A
male
age
41-50,
*E125
writes:I admit I've tried online dating because it's convenient and saves a lot of time and creates a certain comfort level for people because a person can always choose not to respond and feel no pressure. My problem is nobody responds. When I send a message to a lady I try to be very respectful and sincere, but only maybe 1 out of 30 people will reply (I've been doing this a while now) and the lack of a reply is something I take exception to. I realize many guys will take a reply as a sign of interest no matter what the reply says, and then relentlessly pursue the lady. I get that concern from a woman's point of view. But my question is why do so few reply? When someone doesn't reply I admit I do take it kind of personally because to me it's a matter of common courtesy. Even if the reply is to tell me hey I'm not interested, I respect that more than someone who doesn't reply at all. I consider a non reply to be very offensive and arrogant. At least give me the courtesy of telling me something, even if you're not interested. I can respect a person who does that and hold no ill will toward them. But I do think it is extremely arrogant and very hurtful to not at least get a reply when I take the chance and put myself out there, only to be ignored. Why do so many women just not reply? Is it arrogance, a sense of entitlement? I don't understand. I'd appreciate opinions and replies from women on this question. Thanks much to anyone who takes the time to reply! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BE125 +, writes (4 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree completely Honey pie. We are going downhill fast. About the orange comment I made...I know of women who have called the police when a guy approached them in a store, on the street, or in another public arena. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't hear it for myself from trusted friends. So basically if I see a lady in the grocery store, coffee shop, bookstore, whatever.....Most won't even make eye contact. By most I would say around 70% and about 90% of women I see look very stony faced and generally look like they are not in a mood to talk, given the looks on their faces..I know that's subjective but it's just my observation. So when I feel like the lady has a brick wall up, I don't bother, because you never know what kind of reaction you may get, i.e. calling the police. I am in federal law enforcement but I don't want to have to explain to a local cop who generally isn't in a good mood to begin with, why he had to come out for a call from a woman who called 911 because a guy approached her, in a very respectful way too, these gals just freaked out. Not sure why, but as a guy, potential issues like that are always in the back of our minds. The other big one is you never know if they are single or not, so even if there is no ring, and the lady looks unfriendly I won't try to say hi. Women have to worry about exit routes, getting mugged, raped, etc. and I totally understand that and their concerns are justified. What I don't get is why there seems to be so much hostility from women when you approach them. I've seen it myself. As a matter of fact, I said hi to a lady in Walgreens today and she walked right passed me and didn't say anything! I am on Meetup but I have not found it useful as of yet, but it's still a work in progress. Thank you for your help!
A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (4 August 2015):
Dear OP,
Haha - the sad faces :). I know, I know. When a man looks at me, I'm often so surprised that I probably look as if I am plotting his murder. It takes me a few seconds to realize.. wait.. is he looking at me because I've got something in my face.. no?... is he.. flirting?
I suggest that you make eye contact and try to smile a little at the woman. People often LOOK, but forget to smile, when they find someone hot. That's why the signal is unclear. I read that in a book about flirting and I think it's totally true.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2015):
 I do think society is changing fast, and not for the better, when it comes to interactions with other people.
I have seen at family gatherings people being more interested in their tech and posting irrelevant fluff on Facebook instead of interacting with family and friends.
And luckily I have also seen gatherings where people PUT AWAY their tech and chat, take turns USING tech to show everyone special events (like we have a niece of a friend who we see at "family" event - as we (hubby, our kids, myself) are "honorary" family members.) she had gone skydiving for her 30th birthday and we ALL sat and watched the video and it was fun. It was something for everyone to talk about and to listen to her adventure.
You go to the store and see (let's say) 50 people (adults). How many of them are either texting, chatting or browsing something on their phones? I'd say maybe 40? Are these conversations important? Hardly. My guess in many circumstances people JUST don't want to do mundane things such as shopping without being in constant contact with someone else. I don't know HOW many times I have seen (specially younger people) talking on their phone during check out and ACTUALLY ASKING the cashier to "hold on a moment".. so yeah, manners are out the window.
I have 2 teenagers. They have friends over quite often. Some are super polite others are just.. I don't know if I'd call it no filter? or no manners?
Let's not forget "social websites" where FICTION run rampant. I mean seriously, you look at people's FB and if you don't know them, you might think they have the awesome perfect life, when in fact.. they live in la-la land. People being UPSET that they are NOT getting as many "likes" on FB as someone else.. I mean really? Where viral videos of someone pulling a mean prank gets more attention than a good deed?
But enough of that...
