A
female
age
51-59,
*ae1031
writes:I have been dating a guy for a month and 1/2 who told me right from the start he is bipolar. At least once a week he will do something such as make plans with me and then just go off with somebody else and not even call me to let me know. He will just blow me off and then he will come up with some reason to justify his actions like "look I need time with my friends too" in a way that sounds like I tried to make him not have time with his friends when it was me he broke plans with. Anyway, I kind of learned to deal with that and when we got a long he treated better then any guy I've ever been with and I never wanted it to end.This past week he told me that I should stay at his place on Friday night and we should spend the whole day together on Saturday since it was the first day that neither one of us had our children or anything to do. I was looking so forward to this. Friday night was great. He was very affectionate with me which is rare and everything was perfect. Saturday morning we woke up and while we were getting ready we got into a conversation about an upcoming trip he is taking with his ex and his son. The trip was pre-planed and I have known about it the entire time we have been seeing each other. It is a 3 day trip that they are taking for a sporting event that his son is in. I had no issue with it at all, but on Saturday morning when he brought it up, I did ask about the sleeping arrangements. He just said it is a condo. His ex and his son will have one room and he will have the other. After that he said that he might not even go. He might just take me and go visit an aunt of his that is not doing very well. After that conversation, we went on with our day. We went back to my house and he cut my grass while I cleaned up. After that he said that he needed to go cut his own grass and do some stuff, but he would be back at 2:30 since my phone was broke and he couldn't call. He did not return at 2:30 so I waited until 5;30 and went over his house. At first his bedroom light was on and his truck was there, but he didn't answer the door. I thought he may have fallen asleep so I left and came back 1/2 an hour later. This time, his lights were out and his truck was gone. I just waited because I know he never goes too far. After a few moments, he came back with the next door neighbor in his truck. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and my boyfriend has been talking about her a lot. Kind of overly concerned about her in a way. She got out of the truck, waved and kept walking. He walked up to my car and got defensive right away. He stood with his arms open as to say, what is your problem. Like I did something wrong just for being there. I opened my door and said seriously? He was running around with the girl next door when he was supposed to be with me. Anyway he said "oh here we go" as if I was going to start a fight with him, but he had no reason to think that. He has let me down a lot and I have never even raised my voice to him. Anyway, asked him if I could come in and he just said no and walked away. The whole situation seemed suspicious and I wanted to know what was going on (mainly because the girl he was with likes to date guys that are in and out of prison and I was worried if he was sleeping with me and her at the same time). I do doubt it because we had sex the night before and he has the sex drive of an eggshell, but I still needed to make sure for health reasons. Since he wouldn't talk to me, I knocked on her door.thinking I would get an answer. She came out with her phone in her had and was just as defensive as him, but said she wasn't sleeping with him. He came right back out of his house and I realized that they were on the phone together. Anyway he said that I'm crazy for knocking on her door and he basically broke up with me over this. The next day he sent me a text insisting that I told him I didn't want him to go on his trip with his son, which was not true and that I just went too far when I knocked on the neighbors door. I texted him back trying to clarify that I never said not to go on the trip and it was his own strange behavior that caused me to knock on her door. We have not spoken since. He did call one time, but I did not answer and he didn't leave a message so I don't know what he was calling about. My questions are: Does he really not realize he was wrong to take off without coming over my house like he was supposed to? Did he make up the lie about me not wanting him to take his trip just to justify his own bad behavior? Does he actually believe this lie? If he thinks I am crazy for knocking on the neighbor's door but on all other counts I have treated him and his children great, will he still call me back? This all happened this past Saturday, so its only been 3 days. Is this happening because he is bipolar? Will he snap out of this phase and remember how happy we were or is it just over? We were extremely happy and I really think he was trying to tell me he loved me on Friday night and I am pretty sure I was falling in love with him. I now know we can make this work if he agrees to go back on his meds and stay on them, but I cant make it work if he is never going to call me again because he thinks I'm crazy for knocking on the neighbor's door and he is believing his own lies that I didn't want him to take the trip with his son. What should I do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 Okay, I think that your destiny is made by yourself. To some extent, I do think there's a "the one" (or maybe more than one "the one") for each person, but I also know all of those "the ones" are compatible with their "the one", but you and this guy have had nothing but issues.Give him a few weeks. Then ask him out for coffee. I just hope you don't waste your life if it continues the way it has or if he doesn't want to try again.Please don't look into moving in together until you've been with him for at least a year with no more than average problems - which, by the way, is about ? or so of what you've already had in 6 weeks.Good luck, OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): Is he medicated and caring for his bipolar? It runs in my family and I think you should avoid him if he isn't getting treatment, bipolar can be extremely difficult for the sufferer and their loved ones.
