A
male
age
51-59,
*othing_gained
writes:I met this woman online, very quickly the relationship escalated emotionaly, we exchanged many pictures and shared with eachother about our feelings, hopes and fears on a very deep level.We decided to meet, so i went down to where she lives and spent 3 days at her house.When i met her my jaw dropped, she didnt look like any of her pictures, not even a tiny bit, it was like a completely different person.I quickly recovered, after all we had connected on an emotional level, and i had strong feelings towards her.The 3 days was wonderful, there were a few gliches, but nothing major.My problem is, we are still talking and everything appears to be ok and moving forward, but iv found that im not attracted to her, maybe even a little repelled.I can see that she is the person i was attracted too in the pictures (and the pictures were up to date) she just let her self go a little.That excitement isnt there for me anymore, I still have feelings for her and i would like to imagine that it could work out, but i cant ask her to change her self because i dont find her attractive.I find myself in a situation where im confused, she may not be what im looking for physicaly but she is everything iv ever looked for in a mate, sincere, devoted, faithful..over all a wonderful person.I'm not sure how to deal with this situation? and i know that if i walk away from her i will hurt her very badly, and that kills me inside.Do i make a clean break of it and chalk it up to experience at the exspense of her feelings?Do i stick with her and hope she will change and i will be attracted to her, makes me feel very shallow, and i dont like that feeling.Thank you for your answers. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (28 August 2010):
 a good idea is to watch each other on webcam before you meet. Pictures don't do any justice. But u should also keep in mind,women aren't like men.I look 10 times different with curly hair,than I do with straight hair.The hair color is also important. Glasses/contacts are important. Now,in your case,you saw the woman without make up. If her skin is in a bad state,you can take her to a dermatologist,they do wonders.
Now,the question is,HOW you do it? Without looking like a jerk. I would say keep dating her,and build her trust towards you,then after a month,invite her to your town,and say you have a surprise for her.Go with her to a spa,have a sauna together etc,and then have someone tell her that her face needs serious treatment.Then tell her you know a very good dermatologist and take her to see him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): This is very common with online dating. I would end it now and tell her you are not ready. You do not want to hurt her feelings but if you are repulsed , that is not good. This has happened to me many times from internet dating. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Ask her to exercise with you, go along shopping with her and offer a make up treatment at the make up counter, Help her feel beautiful and she will become beautiful. sometimes women need help, especially after a bad marriage. Self esteem is in the crapper and they need for someone to love them for who they are not for what they are outside.Continue the relationship even if it's without sex, see if it improves. Become friends and help her if you do think that all her other qualities are worth sticking around. It's hard to find a complete match. Sometimes you need to help that person mold into a better version of themselves.If you have the patience of doing that, do it. You might get well rewarded at the end. If her self esteem is bad telling her those things will only hurt her, not help her. Do things to improve her without telling her that the way she is right now is not good.
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A
male
reader, nothing_gained +, writes (26 August 2010):
nothing_gained is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer pictures are so different its as though she took them of her friend and sent them to me.Let her self go? She is a little heavy around the mid section, she is not obese or anything, mainly i think i was taken back by her face, real unhealthy cast to her skin.....its not that the pictures she sent me made her appear as a super model..there normal pictures of a woman smiling wearing make up at a slightly downward angle.I did mention to her that she didnt look like her pictures and that she appeared to have let her self go a bit, which i thought was understandable, considering a 20 year marriage she got out of a year ago that beat down her self asteem.Im not sure it was the right thing to bring up to her, but i couldnt pretend everything was perfect.She has the potential to look like the woman she see's herself as in her pictures, and that i also see her as.When i brought the subject up..it didnt go over well, there was no communication about the subject, even now.I think if she were to open up to me about my expectations and hers and whats possible and whats not, i could stick by her and help her realize she is beautiful and have it become a reality,im 40 years old and pretty attractive man, or handsome as women would say...I wasnt always though, i let my self go, drank for 20 years, had a huge beer belly..but i quit drinking, lost 65 pounds, started taking care of myself....I see its possible, at least it was for me..maybe she is not strong enough, maybe she dont wanna change, maybe she cant.Im finding it hard to keep focused and be excited, when im not getting any feed back from her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2010):
 If the physical chemistry isn't there, it isn't there. You can not force it.
