A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help. i need to move on from this constant heartbreak again.I cant believe it,i look back on this site and with the questions I asked, i didnt see this coming.7 years with the boyfriend only to have his ex phone me and say she slept with himI kicked him out,and as she told me at the top of the stairs hes been sleeping with both of us, without either of us knowing, i saw him run like a coward.I got a hammer and smashed up his watch. I feel like ive been puched in the stomach.Now hes blaming her saying shes lost the plot. shes saying he lied to her and told her he wasnt with me.She textd me and said sorry for what she said ,she didnt mean it.( did she lie to me? )Im cut to the core, my very being inside is filled with pain.He lies ,she lies. I have to move on.I ve grieved every time, and each time he waits,then just as i stop my tears and pick myself up in a month he will come knocking.God ,please help me get through this.How do i stop loving a man, who lies,cheats,treats me badly.I want an end to it this time forever.Please tell me what i can do with the pain in my heart, and the fear of the text in two weeks when he says i miss you.Please help me cut this man out of my heart forever.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Only just got back on here after a few months away, whats happened since?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve had no contact with the ex. his last words to me where im with anna now, and were in love. Move on 2 months.
till now. i get a call on my home number. its him, i want you back, is their any chance of us getting back together?
No women could ever replace you. My heart always comes back to you. etc, etc.
i was so angry, i said so anna's dumped you then. he said he dumped her. i dont beilve a word he says. he leaves a long message on my phone, how he misses me , etc.
Im not going back this time! hes played me like a fool for years. i love him, i will always love him, but i cant be with him, or have any contact with him, it heartbreaking. Hes hurt me so much, i cant do it anymore.i have to stay strong, not look back.I read the words of a year ago and it helps remind me, how bad it was, and that it will never work with him.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 So, what's going on. Seems like you have a lot of anger built up. You're a nice lady, and I enjoy chatting with you, and I believe during that time you've been warned time and time again to stay clear of this person.
The thing about people changing is they must have "personal" reasons to do so. They don't do it for relationships or other people. If he's content with who he is, he'll remain the same. He may say he'll change, telling you what you want to hear, but real lasting change takes much more than just the thought of doing so.
You were letting your "desire" overcome common sense again. It's okay to want, but you have to watch if what you want may cause you pain. My advice to you is to stop trying to find love, and it may find you. If you don't desire, you'll be the one who is desired. And when you're the one who's being pursued, and you're not looking to solve the "love" thing, you'll be able to pick out if their characteristics are what you're looking for, or if you should ignore the advances and keep doing what you're doing.
You'll end up finding someone who's good for you, as long as you stop going back to who is not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarch 3th 2009.
After being apart from this man for months, he managed to get back into my life again. Extacly one year today i have again found out the man cheated on me with the other women.
im an open wound. i kicked him out christams eve, only for him to try to come back again.
i posted all his textes to try to get me back again to the other women, to show the truth, she did not reply.
They can have each other.
Final anwser, i learned once a man cheats on you, never go back. have no contact, whatso ever, nothing.
If i can save another women from the pain im going through again ,it would have some purpose. When a relationship is gone, never go back, when trust is gone, never go back.
A leopard doesn,t change its spots. He asked me to marry him. Thankgod i didnt.Thankgod i finally found out the truth. He is a lier, a cheat a coke addict.
i pray from what has happened to me that if you have been in a similar situation you get out, have no contact. i wasted nearlly 8 years on this man. it's time to move on with my life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): You're both feeding off each other in different ways. But you both have something in common. Bitterness. You're both holding back from moving on completely because you are putting barriers up and blocking out anything past your safe zone. One of you, the safe zone is wanting to be with the ex(regardless of how dangerous he is) the other ones safe zone is getting with nobody, zip, zero, stay single, dont let anybody in then cant get hurt!
As for the answer.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi rcn( i laughed at your joke as i thought the same about my cat,always sweet.
i know what you mean its the injustice of things that get to me.
It can be heartbreaking in itself. i try to do alittle bit for the planet with freecycle, who keep good things out of landfill.We are destroying the planet with our own waste when we can re-use so much and give to others for free.They have freecycle all over the world, and although my contribition is tiny at least im trying to do my bit for the kids who are our future.
Have you ever read the ( Desiderata in the 1920's by Max Ehrmann.
This is for you RCN :
DESIDERATA
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remeber what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible ,without surrender,be on good terms with all persons.Spaek your truth quietly and clearly:and listen to others,even to the dull and the ignorant:they too have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons:they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain or bitter,for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.Keep interested in your own career,however humble;it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is:many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself.Especially do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love,for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nuture strengh of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars:you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham,drudgery and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful.strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann,Desiderata. 1952.
Have a wonderful weekend Rcn.The sun is shineing.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 May 2008):
Thank you for your wished. We're still doing well. I have my guitars. I can play them anytime, and they don't say no or talk back. lol
Did you see how the United Nations were forced to stop aid to the Asian country who the cyclone hit? They attempted aid, but their government siezed all their equipment. Believe me it's not just behaviors in relationships I get irritated by. My son and I started looking at other countries to relocate too. After this presidential election, no matter who wins, I don't see our country making a positive change. People can create so much damage to the integrity of a coutry just by simple ignorance or failing to spend the time to locate facts before taking action. If we closed down just a few of the real unneeded government agencies. The mony saved could provide food and clothing to ALL deprived countries. To me its sad that we do not.
I believe in the bible where it states, "you fed my people so therefore you've fed me." Isn't about someone bringing a sandwitch to a person in need. I believe it's about countries who have supplying those who don't, so no one has to go hungry or without cloths or medicine.
I don't know what got me started talking about political issues.
Take care. I know I started with a bad joke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionahh RCN thats so unfortunate when you have helped so many people.
The thing is you only get to see the desperatation and saddness in time of need, when you truly give the gift of hope.
i find that most times just a hug can make you feel better. please dont give up hope, because then creul actions of overs will rob you of a joy you truly deserve.
It amazes me sometimes when people do nasty things then a complete stranger will show you such compassion and understanding, and your faith in human kindness is restored.
i am sending you and your chidren a great big warm hug,with good positive feelings of thanks and happiness that touches your soul.
thankyou rcn.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 May 2008):
your welcome. I get lonely from time to time as well. Then remembering the actions and hurt people do to others snaps me right out of that thought of being with someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou RCN. Your right. i messed up bigtime.
Its true what you said.in a way it has helped me, as i know their is no going back ever.the tears i cried where wasted on a man who really didnt care that much for me.
i will go back to the library. im staying away from any realtionship. i need to find a way to heal my problems first.
I find living on my own, very lonely.i hear completely what you are are saying, and i am eternally grateful for your help.the library awaits with a new world of posibilities.
thankyou for being their. you make a world of difference.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 May 2008):
So you called him, and now know the truth about it not working out. What do you feel you need to do now? I suggest focusing on you. The problem I've seen is you're dependent. It seems as is you need someone there to "make" you happy. To help you compensate for areas your missing.
If you were to eliminate boys, sex, relationships, and only had you left. What in your life are you missing? What happens is we begin depending on outside sources to make us happy. Happiness comes from within, and no one has the power to actually make you happy. People somtimes drink or do drugs to make them happy at the moment. But when they sober up, the missing area is still missing. It seems as if you need a guy to provide satisfaction now, instead of building yourself to a point of being happy without having to look elsewhere.
Once you achieve that, you won't have to look elsewhere. Having someone then in your life will be much more satisfying than looking for someone to fill todays desires.
I see your ex as a player. He'll come around where he feels he can get into the girls pants. Like you said, after he succeeded, the old him came back.
I'd better get some sleep now. Talk to you later. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRCN are you thier/
I could really do with you help. i made a big, big mistake.
i was crying as i missed the ex so much, like just sobbing. i ended up phoneing him and he came over.
we both cried and finally hugging him i felt relief and love.
we made love and evrything was perfect, clinging to each other.we laughed,we where happy.
He said he would call me the next day to go out for meal. he didnt call at first ,then i called him. he came over and we went out for a drink. he sat and talked and talked about Anna. no stop about anna. he not with her, he is single, but i guess he returns to her when their is nothing else. my heart starting breaking.we then move onto another bar. he makes a phonecall to his mate to meet us their in an hour. i havent seen mark for months and he inviting a friend along? ive seen him do this before,as a backup if we argue he has got a mate out to contune having a drink with.
he did this once before when we stared argueing. i said im going home.he took me home and we argued all the way.
hw said we would get a takeaway and made up. we where fine, then the old mark again ( What did i just say to you) i have to repete word for word what he has just said.He turned his back onme and went to sleep.
we both knew this isnt going to work. In the morning we shook hands goodbye, and i just feel gutted.
i wish i never phoned him, but i was distort because i missed him so much
where do i go from here. i feel i have no-one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou RcN.
I have chronic Post traumatic stree disorder, did for the day ot happened. I had so much treamnet over the years, EMDR reprogamming, trauma councilling in london, years and years of the stuff. Im finally told the trauma has become resistont to treatment, bascially tought youve got it for life girl and you just gotta live with it. Bit like war survivours,victims of treadful crimes, etc.
Ive never drunk like that before , my body still is in pain with my back, leg and kneck but i rested it today.
To the anon poster thankyou, had tones of therapy,and who i am now is a micrale to how bad i was then. And yes its all true. the agongy aunt has been a lifeline when im at my lowest, alot of poeple cant handle what happen to me, so it has to be pushed under the carpet to protect them, so they dont get nightmare etc as to what happen to me( a very rare event of being in the wrong place at the wrong time( ie asleep in bed alone wen a rapist broke in.
Sometimes you end up with a weird sence of humour to try to deal with the pain.people like firemen, police, and one in that type of work are the same and unfortuanly can aslo get PTSD. All the poor police officers who workrd on my case also had to have counciing. I am one of the lucky ones as i suceed in getting the rapist a guily verdict. Then they read out his previous convictions and my world suck. Anyway got to put it back in closet for now,try and get myself back on track agin. as always, Rcn your lifeline.
Thankyou.
Alao it will help future women in my position, youve got to remmeber i won my trial, very little unfortunate women do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): There is something very strange about this thread, im amazed anyone is still replying to it. They aren't helping the question asker with whats really going on, put it that way.
You need to seek some help, professional person to person..
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 April 2008):
No, I don't recall that song, but when I was a teen, I'd watch the "Flying Circus." It was late night, had to sneak down to the tv to watch it, or mom and dad would get up (busted).
I know some times I ramble. I get on a thought pattern and just keep going and going. I am going to try to summaraize here. If not this will be really long. If I repeat something we'd all ready talked about, I apoligize for that. I don't feel like going through all past conversations to weed out the discussions. Now since the physical pain is not present, let's work on the "messed up mind." First by understanding mental trauma, then by realizing how you can eliminate or lower the amount of the traumatic impact.
There are several causes of mental trauma. Physical impact, verbal impact, personal experience, viewed or percieved experience and the list goes on and on. When studying the association of trauma on mental health, I was amazed of how it works. Our brains don't sepatate the trauma. The pain gets filed as the pain, but doesn't separate into different categories. But it does pile one on top of the other. If you were to take a match and light it, placing your hand above it at the same distance, not moving it away. Your hand will begin being warm, then gradually get hotter and hotter, until you have to move it away. Same with mental pain. If not taken care of, it grows, hence your PTSD. This is created when your trauma grows larger than to be housed in its place, then begins peaking its way from the subconscious mind to the conscious mind.
That's just a small view of how it happens. So what to do to bring yourself back to a less messed up mental state. Your trauma needs to be deflated. You won't be able to forget the events, but how you view them can change.
I know some of what I've told you just seems too easy to actually work. It really is, reason being, we always listen to ourselves. This technique is another way of doing so.
Write yourself a letter. In this letter tell yourself how holding this in and living with this pain has affected your life. (this is the part from the hurt you to the now you.)
Second letter. Write a letter to the victim side of you relieving the victim of guilt, and responsability for the actions brought on by another person. Also in this letter, forgive your victim self for allowing this pain to develop and build over all these years, which has crippled you from really being able to live to your fullest.
By doing this, you'll be reading letters from you to you, which your mind will pick up as truth because you're telling yourself. People with low self esteems view themselves that way, not because that's who they really are, but because that's what they keep telling themselves they are.
Now, when I look at people (from more of a biblical view) I see everyone, young, old, fat, thin, as another perfect creation. I do this because when our boddies die, and our spirits are released, that's who we really are. Our eternal presense beyond our experience here. The true perfection of God's creation. Who you see in the mirror and the negative thoughts you have for yourself is not who you really are. I believe you are so much more. I also believe God didn't create you to live as if your in hell on earth, but I also believe He's not going to intervene and stop you from decisions that from time to time might feel as if you are.
I believe in you. I know you can overcome these obsticals. It takes work, and getting drunk is a quick solution for a couple of hours, but then the obstical is still there waiting for you to push through it.
Take care of yourself. I heard drinking a raw egg helps with that hangover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTnkyou Rcn.
Im awakwe and sober.I didnt call the ex,. thankoyu for getting me through the night. will get my sell to the doctors on Monday to get something for the physical pain.
I lost it, for a moment.My words from the film ( ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BIGHT SIDE OF LIFE. ********************************************************************************* Will have breakfast,its a new day....
Thankyou RCN.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank god there are Rcn in the world . My screams were unheard for 3hours ad now you are there,thank you rcn.My physical pain has stopped, thankgod.Im a bit hung over,but ive neve been that bad before, i was in so much phyical pain. i was told form the start their are no magic cures. i am a good ,kind person, i have so much compassion for people in pain, i just for awhile. phyyisal and mental pain can brake a person. i remember readingg books they helped me/ one of hardest things is i constantly have to hide what happen to me. i go to a supermarket and i have a flashback and in the siuation again. Hay but i try to be tough, i can walk, and talk the body scars have faded and what i am left eith is amessed up mind. Im tryimd to deal with it. i was a professionnal fashion model at the age of 25 and then my whole life was changed overnight.I dont want to be consumed with so much pain, the burden of having to hide what happen burst sometimes. Oh your not over it yet- i take comfort inpeople who have been things much worst then me and survived.Ive taken comfort in you being their RCN.when you told your story, somthing inside me just knew ( YOU KNEW TOO MUCH) Im sure surviovors can reconize it in others.Thank you rcn. im still alive, and i should be grateful for that, at the time that all that mattered.Its a legace we can carry, to help over people people who have been in similar position.RcN thankyou - dont know if younow the Monty Phython song in america form the film LIFE OF BRIAN
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 April 2008):
Rape is an action that should not exist. One of the most damaging actions that can take place, weather in family or not. Ten years is crap. I guess that depends. I saw a show last night on prison, where many sexual criminals are killed before being released. Makes sense, even the convicted murderers and gang memebers have someone they miss and would love to see on the outside. Sexual criminals, by their actions disrespect the "real" criminals.
Being a survivor is not a small accomplishment. Another show I saw (I'm in law and enjoy reality legal shows), a teen couple we're abducted, she was raped, he had to watch, then both we're shot in the face with a 9 mm and pushed in the river. She had her jaw blown apart and half her tongue. I bring this up because she's another survivor. I was amazed, both lived. The cold water slowed down the blood flow and actually kept them alive. Simply amazing.
You're not a bad person. You're not prepared to have the "couple" thing. I don't like saying that, but look at the truth. How can you accept or give true love when you don't feel adequate with yourself? How can you really give yourself to someone, when a big part of you is being consumed in pain? How can you brag about drinking wine, and not offering to share? Okay, I threw that one in there.
Since you're getting drunk. This will be a fun exercise. I want you to draw a heart. With the rape, and ptsd, take a black marker and put a dot that take up about 1/8 of it. With the pain you described up top, take the blask marker and mark out another 1/3 (I hope you're not too drunk to ba able to properly measure these numbers.)
We could go through each one individually, but that would take a lot of time and too many bottles of wine to read it. We know emotions come from our mental being, not our heart, but I use that because people can relate and its much easier to draw than a bunch of worms attached together. What you have left, that isn't black is what you are able to offer a relationship.
Think of it this way +1 pain = -1 love, +1 hate = -1 love, and so on. It was for this reason, I've been single for the time I have. If I really want to love someone, I don't want any of that to be taken away by past pain, issues from others actions, would that really be fair to who I'm with? Not for who I'm with and not to me either, and definately not to my children. So what to do?????
