A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24yrs old and getting married in a few months. I love my fiance but i maybe having second thoughts about this wedding. I am so confused, i dont know if i want to get married?!I love going out and partying and i love the attention i get from other guys when I am out, this makes me wonder what else is out there for me.Please help i am so confused and scared as the wedding date is just around the corner....
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female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I have similar thoughts everyone once in a while myself. I am engaged to be married next October. Once it hit me that we were REALLY getting married, I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I too like being hit on, it makes me remember that I am still attractive to other men.
One of my co-workers, who is unmarried but has been with her man for 20+ years now, told me to ask myself a question that may help you. "Do you want to be with anyone else?" Don't look at the short term and how you are feeling at that exact moment when you answer. Look at your relationship as a whole. Have you ever wondered if you were missing out on other opportunities before? If not, it's probably pre-wedding jitters. If you have felt that way before, maybe you need to talk to your man and think about postponing the wedding.
Good luck either way.
A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 everyone gets doubts but you need to go with your gut feeling.lets face it if your in a relationship but go out for a night on your own with the girls your going to like the attention that other men give you as it kind of makes you feel good that other men find you attractive but doesnt necessarily mean your going to act on it.you need to seriously consider whether you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man and never being with anyone else i mean your still young only you can make this decision
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): Hon, people are going to tell you that if you have doubts about marrying then it's wrong. Maybe they're right, or at least they were right in their own circumstance.
I read your question and I did think that maybe you weren't quite ready to commit, that you were really still having too much fun being single. And maybe that's the case, and that you should call off the marriage.
On the other hand, you are on the cusp. You've been out partying, having fun, sowing your wild oats. That's going to get old at some point -- maybe in 5 years, maybe in five months, but sometime. You're in love with a guy, in love enough that you decided to commit. Are you just freaked out about the idea of marriage? The kind of 'holy crap, life's over' thing? Ya, marriage changes things. Not always in a good way, but definitely not always in a bad way.
I stood in front of a mailbox for maybe half an hour with the wedding invitations in my hand. In my mind putting those hundred letters in the box was the commitment, the end of my life as I'd known it, the end of freedom ... you get the idea. It was my last chance to change my mind. Everything you're asking yourself went through my head. In the end I knew that changing my mind about getting married meant that the girl I'd been dating for four years would be gone forever. And that she was a great girl and worth taking the chance.
That was 22 years ago, and I'm not sorry that I mailed the invitations. Ya, there were regrets, the "for better and for worse" stuff is definitely for real. But I'd have let a really great catch go, and the "freedom" I'd have got in return wouldn't have been worth it.
That you're scared about getting married tells me that you take it seriously, God bless you. Whether it's now or later it's still gonna be a leap of faith.
Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 You are not ready to get married.
There is nothing wrong per se with partying and loving male attention, but they sure aren't the first priority or interest of a married woman.
It's not that when you get married you force yourself to give up flirting with the local hotties, it's that ( hopefully ) when you get married you don't give a fig anymore about flirting with the local hotties.
It sounds you are far from this last psychological stage yet.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Take some time for yourself. I want you to first deeply image and feel the emotions of your life with your fiance. Now I want you to do the same and imagine your life without him. That should give you your answer.
Remember this, "Never leave someone you love, for someone you like, because someone you like will leave you for someone they love."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): i doubt you are ready to get married. And i doubt that your first loyalty is to the relationship. Instead your first loyalty is to your own fun and how much attention you can get. When you truly care for and love someone the sexual interest and attention of another person is unwelcome. The loyalty to the one you love is to the fore at all times. You trust them to share every concern. Every happiness. You are Team One together. You go forward with a plan for your future together and you stick to it. You have more wholesome goals than endless drinking and clubbing. You dont have secrets. You have agreed goals. You share ideals. You agree on how to budget and handle money. You agree on parenting styles. A very good friend asked me this same question 5 years ago. At the time i said 'if you have to ask that is already telling you something. No one else can answer this question, only you,' and the response was, 'that's what my brothers said too'. The marriage went ahead. It was a wildly extravagant marriage. Yet even on the wedding day one could see the disconnection between the two. It was disaster from day one. They filed for divorce as soon as legally able. It caused a lot of pain but both have moved on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): You better tell him you dont want to get married as soon as possible,dont waste his time and money and effort.You shouldve told him in the first place you dont want to,instead of saying yes to his proposal.Going clubbing and absorbing guys attention,& wondering whats out there,shows you not marriage material,you should be absolutely sure this is the person you want to spend your life with,clearly you are not sure.Let him know.Dont expect a happy ending
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 This may just be fear, after all, a wedding is a big ceremony. But, if you truly feel as though you are not ready for marriage then you have to tell your fiance, or else everyone is going to get hurt later on.
Spend some time by yourself to see whether or not there really is more for you before marriage. Just do not pull yourself into marriage before you know for sure that you are ready.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): You should listen to your instincts because they are telling you that you're not ready. Marriage is not the sort of thing you should enter into if you have even the slightest doubt. If you wait, you can always get married later but once you take that step you change the path of your life in a way that you won't be able to fully appreciate until you've been married.
Don't get married until you can't imagine your life with anyone else. Don't get married until you've met someone who you can love, respect and admire - someone who you know feels the same way about you. Don't get married until he is the only man whose attention you need because he means that much to you. Don't get married until you are completely ready to commit yourself to making someone else happy.
You clearly aren't ready to be married yet and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is going through with it when you have doubts. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. This is his life, his future. Think about how you'd feel in a year if he wanted a divorce and then you found out he had doubts from the beginning. You would probably feel blindsided and betrayed because he didn't warn you. Don't do to him anything you wouldn't want done to you.
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