When you mention that you don't want to wear an orange jump suit - that you have a hard time interacting with women you don't know... I'm left baffled.. WHERE (location wise) do you TRY and engage a woman and get those anxious/upset responses? Have you tried things such as meetup.com? Where it's NOT so much about finding a future mate, but to socialize and met new people. It might be a nice break from trying to find a mate.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (4 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi honey pie, thank you, I think your answer is fair and well thought out. As I was telling Tisha earlier, I actually did have 2 female friends review my profile and I implemented their suggestions. It wasn't anything radical, just some small subtle changes. To date, I haven't noticed much difference and I totally understand now that women may get a ton of emails, and I have no doubt some of them are less than appropriate. My female friends have showed me some of the emails they get and it was eye opening for me. I couldn't believe what some guys say to them. It was almost horrifying. I am surprised to learn that men also ignore women often, that's a new insight for me because honestly I seldom if ever get a message from a woman first. It has happened but it only happens maybe once a year, if that. The only area where I have a different view is that I do not think it's asking too much for a reply one way or the other. As I wondered out loud replying to Tisha,in this society have we become so indifferent to people's feelings that we now consider sending a polite no thank you as being a waste of time? I hope not. As I mentioned before, when someone takes time to write to me at work, its usually because they couldn't get the help they needed from others. Watching over 300+ people is a big job. I went from serving 17 people to serving over 300 now in my new capacity.. It was quite an adjustment but my philosophy never changed, I have concern for every single person who writes me, and so as I said earlier I will continue answering email after work, or when I'm off because if someone comes to mme for help, I feel obligated to respond. Most of the time it's a complaint, a rant, or asking for help. But I still refuse to let myself be indifferent to people and just ignore them. Maybe it's because my heart is sensitive and I've been through hell in my life, but whatever the cause, Its been my philosophy from day one to reach out to every person who comes to me, because if they are coming to me it most likely means a process or a relationship with peers or first and second level supervisor broke down somewhere and something failed in the process. whenever I send a message, I always read the profile before I do, and I personalize every message I send for the very reason you mentioned, I don't want someone to think I'm just sending a cookie cutter note. So far that has not helped. But as I told Tisha, I've implemented her suggestions and I'm excited to see what happens! I just think it's a shame that people feel ok with being indifferent and ignoring others. I often wonder, is this what our society has become? I've also kept other avenues open. For me, it's hard to find a woman in person who will even make eye contact, much less talk. And I noticed almost none of the women I see in person look friendly. They look very anxious or upset. When I see that I don't try and engage them because like I told Tisha, I don't want the police getting involved, I just don't look good in orange jumpsuits. I think we have to project happiness to draw people to us, but the truth is I don't see it on many women's faces. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2015):
I agree with Tisha
None of the aunties are "mad" at you, but like with everything else not everything translate so well in the written words as the spoken one.
If you prefer the one-on-one dating thing (which I totally get - I would have no stomach for "trawling" for several dates at the same time versus one at the time.) I think you would actually of MUCH better with the various group dates/meet up things over dating sites.
I sense that it's becomes the "norm" to toss out as many hooks as possible hoping for a bite.
Now you may think women are too picky (or have to high expectations) but... I don't agree. Some may be, for sure and some man are as well. Can't change that. And if they have WAY too high expectations.. THEY end up alone, so it's really ON them. Not a refection of you.
You write to ONE woman at a time - she may get a LOT more responses than yours and if yours doesn't stand out, check her boxes or whatnot - I think it's a little... entitled to think you are OWED a reply. SHE has no way of knowing whether you e-mail (long or short) is your "standard cover letter" you send to ALL the chicks you approach or if it personally written for HER.
I get that it would BE NICE if people would realize that YOU took the time to write this nice note and at least say, no thanks. BUT as things seem to be going with online dating... most people ONLY respond to those that INTEREST them. You may not like that notion... but THAT may be the norm. JUST like many man (and women) date SEVERAL people (no sex) till they have found what they feel is the best fit. IT may not be how you like it either (don't blame you) but again... it may BE the norm on dating sites now.
None of us here on DC can change how Dating sites are used or operated.
But I will say this, I think JUST as many men are guilty of "ignoring" those women on the dating site THEY aren't interested in as woman are with men.