This is a question for you. I want you to think hard. Ask yourself this. If I could waive a magic wand and change behaviors, thoughts, or eliminate pain, what would you choose?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm not knoking the police, my WPC was brilliant. They all where, and the poor sods all had to have councilling after. i cant go into any more , too much for any human being to handdle. Put when your in sweet thats the word- they cut off your fingernails to the core, they take swabs from every orifist. you have a pices of paper and adoctor marks the burises the cuts on your body. later a pohotograher comes to picture the massis brusies on your body. The imprinted hand hand make of brusies that youhad to hide form your parents to protect them. when pople ask have i been rapED IT MAKES ME ANGRY! _ IF YOUR SCREAMIGN FOR YOUR LIFE ,YOU CANT BREATH, YOUR GOING TO DIE- THATS RAPE. AND NO ONE ON THIS PLANET CAN SVE YOU AND YOU PRAY TO GOD - LET ME GET OUT OF THID ALIVE_ THATS ALL THAt matters because your dead already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsome people who have experienced extream trauma understand when having to deal with the most machcarbe fightening true situtions deal with it in a bizzare homourous way. me and my parents used to sing on black tuesday ( always look on the brighhtt side of life.) with axes and knifes and under our beds for 6months until trial and police protection fom ever police officer in the district- something are so entrentenced you never recover.take me back and the netal metal spike is still under my bed waithing if he stoped me from testifing
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni look out of window and i see happy couples holding hands, i would like that but who would want a women with Chronic post traumatic stress disorder that cant be cured? apparently if you become resiton to trement your buggered ( excuse the pun. my advice if i could ever go back the knife he held i would die first, then save my soul. still, it will be amazing how many people will blame the victim_ it was you fault for being asleep in your bed aT 9AM ON A SUNDAY MORINIG. IVE HAD ENOUGH OF BALME THE VICTIM.I DRRUCK, AND WILL BE SO REGRETTFUL BUT DO YOU BLAME ME.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat the hell im on the second bottle of wine.I just remenber standing inthe Old bailey Box of london and haveing to swear rights of truth on the bible.You stand their and finally you say "I swear to tell the truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god."
he last line was always aplea for help.
so miss XXXXXX you where a sleep in bed and woke up to find a rapist in your bed who had broke throught the back door and you awoke screming with a man in inyour bed. yes...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Im sorry, can you hAER ME, IM SORRY, HOW SCREWED UP IM I. IM APOLOGIZEING FOR THE WORDS YOU HEAR AS THIS HAS BEEN MY NIGHTMARE, MY FLASHBACKS, MY SHIVER THROUGH THE BODY EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 10 YEARS. THE JUGE SUMED UP AT THE END OF THE TRIAL( I AM SURE THAT MISS XXXXX WILL CARRY THE SCARS FOR THE REST REST OF HER LIFE.bUGGER ME!!!!!!! HE IS RIGHT!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe truth is why i am so screwed up. I was asleep in bed when i was 25 and a rapist broke into the house ane i was going to be killed. I was held form 3hours and tourtured,i esacaped with my life. I testified at the Old Bailey in london and put a serial rapist away for 10 years. I changed me name. i in a living hell coz i have poat traumtric stress disorder and have nightmare and flashbacks still.The only strenght i have back is yes i am the rape surviour who put a serial rapeist away and cold endanger myself in exposing this.To the lady who said a long time ago dont insult rape surviours,i am it honey! And i am the 7 percent of women who ruin their whole life to protect other women from what an evil man has done. Finallly the truth comes out, finally i just cry for my soul that was lost the injustice of it all, then someone doesnt read between the lines. Im that rape surviour who put a rapist away for 10 years years and now the bastard is out and there is nothing i can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRED ALERT : PLEASE HELP . IN DANGER OF CALLING EX HELP PLEASE.Ive been up since last night taken anumber of painkillers.I moved the computer and pulled a mucsle in my thigh. My lower back pain has been agongy - got no valuim to relieve the pain (in extream physical pain. Neck pain. pain in joint,whenim this bab uaslly i can take a valuim ad ir relies muscle tentionbut got none so tAKEN LOADS FOD PAIN KILLERS and stared on drinking a bottle of wine- anything to kill the pain.Ive never done this- its the middle of the day, ive never drankk to kill pain.My mind is so messed up. i want to call the ex but i cant.I fell betrayed by menn in general. Im 36 and have been asked out by 29 year olds. Is it just a passport they want because im english?I wont see them.Im scared coz im getting old. I look out of my window and all i see is couple together , why cant i have that? I feel so messed up. My self estemm is so low that i thinking selling myself because i feel worthless.thats what men have have taught me, im good for one thing. Ive been abused ,used and i hate myself. Im not a bad person, i dont understand what i ever did to deserve this.Im downing wine as i type to knock out the pain. I need Mark, for once in my life, i need him on the phone just to say its goona be all right, after 7 years, what we had, the trust, me and him against the rest of the world is shattered.Im broken. All the hidden stuff is coming out, i need help. im drinking ,i will phone him afterr 3months? naaad he will come running to abuse and huurt me again.The 29 year old is ringing on my mobile ,i dont want to know, i just wanna be someowhere where men dont hurt you, the only one my grandad, my light, my knoght, help me. please.
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Hey Sweetie,
I think rcn has hit the nail on the head there! Im glad to hear you sounding strong and positive again, it seems that his affect on you is a lot weaker now than it was when you first posted which is great to see!
Lucky you having had other guys interested! With a bit of luck a lovely man will as you out soon and you will be free to go and will finally get a chance to experience some tlc from someone new!
Im so happy for you, you're going to do just fine Im sure of it!
Stay strong and read back over the awful things he has done whenever you're feeling weak!
Im doing great Thankyou!
Big hug! x x x
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 April 2008):
Reading that letter I thought about two areas of concern. First, it's designed to cause guilt. Second, it's written without taking personal responsability for his actions. Every part of his apology was directed toward placing blame on people, or on situations. All though we all have obsticals that step in our path, it's by personal choice how we deal with the obstical. A true apology would not cause guilt. It would be centered on his personal behaviors not blaming people or circumstances he's claiming caused his behavior. How can anyone or anything but choice cause us to act in different ways.
I believe he's trying to cause you to feel guilty to guilt you back to him. Now you could accept his offer, but that will only provide you with instant gratification. It would make you happy today, but not long you'd be back where you are now. I would like to see you make choices that will be beneficial for long term, not short term satisfaction.
With not taking responsability, I'd say you should be worried about the sincerity of his letter.
Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Twirly, glad you joined and lovely to hear from you.
That night my 14 year old nieice came over ,so i was glad of the company. I couldnt get Gone with the Wind but did get other videos from the charity shop for 50p each for us to watch.
I am involed with freecyle, which keeps good items out of landfil ( i am a get believer in re-cycleing and helping the enviroment ) i have put an ad for an old copy of the film on freecycle, so fingers crossed.
Your right in what you say. Previously when any other guy shows an interest in me, Mark trys to come back.I then tell the new guy sorry i may be getting back with my ex, then Mark splits up with me again. He has done that twice before, and twice ive lost the other guys, dont blame them really.
Its difficult because that letter is the Mark i fell in love with, not the one high on cocaine.
He says he respects my wishes but he still wakes me at 1am in the morning with a phone call( i wont speak to him)
He says he will be their if im in trouble, but when my cat nearlly died, he just said he was on the other side of London and didnt help. He left me for 2weeks when i had the nerves burnt off in my spine, his mother helped me by phone more than him.
One minute, he is backing Anna and running to her and then the next he is calling her a b*****. I was with him for 7 years, when we broke up he went out with her and it only lasted 2months, yet he chose to continue the friendship with her to the detrimentally effect on our realtionship.
Every time i go back i get burnt, every time the hurt and pain and what happens gets worse.
Before,when we split up i thought i was pregant i went for the test alone, i had to wait 3 months, and the doctors just said it was stress, thankgod i wasnt pregant!
When i tried to be just a friend to him, he used me for emotional support, but when i needed him, he was out partying and i was in alone.
He did treat me like crap, but its so hard, because, the drugs make him selfish and arrogant, when he not on them he not like that. I said i would go with him to get help, but he doesnt think he has a problem and just hides things from me.
He used to snore so loud i couldnt sleep because of the hole in his nose, no women could be able to sleep with that noise, as he needs to get his nose fixed.
why didnt he sent this on valentines day, when i was crushed. why wait 2months and then be sorry.
I also had to carry my own double bed into my flat on my own( because he wouldnt help)Most probs what led to me having so much back problems.
I love him, i miss him, but im too scared to go anywhere near him. I have to protect myself. I cried last night because the whole 7 years felt like a lie, i suppose i just have to grieve and try to move on.
I will always love him but hes not good for me.
when i look back in my diary over the years i see in big letters ( dont trust him your get burnt)
Thankyou Twirly i needed a reality check, thankyou for being their.
How are you coping?
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (10 April 2008):
Hi Sweetie,
I am the anon lady from before who suggested the DVDs!
I have joined up now and would like to say that while it is a nice letter, I think you need to keep in mind all of the horrible things he has done and how awful he has made you feel.
You said that he always waits a while after you split up and then wins you back again, so I would view the letter as his effort to win you back.
From what you have said, nothing will change if you go back to him so you need to be strong here and hold out for someone else who will treat you so much better than him.
I would throw the letter away and remember how far you have come. It would be shame to go back to him after all you've been through, you will only have to do it all again next time he breaks your heart.
Stay strong! Did you get Gone With The Wind in the end? xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEMERGENCIE _ aunts please help************************************************************
I cried last night as i missed my ex so much and this morning a aletter was send to me from him. This is his letter word for word:
Dear *******
Respecting your wishes this is probaly the best way to commuinicate with you. Im writng this letter to you, because every week and month, and as time passes by, you come into my thougnht and heart, and i wonder how you are. I fell it is such a shame the way, and how we split up, as a couple and as friends. Someone esle came into our lives and destroyed what we had, when things were bad enough, and quesrioning times, for us both.I will never forgive her for that and how it must of made you feel. You didnt deserve that, but i cant change what she did. I am deeply sorry.
Me and you had our faults and at times highs and lows, but it was better than most realationshios and lasted even when our firends around us split up and had had problems of there own. We carried on.I would hate if we never saw or spoke again, it feels heart breaking if this happened. _ I know you might not fell the same, but i had to tell you. I expect you have moved on and possibly met someone else, you always did get chateed up and asked out for dates. I respect your life and what everything you might be doing now.
I passed by your house the other day, and looked out for you, and saw you in the front garden with your dad. I wanted to stop but my nerves and not sure how it would effect you. I was almose shaking.
When all thoses problems happened i was going through a very strange time not much work, moving house, etc, trying to work out my future. Not sure if i made ,or did the wright things, but will have to live with them.
I hope we can have fond and happy thoughts and memories, of us, and the good times we had together_ Buba?Dancing?laughing? and many more , our loving our grandads ( who passed away.
So- if one day you ever decide you may wont to see me, please dont hesitate, or call,or if your ever in trouble, i will be there.I know you might not, or want to, which i will have have to accept! But like i said, after sharing apart of my fondest and most memerable parts of my life with you, for me that would be a shame. I am sorry.
I will carry the scar on my arm to my grave , and will never forget you till the day i die!
Always did! And always Will! Love You!
MarkXXXx
Live long and happy.
( his telephone number and address.
HELP AUNTS HE IS PLAYING ON MY HEART STRINGS_ I STILL DO AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE MARK.
HELP ME AUNTS PLEASE.
What do you thing about this letter??????????????????????
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou RCN.A true story for your kids to put a mile on their face. (hope its not to crude, but its true and really happened.MY CAT BUBA HAD THE SWEETEST REVENGE.Mark my ex was never very nice about my cat, he was always to rough with her.My cat buba ran for cover every time he came in,even after 3years.Buba was being hounded by the local tomcat.Mark said "You need to toughen her up shes a fat cat and the other cats are most probs laughing at her!"He told me "The way to teach an animal if it ever had an accident on the floor was to rub its nose in it, its the only way you it will learn."I ignored his creul comments.I went and brought a new magnetic catflap,that would ony let her in, as she was getting firghtened to go out.After weeks and weeks of his promiseing to put the catflap in, which he never bothered to do ihad to do it myself.I Jigsawed the wood from the door,screwed it in and put the magnet on Buba's collar. perfect! It was taking her a while to get used to the new way the flap opened.Mark comes over,stays then in the morning after another argument i hear him shouting Arrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!Im thinking,oh god,he is moaning about the cat food bowl being on the floor, hes most probs stepped in it.Is it buba? I call."ARRRRRRRRRRRR!" calls from the bathroom,hed been washing his face.I ran in to find a towel over the bath as usual but this time buba had pooded on the towel in the bath because she couldnt get out of the cat flap.Mark had been washing his face, grabbed for the towel and wiped cat poo all over his face!I was in fits of laughter, my dear sweet cat finely had her own revenge.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
We didn't get hired for filming. I think we applied too late. That's okay, still had a great time with the kids.
If he does show up, kick him in the ________, and tell him you think you just saw a ghost run by and nailed him in his twins.
I know, that's bad, but it sure was funny thinking about it. I know you feel drained, and eating bad food is not going to help. Even when it comes to him, if he does run into you when your out, just go the other way. You shouldn't have to live hiding in fear all the time. If he wants to talk, just tell him "sory no reason too."
He says you're phone calls itsself. I'll tell ya, he's not just a lier, he's a bad one.
He does that, just like with his past with you, he just doesn't give a crap who he hurts as long as he's satisfied with what he's doing. In the long run, I believe you'll be much better off after going through all you have.
I hope you get over the food spell. Have a wonderful week.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm just trying to recover from food poisioning.Brought myself halfprice strawberries from the supermarket,for the weekend.They where green with mould the next day. Ive been throwing up violently all morning, so weak,thought i was goona die in my bathroom.
Thought they will find me dead on the tiolet,what away to go!
Feel phyiscally exhusted got an early night. Was just woken by Mark the ex phoneing my home number at 1.15 in ther morning. I pressed 1471 and its his mobile. he doesnt leave messages, just wakes me when i sleeping.
Then i started to get angrey,how dare he! im not well.
Know im worried,hope to god he doesnt turn up soon, ive only just started going into the garden again, looking over my shoulder.
In the past ive gone made at him for phoneing me, but that just makes things worse, he would say the phone called me by itself, i wouldnt phone you accuseing you.
Im totally fed up. I jsut feel hate for him now.
He choose his ex-girlfriend while he was seeing me, he then called her a bitch and said she couldnt commit, and how was he going to find another girlfirend.
He treated me like dirt, like i was nothing, and im not putting up with it anymore.
My dream is in the future when im with another man he will pick up the phone and say leave her alone!
sorry im just not well, i feel sick and now my mind starts, oh god no more!
Why does he do this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Hey again Sweetie!
This is Miss anon again here lol! (I should sign up really I will so one fo these days!)
Im so happy to hear you sounding cheerier! To be honest, reading your post has helped me this week as I was thinking about the guy that I spent all last year getting over, and was feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself, so Thankyou for helping me take my mind off it!
Also, you won't believe this, I watched Gone With The Wind just 2 weeks ago for the first time! I am so amazed you mentioned it, what a great co-incidence! I got it for Christmas and only just got round to watching it, and it was so great! And so long! I was hooked and so happy to have finally seen it all the way through, what a fantastic movie!
Have a lovely relaxing girl-tastic weekend Sweetie, Spring is coming too which is lovely, (and about time too!) As I write this the sun is coming in through the windows and Im sending you lots of healing, peaceful and happy wishes.
x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! To the wonderful female anon- you got what i was feeling completely.I had a good cry, read then went to sleep.After reading your post today i feel better than i was.Your ideas are brilliant! i love classic old film,and have been trying to get another copy of "Gone with the wind"Scarlett Ohara-Adore her fighting spirit to survive.i even remember her words "I swear by almightly god, i'm not gonna let this thing beat me." Love it! shes on her hands and knees in the dirt, and its then when her fighting spirit comes back,to keep going.So will find the film this weekend, something to look forward to.I would love to do midnight gardening*, its the time when i stop thinking and am engrosed in the moment.Ive got so much to do, it just the apathy that hinders me.Was going to do some beauty treament, paint nails etc, another fab idea.Ive got a lot of respect for your ideas, i needed something concrete and constructive to focus on, something positive i can do.I am going to write a list of things i enjoy doing and stick it on the wall.I think i just had to cry it out and write down my feelings, but above all else what mattered was that their where other people their, that i wasnt completely isolated.Thankyou sincerely anon.Superb ideas!Its a bumpy road but im still lookinging forward.Thank you to the aunts.RCN how did the filming go?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 March 2008):
Its hard when feeling alone. Then we ponder on could of would of should of. I use meditation as a form of relaxation and for stress relief.
