, is your fault for not being able to keep your head. If you must hit something do it to a wall that way YOU will be the one feeling pain. Inflicting it upon her is NOT the answer.
As for changing out of her work clothes both I and my boyfriend change our work clothing every day after work. It's because they are sweaty and gross feeling. The dirty underwear is the same problem. I would NOT want to put on dirty underwear after getting all clean.
Accusing your partner of infedelity is one of the number one reasons for break ups and divorce in the world. You must BOTH treat each other with respect and find a middle ground. You demanding sex from her every fucking night is NOT a middle ground. It sounds like you're making sex the number one object in your relationship bringing it out of balance making both of you unhappy. If you love her, truly love her, no bullshit or pride included then you will wait as long as you must for her to feel better. Her trying to slit her wrist does not mean to go up to her and say "der da der lets have sex, I don't give a shit about your feelings." That's the message you're sending her I mean for crying out loud at least make her dinner or buy her a rose you ass. *takes another deep breath*
To love someone is the main part and reason people date. If you love her then you should both go to a marriage counseler (even if you aren't married) and be truthful with each other.
If you don't love her and just want sex you might as well let her go and be happy and you go and get sex from a prostitute or someone that doesn't want a serious fulfilling relationship. Because you obviously don't seem to want that. In my opinion you seem more likely to be the one cheating on her.
When you keep asking her the same question over and over it is a result of one of two things, your guilt because you might be having ideas of cheating on her or because you are insecure. Either one means you have serious issues.
My boyfriend loves me so much and he is twice the man you will ever be at this point and he's 23. You keep demanding sex without considering her feelings. My boyfriend considers mine and we talk it out and we agreed that until we feel that we're ready we won't have sex. We've been together 5 months going on 6 and he's been wounderful about it. He tried to restrain himself so much for me that I feel it's almost unfair to him. That's how much he is willing to sacrifice for me. Maybe you should take a minute to think over exactly how much you love her if at all and see how much you want for her rather than for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): When you say you accuse her of infidelity but that after an hour you are quick to get over it, you have to realize that she won't be quick to get over it. There is a story about a child who used to get angry and yell at his parents. His father told him to go out and hammer a nail into the fence in the backyard every time he got angry and yelled. Soon the fence had many nails. After a while the child saw how many nails were there and felt sorry for his anger and apologized. The father told him to go remove the nails from the fence. After he did that the father then asked him, "What do you see?" A fence full of many nail holes, the child replied. And the father said, so you see, that an apology takes the nails away, but the holes (the wounds) still remain.
You can apologize to your girlfriend after blowing up, but she is still hurt from your abuse, and she knows that it will happen again, even though you apologize. The others are right that you need to get some therapy, and you really should break up with her so that she can start to heal, too. Do you really want her to kill herself? She is right to say that she is worried about safety. The anger and abuse in this relationship is a danger to both of you - emotionally, physically and legally.
She is not going to want to have sex with somebody who is mean to her and making her feel worthless. If you don't get help/therapy in dealing with your issues, it won't matter even if you find somebody else to go out with - your bad behavior will cause problems in a new relationship, too.
Break up with her and go get some therapy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): I don't care that you aren't getting enough sex.
You are a classic abuser. You are the biggest problem in your own relationship.
For your own sake, get some counseling, you need years of it. You are so mysoginistic and narcissitic I think you are pathological. The only woman who would even consider putting up with you has her own psychological disorder.
You two are like caustic lime on acid you are so toxic for eachother I fear for both your lives.
Split up with her, do it nicely set her free and then go and get yourself some help before you go smelling some other woman's dirty underwear that she has the presence of mind to toss in the laundry hamper before showering.
Do you see how crazy you sound?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): To Eyeswideopen, thank you, but in fact, I do not hide my underwear like she does and I throw it in the hamper whenever we are about to do laundry. She does it right away after her shower and then gets angry at me and has a hissy fit about my lack of trust in her when I go pull them out to make sure she wasn't cheating on me.She saw me doing it in the bathroom one time while she was in the shower and got really angry and started shouting that I am sick - but she's the sick one for getting mad at me for doing it - it just proves that she's doing something.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 October 2009):
 Man are YOU wacked! Who doesn't change out of their work clothes as soon as they get home from work and who doesn't throw their dirty laundry in the hamper before they take a shower? I suppose you throw yours on the bathroom floor and expect her to be fulfilled and satisfied picking them up for you!??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): I am the original poster.
Wow. Thank you for the...responses everyone. I would like to remind you all that she has been shouting at me for the past 5 months or so claiming that it's because she has gone crazy with my accusations.