If you feel you HAVE a lot to offer, it might be your approach or your profile that isn't reflecting this. Or you are on the wrong dating site. I'd ask a FEMALE friend to look your profile over and tell you what you could change. An outside perspective can help.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (4 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha, I will tell you what I have done and what I haven't. I have not made an effort to kind of sell myself in my emails. I will try to be more attentive to that going forward.I have asked 2 female friends to review the profile, which they graciously did, and I implemented their suggestions a few months back. The suggestions were not really that radical, just some small changes. I haven't really tried to be more descriptive about why I'm special in my emails for a couple reasons... first is because I thought that's what the profile was for. Second, I was under the impression women would perceive that as cocky, and finally I have to put the blame on myself and say I had a general reluctance to do it because I was uncomfortable doing it. I am a quiet and introverted person by nature, but I do believe I am a caring and worthy partner for someone. I don't think we really covered this but I wanted to share anyway. I am reluctant to try and put on a false self to get someone's attention because I would want someone to be interested in me because of my true self. I know many men do put on a flase self to get a woman's attention, and it probably works. But I think eventually we have to show a person our true self. I thinks that's one of the reasons we have so much divorce in our country, because maybe there are too many men and women who have deceived each other and convinced their partner they are someone they really are not. I can find it believeable that women would make choices based on how interesting a person is or how much perceived adventure and fun they could have with a guy. In my own opinion, I wonder if looking for a significant other by that standard is an adult decision? I'm not sure. The divorce rate in the U.S. would not do much to support that concept. I would imagine trying to be interesting to a significant other on a daily basis is just not realistic. A person's true self comes out at some point, and I think that causes many problems, especially if the couple has already wed. My preference was to show my true self right off the bat, even if that true self is an introverted and generally quiet person.The site I'm on can tell you if someone has viewed your profile and if they have read your message. There is always the possibility of fake profiles but I'd say 30-40% of the women I messaged have viewed my profile, and the others do not. I don't know if they are reading my messages because utilizing that feature costs money, and I chose not to spend money on that. I always try to be aware of opportunities in public, and in other areas and I've noticed a couple things. I notice most women I come across just won't make eye contact and do not look friendly. If someone doesn't look friendly, I don't attempt to approach or talk to them, because I don't want the police to be involved. I don't look good in orange. :)I admit I do not go to bars or clubs. I don't drink and never have, and now I couldn't drink even if I wanted to due to a medical issue. And I'm not sure alchohol should be part of the equation when looking for someone anyway lol.I've spoke to a lady recently in person and she seemed like she wanted to pursue getting to know each other better. We even exchanged a few emails. But, she has since vaporized. That scenario has played out many times, more than I could estimate. Working for the government is also probably not a good idea if a person is seeking a relationship. One thing I didn't find out until it was too late is that when you work for the government, your life is drastically altered, and your life is really not your own anymore. I find no peace or joy in this life. Government workers have some of the highest divorce rates. Working for the government is by no means a pleasure. I've worked in both the private sector and now for the federal government. In my line of work, the high divorce rate does not surprise me. When we do hiring, most of the process is automated to the point where things get narrowed down to maybe 10-20 candidates before a human being gets involved at looking at candidates. I usually give someone a week or so to reply with life issues in mind. Ultimately, I look for someone who I believe could be a potential spouse. That's what I have in mind when I'm searching. I'm not sure that other people always do. I'm sure many do, but I also think for many it's all about fun and adventure, and that stuff always fades away eventually. I can say I know exactly the kind of person I'm looking for. I've had some very good women who have come in and out of my life at various points, not as relationships, but as friends, teachers, and collegues, and from that I've been able to identify what I am looking for. There is of course more to the story, but I think I've wrote a pretty long reply at this point. I've never had someone who I considered my girlfriend, and there's reasons for that too. I've been on dates, but things have not worked out for one reason or another and I've come to a point in the path where I don't really know what to do now other than seek help from good people like yourself. I always had the impression that women do not make the process easy or comfortable. I would also agree that men don't either, based on what my female friends share with me. Thank you for all your time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 August 2015):
 Sorry, Ben, I did get your message. I started a reply to you. Then my phone rang, I had to take that call and couldn't continue the reply to you as I can't multitask that well. So, yes, your email went to the bottom of my to-do list. Then it was time for me to start dinner and I just didn't have the time to finish it.
It had nothing to do with you. It was all about my timing and the things happening in my life. Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations just a tad. Allow for real life issues.
I'm not angry; and I doubt any of the aunts who answered your post are angry. They are pointing out that your attitude sounds a certain way.
You ask a lot of questions in your followup, which is good, as you've also answered my questions for you.
One is "How does a woman decide out of those 200 emails, which one she will answer and which one's she won't?" Well, I guess I would think of it as a job interview. You have a set of "must have," "would be nice to have" and "shouldn't have." Each person will have their own lists. If you message a woman without explaining a bit about you, why you are interesting and why you think you two may be compatible, she'd probably just ignore it. In a group of 200 emails, just being polite without any detail would come across as bland. What's the thing that makes you zing? What absorbs you and makes time pass in a flash? What are your passions? Share those.