What needs to happen in learning to really let go. Healing can't begin as long as you have this tight grip on these emotions. You can do this and begin healing anytime, but it's your choice to take that step and do so. When you carry these emotions around with you, it's your choice to not let go. Sometimes we experience pain, most often we don't and won't have all the answers to why something happened. Some things are best left unanswered, we let go, then take the step toward healing. Healing is a process, it's not immediate, but holding on this tight really prolongs the process.
Take care
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Hey Sweetie,
I sat last night and read all of the posts here and my heart really went out to you. You are being so very brave and strong, and the sadness you feel is quite usual so allow yourself to go with the feelings when they wash over you, have a cry, and eventually the sadness will get less, I promise, I have been where you are now, and it's 18 months later and things are so much better.
I have one tip for you! It's going to sound silly but it will work! :o) Last year, I bought myself the boxset of Cagney and Lacey to watch, which was so much fun! It took me back to being a child, and was really fun for the week that I watched all the episodes! I also borrowed my Sister's boxset of Sex and The City, and re-watched all of those as well, which made me feel all strond and fabulous!
If you can't afford to go out, then buy your favourite old shows on boxsets used from Ebay or Amazon marketplace, and then when you have watched them, re-sell them and get your money back!
It may sounds silly, but while you're forced to stay home you may as well retreat into a happy fantasy world for a bit, which will at least take your mind of thinking about him (who - may I say sounds horrible!! I know you love him still but dear me, this man has treated you soooo badly!)
So, my advice for this Saturday night is to get yourself something great and fun to watch! And for the daytime, what about those plants you were going to put in the garden? Also, get some lovely things from the supermarket and make yourself something really nice for dinner, also think of some people you haven't talked to in a while and call them up!
This guy can't do anything to you, he already showed up at your house, and you were strong enough to walk past him and tell him to get lost, which was great by the way!
You don't need to explain anymore to him, there is no point in having the same conversation over and over about this other woman, all you say is nothing! If pushed, say 'it's over, please don't contact me again, if you cared for me at all you would respect my wishes and leave me alone.'
So please cheer up!
Another idea is to browse this forum, perhaps the 'cheating' section, and offer some advice to others on here. I found this website last year while getting over my heartache, and offering my advice to others really helped me to rise above my situation and realise that what I would advise others is what I should be doing myself. It's so hard to see or think clearly when feeling as you are now, but as soon as you realise how you would advise another person in a similar situation, then you'll begin to really see how to do the same for yourself.
Everyone here is rooting for you, everyone here thinks this man is a disgrace, and no good for you, so please take heart!
Loook at this time at home as time to relax and love yourself a little bit. Do a deep conditioning treatment or paint your toenails, there's lots of things you can do! I work nights so i LOVE having a night at home, to me it's a great luxury!
Hope that has helped a little!
Lots of love and stay strong! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Just keep remembering what he did to you, your tears should stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello
Been feeling really low, really need some help to help myself.
In a deep depression of pain and loneliness.Ive been so careful moniting the phone and cctv, not going out incase he appears, its like ive created my own impossed prison.
I'm so scared he will just turn up that im livin like a reculse. . i havent been out in the evening since this allstarted, saturday nights are the worst , in on my own.
Moneys tight, just feel like i need to pull myself up and out. Just feel apathy, sadness, crying. I dont want to be like this, i dont want him back but i miss having the company. I havent had a hug since febuary the 6th and im just starting to feel like is this it?
I need help. What can i do to help myself? Its 12.30 at night , i cant phone anyone and i feel alone, please help.
What can i do to lift myself?
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female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (24 March 2008):
That is so good to hear you are at peace. I agree with Pericles that short posts mean peace. Savour every moment darling and enjoy because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Happy easter from Australia!
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (24 March 2008):
 wow! that sounds REALLY good!! good for you!! I think that sounds very healthy, and is all about you taking care of you.
happy easter!
you notice how when you're happy, and at peace, the posts are really short? it's the turmoil that causes the need to say a lot! peace is so quiet, isn't it? it's nice.
best wishes.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Happy Easter.Been taking the phone off the hook, and checking my cctv when anyone calls. Reading. Very sad but no news is good news. so i hope your with loved ones and having soe choc. Me and the cat are greatful for the peace.
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (20 March 2008):
I find it interesting that he always seems to call when you're trying to sleep. This is a passive-aggressive way of getting attention, because someone who isn't playing games knows to call during times you're likely to be awake. It's almost as if he's saying, boy, I hope she doesn't pick up, because I'm too afraid to actually talk to her (if he wasn't so afraid to talk to you, he'd call you when he knew you were able to talk). And that he calls when he knows he must be disturbing you is another passive-aggressive way of getting attention, but the kind of negative attention children get when they irritate their parents. They want your attention, any attention, but don't have a more constructive, less childish way, to get it.
I don't feel sorry for him, because he's supposedly a grown-up, but I can see that you are dealing with someone who is essentially a child emotionally.
It's good you're starting to break the connection--you hung up on him.
Next time I'd say do not answer at all, since how many people are calling you in the middle of the night, or whenever you're trying to sleep? Do you have calller ID where you are? That's a nice feature that allows you to see who is on the phone and is so helpful at times like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello it's Mark..........I immedietley put the phone down. I was sleeping and my home phone rung and i picked it up.
Hes back! Ive taken the phone off the hook.
Ive tried to put up a brick wall around me.Im guessing hes just come back off his hoilday.
He waits............... Hes back again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Pericles. Thats really nice.I didnt go to the library today and was feeling pretty rotton and low.Thankyou as i dont think i would have got this far without outside help and the agongy aunts encourgeing me on to a better life.It also helps women who come after me with a similar problem, so i am very grateful and touched that you posted that answer.It helps to see authors perspectives as a guide map of knowledge to be utilized in our own lives.You cheered me up tonight. Thankyou
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (14 March 2008):
From: Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood, 1985.
The Road to Recovery (steps to take)
1) Go for help
2) Make your own recovery the first priority in your life
3) Find a support group of peers who understand
4) Develop your spiritual side through daily practice
5) Stop managing and controlling others
6) Learn to not get "hooked" into the games
7) Courageously face your own problems and short-comings
8) Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself
9) Become "selfish"
10) Share with others what you have experienced and learned
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (14 March 2008):
When I get time I'm going to post the list of things you have to do to take charge of your life, according to this book (Women who love too much). They are simple steps, but the author, a therapist, contends that every woman she's ever worked with who got away from the grip of an abusive relationship had to go through these steps to get well of their own emotional addiction to the person who is addicted. I will post these as soon as I can, tonight or tomorrow at the latest.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (14 March 2008):
Wow ringing you at 3am just shows the lack of respect. He is probably hoping that if you answer the phone at this hour you will be not thinking of a defensive response. I would get an answering machine, turn the phone to silent ring tone overnight and let the machine answer his calls. If he leaves a message he leaves evidence. The other thing I do not know if you can get your telephone company to trace unwelcome calls but if he continues to ring they can trace the number and send him a warning letter stating not to call you. Is there a domestic violence order? He is harassing you and there are clauses where you can opt for no contact through any means ie writing or telephone. Keep strong. Like I said over the next two weeks he will up the ante to weaken your response. Maintain the strength that you have now and pericles has some very good advice. To me it sounds as though he has jumped to active pursuit of you which may be intimidation phase which is one jump from explosion or arguement stage. Maintain your boundaries. If you turn the phone to silent then 1 you will not hear it and 2 you won't be tempted to engage just to get him to back off because the moment you engage he pushes harder. Your fear if you ignore him he will turn up is a possibility but if he does turn up call the police. It is your house, your phone, your life. He does not have the right to invade your personal space. I know that earlier posters were saying that you should just change both numbers BUT women who have abusers contacting them ARE THE BEST JUDGES OF WHAT STAGE THE MAN IS AT BY THE COMMUNICATION THEY RECEIVE FROM THE ABUSER. Changing your mobile was a really good move as he can't get into your head through written words. Keep strong mate you are on the right path.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Pericles. You helped me before when i had thoughts going round my head and you said ( just do anything_ watch tv, distract yourself. It was very good advice and worked at the time.
Mark phoned my home number at 3am again last night. I dont No if i did the right thing changeing my mobile number, because he moves to the home phone. If i get that changed he will just turn up by suprise, which is even worse.
Its starting to make me ill, ive lost a stone in weight, mirgaine today. I cant go through this again, i just want it to stop.I will have to take the phone off the hook over night for the next 2weeks, so he cant contact me.
I feel its just a waiting game. Then he will turnup, or post a letter. Ive had enough hurt and suffering i juse want him out of my life.
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (13 March 2008):
Another book I would strongly recommend, that I am reading right now, and has been around since 1985, is Women Who Love Too Much. This one is opening my eyes to childhood patterns of behavior that set you up for abusive relationships with addicts of one kind or another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Hi poster
just read your updates well done for staying strong. He is going to try every trick in the book to win you back maybe even change for a short while but then as you know he will revert bac to the old Mark you know and hurt & abuse you all over again. I don't think he dumped Anna he is on hols with his brother just like he did to you and Anna will still be there when he returns, she has told you the truth and thats why he is blaming her, he is the one playing mind games, but you know all this now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou K. Queen (Linda) for your insight. Your right, if i had said im not going to listen he would have changed in a second and then blamed me for making him unhappy on his birthday.I need to tighten up my defence.I will go back to the books and learn the tools of manipulation that he uses so i can recongonize them. Nobody said it was going to easy path to follow, the right one never is....I should have read this book first:-POWER AND CONTROL.Why charming men can make dangerous lovers.By Sandra Horley foreword by Cherie Booth QC.Vermilion Books.Refuge Registered Charity.Next learning insight ( Tools of manipulation for protection. - Thankyou Linda, your a very intelligent women.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (12 March 2008):
He was expecting a card or phone call from you and when that didn't happen he felt the loss of power and control over you. He used GUILT AND PITY to make you see HIS emotions without considering yours. SORRY PHASE. NEXT IS BUYBACK PHASE. He is telling you he lied and will never find a girlfriend like you yet he is on holiday without you. It is interesting that he blamed his ex girlfriend as being the one playing MIND GAMES. He did say he told a white lie. From your post you stated he lies. Lies do not have colours. Either you lie or you don't. HE LIES.Then to top it off he follows up with a big mother of a lie by blaming this ex for HIS ACTIONS. He has not changed but he is sensing the change in you so is madly scrambling to use the same old tools of manipulation to win you back. He had no trouble in the past finding another girlfriend. That statement was basically throwing you out a line with GUILT as the bait and waiting for you to bite and take it hook line and sinker. What a stinker. The thing is to RECOGNISE THE TOOLS AND MANIPULATION HE USES AND CHANGE YOUR RESPONSE. What if you had said to him you have hurt me greatly and I am not interested in your excuses anymore. I have moved on. What would his response have been? Would it have been sorry or an arguement. Over the next two weeks he will try his best to win you back IF YOU ALLOW HIM. It is totally up to you as in all healthy relationships there is EQUALITY AND RESPECT. If he has lied in the past he will lie in the present and future. She probably dumped him cause he was abusive to her. There are two sides and I would listen to her side to get the clear picture. He is a MANIPULATOR and he knows that you still care for him so he does not need to respect or change because he knows he is still in your head and heart. Keep strong mate and keep smiling and remember your strength and remember the earlier post of all the times when he was not there and how he treated you. Nothing will change if you take him back. Except your strength and ability to have love and respect in a healthy relationship. You deserve to truly be with a genuine man who is not abusive and honey there are lots of them out there. He is not the only fish in the sea and if you maintain your stance to not allow him into your life over the next two weeks you will see his true colours. He will then tell you that there are plenty of women out there etc and what he said yesterday will mean nothing in two weeks time. Trust me I have been there.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 March 2008):
Because he's a manipulative jerk that knows you better than you know him, and has just been binned off by the new squeeze that sussed him out quick smart :o(
Didn't wanna be friends up til now huh.
Blimey that was a long scroll down to post!
C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMark just called my home number.
Ive had my mobile number changed, so he couldnt text but he phoned me near enough crying on his birthday.
I felt sorry him, as i never stopped loving him.
He finally admitted he had told a white lie, once and from then on i wouldnt beleive anything he said.He is not with Anna, he is single. He said to me where am i going to find another girlfriend? that knows me like you do. I know Mark like i know the back of my hand.
I think hes always been more fightened of losing me as friend, and he is lonely. When we had broke up before and i swore i would never speak to him again, he got mugged, and i felt i had to be their for him.
A part of me is relieved as the thought of them being together tonight was killing me, but he said she just broke us up for mind games.
He said can you just wish me a happy birtday.
He is on holiday, skiing with his brother.I havent had a holiday for ten years but he has, every year without me.
He said he was sorry and he still loved me. I said Happy Birthday and you know i will always love you.
I put the phone down,its my friendship hes seeking. I felt sorry for him.
Why didnt i just put the phone down? because im human.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (12 March 2008):
I am so proud of you. You had enough strength to not send the card. It is ok to buy it and your instincts told you not to follow through. That is a positive step. Another positive thing would be to keep a journal. On one half of the book you can write your daily journey gaining your strength. Now on the other half of the book flip it upside down and in your weakest moments when you feel like you are caving or faltering write down what your thought processes are. It is really good therapy and looking back on it you will see what triggers the emotional response in you. ie he calls, you see him, you think about him and the relationship what could have been and it will really give you insight into what tools he has to manipulate you into DOUBTING YOUR STRENGTH AND ABILITY. I cannot stress enough that all men are not abusers and it is the behaviour of abusive men and women which is in question NOT THE GENDER. I wish you well and once again, all the way from Australia I just want to say that I am proud of you and I believe in your strenth and your ability to move forward and heal. You will be an inspiration to women all over the world and I feel that great things are possible for you in the future. Keep smiling mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear RCN.
I think you and your children deserve to have the starring role in the film, so best wishes for you.
I was lucky enough to have a really positive male role model in my life, my grandad. He died when i was 11 but was one of the kindest human beings you could ever hope to meet.
I also had a very kind boyfriend before this one, so i know their are men out ther who have the capacity to love and be loved in return.What i am trying to say is, their are good men out their,just as k.Queen ( Linda ) emphasized.
Thankyou for your lifeline to the right direction, your a rock of strenght.
Ps : The card was brought but not sent. ( they say its the thought that counts)
Warmest regards.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 March 2008):
You're right, he's not a good person. Sending his a card, all though a polite gesture, is still holding on. I wish my ex's happy birthday, but we're also on good speaking terms without any intention past a birthday wish on either side.
Wish us luck. My kids and I have applied to be extras in a movie that is filming in our city next week. This is something we've never done, but if accepted it will be a fun experience.
