A
male
age
36-40,
*k06
writes:I'm going to try to be as fair on this question as possible. I'm not going to leave anything out, even things that I did.My girlfriend and I have been together for years. Toward the beginning of the relationship, she posted a picture on one of her profiles that was unclassy to say the least. I told her that it bothered me, so she removed it. A few months later, a similar picture arose... I was again kept calm, and asked her to remove it. She did. A few months later, it again happened. I remained calm, and told her that it bothered me. She has a myspace and a facebook. She removed the pictures from facebook, because I have facebook. The pictures were still on myspace. I completely exploded, which is rare because I never ever get mad. I told her that if this is the way she truly is, and that if she hid it from me... maybe we arent meant to be together. (I know, wrong of me, I was just so mad... everything else in our relationship is bliss... I am blessed to have her.) I told her that the pictures are trashy... I continued to tell her that she is not a trashy person, so therefore she is cutting herself down by posting trashy pictures. She said that she didnt know she posted them on myspace too (she knew, but forgot). I cant honestly say that I believed her... to me it seemed that she didnt think I would see them, so it was okay. I was very angry.I calmed down, and she said never to treat her like that. I said ok, please dont repeatedly do something that hurts me. She refuses to think that she was in the wrong, and that I am just a big jerk.Please honestly tell me if I am wrong.
View related questions:
facebook, myspace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, iAshiee +, writes (29 December 2008):
It's interesting to read posts like this. Most of the time, it's girls complaining that their guy is looking at other woman (yes, I admit, I am one of them, but I only get hurt because of my low self-esteem that I know I need to work on).No offence, but it bugs me... men so willingly look at other woman (naked, half naked, whatever) but once THIER girl posts something, it's suddenly bad? What, can't handle another guy looking at your girlfriend? Have you ever thought that maybe any girl you may have "oogled" in the past could be someones girlfriend as well? (That is, provided, you look at such things).If you have a problem with it, obviously you need to talk to her about it. Trust and communication is important. She can't expect you to just get over it, like you men can't expect us to get over your looking at porn.It's an endless cycle. I suppose you should ask yourself this: why does it upset you? Is it because other guys are looking at her? Are you insecure for any reason?Don't be so quick to tell her off and bitch at her. Just be as calm as you can, even if you are upset.
A
female
reader, babiimegz  +, writes (24 February 2008):
i dont thnk you are..maybe you over reacted a litle but if shes in a relationship then she is being out of order.especially if you have already asked her not to put them up. good luck xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): You can't argue about taste, you consider it trashy, she doesn't. This is a pointless debate.Are you just jealous and insecure yourselfe that you cannot tolerate her showing herself on the net?Would you be okay if she wore a bikini on the beach? Topless?Would you be okay if your girlfriend posted for playboy? Posed for the most celebrated artists of all time? Appeared in an amateur nudie mag?All of this is a matter of taste and obviously her taste is different then yours BUT it would be WRONG to say that either of you are right.In a relationship you must make comprimses but also set limits. Just how far are you willing to go to allow your partner to be their own person. It seems like you want to enforce your values on your girlfriend, this won't work, the best you can hope for is that you can meet somewhere in the middle.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 You cannot argue with a female. If she thinks it is right , it is right. Period! Argue at your own perils.She will know the truth later.
Thats what you get as a result when she don't agree with you. If you object, it means you come from the dinosaur age.
If you insist then you are controlling or manipulating her. Either way , you are always the born loser.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): You haven't done anything at all honey, you shouldn't be feeling guilty. By the sound of it, she's the one that's in the wrong. All her love and passion and desire to show her body should be directed to you, and not on the internet! She should realise this. I can't blame you for getting mad, I don't think anyone in the right mind could really, although try not to - because sometimes for girls it can get scary if your guy turns on you unexpectedly and suddenly.
But really, there's no need to feel bad, as you weren't and still aren't in the wrong. Good luck :]
...............................