Another thought for you is this, and it's a pretty fundamental one. If you are one who takes offense to people ignoring a message on a dating site, and you find it personally hurtful and perhaps upsetting (?) then you may be searching for dates in the wrong place.
You say you work for the federal government. For each job that opens up, how many people actually apply? Hundreds? Thousands? Taking time to write an individual reply to each applicant would take a lot of time, I expect. So the person going through the resumes and qualifications for the job would quickly sort through the 'nos'--those people missing needed degrees, skills, training, or other qualifications. It's the people who stand out who get invited to take the next step.
You wrote "I don't want to create a situation where I have more than one interested party replying at a time because that's not how I believe a man should handle things. I don't want to create a situation where I have more than one woman's interest concurrently. I like to deal with women one at a time. If woman A doesn't pan out, ok, then I can move on to trying to find someone else. I try to give women a reasonable amount of time to reply, because I am a one woman guy. I have no desire to be a player or cheat or anything like that." I think that is an admirable quality, to be a one woman man. The thing is, you are limiting your opportunities by this approach. As you've tried it for a long time, and it hasn't worked, I think it's safe to say that it'll be okay to message more than one woman at a time. After all, they are fielding lots of messages themselves.
It doesn't sound as though women are messaging you based on your profile. I would suggest you have someone look over your profile, get some professional photos taken, polish and shine what makes you unique and interesting and what the right woman would find appealing. If you look like the rest of the herd, or worse, more boring than the rest of the herd, no one is going to select you out of the crowd. You need to spotlight what makes you unique and special.
I think you should start finding other avenues to meet women who share your interests. Do get out of that comfort zone. Just because something is convenient and saves time doesn't make it an effective way to meet a potential love match.
How did you meet your previous girlfriends? What are your parameters for messaging the specific women? Have you told your female friends you are looking for the right woman?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015):
An OKcupid study recently found that women ranked 80% of men "below average" whereas men ranked women in a balanced curve. Women's standards are much higher than they realize, and are far out of balance with reality.
Let's put this in perspective. If that study had found that men were rating 60% of women "below average" then it would have been enough to spark some discussion & criticism. Raking the other side 80% below average is an enormously distorted view.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (3 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLadies, let's hold our horses here for a second, we don't need to get angry over a question. If I came across as being upset or bitter, I did not intend to, and I apologize for that, I'm just trying to seek answers and I acknowledge my words can sometimes come across too sharp, because I try not to waste words when I write. That's a fair point made and I'll work on that. I'd like to think I'm a very reasonable person. I really do appreciate the input, sincerely. I'd like to primarily reply to Tisha. You make some good points I did not consider before, and I'm grateful for you taking the time to provide them, that's why I put these questions out there in the first place, and it is obvious there are people who do care, because I get replies on this site. You are obviously one of those people. Let me clarify a few things and maybe it will give you a better picture, and one that I am grateful for you helping with. I said a person can choose not to respond. But I never said I agreed with that approach, or thought it was an acceptable reaction for a woman to take. I actually said the opposite, which was I took offense to it and honestly it is hurtful when that happens. With that said, if I had a couple occurences here and there of non replies, we wouldn't be having this coversation. But, it's been so prevalent that I think it rises to the level of a systemic issue. I will send you an example of an email I did send that got no reply to your private mailbox. I said a person has that choice to not respond. But I think it's an inconsiderate choice, because it leaves a man hanging out in limbo, because you don't know if the person is away on vacation, not interested, or just "overwhemlmed with messages." One thing I'd like to point out that I failed to before is that yes I get paid to work, and part of that is answering emails, but I do have the option of sending probably 90% of those emails I receive to our program assistant to respond to if I wanted. However, I've always been of the mind that if a person is taking time from their day and writing to me, they would like to hear from me and they deserve to hear from me, not from someone who helps me at work. I work for the federal government, which in and of itself is a challenge but that's a whole other post. :) I answer many emails at home on my own time, because I feel it's important that I provide a response to someone who reaches out. I don't get paid when I'm on my own time. Does it take a little extra time out of my personal life? Yes it does. But I've never regretted doing this. I answer mail at home on weekends, holidays, and on my days off, because I believe it is important to connect with people who seek you out.
When someone says as a justification that "I don't want to waste your time or mine" by not replying, that disclaimer concerns me. Have we become so indifferent to the feelings of other people that we now consider it a waste of time to be couteous and send a two line thank you but not interested message? Is that what society has become? Most of us have smartphones and we can do that on the fly nowadays!
