A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm the kinda girl who is always nice and wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally. My boyfriend can be very nice but when he wants to be he can be very hurtful say nasty things, hang up the phone on me, put me down by saying I can't do stuff etc. Sometime I see him as a bully. I'm so soft and usually end up in tears at least once a month. My parents are now at the stage where they don't want me to see him anymore. I don't know what to do. Sometimes he makes me happy but other times very sad? I guess if I didn't live at home my parents wouldn't see the hurt I go through. Maybe I shouldn't have any hurt in a loving relationship? Please help I need to decide whether to end it (but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do so) Thanks xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (22 August 2007):
He seems absuvie to me. He doesnt seem to have respect for you as a person. No one should put you down, and its even worse when someone claims they love you, and is suppose to love you, but they do that.
His behaviour is wrong and you SHOUDLNT feel like that. I know someone here said that there are always going to be prpoblems in a relationship, which is true but there is NEVER a excuse or good reason for someone to give you no respect. It doesnt matter how bad his day was or that his mother died or whatever...he shoudlnt lose respect for you and treat you badly. I know alot of people think its ok if they are going through a hard time but its not, it is still abuse. Dont put up with something like this.I know its hard, but imagine how much EASIER life would be if you left him and found a guy who showed you respect 100% all the time? You wouldnt be crying so much.
I would give him ONE chance to fix his behaviour. Tell him he is hurting you when he does things like that. And if he can change then maybe consider staying. But generally people who are abusive like this take a LONG time to change. And they need to realise they have a problem and seek pro help in order to make this change. So unless that can happen, I dont see things improving.
I have been in a VERY similar situation to you. I found the strength to leave my abusive bf. If you want to talk and more support, message me anytime :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): No man who loves you, should purposely hurt you enough to make you cry. So, listen to your parents..most definitely. Your parents are responsible, caring people who are looking out for you. And what is the first thing that responsible parent's do when they see their daughter in a bad situation? They step up to the plate and they say, "We love you but my dear-this guy is hurting you and this really has to stop. This is not healthy" So why can't you see it?? Because you are blind, emotionally. You love for him is over-riding your rational thought here. I think if you were able to look into your future, you would realize that being with him means a life of caretaking him and tolerating his abuse. People generally get worse with their behaviors after marriage or long term dating.
You said "My boyfriend can be very nice but when he wants to be he can be very hurtful say nasty things, hang up the phone on me, put me down by saying I can't do stuff etc. Sometime I see him as a bully."
Sign of an abuser: As the male, Somewhat Anonymous below, pointed out, this is the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. He's nice, loving and caring for a while and then will do a complete turn around in his moods. Abusers switch off and on, moods swing back and forth, for no reason, at all. Is he doing this? If he is, you are being hurt in the worst way...he damaging your spirit.
You said "Sometimes he makes me happy but other times very sad?"
Signs of an abuser: Some females think their relationship would be perfect if not for his bad moments. These 'moments' seem to be coming more and more often. Between these moments, life with him is awesome. But do you feel edgy when you feel one of his 'moments' coming on? Do you do anything to avoid this moment? If you do, this is a red flag. When you feel nervous, edgy, scared, afraid, anxious of his bad moments..you are being abused. You don't feel safe. We all have bad moods, hun-that is human. But usually when two people in a healthy, love relationship argue, neither of them should feel scared of the other. A bit pissed off with each other-yes-but never , ever afraid. In a healthy relationship, a fight is usually amended by a bit of space, a quick apology, some negotiation and compromise, kiss and make up..and it's over. But fear never comes into it...never!
It doesn't sound like your needs are being met, dear and your parents recognize that. Take off the blinders..and do some research on the internet about 'abusive'partners. Learn about the signs. And dear, take note of what your parents are trying to say...they love and cherish you. They also have wisdom and maturity, under their belts. Try to see what they see. Learn about abuse and what could be happening to you.
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A
male
reader, Abacadaba +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Hey there, if you think every relationship is full of sunshine and buttercups, youve watched too many love films. Yes he shouldnt be a 'bully' but you have to understand that no matter how strong a relationship is, there are always problems. if its getting you down that much, then tell him, things cant be sorted if the other person doesnt know. If he understands what hes doing is hurting you, and doesnt stop, then end the relationship, because that shows he doesnt care. I know where your coming from, i myself see myself as soft as dog s--t, ill oftern let girls who im involved with treat me like dirt, but always go running back, my brother has got at the end of his teather with me because ive let a certain girl get the better of me SO many times. You ARE strong enough to end it, if need be, just make sure that your parents know youve ended it (seeing how they know whats going on) and naturally, they will take care of you. If you want to discuss this in private, then feel free to message me.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (22 August 2007):
Because you are nice, you have trouble saying no to him and leaving and give the benefit of the doubt. If it is that bad, then leave and walk away from this. He sounds like Jekyll and Hyde and it is forcing your relationship into extreme bipolarism. Unless you're ultra sensitive and cry because he told you your shoe is untied or something, then he's the one with the problem.
Quit worrying about others in this situation and do something for yourself this time. Leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): Leave. You have to. There are better men out there! Plus imagine the hurt your parents are going through when they see their "little girl" being treated like garbage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): When I was 20 I dated a man who would send me home crying about once a week. He was sweet and smart when he wanted to be but he was hot-headed and downright CRUEL to me when he was angry (usually about me hanging out with my guy friends that I've known for years and years). The verbal abuse and guilt I felt were unbearable and I finally had to say "This is my relationship too. I am ALLOWED to break up with you, and that's what I'm doing. You can't boss me around anymore! I deserve happiness. I just don't like you." He stalked, he called non-stop, he sent me HORRIBLE emails, Hell, he sent my friends horrible emails too.
My break up with him was over 6 months in the making. I felt dependent... comfortable. So it was hard.
Just remember that you deserve to be treated like a lady. Relationships are a two way street. Just give him a warning if straight up cutting him off is too hard. Something like "If you make me cry again/say those things to me/call me that one more time, I am taking my stuff and leaving you. I expect to be respected if you want to continue this relationship with me"
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (21 August 2007):
 Look into your heart and tell me what you feel, by writing what you have wrote I know you know the answer to your question you just want us to re-assure you that what you need to do is in fact the right way.
Well let me tell you that yes you should leave him, he upsets you and makes you cry, that is not right and yes it does sound like he is a bully.
Your parents feel your pain and as parents we want to make the hurt go away, that is our job and they see this bloke hurting there daughter and they feel for you, but you have to do the ending, they cannot do it for you and I am glad that you live at home as when you do end it with this bloke you will need there love and support to get you through the pain that will surely come, but it is a pain that will fade with time and one day you will meet the man you are destined for, one that makes you smile and laugh not one that makes you cry, one that builds you up, not puts you down. One that listens to you even if what you have to say is boring or trivial, not one that hangs up on you (how rude!) So there we go, just follow what you know is right and bin the bugger!!
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (21 August 2007):
 No, you shouldn't have so much hurt in a loving relationship. Did you talk to him about this? Did you tell him how much it hurts when he does and say these things? If you did and he still continue doing these things, then I must say that I don't think he pays any respect for your feelings. And if he doesn't, then my advice is that you should stop seeing him. You are strong enough because you know you deserve to feel happy, otherwise you wouldn't have written this.
Trust your feelings!
Take good care, wish you luck.
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