A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What are the pros and cons of being friends with an ex? Im trying to decide what i should do with my first love now that she is my ex. It is hard to decide because the reason we broke up is because she started liking someone else and decided to date him instead. Now shes back and wants to be friends.I dont want to be friends because even tho i try not to, i always think of all the stuff she did with the guy when she left and it always brings me down. Also, its hard for me to just see her as a friend now that we were eachothers firsts and im afraid i will always want more from her even tho i know i dont want to be with her because of our past.But on the other hand, we have alot in common and we both have a blast when we hang out. I have a hard time coping with the thought of not having her around again.I dont know what to do. I havent answered her calls for about a week because im trying to decide if i should talk to her or not. Ive been pretty upset this past week but i dont know if its because i want her or if its just the uncertainty i have.Help please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your advice. I was thinking id keep away for a while then start answering her calls but after what i read i think ill just tell her its all over and were better off going our seperate ways. Again thanks to all of you who helped
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011):
Don't be friends with her. The past is the past. Dedicate that energy to your other friends and to trying to find a new girlfriend. Your new girlfriend may not be too keen on the friendship anyway, so make a clean break now.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 This ex is a former girlfriend, not a former wife. When the ex is a wife, and there are children, then you can't choose, for better or worse: you have to stay in touch.
In this case, while I think it's good if you can put grievances in the past, maybe it's good if you don't talk to her at least for a while. Allow yourself a buffer of time.
I assume you enjoyed her company, and she yours, or the kind of bond you had would never have existed. Knowing that this is lost hurts to no end, but, unfortunately, sometimes nothing can be done. Try to live your life normally and make sure your heart understands that this is over.
It doesn't help you or her if you cling to hope. Put it behind you and then you'll be able to be friends with her, if the relationship deserves it or if it's convenient.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 The way I see it, if they're an ex, then stay away from them. You cant really go back to being friends with an ex unless both of you are EXTREMELY secure in your present lives. Even so, its not entirely possible to forget the past, and sometime or the other unresolved issues will keep coming up.
In your case, you should all the more avoid being friends with your ex because you had a bad break up, and hanging out with her and being around her will only delay the healing process. You have to move on with your life, because your ex has. If you keep in touch with her, it will just drag you down. Its not going to affect her in any way, if anything, she's enjoying the new relationship AND your company too. She's getting the best of both worlds, and you are the one who's left with nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): She wants to be friends because she wants the emotional benefits of your earlier relationship without the commitment. This is kind of like a female version of when guys want to keep having sex with their ex but skip the rest of the emotional relationship and commitment.
If you give her this it will just HELP her continue to date other guys. She will be getting the emotional support from you that she won't be able to get from them so easily.
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A
male
reader, ben345  +, writes (2 June 2011):
I tried it, boy it was hard. You will always have some feelings left for her, no matter how much you kid yourself. It'll be fine at first, but when she starts kissing and sleeping with other guys, it'll be painful. The best thing to do is have a big break [two weeks with zero contact] so you learn to cope on your own, and then you'll be able to get on platonically :)
Don't rely on her
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Pro's - there are none.
Con's - it all depends on your relationship but the list is potentially huge.
Ok, maybe that is a bit of a generalisation, but in the majority of cases being friends with an ex is a terrible idea and only draws out the pain of a break up.
I have 1 ex who is a friend, only 1. And the only reason we are friends and the friendship works is because we both agreed to split up, it was a mutual decision, we did not speak for a couple of months to allow ourselves to heal, and we went through a heck of a lot during our time together (his father died, and his mother died when he was little and has no family in the UK now so I was the only one there for him) so there was a deep bond that we did not want to lose, we were great friends as a couple so we did not want to give that up.
In your case - she left you for another guy and it hurt you deeply, she was the one that ended the relationship rather than it being a mutual decision so it will never work. She is probably trying to pacify her guilt by being friends with you as she knows what she did was pretty horrible, but the only thing being friends will achieve is that you will never get over her and the pain will just continue for even longer.
Being friends with this girl wont work, so best just to tell her that you are sorry but too much has happened for you to be friends, wish her the best and ask that she leaves you alone now. She is not doing this because she is being nice and friendly, there will be a few alterior motives behind this friendship idea of hers. Mainly that she a) feels guilty for treating you badly and b) she is keeping you as the reserve safety option, so that if things go wrong with new guy you are there ready and waiting as the back-up plan, because you are someone she knows, can trust and is comfortable with.
If you stay friends you will hurt yourself, she will be totally fine as she would have 2 guys that she can be with, win win for her. But what would you get out of it? Absoultely nothing, apart from pain and sadness that it didnt work out, and that some new guy has her and you dont.
Golden rule of friendship with an ex - unless the breakup was a mutual decision, NEVER stay friends with an ex as it will only end badly!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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