A
male
age
51-59,
*uarky
writes:Does knowing the answer help the heartache? In short, I'm married, she's married, both have kids and work together. Recently we told each other how we felt - head over heels in love - and have been meeting after work or at lunchtime - purely to talk - there's been nothing more and won't ever be. We're both thankfully sensible enough to talk through how we feel and why it can never happen - in fact we're encouraging each other to work on our marriages and it's not just lip service. No matter what, we'll always be best friends and I guess that's the key. Doesn't stop the feelings or the heartache tho - will be a while until they fade! Not so much a question I suppose - more of a cry from the heart - even doing the right thing can hurt like hell.
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (3 November 2007):
quarky is verified as being by the original poster of the question an update. I've left my wife and you know what? It's the best decision I've ever made. I realise now that the other woman was not the issue as we still will never be together- that was very much a distraction from the issues in my marriage which was inevitably gonna end, sooner or later anyway. my message is that life is too, too short. sometimes you gotta just take the stand and do what you gotta do- for everyone's sake.
A
female
reader, theotherwoman +, writes (24 August 2007):
It is all very commendable but you will end up getting divorced and being with this woman i will bet money on it. the heart wants what the heart wants - you have to be a pretty strong person to fight the heart.
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 I read the original post. He's in love with someone who is not his wife, though they've stopped short of any physical relationship. If I were the wife, I'd be devastated that my spouse was in love with another woman, even if he had never touched her. The lack of a physical relationship doesn't mean that it's not cheating.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 I'm glad you and your wife are talking it out. Good luck with everything.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 August 2007):
 No anon. Theres rarely a right or wrong answer, but i am not hiding behind an anon & a fair few people didnt actually read the guys original post obviously.....
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (22 August 2007):
quarky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for the comments people! To the angry people, yes, I know it's wrong. Since we got married, I have never even considered anyone other than my wife and have similar views to you about people who cheat. I've never let myself get even close to a situation which may result in anything happening. To suggest I don't expect to meet others and be attracted to them, that I'm wandering due to a mid life crisis and that I think of my wife as warty with no libido and so on is frankly astounding in its puerility. You're making assumptions based on nothing. I didn't ask to fall in love but s**t just happens sometimes - it's how you deal with it that matters. do you think I want your sympathy? yeah right. what's happened to me has made me look at my marriage with fresh eyes - there are changes we both have to make and as recently as last night, we're starting to talk properly again. I appreciate your opinion- here's mine - the way in which you've said some of the things you have is to say the least counter productive. Still agree with much of what you've said but come on! To the rest of those who answered, thanks for being objective.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): I didn't read anything different from you hlskitten. But thanks for enlightening us with your opinion a second time. I still agree with myself, I think he did something very wrong. Is that ok? For me to think that? Are you the opinion tyrant who monitors that there only be one right answer to every post?
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (22 August 2007):
Has everyone read something different to me & rockelle, i was sure this guy said nothing sexual has happened between him & his work mate & never would. He just wanted to vent a bit because he thinks a lot of someone but because he loves his wife & doesnt want to cheat on her, nothing can happen.
If what he says is true, and obviously we have to assume it is, surely he should be praised for not disregarding his wife & falling into a full on affair with his work mate? Lots of people fall for others, its how they deal with it that counts.
Hope it works out for you quarky
C xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): You let yourself fall in love with another woman and think you have done nothing wrong just because it wasn't physical?? You don't think your wife would find what you have done utterly humiliating? Don't fool yourself cause you have already cheated just so you know. Cheating of the mind is still CHEATING. Only thing is that you have decided to end it. The damage is done though! Even if nothing physical happened, what you have done is DEFINITELY cheating. And now it is just a matter of time before karma comes around to bite you in the rear.And like birdynum said, you didn't know you were going to run into other attractive people during your marriage? Jeez that's life. Normal people have enough respect for their wives and for their marriage vows to turn them down and to ONLY confide in their wives. Next time around don't go getting married and making promises that you can't keep.