To Tisha's question more specifically, There are some days where I send no messages, there are some where I might send 1; but here's my dilema. I don't want to create a situation where I have more than one interested party replying at a time because that's not how I believe a man should handle things. I don't want to create a situation where I have more than one woman's interest concurrently. I like to deal with women one at a time. If woman A doesn't pan out, ok, then I can move on to trying to find someone else. I try to give women a reasonable amount of time to reply, because I am a one woman guy. I have no desire to be a player or cheat or anything like that. I've been victimized by that and I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. My conscience tells me it is wrong to be dating more than one person at a time. I'd also like to look at the point you made about 200 emails and accepting 200 dates, etc. Here is my question, and I ask because I honestly don't know. How does a woman decide out of those 200 emails, which one she will answer and which one's she won't? There would have to be a process, right? I must not be doing a good enough job to get that person's attention. I don't know how that all works.
Just one final thing. Some of you started talking about me referencing standards. I never spoke to standards, I spoke to expectations. Those are two different things.
Thank you all!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 August 2015):
BE125, you may have a point that some women set expectations too high. You also contradict yourself several times in your post, so perhaps what you say and what you think aren't aligned, and this is coming through in your 'sincere and respectful' messages to the ladies.
"it's convenient and saves a lot of time and creates a certain comfort level for people because a person can always choose not to respond and feel no pressure." vs. "When someone doesn't reply I admit I do take it kind of personally because to me it's a matter of common courtesy."
Here's another contradiction: "My problem is nobody responds. When I send a message to a lady I try to be very respectful and sincere, but only maybe 1 out of 30 people will reply (I've been doing this a while now)" So some DO respond. How many messages are you sending out a day or week?
This portion is very interesting because it shows that rather than briskly moving on to the next profile, you spend time taking the non-reply personally, and imagining them to be arrogant: "When someone doesn't reply I admit I do take it kind of personally because to me it's a matter of common courtesy. Even if the reply is to tell me hey I'm not interested, I respect that more than someone who doesn't reply at all. I consider a non reply to be very offensive and arrogant. At least give me the courtesy of telling me something, even if you're not interested. I can respect a person who does that and hold no ill will toward them. But I do think it is extremely arrogant and very hurtful to not at least get a reply when I take the chance and put myself out there, only to be ignored." Sorry to point out the obvious, but the women who chose not to reply don't care if you hold ill-will or goodwill toward them. It doesn't matter, they don't see you as a match. That's all.
"Why do so many women just not reply? Is it arrogance, a sense of entitlement? I don't understand. I'd appreciate opinions and replies from women on this question." I think the aunts here answered you, but you didn't like the answer. It's not arrogance or entitlement. It's exhaustion and an abundance of caution.
You even point to that time-saving thing in your opening sentence: "I admit I've tried online dating because it's convenient and saves a lot of time and creates a certain comfort level for people".
I wonder if you'd be willing to share an example of a message you write to a woman on a dating profile. It might be filled with these contradictions and you may be coming across in a negative way.
You're not going to be able to school all the women on your dating site. They are not going to change the way they respond to men who approach them en masse.
So the reality is that you will have to change your attitude and approach to the problem. As Captain Jack Sparrow famously said, "The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem."
And to finish, I have to point out the fallacy in your logic here: "If you have to reject 200 people a day either in writing or in your minds eye, do you really believe your expectations in men are realistic?" Um, do you expect them to ACCEPT 200 date proposals a day? Really? Do the math.
If you want to scold the women who don't reply, whom you've already dismissed as arrogant and entitled, you are wasting precious time and energy. "Do you believe you are being fair to yourself or to the men writing to you? Or is it perhaps that you may need to make some adjustments."
Again, perhaps if you have been unsuccessful for so long, it's actually you who needs to make some adjustments.
[Please note that I have been off the market for decades now and don't require a scolding for not responding to online dating messages.]
You asked a question of the aunts here, they answered as honestly and frankly as they can. If you don't like the answer, well, this goes back to the problem. Which is that you don't really want to accept their reality because it conflicts with your perception of what the reality should be.
I have to be honest that I'm really curious to read one of your messages. Perhaps the aunts here, whose advice you chose to ignore, might be able to analyze your messages and give you concrete advice on how to improve your chances for a reply.
Good luck with things.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30 +, writes (3 August 2015):
Dear OP,
May I just add that non-replys happen to me A LOT when I am the one taking initiative and writing to men online?
Because that's the truth.
Also, I never realized not replying was offensive until a man on an online dating site told me he was hurt, and since then I started taking the time to reply even negatively, but in a polite way.
Before that, I always assumed that no answer is LESS offensive than a negative one. Because I prefer not to hear anything from a guy rather than to hear "no thanks". I mean, I kind of understand the "no thanks", I don't want it spelled out.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (3 August 2015):
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but after reading your follow-up I believe it's you who is coming across as a little entitled. As if these women owe you a reply, and the fact they don't means they must either have overly high expectations or they are putting themselves up on a pedestal. Seriously?!
