A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok let's see... Well a couple months ago I met an awesome person online. Like I've seriously never met anyone like him before... it started out casually talking and over a few weeks we talked more then decided to call each other a couple. Thing is he had a girlfriend at the time but originally told me it wasn't anything serious bc he was going off to school yadda yadda... well one day he ignored me because he was with her, and the next day he said he broke up with her to be with me... he's told me he had other girlfriends and has had sex even gave very descriptive details... well after two months... the other night we were up all night talking and he told me he really hadn't had a gf in 2 yrs since high school and that he felt horrible for lying and then he admitted he was a virgin... he said he was really afraid of what i'd think about him not having had sex or anything with any girl for that matter... he's 20 btw. But now I have really bad trust issues bc one of the main things i loved about him was his honesty... but for him to lie about that for a few months with that much detail... is this really that big of a deal? or should i forgive him and understand he really was afraid? Also one night he pretended he was high even though he really didn't even do anything... lol... is he really that insecure to where he has to make himself seem cooler by smoking and having other sex partners? Please help me I don't know what to do...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Youre welcome doll. My best to you both with everything. I hope this works out for the better and you two end up together! Im here any time for anything if you need me :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ trancedrhythmear
I am sorry you had to go through being depressed etc, I know how that is honestly... and it's a horrible thing. But I know he is too, and I really have tried to be there through it all since we started two months ago.. he already told me he loved me before he let me see the real him... but it feels like he lies about everything! One day he wanted to talk to me and when I said on my way home he claimed he had to go to work and ended up leaving me hanging all day... when the other day when i asked he said no he rly didn't work just wanted to play his game but didn't want me to think he didn't wanna hang out with me so he said he had to work... The lying is just becoming very overwhelming but we talked, I asked him not to lie again and let's focus on the journey ahead of us... and told him I love him and he really is the most amazing person I've met out of my entire life... because it's absolutely true. He makes me so happy...
Anyhow thank you kindly for your words of advice, if you have anymore to share then by all means... you really put me at ease.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ CindyCares
Thank you for your advice/comments. I would like to state I'm actually 24, I just was trying to keep this on the down low so it wouldn't be traced back to me, so I'm not really almost 30 hehe. And this is a guy I care about deeply fyi. But I do appreciate your answer, and thank you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Yes, he IS that insecure. I think it's an age thing. Not all 20 y.o. males will be adult- in fact , from my "mature " perspective, for most of them ... there is really not an incredible change between being 10 and being 20,lol. There are many 5th graders who will say " My dad is a secret agent " to impress their friends- and there are many grown up kids who will try to pass themselves as more experienced and cooler than they are, to impress girls.
Forgivable ? It depends. From my point of view as a mother and a mature woman, yeah forgivable. Poor kid- that makes me want to hug him :). From your point of you of a woman in her late 20s seeking for a partner, heck NO ! Do you want to babysit, or do you want to make love ??
You need a man beside you, not a child . And I am not referring to his chronological age !
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is a very interesting post. I, myself, part of why I left the states was because I was insecure in who I was. Virgin at 24 and didnt do drugs and didnt drink or party. Lame I know, right? I think so too lol thats why i got effin BIG. I also made some rather RARE decisions, mainly sexual,in which I thought society, in general, thought I was a freak. I knew they were good decisions but I received no support for them and over time they did my head in and I had to receive counseling as I was becoming depressed about who I was and how it wasnt good enough for people because I didnt embrace certain "freedoms". I became isolated and afraid. Now, what this guy did was understandable and arguably wrong however. He, too, may feel some of the same things I felt and as a result, he lied to impress you so you wouldnt think he was a loser. He did this not out of who he thought you were as a person, but how society in general views him so thats how he acts. He feels he has to prove himself to be like others so he can be overall accepted.
You need to talk to him that lying is not a good form of communication and will cause problems between you two, like it has here. This is evidence. I feel that once he gets to know you more, he will become more comfortable and your communication will vastly improve. He needs your trust and support for who HE is as a person. Compliment him and give him good feedback about his personality when you see it in action, not just out of the blue. Acknowledge and notice the guy and Im sure he will do the same back to you. This will help put him at ease and over time I feel he could even grow to love you if you accept the guy for who he is, something no woman in the US ever did for me. Best on this.
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