Have a wonderful week. Stay strong, remember all this is short term, start thinking about what you want to do longterm. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both of you. I didn't get in contact with him.You are so right about anniversarys, it's his birthday coming Wednesday. One part of me is like send a card, the other is like are mad! Your opening the door again, when you need to keep it firmly shut.I try to remember when he said bad things to me like: if I ever got pregnant after 7 years with him we would split up. What kind of a man is that to be with? One that would leave you when you needed help.Like when I had the nerves burnt off in my spine, he left me for 2 weeks on my own whilst I crawled in agony on the floor out of bed to get myself food.It is so Doctor Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. One minute they are nice again, can't do enough, then in a drop of a hat the abuse starts again. So you end up fighting yourself and your emotions.Thank you to you both, I feel so much better today at the moment. To the other anon, I don't know if you where the same one that posted but it was only because of what you where going though that I decided to carry on posting, if my road to healing could help you become stronger.(I just thought if my pain could help someone else out of a bad sitution then their was a reason to keep fighting on.) Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): hi
I am soo glad you have replyed & are doing alright. I am also trying to be strong like you, I posted below a few times. Well Friday he calls leaves messages I tell him to f/off I then call his g/f tell her whats been going on ( as if she didn't know!) then say he's all yours. Would you belive she calls me sat morning to ask if he's with me!!!!!!!!!!!!! f/s so now my family are gettin into me sayin I keepin this going, he's mad cause a told the truth.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (10 March 2008):
Glad I was able to help. To have moments when you feel like caving in and going back is to admit you are human. You know the emotional cost you have put into the relationship is what makes you falter but this is when you should just do nothing. Your gut is telling you that going back to him will just undo all the good work you have been doing in getting stronger and being free. Your heart tricks you into believing that if you gave him one more chance he might be better. This is the struggle facing women and men who are trying to break free from abuse. It is hard but it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to choose to live from this day forth accepting no less than respect and equality in relationships. ANNIVERSARIES and birthdays are especially weak moments where you kind of wish for what could have been. This is the moment when you draw strength from within and choose to be stronger, happier and full of self love and self confidence. My ex left me the day we got a mortgage with twin boys who were just turning 3 and he used their birthday 10 days later as leverage and an emotional tool to try and come back to the relationship after cancelling my car insurance, taking all money out of the joint account that the mortgage payments were in and then telling me that he never wanted to see the boys again and only wanted to see his girls. So what I am trying to say that with every weak moment look beyond at their actions and remove yourself from the situation and be like an observer and look at what their actions are. Ignore the words, the promises and see their actions. For every weak moment there is an equally stronger time ahead for you. There will come a time when you will laugh and smile but you have to grieve first. You have strength you have intelligence you have beauty and you have life. Count your blessings and stay strong. All the best. Linda.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou K.Queen.
I will so get the book,a.s.a.p.
Ive been in alot of emotional pain, cant stop crying constantly. I even missed my nieces birthday. My eyes are so swollen.
I very nearlly gave intoday and wanted to call him, but i didnt.Its killing me and im trying so hard to stay strong,stay focused. All that keeps coming into my mind is him, no matter what i try to do, the pain comes back. I think him texing and turning up at my house has put me back.My phone is changed now.It sounds silly but i hope im not having a nervous breakdown?
Like ive read its like being a fish on hook and struggling not to get caught back in the trap.
Ive just been trying to carry on alone. ive stopped again from what i was doing and your words where their- it makes the difference in caving in and fighting on........
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (9 March 2008):
Thankyou for posting and letting me know you are ok. Keep posting as rcn and myself genuinely care about seeing you in a better place. Information you are gathering will strengthen you in addition to doing some work with yourself. I mean building self esteem and self love and ensuring that the next relationship you find yourself in will be a happy healthy stable one. Abusive people male or female attract people who lack in self esteem and therefore more susceptible to being controlled. Take one day at a time as I have done and you will grow stronger each day. Another book I read which was helpful was WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN. As a dv worker I do struggle with labelling all men in this way as there are many that are not abusive which is why in Australia we have White Ribbon Day which is a day that non abusive men can wear a band and support women to put an end to abuse against women and men also. Take care and take time to see the beauty around you and the beauty within you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaken Word for word by the book :
The Price of Love.
Nikola T.James.
Pan Books. 2007.
The Price of Love is the heart-rending true story of a girl who,against all the odds, survived terrifying abuse.
Scarred by her father's violence, by being bullied, sexually assaulted and raped at school, Nickola had nowhere to turn for help.Her disturbed behaviour was ignored by the adults around her and her self-esteem was at rock bottom. And then she fell prey to a fightening stranger, a man who would turn her life into a living nightmare.
Neil was a handsome and charming and she was too young to see the warning signs. She married him while in her teens and the abuse started on the first night of their honeymoon. She was kept a prisoner,sexually abused,subjected to horrific beatings and tormented by her husband,who insisted he was only doing this because he loved her.And those who should have helped her refused to believe that she was telling the truth.
When her husdand told her ,with a chilling lack of emotion, that he was going to kill her, Nikola found the courage to run away and fight to be free of him.
Eventually ,she turned her life around , and today is happily married and works as a therapist helping others.
Page 7.: Word for word
My wish is that this book will help other victims and survivors, that it will give hope and encourage them to cahange their situations and start their own healing process.I have tired to explain how we can become trapped in abusive relationships. You may recooginize your own circumstances here.
We are all very speacil people who deserved to be loved.
RCN - My heart goes out to you.
K. QUEEN. Thankyou to you both,youve both stopped my tears at 5am.
THANKYOU FOR BEING THEIR* you have made all the difference.
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reader, rcn +, writes (9 March 2008):
You know you are going to be okay. Reason being, your persistant in doing so. The problem in domestic violence is when does all this begin. Lets look at my story in where I was living in an abusive relationship for a year, I was not the abuser.
My ex, from age 5-13 was raped by her dad and her brother. At age 13 she found the love of her life (as she thought), he was abusive. He didn't want to date at one point, so when she was sleeping he took a knife and stabbed her in the chest. She showed me the scar, and the scars on her feet where he burned her with cigarettes. She left him, but was pregnant at the time, he talked her into coming back with the "i've changed" statement. When their child was 5 months old, he decided he didn't want to be a father, and threw Alexis down the stairs snapping her neck and killing her instantly.
This was my ex's past. I don't blame her for her abusive behavior, and developing borderline personality disorder because of living through traumatic incidents. This is considered to be the "love, hate" disorder. They adore you one minute then are trying to destroy you the next. Every 24-36 hours we could plan it would be time for her to snap again.
The problem with domestic violence is they only look at the control wheel as a model. Figuring it out last week, the control wheel only symbolized less than 1/4 of all cases. What's really missing in the world of violence. Perception. How we view what happens and the world around us. The reason people disagree in relationships is perception. Their own view. The reason one person stays with violence and another one gets out, is perception. There are simple truths around violent relationships like "I'll change" should have bull shit written next to it as the definition.
We sit here and answer questions for others. Those we answer questions with answer questions with others as well, and are effective, even if there present situaiton is similar. Not living in the situaiton, and not having our emotions directly connected allows us to see the truth of what may be going on. Those who answer the truth to others but are living in the situaiton themselves, can help those who they are not directly emotionally connected too, but need assistance with theirs because of their perception of how they view their own situation.
People long for connections, relationships, love, so when it comes to a bit of abuse, often the disire that change may actually take place is greater than the abuse endured. Therefore the victim compromises themselves to adjust to the situation, and as the need to control increases the amount of compromising does as well.
Thats why when I talk to people, teens on up, all though they don't want to loose the relationships they are in, I always say, that's fine, but you can't allow yourself to be mistreated at the same time, just to keep that relationship. People on both sides need to stand up and demand abuse stops. They need to say "that's enough, I love you, but I love me and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow you to treat me that way."
All though I was in the situation I was in, I was still affected by it. I spent 2 days in the hospital. I thought I was having a heart attack, it turned out to be anxiety. I spent 6 months with major depressive disorder, where unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't leave my bed, and definately not the house.
To sum this up, what's really happening? No real commitment or respect for others in relationships. People cheat or hurt one another by words or physical, the relationship ends, next one starts, same thing happens, but now the belief begins that is how realtionships work, and it repeats itsself, each relationship beginning with a lower sense of self. We are living in a world what has some of the weakest foundations in relationships in history. It's no wonder why unfaithful behaviors, disrespect, abuse, confusion and really just going with the flow is so evident. I recall what I judge stated in a divorce case. She said he goes home every day to her husband, not because she has too, but because that's where she wants to be.
I have a strong amount of faith that you're doing exactly what you need too to heal and move on from this. Your a good person. With your reading remember this, knowledge is only knowledge, taking that knowledge and creating action is true power. Take care, and have a wonderful rest of the weekend.
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reader, korculan queen +, writes (9 March 2008):
Wow I am so proud of you for going to the library and reading up on domestic violence related issues. I am getting goosebumps and tears of joy in my eyes. You are on the road to recovery. Once I armed myself with literature and books on the subject it was like this light came on and instead of feeling like it was my fault which is what the abuser programs your mind into thinking, I realized that HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS and then I truly began to heal. As a domestic violence worker I agree with you that some of the posts were not very sympathetic and were judgemental and not praising you enough for the strength you have gained so far. I just want to say do not listen to these hurtful remarks as you have come so far. Only you know the strength it has taken you to flee from your abuser and you know the mainipulative tools he has used. Another website to go to would be cairns regional dv service. Google it and you will find the cycle of violence and the power and control wheel and more access to resources. Keep going mate you are so on the right track. Take care and keep smiling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese words are quoted word for word from the Book :
Escape Domestic Violence By Helen Grant
edited by Denise Robertson.
(ITV This Morning Programe Agongy aunt)
Page 265 : The Way forward.
If you think someone you know is being abused there are many things you can do to help.Approach you friend or relative sensitively and hold back from telling her what to do unless she is in immediate danger. You dont have to know all the answers. What she really needs is to feel less isolated and alone.Having you to lean on and talk to when she is feeling down will help her far more than any direct advice.Make it clear that all abuse is wrong and that none of it is her fault.
* Give her plenty of time and space to talk and be sympathetic,sensitive, understanding and non-judgemental.
* Build her self-esteem, praise her for positive steps she takes and point out her good points.
Page 108. Escape domestic violence.
MYTH: Battered women are equally to blame as the men who abuse them.
FACT: Totally wrong. Domestic violence ia a choice , and the abuser is responsible for his actions at all times. Abused women make many attempts to chage their own behaviour in the hope that the abuse will stop. It never does because the person that needs to address his behaviour is the abuser.
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (7 March 2008):
Hi there!
No, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding; I am NOT advocating that this woman try to help anyone right now. If that's how what i said sounded, I have to apologise, since that's not what I meant, most certainly. I said I don't think anyone in this situation is ready to help others just yet. Sorry if that was somehow misinterpreted.
I think anonymous needs time to heal, although certainly sharing her story is one way to deal with the pain right now, yes.
I also have empathy for hkitten's frustration. At times it does seem as though someone who comes back to the same issue repeatedly is not getting it, is practicing self-abuse, is not getting out, is not making changes, etc. But I think we have to keep in mind that anon. is posting to this website over the course of only a few days, and change, real change, takes time. Right now, I think all we are doing is seeing her through a crisis moment. If she continues to accept this guy's behavior for months into the future, then, yes, that is self-abuse and would probably qualify her as someone who really doesn't want to get honest-to-god help. But I think you have to take into account that this all just came down on top of her not that long ago, and cut her (and yourself, when you're in a similar crisis) some slack.
;-)
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (7 March 2008):
Hi there!
No, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding; I am NOT advocating that this woman try to help anyone right now. If that's how what i said sounded, I have to apologise, since that's not what I meant, most certainly. I said I don't think anyone in this situation is ready to help others just yet. Sorry if that was somehow misinterpreted.
I think anonymous needs time to heal.
I also have empathy for hkitten's frustration. At times it does seem as though someone who comes back to the same issue repeatedly is not getting it, is practicing self-abuse, is not getting out, is not making changes, etc. But I think we have to keep in mind that anon. is posting to this website over the course of only a few days, and change, real change, takes time. Right now, I think all we are doing is seeing her through a crisis moment. If she continues to accept this guy's behavior for months into the future, then, yes, that is self-abuse and would probably qualify her as someone who really doesn't want to get honest-to-god help. But I think you have to take into account that this all just came down on top of her not that long ago, and cut her (and yourself, when you're in a similar crisis) some slack.
;-)
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (6 March 2008):
Hey I hope you are doing ok and come back and let us know how you are going. I see you are getting your strength back and just want to say how proud I am of you. I left my abusive ex husband 3 years ago and there were many times I had this crazy thought of taking him back so the kids had their father in their life but the anger and realization that if I ever returned he would punish me for leaving kept me strong and focused on healing, recovering and moving forward and finding the beauty within me and gradually deprogramming my mind not to put myself down and discredit myself. That took me 2 years to not call myself dumb and not find fault in everything I did. Once you do the healing work the smile will return on your face. Being in domestic violence is much like being a prisoner and breaking free takes alot of strength and support and self love. Once I broke free I was suffering mental exhaustion panic attacks and was so indecisive. I will never forget the first day I did a grocery shop once I had left him. I stood in each section and faltered putting things in the trolley as when I was with him he would not allow me to buy rice and other items as the children made a mess with the rice as children do yet I loved cooking stir fry with rice. I stood there with tears welling in my eyes and the rice in my hand faltering thinking I want to buy this but I will get into trouble. Then gradually with each shop I slowly bought one item he would not allow to have in the house and left out items he insisted I buy that I did not want the kids eating like white bread and bought brown bread and got my strength slowly back. Now I buy what I want but still have not got over the hurdle of the $200 magic figure. The ex would only allow me to spend less than $200 on groceries for the fortnight with 4 children and the two of us to feed. If I went over then he would take the keys to the other car and take the kids to school and basically ground me to the house. So I used to suffer panic attacks at the checkout. No one knew I was having a panic attack I could just feel my heart palpitating and my ears would ring and I would sweat and go clammy. Now 3 years on from that I do not know that woman I was but I feel for her and all other women going through domestic violence and I am now a domestic violence worker assisting women and children to escape this situation. Domestic violence is the gradual and systematic breaking down of a person's sense of self through various forms of insidious manipulation through power and control. If you are out there please post and let us know you are ok.
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 March 2008):
And you dont know me or my brothers situation, yet you judge that we should be getting him help. Hahaha! You think we havent? You answered the help statement on your own, if they dont want help, they wont take help.
Sorry if you saw it as insulting, but where are you heading with the way you are dealing with this? Yes compassion should be offered to people that are down, but unless they take steps to help themselves, mch like the drug addict, then you just go round in circles.
Society have got sympathy for people that are mistreated, but comparing yourself to rape victims is pretty terrible in itself, and i'm sure they will be offended by that.
Its great to offer compassion to someone but if they are wallowing, where do you draw the line before telling them, if they dont do something about it, its never going to get better.
You asked for opinions on here, if you dont like what you hear because its not what you want to hear, then no, this possibly isn't the site to be on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Hey posterPlease don't give up on this forum I think its hepled soo much. I think you have misunderstood what hkitten was trying to say as I am in same situation posted anon. yes it is like an addiction with all the drama and yes you are correct who would want to live like this but you become so tired (pills) and confused thinking about it all you sometimes think its easier just to keep it all to yourself. Please don't do this take all the answers and take what you need from them.I hope to see you back positive and stronger, btw hkitten I think you give very good advice maybe just a off day for the poster but i am sure you both have much in common keep up the good workbest wishes to you both and women should stick together x
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female
reader, jenna34 +, writes (6 March 2008):
I don't think anyone in this situation is ready to help others regarding abuse like a professional would so pericles missed the point on that one. I think we all know what happens in an abusive relationship, it's called BATTERED WOMAN's SYNDROM!!! That's obvious. I've been in a abusive relationship for yrs and one thing that is getting me out of it is sharing stories in my group with other women about it, I help them and they help me get through it. She is so in a position to help others who are going through her pain so anonymous, please continue to share just like others are doing here. u are very strong person and don't let others tell you what you can't do to get stronger!! I loved hearing ur story because now I know others go through it, you helped me tremendously! I'm not ready yet but I will be. But i sure won't let anyone tell me i "am not in a position to help". You helped me better than anyone. thank you. I will get mad just like you one day but now i am too sad.
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reader, pericles +, writes (6 March 2008):
I think, to provide some balance, that it needs to be said that the original poster is right about one thing in particular: abusive relationships do lower your self-esteem gradually over time, to the point where when you are finally immersed in crisis, and everything is falling down around you (the pivotal moment when everything is finally, devastatingly, wrong and clear and in your face--the Tower experience in the Tarot), that your lowered self-esteem denies you the ability to feel strong or act in a such a way that indicates you are sane or in control of your emotional state.
I agree that we should not blame the victim, ever, but I also agree that society really does perpetuate these perceptions of women (or men in this situation) AS victims to start with. You feel incredibly vulnerable at these times in your life, right or wrong. Getting out of the situation DOES take incredible strength. And this is just the first step, really. You have to take into account the sadness and depression all of this brings on. I'm not sure anyone in this situation is ready to help others just yet.
with compassion to everyone here, because we all are only doing our best in the moment....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will respond again in case my last answer did get come through.
3 times i tried to get hlkitten answer removed, but it was not taken off so i responded, i found it offensive, and judgemental.
It is my right to state my opinion, as it was not removed and could mis-direct future readers with the same problem.
Some anwsers are positive and helpful, RCN was brilliant and had compassion in helping to get me out of the situiation, inspirational.
