A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out my boyfriend had a fling with a girl on holiday not long after we started going out. We had been together for a couple of months, and we were still in the early stages of our relationship.We have been together for 3 years, last year we got a house together, we had just began looking at getting married and thinking about starting a family. I feel like I can't go on with him until I know everything but he wont tell me. I've explained that I cant go forward with this relationship until I know exactly what happened. The 3 of his friends who went on this holiday are also refusing to tell me anything, and just keep saying to ask him. One of the lads has said I shouldn't take him back if he doesn't tell me what I need to know, but he also wont tell me anything!I feel like I need to know such things like did they have full sex, did they use protection, how did they meet, did she know he had a girlfriend, why didn't he tell me sooner, and did they stay in touch after they came home. I know her name, and I cant find anyone with her name on his social media accounts that I don't know but I mean at the beginning. I feel like I could forgive him if I know what happened, but I know I cant if I don't.He told me after I found a old picture of him and this girl, with her sat on his knee. I asked him who she was, and he got mad and ripped the photo up and told me she was just an ex. But I knew all his exs, so I kept asking him, as I knew something wasn't right. He finally told me when I told him I knew the photo was taken on his lads holiday. I'm not sure it has actually sank in yet, but I've spoken to my best friend about it, and she thinks that the more I know, the madder I'd become and not to ask anything other then about the protection, or go get tested myself. I don't know why, but I don't think it would be enough. I have always needed answers and I don't think I can even begin to get over this before he opens up. I'm 99% sure I will stay with him before of the relationship we have now, and the fact he has made so many changes for me, moving back to my hometown, changing jobs, stopping smoking, getting a mortgage, I know it's not just for me but he wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for me. He says meeting me made him grow up.Is it wrong to want to know these things? Will it give me what I want, or do I listen to my best friend who knows me better then anyone or listen to my heart and risk heartbreak?
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male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (20 July 2016):
 I am going to break from the consensus a bit. Yes, to know further details would be torturing yourself objectively and on that level, no you dont need to know nor should you BUT I on the other hand I am not sure there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' answer here on the grounds that sometimes it is right to say the traumatised should own their own treatment. I am also inclined to say that your bfs friend may have a point because your bf owes you big style and he needs to show he has respect for your feelings. What I will say - in line with the other people who have responded - I will say be entirely sure this is what you want and you need to seriously consider the possibility that it wont help, you are torturing yourself by wanting this and therefore its not a good idea. However, if after thinking long and hard about that you still want this then yes you should push for it. What maybe the case is you want to and need to understand why your bf did this to establish if you can trust him. So, you may be projecting that need onto wanting to know the details. This being the case you need to sit down and have it out with him. Either way this is going to take alot of work but it can be done. Good luck :)
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 July 2016):
While I agree with the others that the details won't help you, I also think that you should push him for answers. Mainly because it will show you whether he respects you enough to actually do what you've asked of him. The way I see it, he should be doing everything in his power to make this up to you and help you work through it. Instead, he's trying to brush it under the carpet.
Honestly OP, I think he knows you will take him back regardless so he isn't going to incriminate himself further by giving you any details. That to me shows a complete lack of respect. Tell him you will leave unless he tells you what happened, then actually stick to it. Personally I'd leave him either way, but if you choose to stay after he's told you at least you'll have proved you're not a complete pushover.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Please, please, please don't torture yourself with thinking if you 'know', all will be better. Trust me it wont. Either way you will punish yourself for his behaviour. Not knowing, will drive you crazy with trying to piece it all together all the while getting angrier with his silence. Knowing will, have visions of them having sex etc like a movie loop in your head and that will hurt like a bitch regardless that it happened a few years back. The very fact he 'chose' to lie again to your face in order to cover his arse, and I say his arse not because it's to protect your hurt, about explaining the photo suggest rather strongly that you will never get the truth anyway. It will be watered down version into something trivial. One thing I will suggest is to stop asking his mates. He needs to be accountable and it's not fair to them. Personally, cheating for me, is not about the sex. Well it is but thats not what cuts so deep. It is more to do with finding out that the one you love and trust has made a fool out of you each and every day the have kept it from you. Try as you may but I doubt very much if this is something you will be able to feel like you are able to forgive and forget. I bet my left arm if you stay, and things go as you planned, it will pop into your head on your wedding day. One positive is that you are not yet married and have kids. Otherwise you may feel anchored and obligated to stay. This is a get out of jail free card IMHO. Take the STI test would be my advice as well a kicking his deceitful and trustworthy arse to the curb.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 I agree with Anonymous 123.
You already know all you need to know : he cheated.
Now, does it really make such a big difference if there actually was intercourse ? Which is quite probable, btw, seeing the big mysterious deal his friends are making about it, but really, it's not that important, the cheating intent also counts.
What if they had not had "full sex " ... because she was on her period, or because they did not have a place to go and do the deed, etc. etc. ? Would it make it better to you, just because he did not get to do x and y, but " only " w and z ? Why ?
Cheating is cheating, regardless of what body parts are involved- he cheated. That's the core of the thing .
Now, if you want to play it like " well, boys will be boys " or " we were not a solid, stable couple yet " or
" everybody deserves a second chance " ... rather than
" immediate, total dealbreaker- kick him to the curb " , that's totally up to you , according to your personality, tolerance level and relationship standards, and I cannot even say that one approach is always, necessarily better than the other.
But, make no mistakes : he cheated, and did NOT come clean after. That's all the " details " you will ever need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): OP of course you need to know. I think you woont trust him or what happened until he is straight with you. If he is not man enough to open up and be honest with you now you will always feel he has yhe ability to hide things and cannot take responsibility for his actions.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 July 2016):
 OP I understand the need to want to know things but believe me, it won't make things any better for you. If anything, it'll just make things 10000 times worse. Like for instance, you're crossing the road and there's been a terrible accident there and someone's lying there badly wounded... You know that looking at them won't make things any better for them or for you, but you still have an incredible urge to see what's happened. What's the outcome of this? You have a terrible sight meet your eyes and it'll be something you possibly can never forget. That's exactly what will happen if you know the details of the fling.
You know he had a fling. Assume that he had sex. That's enough information for you to go along. Now decide, what do you want to do? Irrespective of whether or not they used protection, the fact of the matter is that they most probably had sex. Even if they didn't, it was an affair for sure and he cheated on you.
The decision is up to you now.
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