I too get upwards of 100 emails a day at work, but I get paid to answer those! I have no desire or requirement to spend every evening doing the same, particularly when the responses are often rude or nasty. So many of my friends have told me stories of them politely rejecting guys, who go on to reply with comments like 'fine you look like a slut anyway'. There's even a social media hashtag 'byefelipe' for these type of replies as they are so common. And while it may not be fair that the nice guys are all tarred with the same brush, it's impossible to tell who is likely to turn on you so for some it's easier to say nothing and not risk being insulted.
Plus, whether it's fair or not, women do have more choice which means they can afford to be more picky. In an ideal world everyone would spend an equal amount of time looking at each person who spoke to them and give every one of them a fair chance, but in reality that just doesn't happen. There could be any number of reasons why they are not interested, from looks, to interests, to even seemingly minor things like bad spelling or grammar. I'm sure you don't send messages to everyone you see either, so clearly you have your own turn offs and quite rightly so. It is brutal, but in online dating you are doing things on a much larger scale (you're not likely to speak to 30 women in an hour in the 'real world' for example) so the rejections do seem more frequent. However, it's part of the game.
What you can't do is let it make you bitter, which I sense is already happening to be honest. You seem to be mad that you are not getting the level of attention you feel you deserve, which is likely to be coming across in your interactions. Have you looked at what you are writing? What are you doing to make yourself stand out?
Some of the people I've started chatting to on online dating sites have started off with a joke, or by asking me about a particular interest I've written on my profile.
Ones I don't reply to are either too forward (talking about sex and/or making demands right away, as in 'I only want something casual so don't get your hopes up' or 'I won't wait more than 3 dates for sex'); too generic (it makes me think everyone gets the same message from him); too desperate (coming on way too strong too fast) or only sending messages late at night (feels like a booty call). And some, as harsh as it may be, are just not my type.
OP it's not a crime to have standards when looking for a partner. I'm not expecting to find a down to earth David Beckham lookalike with millions in the bank and a PHD in understanding women, but neither will I settle for just anyone. I think most people are the same.
So instead of getting angry that people are not responding the way you want, how about mixing it up until you find something that does work? Or as others say, start trying to get out more instead of pinning all of your hopes on online dating, as I know plenty of couples who admit they wouldn't have contacted each other based on a single photo, but when they met something just clicked.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2015):
OP,
You can't compare WORK e-mails with notes/e-mail on a dating site.
YOU (or whomever receive the WORK e-mail) IS PAID to deal with the issue at hand, it's your JOB, women (and men) on dating sites are NOT PAID to read every single e-mail/note they get. Nor are they EXPECTED to go through every single one. Some get overwhelmed with 10 responses some with 100.
Don't forget if a woman receive (let's say) 300 responses, do you REALLY think she will read them all? Maybe she will go through (or try to) the first 50, maybe by then she has found 1-3 who looks promising. Let's say out of the 300 (75 of them write her a NICE long e-mail, to try and stand out) you want her to READ through them all? Because she is after all LOOKING for a date/partner?
I'm sorry, you can't really DICTATE how others deal with online dating. YOU do it YOUR way, they.. do it their way.
You are saying that that women on dating sites are too picky? And should lower their standards? Because they don't DESERVE to be picky?
I'm NOT in the "dating game". So I can't entirely speak for HOW picky women on dating sites are. Except from what I have heard from my BIL and a good friend of mine who tried the online dating thing. I have heard MANY frustrating tales from both of them when it comes to the whole thing.
My BIL has had to change what he THOUGHT he was looking for to a more realistic endeavor. For instance he is 50 but was looking for women around 25-35 (not older) they had to be fit, brunettes etc... but REALISTICALLY most women in that age group are NOT looking for a 50 year old guy. SO are you saying that the women my BIL (example) were contacting should CHANGE their standards, so men like my BIL can date younger women? That is nonsensical.
He DID end up dating women in the 40-50 age group instead and it seems he is doing MUCH better after he re-adjusted his search - the 2 under 40 women he dated HAD "the LOOK" he likes but they both seemed to have to much emotional baggage and BOTH were looking for someone to take care of them financially. The couple of +40 women he has dated have been self-sufficient, had job, their own house etc. they were looking for a PARTNER to share experiences with.. not someone to "take care" of them.