But she does strange things like change out of her work clothes when she gets home or throw her underwear in the dirty hamper before she showers and gets angry at me for looking at it and says it hurts her - but why would it bother her if she has nothing to hide?
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (28 October 2009):
 for a woman who spend a lot of her time and show her love to her real love one., and the change from the past and even maybe now is shouting, agression makes the feeling of the woman down. I understand her feeling. so either you start to learn how to change the behaviour from agressive to gentleman and soft or she change her mind forever and find another man who will treat her like a queen. woman sometimes like to feel they are the queen of their love ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009):
She is likely cheating and both of you are a mess.
Its time to wrap this thing up and for both of you to move on.
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A
female
reader, AskLadyJuJu +, writes (28 October 2009):
 TALK ABOUT YOU JUST STABBED YOURSELF ON THIS ONE! i think you have all the responses on here that you need! and i want to tell you that i agree with every single one of these responses so if i say something im going to be repeating. PLEASE TAKE THE ADVICE!! analyze yourself before blaming your girlfriend and get help on your mental and physical abuse issues!
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (28 October 2009):
sex is a cycle. it is given when a woman is emotionally fullfilled. it is up to a man to fullfill his woman. I am not sure I blame her for not being interested in sex with you. she doesn't think u care and I might agree with her. unlike the typical guy I am sum1 who needs emotional fullfillment to be involved sexually with a woman. its not just a physical thing. I suggest u start pampering this girl if u really love her and FAST!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): ditto to my other aunts and uncles!!! let her go find some peace. You are the problem! Poor girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): You have a trust issue and quite frankly you are the cause of your own misery at this moment. Stop accusing her of infidelity, you say it only to hurt her, and what use does it have other than make a bad situation worse? If you don't trust her you need to leave her. If you want to be with her than stop with the accusations and start to work on the relationship! And first off TRUST HER.
Besides, when would sex be only about you? It's a two way street, it's not her "job" as a girlfriend to keep you sexually satisfied. Did you ever ask her of SHE's sexually satisfied? Or is it all about you all the time?
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A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (28 October 2009):
 "I asked her why she doesn't want to have sex and that the only reason I can think of is that it's because she's having sex with someone else."
Geez Louise! That's the only reason you can think of? There are soooo many reasons chicks don't want to have sex. Tired? Headache? Menstruating? Depressed? Low sex drive? Pressure to climax? Not to mention the fact that you don't trust her. You are emotionally killing her!
As another poster commented, perhaps you should go your separate ways and sort out your lives by yourself.
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A
female
reader, Shiny Moon  +, writes (28 October 2009):
If she was sleeping wiht some one else then she wud have left u by now. looks like u just need sex from ur girl friend.
Why dont u just show little respect and love to the lady. be with her. dont go straight for sex. just talk and make her feel good.
ur unnecesarily doubting on her. looks like she is not cheating on you but she is down with all ur abusing and doubting her.
may be made her feel worthless and that is the reason she is thinking like that. dont demotivate some one wen u cant motivate them. try to make her happy in this relationship rather then doubting or being so negative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): You really need to read your post again, and think hard about what you're doing to this poor girl
All you think about her cheating. She doesn't want to have sex w/you, because you put her done and make her feel worthless. What is she doing w/you, anyway. Sex ISNOT different from all that emotional stuff. For women it's very much connected. We, women, aren't animals, we feel, and when we feel resentment toward a man we don't want to have sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Here is your question:
"I beat her, yell at her, tell her that she is a whore.
And then want to have sex with her - you know what they call making love...
Why doesn't she want it?"
You know in Japan they sell these rubber dolls that feel like real women. Only the don't mind being yelled at, they never say no to sex, and they don't all this loving. You should get one of those. Seriously.
Do yourself and her and the rest of the women in Italy a favour. Get rid of her - after all, she's not having sex with you.
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (28 October 2009):
 Sorry to say this but, you selfish pig!I try not to be judgmental but you take the biscuit..
...I know 'I have been verbally and occasionally physically abusive with her'...What the hell??? I wouldn't want to have sex with you either, in fact I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you!!!
Maybe apologise to her and then do some major grovelling/making up (that means taking her out and being romantic, maybe even talking through her problems first, not trying to initiate sex!).
She tried to slit her wrists? She sounds depressed (or at the least, very down)...I doubt sex, or any other guy has even crossed her mind.
You need to work out priorities and, if you decide that sex is all you want, perhaps leave this poor girl to salvage some self respect and live her life.
MansonGroupie
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