A
male
reader, rk06 +, writes (7 February 2008):
rk06 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay, I have one more thing to add.I tried asking her why she would post that kind of picture. She replied that she didnt think it was trashy. After I commented on the fact that I knew she had been trying to show that she is a classy girl, I noted that she couldnt argue with me that the pictures were very unclassy. She agreed. About time.I dont care that others think she is attractive, I get that attention as well. I just want her beauty to be seen the way that it should. She doesnt need to be revealing to be beautiful.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Just wanted to say having been here myself with my EX I agree completely with Richard_EMids.
My gf had a myspace site which she used to put pics of her up and it didn't bother me at all. I was never fussed about myspace. It all seemed more hassle than it was worth.
Then along came facebook few of my friends said they were all on it and I should get myself on there. It was so easy to set up and a great way to keep in touch.
I set up my profile and added my mates (only about 5) and mentioned it to my girlfriend who then got a bit angry about it. I don't know why, I showed her my profile and even put pics up of her as being my gf, put my status as in a relationship. She seemed to think I was going to meet other women on there... Well after a row about that I decided this was too much hassle and deactivated my account.
A few months later when I finished work she wanted me to go straight to hers and pick her up to go back to my place. When I arrived she was on the computer... On facebook no less... She didn't have a profile on there before and I was a little annoyed. She added so many blokes as friends and put pics up of herself wearing just bikini tops and her profile was all very flirty.
Have to say I was annoyed about the whole thing although didn't show it... I was using mine to keep in touch with friends I don't get to see that much... Some have moved far away. There she is flirting with guys online... The fact she hid it from me annoyed me more so. Still I didn't make an issue out of it at all. I simply ignored it.
She was extremely insecure in herself and I don't know why she thought I had women falling at my feet everywhere I went like I was Brad Pitt, but this wasn't the case. I think, looking back, she craved attention to reassure herself she was beautiful/sexy or whatever.
It seemed one rule for her and another for me.
At the end of the day I don't want to be with someone I cannot trust and there were loads of issues with our relationship that simply weren't right. This was just another reason to add to all the others as to why I had to end our relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Hi buddy. Putting promiscuous photos wearing revealing clothing on a website is like advertising. It's saying here is my body, are you interested? She might just as well be on a dating site, because it boils down to the same thing. It's saying ...this is what I look like, you can see I'm ready for sex, and here's how to contact me.
Its like Ileana says, (first answer) some girls like to keep getting outside attention from other guys. Some women are like this to a greater or lesser degree. You've identified the characteristic in her: "this is the way she truly is." That's a fact you have to accept.
The question though is how she deals with this aspect within your relationship, but you have answered that as well, "she hid it from me"..."it seemed that she didnt think I would see them, so it was okay."
She has hidden it because she knows it's wrong within the relationship you two have. But if there is any any doubt in her mind, you have also told her clearly your feelings on several occasions. She has ignored your feelings. That is disrespectful or just plain selfish.
We all have a moral scale. Yours appears to be somewhat higher than hers. Quite a difference in fact. Personally I think thats a big problem in a relationship.
I think you have to return to the question you have already asked, "maybe we arent meant to be together." She doessn't seem as serious as you are. She doesn't show respect. Lies to you. Ignores your requests and carries on till she gets caught. Then turns the issue back on you to say you are being a jerk.
Imagine a lifetime of that type of behaviour.
Good luck, Richard
...............................
A
male
reader, xylplxym +, writes (7 February 2008):
Well obviously you have the right to be upset about it.
It is quite clear you two have different opinions about what is acceptable and what is not. Since she doesn't know what she has done is wrong then you come off as a jerk; I trust you knew this already.
I get that girls like attention especially when it's about their looks but sometimes girls confuse looking good with looking "trashy." And who would blame them; after all they would receive a lot of attention and not even realize it's for a terrible reason. I can't assume thats the reason for her actions but in any case, because she truly doesn't see your point of view fighting and arguing isn't going to do a thing.