If you're going to stay with him no matter what, written in the stars etc, I think you should apologize to his neighbour, you went storming up to her door, metaphorical guns blazing, it was really the neighbor who deserved the apology there, rather than the bf.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 Yes we can see you are hellbent in having him back... but when you are "hellbent" on something, often it's the devil who made you do it :)
The good news ... is the same as the bad news, i.e. I don't think either you have seen the last of him.
I guess he just was flexing muscle , showing you that you need not to forget who is the boss. HE can come and go as he pleases, you just have to fit in somehow without bothering him.
Probably, though, in a few days his anger will boil down... and he will ALSO realize that he can't afford letting you go, you are too convenient. I mean, the guy has more issues than Carter has liver pills, I don't think there are women's queuing around the block for him. Plus, honestly there would not be so many women available to take the moodiness, rudeness and indifference he doles out . He may say " relationship ", but he DOES casual, and that's an unappealing combination for your average mentally and chronologically mature woman who wants to know what's what .
Most women would want to be sure if they are doing
" relationship ", or just " hanging out ". They would not necessarily turn the second down,- as long as everybody knows where they stand and things are done with mutual respect, which lacks in your case.
So, unless he chances into someone who is even more of a glutton for punishment than you are..., I predict he will take the easy way and pop up again.
That sounds like good news to you in the short term, but it's going to turn into bad news not much later, I am afraid.
You are in for a rude awakening. You are living in a dreamland where people are " just destined " ( by some fairy godmother ? ) to be together regardless of objective incompatibilities and different emotional needs, where promises count more than deeds, where a healthy , happy relationship can be carried on in lack of trust and respect ( hint : no way ! ) and where people plan living together after six weeks !, six weeks filled with conflict , let downs, and melt downs.
The perfect setting for a bad crash Landing, so all I can say is ...good luck.
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A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (21 July 2016):
Rae1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was not stalking him. I regret going over because of the outcome. There has been many, many times where I wanted to see him and with him being so close by, it would always be easy to just hop in the car and swing by, but I would never and have never done it without an invitation. On this day, my phone was broke and I couldnt call. I didnt go over there expecting to see or find anything except him either sleeping or hanging out with one of his guy friends. Even finding him with the neighbor does not make me think he was doing anything wrong. Not in hind sight anyway. We have been dating for 1 1/2 months. There is a history though and I have known for a very long time that we would be together one day. Sometimes you just know, and I just dont feel like its over. I am 45 and I never ever just clicked with anybody like I did him. Not my kids father and not my husband. There is something there and I am hell bent on getting it back. Thank you all for the advice. It was important for me to understand how others view what I did as being very wrong because in my mind it was a mistake, but not all that bad. Now I understand why he viewed things the way he did. I am also hopeful that with some time and space that maybe things can be better. Thank you all again.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (20 July 2016):
I'm not sure about the giving you advise to turn it around thing as to be honest seeing someone for six weeks and this extra info about looking at houses together etc and listing his problems and behaviours you have to 'work on'... Six weeks? And I don't think going over there to stalk him the way you did is the same as picking up a phone as the motivation was totally different.
I personally think you are fooling yourself here that your relationship will be anything other than him driving you nuts and vise versa.
If you ate intent on trying, you need to give him space and time to calm and think. And I mean like a few weeks here. Then if you see him at the school you could nod or smile an acknowledgment. Then maybe pop a gentle text - short but friendly - playing on a nice memory you shared, say something reminded you of when you did whatever or went wherever, and it made you smile and hope hes well. Its a fishing expedition basically to see if hes warm to your communication. But this has to be a couple of weeks away, not now. You've clearly done the whole apologising thing etc and any kind of repeat performance may just push him away further.