You mis-understood. What i am saying is women who have been in thoses situations can end up in abusive relationships, and i am talking FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!
Therefore i am not going to expose myself to this anymore.
Thankyou RCN and the other aunts who contributed positively and compassionately, you will go on to help many people in your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is my last post, i will not continue on this forum again.
You have mis-understood.
What i am saying is women who have experienced these things can end up in abuseive relationships because of their past.
I have a right to state my opinion,and speak from personal experience.
RCN was extreamly helpful and understanding in a compassionate way by helping me see the light and helping me break free. ( no way suggesting i stay in the situation)
I will be enternally grateful to RCN for that.
The problem is with this site, some answers can do more harm than good, things can get mis-interpreted, misunderstood.
3 times i tried to get hltkitten anwser removed but it was not taken off, so i responded.
If the person who has posted the question and finds an anwser ,extreamly offensive and judgemental then surely it is the orginally posters right to have the answer removed, so that any future readers are not misdirected in the same way, and it will be benefical to others.
This is what keeps a site positive instead of destructive.
I am not going to expose myself to any more of this. Thankyou RCN and the other aunts who are able to commuicate in a compassionate way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Htskitten.I found your answer to be demorilising and destructive.It is only now i feel strong enough to respond. The reason i am doing this is for any women who come after me who need help with getting out of what i now realize was a verbal, and emotionally abusive relationship.I have a degree, i am an educated women, but being in abuseive relationship wears you down, your self esteem, your saneity,on top of that, your anwser i felt was very judgemental.I am not addicted to drama,nobody would choose to be unhappy on purpose. What you wrote was completely inaccurate, you do not know me, i was mearly stateing what had occured.I had my phone changed before, only to be fooled by my ex, who asked me to go round and collect a plant because he was moving, and when i went out of the room he went down my bag to get my number, his excuse being he was just ringing it to find his phone, very sneakey.Secondly,he turned up outside my house when i was coming home from my mothers, i didnt ask for that, why it is you where so quick to judge me? when he is the abuser here.Women live in the hope that their partners will change. It is easier to turn a mobile off at night rather then getting a call on your home number at 5.00am in the morning.You said that your brother takes cocaine, how can you of all people stand by and watch this happen? I tried get my ex-partner help but he was in denial, and he changed over the years very gradually, you dont notice it.I think you should be getting your brother help now.My advice to you is if you have nothing positive to say and want to kick someone when they are down then you need to take a look at your own life and make changes their first.I came to site for help and i can say i found people to compassionate, helpful and understanding, your answer has put me off posting, however for the sake of women who come after me, i turned to a book instead for emotional support !I have chucked out the valuim, and am stronger emotionally. You need to direct blame back to where it cam from,instead of ( blameing the victim)You should ask your self not why women go back to abusive relationships but why society allows this kind of abuse to continue in your attuide and perception blame the victim.I am and have always been a survivor! I have sucessfully walked away , know with my head held high I refuse to let anyone put me down for their ignorance.Would you blame a victim of child sexual abuse, a rape victim? I think not.( they are heroic survivours of the human spirit, and as such should be honored as so.)
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 March 2008):
You're addicted to drama. I would go see the doc and see about some counselling, to find out why. I dont think anything will change until you figure out why you need all this melodrama in your life. Its very self destructive. And could be very dangerous in the long run.
Anyone else would of changed their numbers long ago. You know the reason why you havent.
Think about it hard. As opose to thinking about him. Good luck.
C xxxxx
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 March 2008):
She said she'll make you a big cookie. She's a good kid 13, and my little drama queen. She cooks when she visits because I tend to start fires, burn things. I burnt off my eye brows bbq'ing. She said I'm grounded from cooking.
Look at what he's done to you and continues to do. My thoughts would be, "he's her problem now." Do you really enjoy or want to have a relationship with a drug user? I can't believe this girl is in it with him. They need to stop playing childish games. Do you want to be with a man or a boy. They guy who left you is not quite what I'd consider to be a man.
My daughter said if you want your cookie, you have to move the U.S.
If any further contacts happen, I'd seriously consider getting that restraining order against both of them. Making phone calls like that. I could really imagine 2 adults, like makeing prank calls, snickering in the background, and getting excited by causing trouble. He has some growing up to do, and if you're looking for something real that you can trust and be excited to be part of, I don't think he's in any position of provide you with that.
take care.
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female
reader, pericles +, writes (2 March 2008):
replace the thoughts about him with thoughts about YOU. What do you want from life? What do you want to do with your life? Is there anything you like to do? Think about something, anything, that isn't him. He's not worth your mental energy. This is an addiction. Call a supportive friend. Watch TV, if you can. Anything that takes your mind off the situation. Surf online...! Anything!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI so needed that cookie,thank you.After whats just happen again 30 minutes ago. My home number just rung and a message just left on my home phone music playing ( you dont love me anymore - followed by a womens creul laughter. I dont no who's mobile number it is.I phone it and the music again and then the phone is put down. Then no reply.I know who it is, its Anna the other women. I phone her and just listen: my ex boyfriend is down the pub with her and a guys voice says "so Mark what are you going to do now? Mark words are slurred and replys"i dont now i havent done anything. Oh anna you got an withheld number. she laughs, it your ex.Hes with her now down the pub, drinking, taking drugs and getting other people to phone my home number and hurt me.Its gotta stop now.I ve just phoned my mother and told her i have to get my mobile and home number changed. Ive tried to change it now but its night and their closed.I will turn off my mobile and leave the phone off the hook and tomorrow get the numbers changed for good.why did he want to torture me even more? hes with her, she can have him. enough pain.My first reaction was rage, revenge, anger,now its just where will it stop ?Get all phones changed,dont open the door to him and then their is nothing more he can do.im crushed to know hes their with her at the moment,but i know from his slurred words i heard hes on coke (a classic sign)which will turn to arrongance then anger.I need to get rid of the thoughts that he will go home with her tonight,what do i replace the thought with, help.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 March 2008):
You did good. You let him know you're not a toy he can just toss asside when he wants a variety. I'm proud of you for standing up to him and not caving in. (my daughter said you deserve a cookie.)
Standing up for yourself is a huge step in taking control and teaching people that they can not treat you that way and that you're not going to stand for being mistreated. It can get hard, but this is about you and not who you by doing it.
You've been through some trials here, and I'd have to say you've passed them all. It's amazing when something like this happens to find how strong people really can be. Keep it up. The end result will pay much more than the pain is giving you now. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDay 23: Hes just turned up at my house!!!I had forced myself to go see my mother becasue it mothers day , ive just driven home and then their in his car outside my house is my ex!!!!!!!I get out of my car and walk to my door.he follows me.I turn to face him.He says" have you just been to your mums? i nod, no words will come out of my mouth, my heart, the pain.im shocked, speachless.He says" im not happy about how it eneded after 7years, not a good way to end,I was passing from my mothers, how are you? I look at him in disbelief. you where seeing me and your ex,you where seeing both of us!Not when i was with you he says. Did you go round there? I may bump into her, he says. I said you promised me if you ever saw her again at christams you promised to tell me, you broke that promise.He says " she was jealous, of us getting back togeher. she was drunk and said it to spight you. I said what have i done to her?I said you lied to both of us. What has she dumped you? I said you cheated on me, no he says not when i was with you. I said after seven years your loyality should have been with me. I said do you know what its like to to be told on the phone that you where sleeping with both of us,do you understand the depth of that pain? i start to cry He said "yes i understand."Anger fills my whole being, how could he ever know when its never been done to him. I say "Get out of my life ! your scum!"I walk in doors in disbelief and hurt.I turn my back on him and walk away.
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reader, pericles +, writes (2 March 2008):
Hi there--I'm new to this forum and this discussion. I had to say, after having read all the posts, that you've come a long way in a short period of time. I too, not all that recently (it's been 5 months) was left by someone I could not trust. It took me approximately 4 months to stop crying, blaming myself, etc. However, in a matter of a few days recently, I began to really SEE that this person was absolutely not worth the emotion I had put into the previous months of self-inflicted agony. I have to say, rcn has it exactly right; it's not having the feeling that you're filled up with something else that pre-disposes you to feeling like this very flawed guy is somehow the answer to your problems, and could make you feel better again. It IS an addiction. What sets us up for the feeling of emptiness that is looking to be filled comes from years of other abuses that weaken us and weaken our spirits. You haven't discussed your deep past, your childhood, for example. Not that you need to. But just know that if your childhood and adulthood have been filled with moments that broke you down, that weakened your self-concept, no amount of valium or trying to tough this out pretty much on your own will work. I think we all agree that building yourself back up, piece by piece, through work, children, or volunteering (for example), sounds good, but if you're not ready, and all you can do is lie in bed until you ARE ready, then that's all you can do. What I have learned from this extraordinarily painful experience, this breakup that left me absolutely devastated, is that I was not whole to begin with; that my strength had been compromised by too many things that weakened me without my being consciously aware of it, so that when the break came, I really truly wanted to die. Just writing these words is hard to admit to, but it's the truth. The man who made the decision to move on away from me did not have the power to "make" me feel this way; I felt this way because I could not have felt any other way at the time, given who I was a few months ago. Now, however, having had this time to heal, I am grateful to him for having "dumped" me, although there is still pain and loss every single day. I also realise all the ways in which he was covertly hurting me. He drank too much (6-7 pints of Guinness a day, minimum) while taking anti-depressants, and wouldn't do what he said he was going to do. He didn't keep promises, and was generally unreliable. I think addicted people (and it took going to a therapist for me to really understand that this poor man is an alcoholic) are toxic even though they are charming and dependent and make us feel needed. Unfortunately, the feeling needed part is a huge trap. Everything this man has done to you has made you feel you cannot trust him. I learned that that lack of trust is enough to cause the damage you're feeling now. Your world is unstable; his behavior is crazy-making. You didn't cause him to use coke--that was his decision. Know that getting healthy and being away from him feels like shit, but is the best decision you can make for yourself. I am going on at length because when you're hurting, reading someone else's thoughts can feel like clinging to a life raft, otherwise I'd keep this short. Also, it's helping me get clear on some feelings I've been holding in. Every day, little by little, I am feeling so much healthier without this person who had become my world. I NEEDED him, and that is such a bad place to be in. I lost him because I needed him, and because he was not strong enough to be needed at a point in my life where I was leaving a bad marriage to go live with him, 5000 miles away; he could not, would not give me reassurance that his feelings for me were strong enough to say, out loud, how he felt about me. The few times I've heard from him ever since he has made it a point to tell me how he feels about me, since he knows that's a big reason why I lost faith in him. But every time I hear from him, although it's few and far between, the wound has been re-opened. So, I understand what you're going through. Thanks for letting me share this with you all--it helps a lot. And I KNOW you're going to be fine. Be kind to yourself. The best advice my therapist gave me was to be gentle with myself; to ask myself what _I_ wanted, not what _he_ wanted (so hard to remember when your self-esteem has been compromised); and to take it one day at a time. It may seem obvious, but it's taken me months to realise the obvious, which is that time really does heal. Every day gets a little easier. And it will for you too. See if you can completely shut off contact with him; I know it feels horrible, like coming off the drug, but if you can shut him out, the pain recedes and you start to heal faster. If not, the wound keeps re-opening. The other thing to ask yourself is, if you had a daughter, would you ever want for her what you're dealing with? The answer is likely, no, you would want something so much better for her than what you have with him. As rcn said, remember your dreams. They will guide you back to the path. ;-)
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reader, rcn +, writes (2 March 2008):
As I've said before, this broken feeling that doesn't seem to disappear is not because of the guy who wasn't nice. Quite often we use the affections of someone to fulfill a void feeling within ourselves because another area of our sense of self needs to be built. Others explain it as being off balance. Balance creates pure happiness, an internal happiness that doesn't need someone else to fulfill for you. There are times where I miss having someone here. I'm still happy, all though I remain single.
What I used to get into balance was using roles. Too often we focus on what it priority right now, then we let other areas slip, which are ultimately just as important as what is today. Your roles would be first to yourself, education, to parents, friends, employment, religion, and the list can go on depending on you. In each area there are four areas of focus. (1) Spiritual (2) Social (3) emotional (4) physical. You would then take each role, for example, my role as a parent. Spiritual I work on building our faith and working with eachother. Social, I meet friends and parents of friends of my kids so they can associate outside school, which I schedule play dates and little parties for them. Emotional, always listening to them and problems and working together to solve conflict in an appropriate manner where we both feel good about the result. Physical, we go to the park. 3-4 days a week we take a walk just to enjoy our time.
Everything we do is scheduled. I pull out a calendar and mark down time with them so nothing will interfere with our time together.
By doing this you eliminate picking what is not beneficial at the time and spending quality time working on all areas of your life, building and enhancing friendships and relationships with others. This will strengthen all areas of you. It builds your self esteem, strengthens your character, and creates a sense of self that you can be proud of in just being you.
We can't just strip away your pain, but tools in making slight changes can greatly decrease how long you are exposed to it. I want you to get better and be a strong person for yourself. I would have given you this earlier but I don't think you were quite ready. You are now because you realize it's over, so now reality has hit, which puts you in a position to make great changes.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): god u know this is me i feel i am just gettin over the arce and he pops back up againi am really concerned that you are taking these tablets the wrong way, should you not take 1 at night to help you sleep and 1 in the morning just to help you through, as at the end of the day this is just a short term fix, as these are addictive. BTW i have used these so i am not saying don't use them but don't become used to them.do not reply to his txt hang up the phone when he calls he will soon get the message.hope this helps you remeber you are not alone ( micheal jackson lol) always try and keep your S.O.H. it releases toxins in your brain that try to keep you sane.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): hi dearI think this is a process you have to go through to come out the other end stronger.Self-hatred as you feel weak and alone YOU ARE NIETHER OF THES, so please put these thoughts from your head.Also being alone is going to help you in the longterm as this is your fear, you think everyone is out there being happy!!!! I think you should spend more time with your mother and family, they are the ones who will stand by you and this should ease the loneliness. Do you work? I am asking as if the bills are comming in do you have enough money to pay them? if not contact jobcentreplus see if your entltled to any benefits or enquier about money advice help. You really need to elimanate stress from your life including the ex and then you will start to feel much better and stronger. I know you can do this please have faith in yourself we are all rootin for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally realized this morn, its over and I sobbed with pain that wouldn't stop. I took another 6 valuim. broken. Slept all day and woke up feeling a bit better. Then now 10pm at night its here. The text has come from him. 22 days after. HE Texted: are you alright? I have not replied. I'm broken and vulnerable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou RCN your a rock of strenght.
I will talk to my mums friend as she is real inspiration of how to keep going forward.
Thankyou RCN for being their, you make the world of difference.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 March 2008):
I know it's not easy, and it's not going to be quickly fixed. Your feelings are out of need or desire. What I'm trying to get you to realize is to build your personal happiness. These feelings you have are wanting someone to "make" you happy. No one else can make you happy, at least not to a satisfying level. False happiness is a come and go form of happiness. I want to see you being happy just being you. Developing a sense of appreciation for small things that don't cost money. I can sit outside and just enjoy the beauty, without having to do much.
You need to stop blaming yourself and stop punishing yourself from what happened. If he is out being happy with her, let him. Don't hang and play it as something aweful. you deserve happiness, but your talking yourself out of that right. It's your right to be happy. No one can take away that right. One thing that happens when in and out of relationships is that you stay with you. I could care less about your ex and what he's doing or if he's happy doing it, what I care about is you and you're building your strength back up and finding you don't need him or anyone to really achieve personal happiness. I dont agree with what happened to you, but it did, it's now in the past but you keep it in the present, which is preventing you from really healling and moving on.
I'm sorry your time is not going we for you. Coming to the point of really getting over events can be difficult too. It's not an easy process, but in the end the process is worth the time spent to do it. I wish you a wonderful weekend. You may talk to your moms friend as well. The manner by which grief and loss is dealt with is done the same way with a death as it is with what's going on with you. She may have some insite I haven't been able to give you that will be great benefit. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm struggling.
Ive been forceing myself to do things, just trying to march on then the loneliness hits me and the emptyiness in my the pit of my stomach.
Im trying so hard to remain positive, i just feel alone.
Ive tried contacting some frinds but they are going through a hard time themselves at the moment.
I live completely on my own, use the computer form home and am really feeling isolated.
The bills are in and im struggling, cant go out wwithpout any money.My other friend has 3kids so cant drop everything.