My friend (female) got overwhelmed by the notes/e-mails she got the first time she posted on a dating site ( Like Cindy mentioned) she got so many notes that she actually felt it was darn near impossible to go through them all. She said that almost half of them was OFFERS of casual sex, 3-somes etc. Another 30% were from men who lived to far away to make it realistic, as she was NOT looking for a LDR - Of the last 30% many of the men were JUST not what she was looking for. Guys who were in jail (yeah, she got a couple of those)guys who were "separated" (as in NOT divorced) older guy (20 years her senior and NOT what she was looking for).
So you are saying my friend (female) has too high idea of what she wants? That she should settle for the jailbird or the 60+ year old guy who wants a pretty lady on his arm?
She ended up switching to a PAID dating site and have done a few "group events" though that site, which she had a lot of fun with. Ironically, she is now dating a guy she met on a college campus tour ( her son started college last year and the guy she is dating, his son started the same year).
You are coming of as being ANGRY that half the worlds population because you didn't get as many "bites" on a dating site as YOU think you should get.
If you feel like you aren't getting "noticed" I would DEFINITELY try something different. Don't forget you are "up against" a whole slew of men. And not just sincere guy, but guys who are NOT looking to date, but are fishing for casual sex partners. Married guys. Guy who are just "browsing" to see what's out there. You find them even on paid dating sites. And you wonder if women are setting too high "standards" for WHAT they want? See, as a male YOU don't HAVE to wade through all those e-mails and notes from guys who are NOT there to find a partner....
Maybe try the group dates or meet ups in your area instead. Maybe you don't come across that well on paper, but better in person?
And I do fully AGREE that people COULD (should) use more manners and consideration in their personal contact, whether it is online or in person. Unfortunately it seems to be rarer and rarer. Again, you cannot control what others do, think or feel... FOCUS on your own actions?
But put the bitterness away, it's not helping you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): Hello again. Your fear is "that in this culture women spend too much time trying to climb a pedestal they shouldn't really be on".....I think this is indicative of why perhaps you aren't getting anywhere here.
pretty offensive remark, and if this is the tone you have about you when you contact women on line, this is likely why they aren't responding as much. You need to understand the following: just because you are on a dating site together doesn't mean they owe you anything - at all, what so ever- In regard to replying simply because you have messaged them.
You say you answer 300 mails a day in your job, this is not comparable. You are paid to do that, anyone on a dating site male or female isn't paid to do this. It's a fickle environment, if you don't like what you see you move on. If you can't cope with that then it likely isn't for you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 Just read Cindy's answer. I think you need to weigh in the number of messages the other person receives. I only got about 10-20 messages a week, although some days 10 a day. These days though, they have a button that sends an automatic message in return with the rejection and cause of rejection. Saved me a lot of time + I didn't get 200 messages at once, lol.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 August 2015):
Uuh, dude, I have an eyeopener for you. You think it's just WOMEN who don't reply? I've been on dating sites too, and I sent by far more messages than I got in return, especially if you leave out the "hi" messages (just hi, nothing else) that some guys will send to ALL the women on the site.
I think some people are just rude, or not actually on the site, just leaving the profile open and looking active because they love the attention. I wrote honest and sincere messages with a certain length to them, specifically for the person I messaged (rather than some generic crap), and I still didn't get many responses. Some people, both men and women, are just not sincere.
I replied to all messages except for the plain generic ones (like those who just said hi). From the sincere ones I got responses as well, even if it was just to turn me down.
I think some people have just been on the site too long and aren't seriously looking for a relationship, they just like to look at the pictures/profiles of others and get attention. Just ignore them.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2015):
Like Cindy said, there ARE more men sending out notes to the women on dating sites, so it starts off uneven - so to speak.
I get the whole "use manners" and decline an offer, but I think it's becomes very common to people to JUST focus on what THEY want/are looking for and leave manner to social interactions.
People don't want to "waste" their time (or yours) with polite little notes.
Which means YOU shouldn't waste YOUR time on those who doesn't reply. Just skip them.
If you use the same approach time after time and "only" get 1 out of 30 to bite, maybe you need to try a different approach? Maybe you have chosen a site that doesn't really FIT what you are looking for or maybe YOU are not being picky enough (or too picky).
I can't even imagine Internet dating today. People who "date" SEVERAL people at the same time because they are so afraid of "missing" out on the "right" person.
Don't take it as a personal offence, I don't think it is.
And don't forget some of these women might even have gone through what Rebecca mentioned, guy who DID NOT like being turned down, who got offensive and aggressive, GUYS who doesn't take no for an answer and keep sending messages because they think "no mean yes, eventually" - which is honestly a pretty scary attitude to meet as a woman.