But honestly six weeks, its no biggy, and with the issues you describe this early on.... Well you'll do what you want and you seem hell bent on pursuing
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
By looking at houses, you don't mean to move in together, do you?
Why are you so attached after such a terribly short time? It's not a good idea and it's not particularly healthy because you're ignoring obvious signs that this isn't meant to work out; there shouldn't be this many issues yet.
Anyway, if you're desperate to give it a shot, wait until you bump into him and ask him out for coffee. Do not beg him to reconsider; if he doesn't accept your date request, it's time to move on.
Good luck, OP.
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A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (20 July 2016):
Rae1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I do understand and appreciate what everyone is saying here. I made mistakes - that day. I think that is what is so unbelievable to me. It was one bad day. He has had many and I have been easy going enough to let it go and move one. He was not perfect and I weighed the pros and cons and decided that we only just begun and things were actually progressing. He was becoming more affectionate and opening up to me more and more about his feelings. While this was happening, he also seemed to be becoming more and more respectful of mine. For all I know he feel asleep that day and was on the way over when the neighbor asked him for a ride. He couldnt call because my phone wasnt working and when I got it to work again I saw he did actually try to call one time prior to the time I came over. If he had been with that girl all day, he would not have called at all. I know that. I am not crazy. It was just extremely confusing to me the way he would be so into me one minute and on occasion seem to forget about me all together. I am not used to being confused like that and I just wanted to understand. I went about all wrong. I let my emotions get the best of me and I acted in a way that is unacceptable. I get that. The thing is, up until that one moment in time, all was good from his point of view and I was willing to deal with whatever behaviors needed to be worked on from him. With all of that aside, my real question is, does anybody think there is anyway this will resume in the future. I still want this to work and now I know what not to do. I just dont know what to do. I forget to add in that we live exactly a 2 minute drive from each other if that, so my going over there that day would be about the same as picking up the phone if my phone wasnt broke and since our children go to school together, the chances of us seeing each other again are pretty high. Again, I know I made mistakes, so please dont keep telling me I was wrong - I know. If anybody can tell me what I need to do or say when the day comes that we meet again (or sooner) to get him to want to give this another try as badly as I do, please give me advice on that. Please also consider that he is bipolar and probably has a few other issues from a head injury. His issues are not going go away and I am willing to deal with them. Is there any possibility that he is being so harsh on me just because he is having a lot of outside stress and will look at the big picture and reconsider when his own stress passes? He was talking campers, family trips and even looking at houses with me since we currently both pay rent. He was serious enough to say just last week that he knows he needs to do a better job at communicating with me because we need each other. If anybody can give me some positive feedback on how to turn this thing around, please chime in. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
I don't think he's ready for a relationship. He needs his meds, but ditching you shouldn't be a weekly thing.
However, you need to realise that you going to his place was also inappropriate and unnecessary. If he didn't come back, you just leave it or call him and leave it, if he doesn't pick up.
You have made more than just one mistake. You do that in another relationship, it'll become obsessive. It's not healthy to do that.
His behaviour is also toxic to a relationship, so you're just incompatible.
Let go of this guy and learn from your mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (20 July 2016):
Rae1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get that knocking on the door was wrong. I have since apologized to him for me behavior in doing that. And yes, his unpredictable behavior should have been a red flag for me right from the start, I get that too. I just didn't show much of the other side in my post. We we spent time together it was great, better then any guy I've ever been with. He did introduce me to people as his girlfriend, he did bring me around his family and friends, he did call me all day just to say hi and see how my day was going, he did make future plans with me. In other words, he gave me every indication that he viewed us as being in a relationship together and there was no pushing from me. I guess I just didnt understand the back and fourth. He was there 100% one minute and completely disconnected the next. I was always there 100% and very easy going about his mistakes. I just dont see how one mistake I made could end everything so easily.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 July 2016):
If I were you I would not bother with dissecting and analyzing the whys and hows. This thing is SO dead in the water- and, for your own sanity and self esteem- such it should stay.
OP - excuse me ? really can't you see anything wrong in the picture of a guy whom you are supposedly dating , and who stood you up faithfully at least once a week without even a " sorry something come up " ? What are/ were you trying to do, break the record for most stood up and disrespected woman of USA ? Do they give a prize for that, ... a golden plated doormat ??