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (22 August 2007):
I guess the whole point is that you are talking about things with your crush instead of your wife. Once you make those vows, you have PROMISED to hold them sacred. You are no longer confiding in your wife, you are confiding in the person that you want to cheat on your wife with. I have always believed that the mark of a man is that his word and bond. Marriage is a promise, most married people know that they are going to run into others that they find attractive - that's life. It's how you behave when you are confronted by those choices that shows your character. You are married, before you start to let your mind, heart and voice wander, you should have been keeping those things in check and setting up boundaries for you own behaviour. That is what is expected of you once you make those promises. Many men wander during a mid-life crisis, but I can assure you that you are inviting even MORE complications into your life. Life WILL be SO much simpler with a first wife, your children from your lirst marriage, your ex-In- Laws (Yes, THEY don't disappear if you have kids), your new wife, the blended families, your new kids... etc. If marriage wasn't easy the first time around, imagine how easy the next one will be with all the complications. "Fatal Attraction", the movie, should be required viewing by any man thinking that the grass in greener on the other side. Your crush has the same warts, bad habits and poor sexual libido that you think that your wife has. How much better would your marriage be if you put all of those fantasies and spent all of that conversation on your wife instead?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): I don't know dude. What about your wife? I thought you loved her? Isn't that why people get married?
I understand that you feel like you are inlove with this woman (yeah the grass always looks greener on the other side) but you gotta know that even though it is just talking, cheating of the mind is still cheating.
I come from a divorced family and THANK GOD that it was not due to either of my parents being unfaithful. Cause that is something I could never forgive them for. I know shit happens. But christ! you have a family. It just should have never even crossed your mind to take it any further. Maybe your relationship with your wife sucks. But even though you didn't do anything physical, the damage is done, in my opinion.
Just stop it. And stop thinking of your own heartache. What about your family's heartache if they find out?
I am going to go ahead and give you advice. In my opinion, either get over your heartache (it's not that hard to do) and step up to your responsibility for your family and WIFE. OR dump your family and be with her. But I don't like this in between thing. And I really don't feel sorry for you.
You don't think I have ever had heartache?? But I have integrity too.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (21 August 2007):
You two are playing with fire.
I know you're technically not doing anything wrong, but you're also neither of you putting all your emotions into your marriages. You're skirting very close to a kind of emotional cheating, and the pain of it won't go away as long as you put this kind of energy into it.
I have advice that is really hard, and I'm sorry. Both of you should stop, and put that energy into your marriages (either fixing them or ending them). Anything else just isn't honest. As long as you see your special friend it will be like picking a scab -- your heart will never heal over. Until you're out of love with him, you need to cut off contact. I'm sorry.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 August 2007):
Hi
Knowing you have done the right thing doesnt always mean its easy to get over. Ive been in that situation when i ended a 2 yr relationship with someone i adored but knew we had too big an age gap to work. It did take me a hell of a long time to get over him, but i did in the end & we are even mates these days, txt now n then & speak if we see each other out. We split 3 years ago. I wouldnt dream of getting back with him, so seriously, the feelings do pass.
Its a shame you cant change your job though :o(
C xxxxx
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female
reader, smeedle +, writes (21 August 2007):
 Oh how my heart has gone out to you, you are doing the right thing but in what you say i feel your pain.
I won`t go over old ground and tell you that you should never be together as to do that would make me a hypocrite and that im not, but all I can say is that love will come and go but true friendship is everlasting and very preciouse. Today you love each other and that I doubt not but tommorow one of you may feel differently or maybe not, we cannot see into the future and part of me wants to say bugger what is right and go for it as life is short but the decent and sensible part of me say`s stay friends nothing more as the ammount of people you hurt is a lot.
Good luck and stay focused on friendship, no matter how hard and hurtful that is.
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (21 August 2007):
 You are absolutely right, the easy thing to do would be to sneak around and have a complicated love affair and risk losing your family. You are doing the right thing, it may not be easy but you have a commitment to your wife. Maybe you should rethink your friendship because it will not get any easier. My opinion is to stay away if you for a while.
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