I would let her down nicely though.
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A
male
reader, jake79  +, writes (26 August 2010):
The exact same thing happened to me...i call it false advertising. I met a girl on the net, got along great..soulmate sort of stuff. I met her in person and the face looked the same, the 300kg body below did not. I was torn, and thought well stop being so shallow and see where this goes. I still had great coversations and thought my emotional needs were met. But when it came to the bedroom, i had no interest in going anywhere near her body..almost repulsed, i couldn't tell this poor girl what i really thought, the sex was crap, had more fun jerking myself of to a magazine, felt like a prositute - just grin and bear it. I too thought just wait you will get over the issue and i will love her for what she is....well 6 weeks go by and i just had enough,could not take watching her fat body wobble in front of me, could not find the breasts, just fat rolls, i hated it, the femininity was not there...told her work was too hectic and i couldn't handle the relationhip right now...told her i was really sorry and got out quick smart. How do you tell someone that you would rather not have sex with them because their body repulsed you? go see a dietician or personal trainer..and yes everything you wear makes you look fat..and yes my friends think your fat too but won't say anything...atleast not until we are broken up.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Pictures are modified to attract men, that's the trap in online dating. You'll never be certain on how she looks like unless you meet her.
I'm confused about "I can see that she is the person i was attracted too in the pictures (and the pictures were up to date) she just let her self go a little." - what do you mean? She has freckles? Is she fat? Bad acne? Messy hair? Well, if so, she offered what it took to attract people, that's the whole point. On the other hand, we're not perfect, nobody's perfect, but the way you put it, she's guilty for offering you a fake image of herself and now you feel betrayed. It's only normal. If she's not as ugly as a toad and you've built an emotional bond, you could still try to work it out somehow. But it's your choice.
You probably must be feeling that she lied to you somehow and you can't overcome this, rather than the fact itself that she's not physically attractive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): If you are not attracted than that's it; you must leave her as soon as possible so that both of you can move on. What you've learned from all this is to never let yourself get attached to anyone through online dating, as it's a recipe for disappointment.
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A
female
reader, Alittlebroken +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I think it is very important to feel attracted to someone when you are considering a relationship with them- so don't feel like you are being shallow; you can't force yourself to find someone attractive. I would be careful about leading her on though, I have found that if the attraction isn't there, most of the time you just can't get past it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): Its very rare to find someone who is devoted, loving, caring etc and even rarer to find a person with those qualities AND common interests who loves you back. From what you describe you have the basis for a potentially strong relationship. You seem to get on as friends, you had fun with her and you genuinely seem to like her.
When I met my now husband for the first time (we met online, also) I wasn't attracted to him at all. However, as I spent more time with him and allowed his personality to shine through I realised that there is no one better looking.
I say, at that very least give the woman and relationship a chance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I'm confused. If her pictures were up to date, how did she "let herself go"? People usually can't gain noticeable weight that fast. Does she have a mustache or isn't wearing makeup? Was there glasses and messy hair??
Many people when they meet online (doesn't have to be romantic relationships) have a bit of a shock when meeting in person. If you take some time (i.e. more than 3 days), that disconnect would pass! Maybe both of you should get webcams and try talking using them.
It's quite possible that she was every bit as shocked and taken aback by your appearance as well. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 What repulses you about her? You say she looks like she just let herself go? Have you talked to her about it, tell her you're quite worried about the fact that she doesn't look as healthy. (I'm assuming it's that kind of physical decline).
I hope that helps.
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