Yeah yeah he is bipolar. I love the current fad to blame being a jerk and acting rude on real or imaginary mental health issues. So what if he is bipolar ? Bipolar does not mean psychotic, or that he has lost touch with reality, or that he does not understand what's the time of the day or the day of the week. Bipolar people may have a problem with impulse control in certain situations, under some specific triggers , that's what may incline them to drinking binges or wild spending sprees or bouts of unbridled rage or whatnot- but they are perfectly wiling an able to show up at 3 pm if their dentist / hair salon / gym trainer said 3 pm.
So, to answer your first question, yes he knows his behaviour is wrong, and he does not give a fuck. It could be that if he goes back on meds he may act a little less unpredictable, less impulsive.... still, don't think you'll see any miracle , because there's no cure and no meds for acute idontgiveafuckitis.
That he acts wrong or weird does not mean that you have to follow his example, though ! Whatever ails him his not infective, it does not mean you have to act kookoo yourself. Knocking at the door of this unknown neighbour was unwarranted, unacceptable and over the top- and now HE òabels you as a bunnyboiler, which may be ironic coming from a guy with his own mental issues, but well, let's say it must not have been your most shining moment.
As for the 2nd question, maybe is sort of linked to your suspicious , controlling behaviour, I would not exclude it. I mean, yes he is putting into your mouth words that you did not say in order to make it all your fault and win his point- BUT, remember that you do not have to actually say things to convey disapproval, dismay, displeasure etc. The very fact that you asked about the sleeping arrangements ... come on, that was not just polite conversation, that was you being anxios and suspicious about this trip with the ex. From all what you said, it shows that you have trust issues and you are trying ( without much success ) to monitor his conduct. And note I am not saying that you must be wrong and he is absolutely trustworhy- I have no clue about that . Anyway, whether he NEEDS to be monitored because actually likely to stray, or not- the fact that you are anxious and suspicious about what he might do comes out clearly, so it may have come out also when discussing this family trip- even if you never said " don't go ".
What should you do ? I doubt you'll do it, - but you should just wake up and smell the coffee , and realize that YOU are telling lies to yourself, and that happiness cannot be chasing after someone who shows you less consideration than to the dirt under his nails.
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (20 July 2016):
OP, I had to go back to the start of the post here to clarify how long you have been seeing this guy, as all this has happened in just six weeks? My honest opinion is its not going anywhere.
I say this because you have described a lot of negative thoughts and actions on both your parts, that the relationship is way too early in its foundation stage to be taking. I'm afraid this will be the tone of your relationship, and if these things were new and out of character to a longer relationship then it may be different. But they are not. Six weeks in and you say he's disappearing once a week when he's made plans with you? This should be your golden period where you can't get enough of each other.
You going to his house to monitor what's happening? Gathering information as to his whereabouts and then returning, then confronting him and knocking for answers in the neighbours door... Six weeks in? No, no, no OP.
This isn't healthy, any of it. I don't think his bi polar has anything to do with it. You sound very full on and insecure and suspicious. Now I'm not saying him making plans with you then thing off and find something different is ok, it isn't at all. And I get how you turning up and seeing he's been with this neighbour when he's made arrangements with you is ok because again it isn't. But you monitoring him and going to her house to quiz her- hes likely thought six weeks in this is all too much.
You describe the relationship as happy at the end of the mail. It doesn't sound that this is the case really, six weeks and all this plus weekly fobbing off from him... It doesn't sound to me like this is healthy from any perspective.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
Don't fall so fast for anyone, OP; you barely know the guy and haven't been dating long.Also, it wasn't your place to knock on her door - even if he was cheating, she's not a part of your relationship, so you deal with it with your date, or you don't deal with it at all. You don't just go to a neighbour for answers because your boyfriend won't tell you what you want to hear.He may believe that, whether it's lies or just his interpretation of things, but he's right that knocking on his neighbours door was going to far. I understand why you did it, but you don't even know *him* much yet, let alone knowing her enough to do that and it not be as irrational as it was. You also didn't need to go to his place just because he didn't come to yours; that's a bit too far too, especially going back half an hour later, like you're watching him.I think this relationship is all wrong and it's too early on for it to be healthy and still having these issues. Please strongly consider letting it go and not making the same mistakes in the next relationship.
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