So im in a box room, and ended up taking 4 valuim because i just started to cry with the pain.
In my head i keep seeing him out with her having a great time and me in on my own.
I feel like ive gone into a deep depression and desperately need to pull myself out.
Im going to take my mothers friend to her sons grave on sunday, mothers day, to give some flowers. she has been through hell and back and then i feel why the hell im i so sad, when i should be greatful.
Ive got selfhatered kicking in on me, , just get up and do something, beaTING MYSELF UP, SNAP OUT OF IT!
Any postive ways to cope with how i am feeling and what i need to do to help myself would be truly welcome.
Im reading all the time, learning but i feel i need help,i dont wont to shovel valuim down me just to try and get on with things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both of you.Really helpful positive answers.I cried and went to bed early,didnt want to take any valium,so just slept.Then the answers came: and a new day,new dawn and a new way to view the challenge.Thank you for your perspectives. I will remember these views and use the guidance you have given.Thank you for being there and truly making a difference in my state of mind for the better.Hugs.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 February 2008):
It fairly humerous when someone gets together with someone who's cheating is starts out as the other woman, then when it happens to them, they just can't figure out why he wouldn't treat them different than they did the last one. Can people change? Of course they can. But from what you said about your ex and what's he's been doing, I don't think he's among the changing few.
A true relationsihp isn't abusive, it isn't about the sex, or even the companionship. A true relationship is strength. Two people who have the ability to overcome any obstical they face, that they'd have difficulty doing alone. It's about family, and a "magical" bond between two people. I've seen families who don't have much, they don't have huge finances or many material posessions, but they're always gathering on days off and celebrating just being a family and being together. When visiting their homes, you can almost feel a sense of strength as you enter their space. It's amazing being around those families and teaches us unconditional love.
I see so many that have the belief just because a male can take "a" and insert it into "b", they must be compatable and have a strong relationship. If that's all it took, there wouldn't be sites like this.
I keep talking about knowing and inprove yourself. I do so for a reason. When your in a relationship, the foundation from your end, 1/2 of the strength comes from your and your sense of self. Too often one person, or both are lacking within their own being, therefore hoping the other person will compensate for the area they are lacking. The end result is a relationship with a weak foundation that will end up cracking and crumbling at some point.
There is also a trend of motion pictures released. The romance films, or "chick flicks." Good for entertainment, but not a good model to judge a real life relationship. There can be the magical fairy tale type relationships, but they have to be created. In all places, and all situations we have the ability to create our own experience. Even when we're board, that happens because we allow it too. We can take those situations and turn them into an exciting moment in our lives just by changing the way we view it.
I have come to accept in my life that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. What matters is how I view myself. I have also come to accept that there are some things in this world that we are not meant to have the ability to explain, and we won't know the answers too. Your spending too much time trying to figure out him and why he took the direction he did. Not being him, that's something you may never be able to figure out. Some actions people take are unexplainable except for the people who make the choice. Our role is to figure out ourselves and the choices we make. We may not agree with someone else, and their decisions, and their decisions may even be against our personal morals. It's not our place to judge them, just to make sure our decisions fit within what's right for us.
There is another element to making decisions. I live by a simple rule. It's not okay to do something that has a negative affect on someone else. It's not my right to treat others in a negative manner or to judge the way they act or behave. It's my job to act according to my beliefs and to raise my children with respect for themselves and the space of others.
I don't cheat, because it violates my beliefs, I don't abuse others, because it violates my beliefs. With who I am, I also don't allow being mistreated. I'm too important to myself to compromise who I am for the selfish gain of another. In a relationship, it's a partnership. No one better than the other. No one selfishly taking from the other. Neither one has the right to harm the other person mentally or physically. This isn't always automatic, but it is a set of beliefs that everyone in a relationship has the right to demand. You don't have to allow anyone to treat you less than that. If they feel different, their not the person for you.
Just remember that his life now shouldn't matter to you. It's a chapter in your life that's come to a close. What changes you personlly make will have a lifelong positive impact on future decisions and who you attract as a partner. I have faith that you'll find that someone and wish you the "magic" you deserve. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Hiya
Just words od encouragement from someone going through the exact same as you, although i am the ex of 18yrs we split & he with someother poor soul for 4yrs now. he always comes back to me but today and its been building up for a longtime I told him I AM DONE!!
I had thought the same as yours will he treat her better, does he love her more, who's lying bla bla BELIEVE ME NONE OF THIS IS RELEVANT! he's been CAUGHT the worst is over. Now you know he will be back, it will take time for you to get over this am not gona lie but you will get over it. think of all the bad,rotten horrible hurtful thing he done to you, keep them in your mind when you think of him, tell yourself you are strong you don't need/want him in your life, use this like a mantra lol it works!
You will have the last laugh dear as his time is up hopefully the aunts on this site will guide you through to a better life and happines in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm feeling like i could really use some positive guideance.
My heart is hurting and phyiscally in pain.
Im trying to do everthing, keep busy, learn stuff, keep positive, focus,then its quite and its just me and i cry.
My mind keeps trying to go over what happened to make sense of it. Is he with her now? What would it matter as he still treated you bad. Im fighting in my head, and i just want to be held and told... it gonna be all right.....
Im not a victim, im a survivor, and have been throught something a million times worse than this and still got thought it alive.
What do i do with this pain in my heart? Will he treat her as bad as he did me? Do abuser change with other people?
I feel their was no proper closer, just unaswered lies from him.You have to understand that ive grieved about 7 times then in a month he turnes up on the doorstep
I want to move on, please guide me to do this..im crying again and i dont want to be like this. I need to control my thoughts to a more positive view.RCN are you their?
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (22 February 2008):
Going to the library is such a positive step for you. Arming yourself with as much literature on emotionally abusive relationships will have a twofold effect. One it will provide you with information on all the tools manipulative people use to soul destroy you and it may make you have mixed feelings of anger, sadness, relief that you are not in the situation any more. I was like a sponge for information once I had some dv counselling as I did not realise the tools he used until I left. Then the anger hit me with myself and his treatment towards me. Then with support and information I was able to enlighten myself and get back to how I was before the abusive relationship. It does take time but you will get through it. I can sense you are feeling lonely and this man asking you out for a drink is good but I would meet him during the day for coffee as you are still healing and take things slowly. When the time comes I would explain very early on in the relationship that you have been in an abusive relationship and you will not tolerate bad behaviour and that you will recind any friendship is such behaviour is noted in that person. That is your right to have a healthy stable loving relationship. Another thing that got me through is going to the gym. I am going to a female only gym which has its pros and cons. Harness your happiness and make it your daily goal to smile and be happy and make it your daily hobby. Once your ex notices the positive changes in you he will up the ante as he is losing CONTROL and no abusive person likes giving up their power. We have a really good statement at work which says THE QUICKEST WAY TO GIVE UP YOUR POWER IS TO THINK YOU DON'T HAVE ANY. Also the best way I found to get through my ex was not to see myself as a victim of his behaviour but a survivor. Victims lose their power but a survivor has hope for the future. One day at a time. Remember each day is a new beginning. A new creation and a new miracle. Keep smiling keep laughing and strive to be happy because you are beautiful and you will strengthen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou koraulan for your lovely words.
I feel i have a lot to learn from you.
Im realizeing its a bumpey road, with extream highs and lows.
I felt terrible yesterday, very lonely and i forced myself to go to the library.
I looked for books to try to helpmyself recover,: how to Survive a break up, verbal abusive relationships, Life coaching etc.
By coincidence i got chatting to a guy in the same section of books,we hit if off, and our interests where similar.
Anyway, hes asked me out for a drink. Its just nice to have a possible friend , with a guy who shares your interests and didnt put me down and was very understanding.
I statred reading the books and it is only now i realize how abusive the realationship was.
It had got to the point where he would ( his words :TAP)
me to get my attention. Bascially hit me with the back of his hand.. I asked him not to do it but he just said you dont listen, so i have to get you attention.
Thats where it was heading.
Also i thought their must have been something wrong with me, that i didnt understand him, but reading the books and being out of the situation i see it him who was (crazymaking) me.
Like RCN hightlighted, abuse is subtle. I am learning so much in a positive direction and i thankyou for your knowledge,inspiration , wisdom, personal experience and compassion.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (22 February 2008):
Wow it sounds like you have been through alot of pain in your seven years with this coke addicted man. I would say the selfishness within him was present before the cocaine and the cocaine has just emphasised it and enhanced this personality trait. Rcn has wonderful words of wisdom for you and you seem to be growing stronger each day. It gets easier with each time you put the boundaries up. Manipulative people will see a boundary as a hurdle to jump over and get through. Each time he finds the side door or another route to bypass your boundaries fortify them and just keep repeating yourself to him that you do not want to be treated with disrespect and you will not engage in conversation with anyone who treats you unkindly. Harness your inner strength and take the next few months to do some self care strategies. Make a list of all the things which make you happy and even make new ideas up to get happiness back within yourself. I have been thinking about you often and know that there are people who care about you. When I left my abusive ex husband I thought I would never recover but through maintaining my boundaries and at times tightening them I am now free. It took a good 8 months for him to get the message that I will not be treated like dirt. One of my things on my self care list was to set my alarm for the sunrise and sit with my coffee on my patio and watch the beautiful colours emerging in the sky before me. My faith got me through and the thought that each day is a new creation. A new miracle. Keep smiling mate.
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reader, rcn +, writes (19 February 2008):
Dang girl 40 smokes a day. I can't say much, on stressful days when I smoked, I'd do around that. You're right, being in an emotionally abusive relationship it's sometimes difficult for the person in it to see. These guys use subtle changes, then when your comfortable with the new them, they add a bit more.
It sounds like you are grabbing this new opportunity and taking control. I'm proud of you for doing so. It takes strength at times to just say, that's enough. I'm very happy for you and look forward to some positive results from time to time. Keep us updated.
Take care.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (19 February 2008):
Hey thats great! 40 a day and even after all this crap going on, you still didnt start again???!!!! Now THATS something good!
And as for the manipulation, i know what you mean. I cant remember if i mentioned it in this thread, i wont check, but my recent ex was very manipulative in our relationship, i made many decisions to get out, he manipulated his way back in, the pattern went on for a long time. Everyone in his life has a use to him and i got fed up with him not being able to stand on his own 2 feet. Even as mates after we split most times, i would still be doing things for him. He must of had a list stashed somewhere. I realised in the end he didnt really want to just stay mates, that was no use to him in the long run so called off the friendship so we can BOTH move on. This weekend just gone he kept hurling abuse in txt, admittedly at first i retaliated back. Then told him in detail (sarcastically) how to delete my number from his phone, said to him, there you go, im still having to wipe your but for you, and stated i was bored playing now and will be changing my number, its free for people that have stupid drunks that keep wanting to play games harassing them, and instead of responding with the same as he was doing, i just kept replying yawn yawn yawn to every insult he hurled. he eventually said he would delete my number and i wouldnt hear from him again.
And so far so good! The freedom feeling is great! This time i'm not giving in!
Yipppeeeeee.
C xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to say a big thankyou to all of you.The next day the ex phoned and hurled abuse at me.I calmly said if he ever phones me again, i will call the police.Then i looked up on internet about , manipulation ,intimadation etc and it came up with an emotionally abusive relationship.I could tick off the criteria, every single one. Even though you are in it, you cant see it.Then it dawned on me. All the bad times came flooding back, one after another.Whenever i think of him ,i just rememeber how creul he was to me. It was only misery and pain and now i feel relief.Ive re-focued. Wrote down in my diary the things i want in life, and am putting these in action.Im taking it a step at a time.Just like when i gave up my 40 -aday cigeratte habit( the seventh time of trying ) and now -One year and 4months ago since ive given up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I still battle with it every day but now i am a hundred times better off without it, just like the ex.Thankyou for guideing me to the light.Eternally grateful to you all.
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reader, rcn +, writes (16 February 2008):
I know you're in pain and hurting. If I could waive a wand and erase it, I would. I'm not sorry I went through what I had. If I never experienced it, I probably wouldn't be her talking to you. I didn't begin learning about behaviors becuase I thought it would be a cool thing to learn. I did so because of experience.
You need to forgive yourself for your faults. Realize faults are not permanent, if you don't allow them to be. The most important rule in making personal changes is it has to be for you. That's why so often when people say "honey don't worry I'll change." It doesn't last. Their motive behind the change is weak. I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least one fault. I still have a handfull myself. It's OK that I do. It's OK that you have faults. No one is perfect. You're powerful all ready. You recognize your faults. If your ex recognized his, he wouldn't be placing blame on you. It can be hard when we take a good look at personal accountability. Even though it's hard, it's the true foundation of integrity.
I'll tell you what. We've all ready established that you're hurt, and the amount of pain you're going through. Everyone her sympothizes with what you're going through. In your next post, tell me, what do you want to accomplish? What areas of your life do you want to change? What faults or habbits do you want to turn around? Asside from getting over this pain, what is really important to you?
Now I don't know weather to say good night, or good morning. It's 11:13 PM here, so it's time for my bed. I know it's a weekend, I still go by the phrase "early to bed, early to rise, until you can afford to do otherwise."
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou rcn
Your words always bring clarity.
Im not an angry person and its only after that i realize what ive done in responce.
Im so sorry that you had experience this type of pain in your life.
I wish i could be stronger and take the higher road, but im human.im a human being with my own faults.
Im hurt,crushed,and just didnt want to be stepped on anymore.
Your right, i thought what would my cat do with a watch and a hat! its laughable really.
Sometimes your in something so deep you cant see the wood from the trees.it takes an outside perspective to reveal whats really going on.
On the phone when i questioned him he kept saying shut up! shut up! Cocaine addicts hold you hostage.so you end up behaving in a totally differnt maner from who you are,you end up questioning your own saneity.
In all of this youve been the voice of reason and i respect you for your wisdom.
Im hurting and in pain.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 February 2008):
U where wrong, give my watch and hat to the cat???? Now you're not in the wrong, just like the cat can't wear a watch, unless it's got some muscular legs.
Do you understand what manipulation and intimidation is? It's an act. A conscious choice to use words or actions to induce a certain (generally sefish) response, not because they want to respond that way, they either feel guilty or afraid not too. Why does this continue, because he knows he can get at you by doing it.
Do you believe not taking responsability for your actions and blaming others is a form of lying, possibly in an indirect manner?
When he says "you're wrong" don't argue with him, that's what he wants. He loves the fact that he makes you angry. I would simply tell him "Please don't contact me, I don't want to associate with anyone who talks to me that way, thank you." If it then continues, tell him, "last warning, if it continues, I'll have to speak to an officer about this harrassment."
Let me just tell you a little bit of my story. I was with someone for a year, who had mental issues. Very violent mental issues. I'm sure she cheated, I know she was looking for a sexual thing with another woman. Quite often when put in situations like this, people tend to give up and cheat on that person. I was living in hell,but not once did I consider cheating. The reason for that is, cheating is not who I am. It's not part of my beliefs, or my character. So why by the actions of someone else would I compromise my integrity and character because of the inappropriate behaviors of another.
In your case, are you generally an angry person? Look at what your doing and the anger you're carying. If that's not who you are as a person, then why allow the behaviors of this "wanna be man" cause you to lower your standards of being? Be strong and tell yourself that you refuse to lower who you are and compromise your integrity to satisfy the response he's looking for.
Remember you need to take care of yourself first. Before you do anything else, any more dating, etc. You need to work on building your self esteem back up. Be strong for yourself. I can't even emphasize enough how important personal strength is. Decisions become stronger, dealing with issues become easier. A strong mind will develop strong solutions. I belive in you. I know you can do it. It's a step at a time, and this incident makes it one less challenge you'll have to face to get through this.
Take care.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (15 February 2008):
It sounds as though you have reached the crucial milestone in your life in where you have realised that no amount of good and love coming from your side is going to change him. Sometimes beautiful warm caring women have to reach absolute rock bottom before they can recover and you will SURVIVE. This long process will strengthen you and I admire your strength for seeking support from all of us to get through this. I encourage you to get ongoing domestic violence counselling support from a worker experienced in this area. You are a survivor and 7 years at the hands of this man will take years to get through but you will get through it. I did. Now I am enjoying a healthy happy stable relationship of equality with a man who treats me as his equal. Remember you are beautiful you are unique you are worthy of love and respect and you will have all these things in time. Time is the greatest healer and you will become a stronger more beautiful women through this. The only way to recover is to do the work and go through the storm.Find a support group for women who have experience abuse in relationships. Our centre is currently running a support group called women who HEAR. Acronym for have experience abuse in relationships. Draw strength from others who have gotten through it and you will see that you CAN DO IT. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinally today, im up and doing things.
