A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and I've been doing a lot of thinking.I am unsure about how much I love her because when we're away from each other I sometimes miss her, but more often than not end up thinking of all the bad things about her... These are plaguing my mind and making me think that she isn't the one for me.It seems that although from the beginning there have been things that I haven't liked about her and we've been slowly changing them, we have always gotten along well because of the nature of our personalities. I feel very comfortable around her and she already thinks I'm the one but I can't feel the same way.The things I don't like are perhaps shallow (1 annoying feature on her face, the tone of her voice sometimes bores me, she is naturally slightly impolite and non receptive of people's feelings unless they are spelled out for her, she has a lack of knowledge of things) and other things are deeply ingrained into my belief that I want to be with somebody who is "healthier" (isn't short sighted, is more naturally sporty, doesn't have balding issues in the family, or stomach problems) so that our kids will have a better chance of having the same or better healthiness as I do (touchwood).I suppose I just feel like I'm always trying to change her rather than enjoy her for who she is... maybe she'll become that person who we both want her to become, or maybe I've just given her a false hope...If I stayed with her I could be moderately happy forever. If I leave her I may find someone who I'll be extremely happy with or I may return to her after figuring out that she was the one all along...Hope that made some sense and thank you for reading Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (12 April 2011):
The real question you need to ask yourself is if your criteria for a life partner are realistic and fair. People with high standards often sabotage their own happiness. Also I read a lot about what is supposedly wrong with her, yet you only praise yourself. I'm sure you have your own irritating habits and flaws lookswise. Like they say, if you want someone who is perfect, you better bring something to the table as well.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 April 2011):
The real question you need to ask yourself is if your criteria for a life partner are realistic and fair. People with high standards often sabotage their own happiness. Also I read a lot about what is supposedly wrong with her, yet you only praise yourself. I'm sure you have your own irritating habits and flaws lookswise. Like they say, if you want someone who is perfect, you better bring something to the table as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): You obviously don't love this girl, at least not enough to accept her for who she is. I suggest you get over yourself.
"I just don't know if I could breed with her and hence marry her"
Do you realise what a horrible thing that is to say? I'm sure you've got a few flaws but your girlfriend isn't telling you what you need to change about yourself.
"I'd also like to apologise for coming across as a shallow douche bag"
You are one. Sorry, but you need to get over yourself and count yourself lucky this poor girl is with you. A boyfriend isn't supposed to list all his girlfriends flaws and tell her what she needs to do to get rid of them.
I suggest you break up with her and let her be with someone who's mature and loves her for who she is. All you're going to do is damage her self esteem.
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A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (12 April 2011):
leaave you dont love her, my ex tried to change me, what if someone tried to change you? its a selfish way of looking at it no offense but leave its clear that your not in love im in the same situation
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (12 April 2011):
Can you live without her? I think that's the only question you have to ask. If you can live without her, and be happy, then let her go. She's not the one and neither are you. But if the idea of being without her is unimaginable... Then who cares about the little stuff?? Ever watched the intention of lying, with ricky gervais? If you have you'll get my point. If not, watch it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): you GO! simple as that, it's the right thing to do for the both of you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 April 2011):
 It isn't love if you have to change them to in order to love them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): You need to cut her loose so she can find someone that will appreciate her for herself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Stop being a coward. You answered your own question...she isn't the one. Even if you married her you'll always think there was a better one out there and will resent her. And it is not fair to let her think she has found her future husband if you know it isn't true. Tell her you're sorry but you're not ready to settle down.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 April 2011):
 If she's not what you want in a future wife, all the molding, shaping, maybe cosmetic surgery, makeover, attitude adjustment, educating, isn't going to turn her into what you want.
I'm surprised she's still with you despite all these adjustments, she must have extremely low self esteem.
Either accept her at face value, this is who she is, like it or not..or face the fact that she ISN'T the one and DOESN'T have what you want. Good luck in finding what you are seeking.
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A
male
reader, thomas1214  +, writes (11 April 2011):
if i go there will be trouble. if i stay it will be double. so come on let me know.. sorry good song.. okay so at the last part you said if you stay you will be moderately happy but if you leave you may find someone better or go back to her. but what you left out was what if she finds someone else? and you want to get back with her? lol are you trying to breed an army of super soldiers or something? every family has some kind of health issue wether you like it or not. one maybe cancer, another heart stomach whatever. and im sensing a weakness in your gene. its called brick head. thinks they're better then everyone else because their family has no health issues that are genetic.. does anyone in your family smoke? drink? thats also an issue its an addictive personality that is genetic. if your family really has no health issues mental or physical then damn ill be the first one to create a little monster with you... if i had a vagina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Oh dear... I'm in exactly the same situation. I wish I had the perfect answer for you, not least because it'd put me out of my own misery! I guess at the end of the day you have to decide whether the pros of being together outweigh the cons and then take action accordingly. And remember of course that nobody is perfect, so all you can ask of another human being is their own personal best. Well, I hope you get some better advice on here than this :) Good luck with finding a resolution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWould like to add, in order to clarify:We've discussed together ways in which she could 'improve'. But I also know that some things are unchangeable and genetic so it's not her fault.I love spending time with her and making plans for the future. I just don't know if I could breed with her and hence marry her, which is why I'm having doubts when I'm not around her.I'd also like to apologise for coming across as a shallow douche bag but I am a spirited person who wants to put his whole heart into a relationship. Sometimes it feels like this is much more than she expects and based on what she can return to me, I feel a bit short-changed.I've always been a hardworking, sensitive, determined and kind guy who in the past couple of years has been overcoming shyness and social issues. I must say that my current girlfriend has helped with this greatly over the past few months.Sorry again for the information overload
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