A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and gals.alright so where to start.Ive been in a relationship for a lil over 4 years now, it used to be great but now i have a few concerns/issues i was hoping to get some feedback for.*facts*me and my gf have had sex before.ive never cheated on her, she has never cheated on me (as far as i know).shes 22 im 20.right so, my partner and I havnt had sex in like a year and a half, we used to have sex all the time at first but now has decreased to nothing, ive tried talking to her about it but i get brushd off with, "I don't know why I'm not in the mood" or "I'm tired" or "its to early" and then it gets blown up into a full scale argument. don't get me wrong I'm not ALL about the sex but I feel that its an important part to any relationship and its starting to wear me down..id like to think i fully trust my girlfriend and maybe its a guy thing or maybe its just me, but every so often i get a bad feeling or a suspicion that she has or is thinking about cheating, one example. I saw an email she had left open the other day saying that she had spent half an hour talking to this swis dude blah blah (her friend askd her a question) and my gf replied i dont know *i didnt even get his number it was leave then or get ditched (by her mates)* She was drinking in town that night so it might sound worse than it actualy was but if she wanted a guys number??? kinda makes me think..so any way here are my questions. How do i get her to talk to me openly and honestly about the sex probelm?should i confront her about the email i saw? I dont want to end it because i love her and she says she loves me too but i want to do what is right for me and also her.regardsTxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the replys.
@anonymous while it could seem strange that shes using birth control yet we're not having sex. she has been on it for like the last 7 or so years. its government funded so costs like 3 bucks for 6 months script it maybe more of habbit than any thing, but for all i know u could b right and i the fool.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Souns a bit fishy to me using birth control if she is not alledgely having sex?? Really dude you need to wise up to the possibilty she is getting hers somewhere else...You need to resolve this issue as it is important to you or let her go
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A
male
reader, Vaeys  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I'm sorry dude, but it kind of sounds like she's manipulating you and/or is bored of you.
That stuff can happen after a relationship has passed the "honeymoon" stage. One arty gets bored, causing the other party to become disinterested and to question the relationship.
Sex is part of the 3 main pillars of a relationship: Physical, Mental, Emotional.
Ask yourself these questions.
I she interested in doing anything physical? (i.e. being intimate, sex, etc.) This has already been answered. NO.
Is she emotionally in the relationship? (i.e. in touch with how you both feel, willing to discuss things for the sake of you two, etc.)
Is she mentally in the relationship? (when there is a problem, is she rational and logical in order to solve it. kind of like emotional, but more reasonable.)
If not..dude, it's time to break it off. Yeah, it'd suck because you guys have been together for 4 years but sometimes you just have to step up the plate and be a man about things. If you're unhappy, why continue to be so?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): "my partner and I havnt had sex in like a year and a half, we used to have sex all the time at first but now has decreased to nothing,"Sex followed by no sex at all, for that type of duration, means some serious psychological issues exist and there are only three options open to you. There are three major courses of action open to you.Option #1: End the relationship and don't try to find out what the problem is. This is the easiest on you in the short run. End it on good terms, but also let her know why.Option#2: Go to counseling and hash it out and find out what is really going on. This is a major, major, issue. It will take months, and may not work.Option #3: Accept it and realize that you may never have sex again and she might be happy with it that way. This is a painful and troubling way to live though, and one or both of you will eventually get sex elsewhere. Some couples do live this way, although it is rather rare.
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A
female
reader, just a female +, writes (7 February 2011):
 you sound like a really nice guy and i definately doesn't sound like you are pressuring her into anything she doesn't want.you say you used to have sex all the time? was that with or without her being on birth control?you say you take her out to charm her. well there is no problem there either. i think research into the birth control thing and talk to her about what it affecting you.tell her that you love her and you would really like to get back to you guys sexual intimate time.hope this helpsxx
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (7 February 2011):
You are very very welcome because there is a HUGE chance that is the problem :) she can switch to a new form and tell her doc she has lost her sex drive or just got back to condoms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@patientlywaiting: thanks for the reply. yes my girlfriend does use birth control, not sure if that is the reason for the low libido but its something i could look into/discuss with her. thanks
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (6 February 2011):
IS she on birth control? Sometimes that can destroy your libido and you just do not want sex. If not then she has a naturally low libido which is not good for you because you obviously want to have sex. Stay if you can deal with that. I couldn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the replys.
@amandab. im aware that its not all about the sex and i agree with you we do need to talk but like i said its a handfull to get anything out of her on this subject. other than the sex we're a prety tight in the relationship.
@olderhandirt, thank you for your opinion.
@bernie. again i wish i could find out whats going on in her head, believe me i have tried and tried. i understand that womem have off days and what not but im not trying to have sex with her every day or anything of that sort. we go out for dinner and stuff like that occasionally, i also like to suprise her with lil things like bringing a picnic type lunch down to her on her lunch break etc. also i dont think the swiss dude was dilberate but may be a blessing in dsguise.
@wheeler, thanks again for the reply. we have no problem being naked together, showering, cudling any of that but when it comes to fooling around/sex its a differnt story, also we spend quite a bit time together most nights one of us will stay at each others houses and most weekends we always see each other during some of it together depending on plans and general stuff like that
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Well, you both started dating when you were very young, and are now making the transition to adult life.
During this period of your life there are going to be many many changes to both of you in every area of your lives. You need to be focused on embracing those changes and staying on a positive path, first of all.
As for your relationship. I think it would be dangerous for anyone to guess for you whether she might be cheating. That being said, she might be cheating. :-)
The reality is that you are both in a period of your life where libido should be running rather high. And although some people never have an intense need for sex, there should be a healthy level of intimacy. That is, the two of you should certainly be comfortable touching each other ina loving way, even if not having sex. If that is not taking place, then I would suggest there may be some reason to worry.
If neither of you had had sex yet, or only had sex a few times, then I would understand the current circumstance. But knowing that you already had sex often and then just stopped for what is now a significant period of time is really odd. How often are you two together?
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A
female
reader, Dear Bernie  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Dear anonymously, I feel you should try to find more about what is going on with your girlfriend. We women have off day's like time of the month and she may think you see her as a sex object. Try to dine and wine her and run her a lovely bubble bath. Let her know it's not all about sex, as for her the swiss man its just away of her telling you something. Get to know her! Good Luck
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I think you can rule out ever having sex with this gal ever again and start from there. There is a "relationship" around every bend in the road. If I were you I'd head on down that road.Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear but it's what I think and I'm not out yto stear you wrong. I have no horse in the race.
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A
female
reader, amandab +, writes (6 February 2011):
oh dear, its not all about the sex, yes but goodness its part of a relationship isnt it. there is something not right here, not sure about cheating but you both need to sit and chat. are there any other problems in the relationship, are you in a rut? are you both bored? until you ask the question you will not know the answer. dont let this drag on, if one of you is not happy it is maybe the end of the road if you can not sort it
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