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male
reader, BE125 +, writes (3 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those who replied, but to the female replies, I think the answer you guys provided is unfortunate. If you say you get a couple hundred messages a day a just don't have time, I don't really believe it in all honesty because if you were serious about finding someone, you would find the time to look at email. If someone replies negatively, there is the block button. If you are on the site to begin with, you must have been looking for someone, correct? At work it's not uncommon for me to get 100 emails in a day because I have over 300 people to care for. I answer every single one, and still have plenty of time to get my work done, and have a life outside work. My fear is that women in this culture are spending too much time climbing up on a pedestal that they shouldn't really be on. I think it's all about your priorities, and perhaps the fact that nobody replies is a good indicator of the character of that person, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise. But frankly ladies, I don't subscribevto your justification and I'll tell you why --because I'm in the same boat at work and I can read everything and reply, and believe me, most of the time the emails that come to me are not easy issues with cut and dry answers, or they are complaints. Seldom if ever do I get compliments, because people are coming to me because they couldn't get help somewhere else. I take someone who takes the time to write to me very seriously because I realize they would like me to respond because they have run out of options. Now I realize this is not the same forum as online dating, but the numbers are basically the same. I agree with my male friends answer, I think maybe it's time to try something else. But ladies, I will leave you with this thought, and please understand I'm trying to be logical and not offensive. If you have to reject 200 people a day either in writing or in your minds eye, do you really believe your expectations in men are realistic? Do you believe you are being fair to yourself or to the men writing to you? Or is it perhaps that you may need to make some adjustments.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 I second the previous answers. Just in social forums (not dating ones) being a woman I was inundated by private messages, and like Cindy I sent out the polite 'thank you for your interest but...' messages because I too was raised to be courteous.
Before long I found I was spending more time rejecting people than I was talking to folks I really DID want to talk to. My women friends who have used dating sites have said the same about those.
So the short answer is women can very quickly be overwhelmed by the volume of mail so it just isn't practical (or even possible) to take time out to answer every single one of them. And as you've already pointed out some men take the attention, despite the rejection, as a sign of hope and they continue the pursuit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): you are operating in your comfort zone but you are offended when women dont reply to your emails. They meanwhile are sticking in their comfort zone and not replying unless they feel it is correct to do so. So this might not be the best way for you to date. You might be better off to network through friends or get out there and socialise.The sad thing is that so many individuals would like to meet someone significantly important to them ,yet they are locked behind closed doors unable to get out ther and mingle.Lack of cash creates this ..so you need to be aware that you are not the only one facing these difficulties..it is commonplace..and review your life to see if there are any other ways you could socialise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): Hi. Please don't take this personally! When I have on line dated I have had something like 200 messages ! Why? Because more men than women message first, and more men than women are looking.
I tried to always respond, but I got a couple of really horrid response when I kindly said they weren't my type.....kind of makes you not respond!
It's a bit of a cattle market I think! And a lottery! Who is on a site, when they r on line, what they r looking for etc etc....its all too surface and superficial really so please don't take things personally- it's a numbers and luck game! !
Best of luck to you sir x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 OP, you are absolutely right on principle, a bit less in practice.
I think it's just... numbers. There are more men looking than women.
I remember my first foray on a dating site some years ago. To be honest ,I was not exactly looking very badly for someone or something specific , mostly I was curious to see how it all worked and what was going to happen.
Therefore I did not bother to pen a catchy or appealing or come-hiterish ad, it was a rather dry and concise : age, weight, height, location, job, looking for. And no pic,- those were pre-Facebook times when people was still wary of plastering their face all over the net.
I did not toot my horn about my physical features, nor try to come across as funny ( which I can be at times ) or intelligent ( which I am ).
What happened was that I got about 200 answers in one day.Now, my mom taught me right, same as yours did , OP, so I immediately set out to answer each message, including all those ( the wide majority ) which did not interest me or whose sender had none of the ( few ) requirements I was looking for.
I started in very Jane Austenish mood, something along the lines of " While I am really honoured for the kind attention you show me by replying to my ad, regretfully I have to say that I do not think we would make a good match blah blah blah, and, thanking you again for your time and interest, I send you my best wishes blah blah ".
I did about 30 then.. I said to myself " Do I want to be polite... or do I want to have a life ?! There's life outside of Internet, and I just can't spend a week or so to send polite rejection notes . Sorry guys- I hope you'll figure it out " .
Now that profiles routinely include pics, and, from what I am told, pics of scantily clad bodies in very revealing clothes- imagine how many answers , say, a good looking woman in a cool bikini might get. 500? 1000 ?
Unless these women want to make their search for a partner become something of a full time job ( ...some do, apparently !- but not all )... it is lamentable but inevitable that not all the messages will get an answer, and some, or most, which for some reason did not immediately intrigued the woman , will just.. slip through the cracks of the dating sites system.
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