Where you are wrong is in how you are dealing with this. Even the way you postd this question seems to hint that you are looking for people to agree with you so you can use that against her. I know you tried to be fair but thats how you come off anyway. It's good that you tried to be reasonable at first. But, and correct me if I am wrong, what I don't see you doing is asking her why she ever took those pictures in the first place. Actually talking about this is more effective than hitting her with reasons why it's inappropriate and demanding that she remove the pictures. Also, (as you might have guessed) telling her to remove them because it bothers you makes you come off as kinda controling. Doing that makes the arguement very one sided; "everything has to be the way I want it to be" mentality. I don't believe that is the case here. I do think that you simply didn't know how to handle this situation and you get fustrated when people don't do the things you ask them to.
Communication is key here, so if you are serious about this relationship you need to use it. It really isn't good enough to tell her to stop because that might actually prevoke her to do it again. You have to ask the question "why did you do this?" Exposing that will hopfully lead to a much more mutual and longer lasting solution. Perhaps it is only an attention issue, I honestly have no idea. In any case good luck. Your relationship can work but you have to be willing to make it work.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Hi,
o.k. I can understand where you are coming from. But some girls do like showing off their assets and wearing bikinis is considered nothing these days. Then again I live on the beach and see girls in bikinis every day. This doesnt take away the fact that you feel uncomfortable , but as the other girls are saying it is her body and she can display it as she wants to. It sure is a tough call though, I would personally have no problem if my wife posted a pic of her in a bikini especially one in black and white as it looks arty, but then again I don't mind other guys perving at my wife as she is hot and she chose me so they can look all they want they aint gonna take her away from me!
...............................
A
male
reader, rk06 +, writes (7 February 2008):
rk06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow I butchered that...
*Deemed AN accident
*she and her promiscuous FRIEND
...............................
A
male
reader, rk06 +, writes (7 February 2008):
rk06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll clarify... I would never strike a woman, ever.
1st picture: Black and white, close up of her kneeling on her in a very small bikini top.
2nd (deemed and accident): Her in a bra
Third: She and her promiscuous posing in incredibly revealing bathing suits.
Fourth: Variation of third.
Its not that I dont think its hot, it just cuts her down as a woman. She is classy, but her pictures dont reflect her. It bothers me, because she is better than at.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (7 February 2008):
Hi,
Just a question mate, what do you mean exactly by trashy? Was she topless or wearing very suggestive clothing? or do you just not like seeing a picture of her being displayed.
...............................
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Well, define 'trashy'. If she's showing some nipples and her ass is hanging out, then I think its trashy. However, if its just your boyfriend possessiveness talking, then make sure it really is trashy by other people's standards before you start yelling at her again. Its her personal myspace. Not yours. Yes, I understand that it bothers you for her to put pictures of herself that you deem to be 'trashy' on myspace. However, is her body yours? Does she have the same authority to tell you that you can't wear something or do something because it bothers her? Yes, you love her but maybe you aren't the right people for each other.
She seems to not be ready for commitment and you seem to want a different sort of girl.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi
Said to never treat her like what again? Did you turn violent? Hopefully not.
If you only verbuly expressed more than once (or twice as it seems) that you dont want your partner posting trashy pictures on web sites, and she has taken offense to that, then no, i dont think you have expressed anything most sensible people wouldn't!
No i wouldn't be happy about it. I would of only given a second chance to the issue though anyway.
No sane person would think its acceptable. Its a complete lack of respect to you as her other half basically!
I would be concerned about why she feels the need to grab other guys attention on the net. Its a very false pointless confidence boost. But after finding it the second time, i would of put it down to an immature person that hasnt yet grown up enough for a serious relationship, lies to me, and cut my losses and eventually found someone that is a tad more grown.
Good luck. I have a feeling yo might need it!
C xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Ileana +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Your not wrong. Your not right either. Honey, a lot of girls everyday accept compliments from their guys and then on their way to work/out have a guy wolf whistle at them at its better than a compliment. She knows you love her but needs that outside attention to feel beautiful. The positive energy then comes home to you.Iileyana.xx
...............................
|