Then an hour ago he textes me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Always love you etc etc U where wrong, give my watch and hat to the cat.
I texted him, the watch is smashed and he lied about seeing her, even if he didnt sleep with her.
Then he texts back saying she did it out of spight, lied to me that she slept with him.
Im filled with Rage.
Hell hath no fury like a women scorned.
Im on her on to her mobile, vile comes out of me, im crazed with anger.
Ive always taken the pain,but this time im fighting back.
I then phone her brother and say why did your sisteR LIE AND SAY SHE SLEPT WITH MY BOYFIREND, SHE NEEDS HELP,WHO DOES THAT.
Im fuming with anger.
the ex then phones,says she lied.
i should have asked him first.
But he says ive made my choice so leave it.
None of this makes sense,he tells me to delete her number.
I question him, what she lied about all of it/
He says what dfference does it make.
what about seeing her, where you seeing her?
No answer came, no deniel.
Thats all i need to know.
He lies.
he most probs saw her,most probs trying to get back with her.but wants to blame me for it.
At least now i can say i walked away from a man who lied to me. I dont have to doubt myself. why would a women do this out of spight.Because he lied to both of us.
he lied to her saying he wasnt with me, and he lied to me.
Why couldnt he just have left it.
What have i become myself, vile.
Now the night begins and the torment of him out their.
I tell myself, ive walked away for a man who treated me crap, lied, cheated.
The pain begins again.
help.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 February 2008):
Your mom is correct, but tell her from me that if it's true love and meant to be, then your treated as if you are.
Take care, and if you need anything let me know
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant thank you all enough for helping me through this,youve all been wonderful.Thankgod for good ,kind people like you.I cant go to anyone else. My mother just said your not the only pebble on the beach.I do realize that. So, ive just gotta get on with it.Im listening to eurthymics (revival) fighting back.Untill the night comes again.Just a few words of encouragment can make a complete transformation to a person state of mind for the better. Your words have a made a difference in my life. Thank you so much.
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Hi
Hope you are feeling better today dear, my thoughts are with you know exactly what your going through, it's tough but you will make it.
Take Care
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (15 February 2008):
Very good positive attitude. Glad to hear it. Blimey he was a charmer wasnt he? not! Thats the best thing to do, keep reminding yourself how nasty he acrually was. And all those things...you deserved better.
I didnt realise he was on coke, unfortunately that makes even the nicest people very selfish. I love my little brother but hes a right sh** when hes bang on that. Nothing or no one is as important.
Steer clear of blokes that are taking any illegal drugs, i always have and still will.
Good luck now.
C xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts the 15th of febuaury at last!.
I thankyou you for your imput but crashed down to the floor and now its time to pick myself up.
I waited all day in pain, for a card, a text, a call anthing after 7 years and nothing came.
I took 2valuim, , then later another 2 and have just wokeup.
I was hanging on to the last hope which is now gone.
Some kind of proof that he loves me. But nothing came.
This is the man that told me if i ever got pregnant we would split up.The man who left me at a cab staion to get home myself. The man when my cat was nearlly dieing said he was on the other side of london and theirs nothing he could do. Two strangers helped me get the cat to the vet instead, and she survived.
When i had to call an amberlance after an allergic reaction, i couldn't go to the hosipital for tests as i new he wouldnt collect me and i'd be stranded.
Hes changed form the kind man i knew over the years, the cocaine has changed him. Hes arrogant,selfish and most probs with the other women tonight.
Ive hit the floor. ( no more valium because of him.)
I wasted 7years on this man.no matter how much loneiness is ahead, how much saddness, ive got walk on alone, im cut to the core but i cant take this creulity anymore.
Thankyou to you all for shareing with me.
Its time for me to get up and survive.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 February 2008):
Sorry you're having a hard time. Remember this is your life. He wasn't respecting it or who you are. It's not a matter of wanting to date, or be with someone, it's the principle of you being treated well, and not accepting anything less than that.
he's trying to use manipulation to change your direction. Be strong and don't let it work. You don't want to start playing his game again. It would only bring more pain than what you're afraid of now.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (13 February 2008):
Ok for him to say you are in shock has he followed you to the doctors to know that you are on valium? Also he is softening you up for valentines day. You are on a very heavy dose of medication BECAUSE OF HIM. When I left my abusive ex husband my nerves were shot to pieces from him stalking me and harrassing me and my doctor tried to put me on valium but i refused to go on saying I was like this because of him and I needed help not drugs. Valium is going to make it easer for you to succumb to him and it is addictive. What got me through was breathing into a brown paper bag when the panic attack hit me. Also please try this exercise it works. Sit down in a chair comfortably and say out loud 5 things you see.Then say out loud 5 things you hear. Then say 5 things you can feel touching your body ie clothes, chair,hair etc. Then say out loud 4 things you see hear and feel. Then say out loud 3 things you see hear and feel. Then 2 things, then 1 thing. By the time you get down to 1 thing you see hear and feel your mind will be more relaxed and your breathing also. Trust me I have been in your position. I have gone from carrying a brown paper bag everywhere with me to working as a domestic violence support worker. It took my ex about 6 months and a domestic violence order and then two variations or upgrades to the order to get the message I was not interested in being treated like crap. He then took me to Family Court to have me declared insane and have the kids grow up with his mother in Victoria. He had a top notch lawyer and I represented myself in family court and I have the children. His lawyer cost his mother 26 thousand dollars and I still won. When the doctor tried to put me on valium he found out about it through the doctor's wife and then that's when he immediately hit me full tilt with family court. It took me 8 months to get the orders varied because he refused to turn up to court and then when he finally did it was to consent to the order WITHOUT ADMISSIONS. Hah what a chicken. So I got through my ex and his treatment, lost my house due to him not paying child support but I still won I got him out of my life sort out ie family court I have to put up with him for the sake of the children. and I am now working in a field to help other women because I do not want another woman to suffer like I did at the hands of a controlling male. Take care and don't talk to him till you are strong. You can do it. I believe in your strength.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 February 2008):
How far up his own ass is he?He didnt sound like he wanted to talk.He knows what buttons to press thats for sure, and exactly how you react, thats horrible. And a tad creepy!The power trip must be sensational for him!I wasnt pleasant to an ex when he rang after a few weeks of splitting, he certainly knew within seconds i wasnt going to be nice.We did end up back together again that time, if you are going to, it doesnt matter what you say unless they are doing it for control purposes. Which i have a feeling your ex is. I will be pleasant to my ex, but he knows i dont give a minkeys about him. Your ex knows you do.Hope you stay strong.C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The phone rung, I picked it thinking it was my mother. It him. I'm speechless in shock. He says" I've caught you unaware, probably a good thing because you wouldn't have picked up the phone. I was checking you are okay but you're probably in shock. I worry about you, are you okay?" I can't say a word, I'm petrified of the pain." okay I'll let you go, you're in shock," I put down the phone.It's starting again.HELP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I havent caved in to the ex, just emotionally broken.
Ive been to the doctors who has put me on valium as i jsut keep crying all the time.
I feel dreadful.
Im trying so hard to figth back, look to the future ,make a new life, but the thought keep acoming.
Valentines will be the worst,nothing will come ,no card, no nothing.It will hurt either way. Just gotta get past that day.Im a fighter, a survivor but i have to hit rock bottom before i get up.
I try to do things and burst into tears.
I need a focus to stop the thoughts of him coming back into my mind constantly.
Please help my mind ,help myself.
Thankyou for your post, it meant alot to me, when i feel so alone.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hey just wondering if you are ok and you haven't caved in and let him back in your life. Send us an update so we know you are ok.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 February 2008):
Your welcome, I hope everything works out for you. Anytime you need to chat, just let me know. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou RCN.
You are very accurate and understanding into how i am feeling.
You really should consider being paid for your advice as a full time carear, i value your imput.
Your positive words come back to me in my mind to balance the saddness im feeling.
I dont feel up to meeting anyone at the moment, but i have planned my valentines eve instead.
Ive brought an array of plants and will go into my garden and get back to nature gardening all eve.
Its very healing for me and gives me a sence of peace.
I know me well, i spend 2weeks crying in bed then get angry and get up and go " I will survive."
Its like going through grief to end it, this time for real.
For some reason ive been feeling alot of self hatred, i think im beating up myself for feeling this amount of pain.
I do need to work on my self estem. At the moment i feel battered, but will get myself to the library, to help myself.
Thankyou for your kindeness, you help a great,great deal.
Your all helping me to get through,thankyou sincerely.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 February 2008):
I have to agree with the other poster. The guy who asked you out, go have dinner or coffee. You need to get out for a little while, it will do you good.
Take a nice walk or just sit outside with something to drink and just enjoy the beauty around you. Life really changes when take time to appreciate little things. Little beauty's that are all around us that we generally take for granted.
Call a family member or friend you haven't seen for a while and invite them over for dinner, or to go out.
Just laying there is going to produce the same result as it did yesterday, and the day before. You need to change what you're doing to create change. To begin healing you need to get up, shower (I hope you have since your first post. lol) get ready and start appreciating the fact that you are you. Being you doesn't lie in the affections of another, and that finding that special someone lies in loving yourself first.
Take care.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (11 February 2008):
Hi
You have a constant migraine because of the pressure in your head. This is basically all doing your head in. Too much stress. I expect you're not eating either. Bad combination. We would all get migraines in this situation. This is a nightmare, but its not a dream,it is also happening.
I dont know what anyone can say to get you through it. Something will click, and you just will get through it.
I was just following a story on line, of a little 2 yr old that had a tumor. Basically a diary of whats been happening, and she didnt make it to her 3rd birthday. Not easy i know... but bear in mind what people have to go through in life, and we can all see that there are far worse off people on this planet. Relationship break ups dont usually kill us.
Be strong!
C xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Hi There,I think it is time for you to tell us a bit more about who else you have in your life now. Where is your family or friends?We want to help but need you to tell us a little more about your life and who is in it.Just for a moment tell us a little more about who else you have talked to about your boyfriend?xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel so ill.
My heade hurtsssss, constant migraine.
Cant eat, cant sleep, i feel so sad but i cant cry.
No one wwould choosse this torture.
Im not a bad person, why do i have so much hurt and pain in my life.
Im feeling really low,i need a hand of hope.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (11 February 2008):
To the man that asked you out I would have accepted a coffee date with him and after a few coffee dates explain to him that you have been in an abusive relationship and you want to take things slowly because you will not accept bad behaviour again from any males and test this new man to the limit and if red flags come up then leave it be. Red flags are any controlling behaviour, ie ringing you and checking up on your whereabouts, turning up to your house uninvited, becoming possessive or jealous of any other friends you may have,biggest red flag is when a male pursues you and wants to very quickly have you commit to him. You do not belong to your ex you belong to YOU. He has done nothing to bolster your self esteem and will only further hamper any chance you have of healing. You say you feel for him in losing his family member ok you are doing the feeling work for him letting him off the hook. I see his tool he uses to manipulate you is GUILT. A good analogy is to think of the tools such as guilt that your ex uses as a seed. He plants the seed of guilt in your mind. He then comes back to that seed and nutures it and feeds it and waters it and even fertilizes it. This seed is his one in into your world and your emotions and your life. But this seed is a weed and will very quickly take over all the other good seeds you have in your mind ie self esteem self worth and his seed will choke your good seeds until all you have in your head is his noxious weed invading your every thought. Ok what you need to do is visualise yourself grabbing the biggest bottle of ROUNDUP and spraying this noxious weed each day until this seed he has planted wilts and dies. Think about it. Do you want to be free of the torment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou.Both of what you said, rings so true.i went and brought a mobile, or he will resort to the home phone.( at 5.30am)The texts have started: He says:Is it really over? dont be harsh with your reply. i have feelings to. He said we know each other better the anyone on the planet,he dreamt of his dead grandfather who said dont loose it)( i lost my granfather when i was a child and he knows i always respond to that pain in him of losseing his recently, i have compassion.Its so difficult because he is not a bad man, an addict, yes,a lier, yes, put not a bad man.Hes weakening my resolve.i have not replied or answered any texts or phonecalls. im too vunerable.on the way to buy the phone a man asked me out, said i was beautiful and could he take me to dinner.( how bizzare, life is.)Im not going to.My heart still belongs to my ex- who will wait and come knocking.God help me not to go back to this again.Why do women who are abused go back? again and again?Like you said its a cycle. He is in the sorry stage.I cant let it happen again. i look back in my diary and each time it says you cant trust him.I am not an addict to any drug but sometimes i feel he is my addiction that i need to break free from.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (10 February 2008):
In Australia we would consider this stalking behaviour. My suggestion is to get an answering machine for your home phone and that way you do not have to directly speak to him and if he gets ticked off he may leave a nasty message that you can take to the police station. If he then ups the ante and comes to your house ring 911 straight away don't let him in and if there is no current domestic violence protection order then I strongly suggest you get one and have conditions on it that he is not to contact you by any means or is not to contact or try to contact family members. The reason why he bombards you is because he does not want to allow you the space to gather your strength because then he loses power and CONTROL over you. Boundaries- set them up now. He is emotionally abusive towards you in that he does not value or accept your opinions. He treats you like this because he feels ENTITLED. Keep a diary and familiarize yourself with the cycle of violence. There is the HONEYMOON STAGE where he will respect your right to privacy and may even treat you how you want to be treated which then confuses you. Then he moves into the BUILD UP PHASE OR INTIMIDATION PHASE where he pushes your boundaries and is less likely to accept your opinion or wishes and may begin to exert more power and control over you. Then comes the EXPLOSION where he does not see you as a human being and simply will not accept your thoughts and may become violent physically and emotionally and this sadly is their true self coming out during this phase. Then comes the SORRY OR BUYBACK PHASE where he will make excuses for his behaviour but usually throw you in with comments like If I didn't love you so much I would not have been so upset with you. I need you in my life. I can't go on with out you blah blah blah blah lie. Then comes the HONEY MOON PHASE and you have done a complete circle. So if you feel like you are a hamster on a wheel and you can't get off go anti clockwise and break the cycle. You deserve to be treated with RESPECT. You are someone's daughter,and you have a wealth of beauty both within and out and being with this man will only lower your self esteem. First you need to tell yourself that you are beautiful, special and unique and a goddess. Every day stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself this statement. Keep this statement on the fridge near the phone and when he rings repeat the statement to him and add on the end and I am worthy of respect. The more you say this the less power and control he will have. While he is lingering the chance of you being in a healthy stable relationship with someone else is zip. But you do need to heal from the abuse and find your inner child. You are beautiful. I know you might not feel this way but trust me I was in a very abusive marriage and I left him the day we got the mortgage for the house and I had 4 kids and a 200 thousand dollar debt (would have made a good country song!) He stalked me sending letters he drove both his cars to my house 20 times a day swapping one car walking back getting the other car driving that to my house etc. I am now a domestic violence worker and I advocate strongly for other women to free themselves from abuse. My mother also went through abuse in her marriage. I was a premmie baby after my dad beat my mum while she was pregnant with me so I think I have had adequate life experience but throughout all this I never gave up on my core belief that women deserve to be treated as equals and with respect.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 February 2008):
It's all about keeping personal strength. You have to remind yourself that you are a better person than to accept being mistreated by others. The name of my CD is "Everybody's Somebody's Child" That idea stems from treating others as you would choose to be treated. I have a simple belief, that is, everybody is a child of God, and nobody was put on this earth for the selfish intentions of another. I treat others with respect so I deserve to be treated with respect in return. Even when it comes to my ex who's behavior is evil. I can't hate her, she has a disorder that creates abnormal behaviors. Even after everything she did to me, I still answered the phone and talked her through an issue she was having being diagnosed with cervical cancer. That's the last time I heard from her. The last rumor I heard was she was married and probably driving him nuts.
I want you to take a moment and think about when you were young. When you had dreams and had some idea of what you wanted to be when you grew up. Now ask yourself this (1) Are you doing what you planned on doing? (2) Was part of your dreams to get together with some guy that treats you like crap? If you didn't dream about being treated poorly, then why are you willing to accept it?
I want you to empower yourself to not only expect to be treated well, but demand it. You're your own person and you dictate what you're willing to accept in being treated, and if they don't want to do that, then that's someone who doesn't have the general respect to have the opportunity to associate with you.
Take care, be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI try and finally sleep at 4am.At 5.30am my home phone rings,its him.My mobile is broken, so now he has moved on to the home number.It wont make a blind bit of difference if i get a new mobile number because he just moves on to the home number.At least i can turn a mobile off.He left no message, but i expect hed just got back in from drinking all night.This is what kills me, he waits.I say o'k it over, i greive then two weeks later he gets in touch, turned up on the door step last time after a month.Its hard enough having to walk away, only to start to feel a bit better after the pain and the cycle begins again.I cant change my home number and i cant move house.How do i keep in control of this situation? and create the least amount of pain for myself.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 February 2008):
Thank your for the kind words. Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask anytime you need someone to talk to or advice.
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female
reader, chocolatetpots +, writes (10 February 2008):
hi, you poor thing, this sounds like the hell i have had for 28 yrs!not only have i had to put up with the ex-wife, but the ex and existing!my husband thinks he is the only man on earth who has to shag every living female cause there is no one else to do it!why do i put up with it? i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i guess for 28 yrs he is all i have known, and i know that all these other women mean nothing otherwise he would have left me years ago, ...............my motto is, out of all the women he can never find one as good as me, so in some ways i get a kick out of it, cause its nice to say to his fluzy's you mean nothing hun lol.but it cuts me to pieces in the process, but i take pleasure in knowing that know matter who he decides to chat up or be with, they mean nothing!Men are a law unto themselves, they think they are something they are not, they age well with the help of gillette, and have no feeling for us women who do all there dirty work for them, so my motto is this!Let them do their own ironingLet them do their own cleaningLet them do their own shoppingLet them make their own doctors appointmentsLet them do everything for themselves, take more time to yourself, and pretend they are not there until you need them, which you have to make very rarely, and when they realise they are not really wanted in their own home anymore, watch the reaction, its fun lol.!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni havent moved from my bed all day after having a mirgaine.The 2 posts that have just written have helped me see things more clearly.No matter what, i have to move on. All it's has been is misery and suffering. Its bizarre because my words to him where always actions speak louder that words.Its over.Did he treat me with love and respect,No.i need to refocus my energy on a future for me and hopefully with a new partner who will be kind to me, who wont constantly put me down,who will be considerate of my needs.Who will love me for me.I am not married, i have no children, i live on my own, nothing is holding to the ex-boyfriend.(RCN) Your kindness and wisdom has been like king Solmon.You trully are a sincere man with a great deal of compassion.THankyou RCN.My heart goes out to the other aunt in pain, thankyou for understanding, and making me feel like not im the only one.To RCN - You deserve the best in life,you trully where their for me in my hour of need.Bless your kind heart.i cant ever go back.Thankyou to you all for being a part of my life and pointing me into a better direction.Angels walk among your good deeds and its time for me to walk away to new life.Thankyou
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
Remember the story of the "boy who cried wolf". He lied to you prior too. You knew he had lied, so where did his credibility go with you believing what he says? I'm in law as a profession. With a judge if one lie is proved, the judge can then consider their whole testimony as being untruth.
You're not in the wrong. Someone said he did it. He lied to you in the past. But then he ran instead of defending their statements. That would tell me, there is something up here that's not proper.
I'll tell you now, weather the situation he was accused of, you were loosing by being with him. He lied to you. In a "healthy" relationship, there is no need to lie, because you don't take part in compromising activities. You don't meet with people who may damage or attempt to in the relationship. You don't lie about where you go and who you see, because there is no intent to do something that may be dishonest or disrespectful to the person you're with.
You were not in what I would consider a positive, healthy relationship. Believe it or not, a loving relationship doesn't include deceit or hurt as part of it. I know you're hurt now, and confused. Don't take blame for this happening. Did you know actions really do speak louder than words. People use to say that when I was young and until I grew up I never really understood. I live my life with a high amount of inegrity, and character. I have morals that I don't compromise. I don't go out telling everyone "by the way I have integrity" I don't have too. I went to court and won custody of my daughter, I was a bit worried and consulted my manager at the time. He said this, and it's something I will never forget "You have nothing to worry about, the way you lead your life, no one could say anything bad about you and have the judge belive it." I don't have to tell people about the honesty and character I cary. Just how I display myself in public and personal situations, they just know.
I remember a story I hear a few months ago. This couple was in a relationship, that was just kind of blah and not really going anywhere. I asked a friend of his how to turn it around. What could he do. His friend said he needs to change the way he views his wife. He said the difference is treating her like fine china, instead of tupperware. He did just that, and when he passed away, on his tomb stone his wife placed a china cup.
Changing his views grew such a love between them and his wife's great appreciation for who he's become in the marriage.
I can tell you, we give so much advice on here, some is used, others read and say "It makes sense" but then they don't use the advise. The words on this site, no matter how powerful, are only as good as the action that's taken by those who need direction. Knowledge is only knowledge, but becomes power with action.
I really do wish you the best. It's my prayer for you that you meet and fall in love with the person who treats you like fine china.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Hello, there, l have done a similar thing listen to my husbands tart, he has had an affair with for eight months, i think once you know or think they have had an affair, you just can not help thinking of what may have happened, then eventually believe yourselve instead of the truth, i i think alsorts, because i just can not believe he did this to me,And with you you believed her but why wouldn't you its normal,its 7 weeks since i found out, and i am a living wreck too,he says he is sorry over and over,but that dosn't help really.
Are you still with your boyfriend if its not true what she as been saying it dosn't seem fair to loose him.especially after 7 years has he always been ok before? text messages are a pain and can break a relationship up, my almost did break up, my messages turned out to be true and thats bad, i am trying every day to get back on track cause i do love my husband just like you love your partner but its hard for sure, i hope things getter better for you and i do feel for you and know what you must be going through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt turns out he didnt sleep with her.
Im so confused.
I feel so messed up, an emotional wreck.
He texted me and said i was wrong! and how could i do this to him, believe a stranger over him after 7years.
I feel terrible.
But things dont add up.
The lies hes told in the past, about meeting up with her.
Even if it was just as firend he promised me before if he ever saw her he would tell me. he didnt.
The trust is shattered by the lies he tol. Now i feel i being blamed for believeing a women who phoned me and said he slept with her.
Help. i feel im going crazy.
Im in so much metal pain. I cant think straight.
I texted him to to say explain then.
Nothing came back and now my phone has broken and i cant recieve texts.
My heart hurts, im crying this has got to end.
What do i do?
I feel i could never trust him again because of past lies but have i believed a lieing women who wanted to split us up.
Im loseing the plot.
please help.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 February 2008):
I know it hurts. If it didn't it would be a happy ending. Not everything ends happily, but even those that don't we learn something from them. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for the good time and the bad times. I have learned so much off the challenges I've faced and obsticals I've had to overcome.
Now remember, this healing process is no longer about him. It's about you. Your will and ability to overcome so you can find happiness and live without this grief. It's not easy, but it does get better, and you'll be stronger because of it. It sounds like he's definately the one who lost out. You seem like a real loving and caring person and someday you'll find someone who'll return your love and protect you from being hurt, instead of causing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had a phone call from a third party ,a girl who new this ex -women.
She phoned me and said that this was what this women does,lies to breakup relationships. Shes done it before to other women to steal their boyfriend, or to just to break them them up.
How can anyone be this creul?
I feel bad, because im doubting my self was the boyfriend telling the truth that he didnt sleep with her?
Then why did he run and not stand his ground and say so?
Either way, if i cant go to a partner and have trust in them to tell me the truth, then their is no hope.
Was he telling the truth and my anger at her lies made me see red.
I texted him :i cant repair what done, have a nice life,goodbye.
Now the pain has started again. the loneiness.
I was asked to go out with a freind,but how can i when my eyes are swollen from crying.
I feel crap.
The constant thoughts going around my head, wont stop, i feel under extream stress.
It wouldnt have worked , i know, i just wish i didnt love him,anymore.
I really need your ideas to get me through the coming days.
The house needs re-decoratering and all i feel like doing is curling up in bed and blocking out the pain.
Please help.
I end up keep bursting into tears when i try to do anything.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (7 February 2008):
Who cares if you have pushed them together. They deserve each other dont they? They probably wont make each other very happy. And She certainly wont ever trust him.
And he asks you to treat HIM with respect??? I would of replied with a lot more than that but ive always been a gobby mare! :o)
Chin up, let them get on with it, as hard as it will be. Hes a screw up and probably always will be. Rollercoaster relationships? ....You dont need them. They are very draining emotionally!
Good luck
C xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Change your phone. Step 2 I'm afraid you need to get out there and have a good time with friends / family etc get a diary and plan things in it - make it as full as you possibly can - days out, new places, doesn't matter what it is - distraction is the only antidote and every time you are tempted to get in touch do something to distract yourself. Over time your strength will return. Realise that you are the better person for being strong and your esteem is in tact because you did not accept the cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): The pain is so bad when you find out your partner has slept with someone else, its easy for people to say forget hom, but if you love him its really hard to do, but the truth you know deep inside is to forget him,For sure theres a man out there who will treat you right, but if you don't let go you will never find him, days seem like weeks when you are going through something like this, and friends i know get fed up of earing you going over things, thats if you have told friends, i think you will if its happened a few times, Make an effort and glam yourseve up pretend you are in control even though you are hurting inside, and start today and try and forget him, wish you lots of luck
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (7 February 2008):
Change your cell phone number for a start or turn it off each night after you have received all calls from your friends and family. Have messagebank take all calls so that he has to leave a message and then simply delete it. You are in a cycle of violence. He may not hit you but he is controlling your emotions and not respecting you in any way. When you have a weak moment and feel like answering the phone or letting him in ask yourself DID YOU EVER ASK HIM TO TREAT YOU LIKE A RAG DOLL? If your answer is no which I am guessing it is then put some boundaries up. What is your emotional trigger to him? Is it his voice or his presence or his writing. What is the tool that he uses to weaken your strength of resolve? Find out what is his tool and eliminate this tool from his toolbox. With my ex it was his voice and his handwriting that scared the crap out of me and weakened me to succumbing to him. Once I figured that out I refused to take his calls and I refused to read his many many many letters. Number 1 rule, find the tool and throw it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou sincerely for being their and your help.
Thankyou for getting me through the night without feeling so alone.
Thankyou
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female
reader, angels0456 +, writes (7 February 2008):
Hey, sorry to hear about this cheating no good for nothing man; I would forget him; change my number; move on. There are too many good men out in the world for someone to be cheated on and used like he did to u and the other woman. Without trust; u do not have anything; he cannot have his cake and eat it too!!!! Everything will get better in time; I was in this situation, I moved to another county started my whole life over. It was very much worth it. Good Luck to YOU! Life is too short, and he will end up a very lonely man one day.
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reader, rcn +, writes (7 February 2008):
Thank you for the compliment hlskitten.
Now you're right, you don't deserve to be treated that way. He wants to talk about respect, but doesn't carry respect for you. I don't recall anytime when putting his pen in another girls ink was considered respect.
Now, I think him running with his tail between his legs is proof enough that what she said is truthful. As far as the STD, get yourself checked, don't worry about her. If you come up positive, send her a message and let her know. Other than that kick him to the curb. Be done with him. As far as driving them together, always remember this. Nobody has the power to choose for someone else. His being with her is by choice, not by anything you did.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): This guy is a looser. You get the respect you deserve, is your answer to this man. He deserves no respect and you had every right to contact her re std's. However this was partly because your pissed off. Get tested for yourself and she is able to make her own decisions.
Don't think that you have pushed them together, by the sounds of things they deserve each other! He is a shit honey, and he will try and make himself out to be a victim here, cause he's a low down cheater who has been snapped.
You should now use this time to make a new start and plan for your life. This guy is not worth your love.
Love xxxx
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Hi,
change your mobile number!
dont reply to them, don't talk to them , they are doing this because they know that they will upset you. If you ignore them they will eventually get bored of trying to upset you and go away.
"Have I just pushed them together"... boy that is a worrying comment, it almost shows that you have not listened to anything anybody here has said to you. Stop being wrapped up in this twisted world, until you change your mobile number you will make things worse for yourself. Just do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just texted!i aked the ex- girl to phone me, incase we both need to go a std check-up.She ignored me and called the boyfriend.I just had a message for him, saying i nedd to show him some respect, and have to understand him and if only i trusted him, what could have been, after 7years.Im gob smacked.I texted them both back, that they both lie and would suit each other,now get out of my life.Im so angry. i dont deserve to be treated like this.I think id better change my mobile number.Have i just pushed them together?Im so confused.Help.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 February 2008):
Well said RCN. The longer you are on your own, and really dont mind being on your own, you gain strength and know being on your own is way better than being treated badly.
Its quite a shame the amount of people on here that settle for second, third or fourth etc best, just because they dont know or 'want' any different.
C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Your hurting desperately at the moment honey, and I am so sorry you are at a loss. Try to calm down abit so you can start to see things clearly for yourself and your heart. He has been pretty bloody shitty to you. Your understandably beside yourself. Maybe just at the moment you should not think about whether you have to do anything, but get over the shock of what's happening. Instead of churning over what you are going to do now, when he calls, and he will, think about nothing serious at the moment. Your hurting and still angry and upset. He can wait. Your thoughts about how you handle him are not your problem. You do what ever you feel you need to do. Yell, scream, cry and start to open up your eyes and look at this man and who he really is.Instead of focusing on loving him still, focus on what he has shown you of himself and who he really is. Is he really worth all of the heartache you are going through. Maybe some of your tears are for yourself and how you feel let down and taken advantage of. Your allowed to also consider that your pain is more about you than him. This may help you change your focus to yourself a bit more now.When my husband cheated on me, I had an overwhelming need to make a decision as to breaking up of somehow being happy again. It was not as simple as that and I am still struggling. I started to feel alot better about what was happening in my relationship when I realised that it was time for me to start actually focusing on myself. If it is going to workout between my husband and I it will be his responsibility to work hard to make him worthy again of my love. Your man is a sod, really treated you like crap. Your not only worth more than the treatment you are receiving from him, as the old saying goes - "If you knew then what you know now, would you still be with him in any case". Your worth it, is he? Start worrying about what you will not have to put up with any longer, and think about what you now have to look forward to and discover.God Bless and stay strong and calm at the moment. xxxxxx
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 February 2008):
Sorry to hear about your pain. It's for reasons like this I remain single and plan to do so "till death do I part", unless someone comes a long that I just can't pass up. lolNow when he says he misses you tell him "I bet you say this to all the women you cheat on, and probably the ones you cheated on them with." Now can you get him out or your heart forever? NOPE But, in a way, why would you want too. To do that would take away even to good memories, and our memories are what builds our abilities to have successful relationships. With out them we'd remiain really lost. Here's the difficult part. It's no longer about him. He's gone, that part accomplished. With him being gone, it's now about you. It's about how you view what happened and especially how you choose to deal with what happened. It all now falls on what you do or don't do. Feeling how you feel now, how willing are you to aviod future pain and hurt? You know his actions hurt you. So are you willing to take a chance just to be hurt again, or should you protect yourself from being hurt?My ex, who I still love, it was king of the same thing. Couldn't trust that she'd treat me any better than when we were together prior. I simply told her, "I love you, I always will, but I just can't be with you." See I respect myself enough to know, I don't want to go there and it's my choice not too. You need to work on you, your sense of self and your personal happiness, as you do you'll find it gets easire making these difficult decions. The stronger you become, the less willing you'll be to accept poor treatment.
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 February 2008):
This is truly horrible. Nothing anyone can say will make the situation any better. Theres lots on here with problems obviously, and this is one of the many worse ones.At the end of the day, it sounds like he played you both for fools, and, small consolation i know, but HE is the one with the problems here, and the personality disorder. There will be zero excuses for treating people like your ex seems to do, and the guy is gonna grow old one lonely little boy! Take comfort in the fact he will know that deep down. (unless he is a complete waste of space screw up) and i'm sure if that was the case, it would of become apparent to you long before now?Life wont get any better for him until he grows some balls and grows up. Stick 2 fingers up to the child!You on the other hand deserve better and know that.End of.C xxxxx
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (6 February 2008):
Easy,
change your mobile number to start with. Then he can't text you. This sends a message as well that you are not in his control. As long as he can communicate with you at any time he has you in the palm of his hand.
If you are able to move away, do so. Start a new life.
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