A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am finding it very hard to like myself right now. I flunked out at college, I am a virgin and I have never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl. I have accomplished nothing and feel that I never will. I will be turning 22 in a few days and I don't know how to pick myself up or if it is worth trying. I would really like to be able to face myself and look at myself with pride but I can't find any redeeming features about myself. What are good ways to build self respect and become confident, given my circumstances?
View related questions:
confidence, gain confidence, never had a girlfriend, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (22 January 2013):
A lot of people flunk college, I got into university in Australia and failed miserably and was not allowed to ever take that degree again. I'm not sure what it's like in your country but a degree doesn't define you, there are so many accomplished people out there who never did well in shool. Albert Einstein was one of them. Like alot of previous commenters said, set some goals, I'd go as far as saying what do you like doing? What are you good at and maybe chase those. As for you being a virgin trust me, a virgin even at your age is not a big thing. The number of women you slept with also doesn't define who you are or how sucessful you are. IF you feel you need therapy then take the opportunity but remember there are very few people who can say "I made it, I got a college degree, a well 6 figure salary and banged dozens of women" at age 22-25, it's unrealistic. I'm only just starting my career and I'm 27. Everyone is different;.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (5 January 2013):
Good idea, OP. Set a goal, or a whole bunch of them and start ticking off the boxes. What I like to do is to set progress goals. Sometimes when you set a big goal, it seems so far away it's hard to judge how you're going to get there. By setting milestones along the path, you'll know you're progressing, which makes you gain confidence and motivation.
For example, for a long time I wanted to get fitter. That in itself is pretty vague. So I set goals like how much bodyfat I wanted to lose, and that I wanted to be able to properly do full push-ups, pull-ups, and other exercises that were challenging for me. It's much easier to see results that way because you mark them.
Oh, one more thing: next time your buddies give you a hard time about not having a gf, be straight with them. "I don't have a problem with it, so why do you? Aren't friends supposed to support each other instead of tearing each other down?" That should shut them up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help. I think i will find out what i really want and where i want to be, then work towards it
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 January 2013):
First I'm giving a nod to Abella's post. Very useful info in there, so definitely take the time to read through it all.
The reason why I'm replying is because I want to share my own experiences with this. I used age as a measuring stick for success the same way you're doing right now. The problem is that everyone moves at a different pace and that going faster is not always better. Yes, there are people at your age who seem on top of the world. But that doesn't guarantee a good future. And it's no use comparing yourself to them either because your values, interests, morals, etc. may be very different from theirs.
Also, college is not for everyone. In fact, if we didn't have people to do the groundwork, the whole system would collapse. So if studying and exercising your brain all day isn't for you, don't feel bad about it. I know there's pressure for young people to get a degree in order to 'succeed' in life, but right now a lot of those people can't get a job because all the spots are filled up.
So try to figure out what you enjoy. Maybe you're a hands on guy. Maybe you like the outdoors. Start with broad strokes (in what environment do I feel the most comfortable) and start specifying after that. This may be difficult. I myself struggled a lot with it because my mind got cluttered with other people's expectations and their definition of 'success.' Try to let go of that and just aim to become happy. Being happy can mean living a simple life. If you really don't know where to start, write down the things you DON'T want to do. It can clear up your mind and let you make connections you couldn't before.
Also, try to find a job on the side. Something simple, but something that brings food on the table. I'm a parttime bartender and bike messenger. It's simple work, but when you're done you'll feel accomplished because you're earning money and doing something. That kind of thing can really help your confidence.
As for being a virgin, I'd much rather be with a guy who has no experience than some man slut who bangs every chick he comes across. It wouldn't be a problem for me at all, as long as he's honest about it and doesn't pretend to be someone he's not. A lot of my friends feel the same. So don't feel bad about yourself. It's much more important to work towards becoming something you're proud of, by your OWN standards than just someone who follows the herd mindlessly.
Good luck and trust me, you're not alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 January 2013):
 At your age it can be very easy to think that you have not yet achieved your dreams and it all looks too hard. You are not alone. Some very very successful people have faced a situation just like you. In fact wanting to be successful can often be the catalyst to motivate a person to strive for success in the future. So first I am going to give you a series of articles to help you with some self esteem issues about dating girls and approaching girls.
But in the second part of this answer I am going to demonstrate that YOU worrying that you might not be successful may well be indicating that eventually you CAN be SUCCESSFUL.
First you need some more self esteem
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
a step by step process to self Confidence
This is a Top Article and I rate it at 10 stars = it is even better than 5 stars
Author: Code Warrior
Then you need the next tutorial:
a substantial article for men - representing a Master-class for men in how to become more appealing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html
Authot: Odds
I suspect that you are a really nice guy. Girls eventually love to marry nice guys as they are good partners and wonderful fathers to their children:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/nice-guys-.html
Author followtheblackrabbit
AND some dating tips would help too:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/20-questions-to-ask-someone-on-a-date.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/real-love.html
Author AskEve – a really good Aunt on DearCupid.org
And once you find love then this is important too:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/unprotected-sexnever-worth-it.html
= :):):)
Yes the symbols above do represent the avatar of this wise Aunt on DearCupid.org
And so is this
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-not-to-become-a-cheater.html
well who in a loving happy relationship would ever want to cheat on their partner? But the excuses keep coming, as we all know on dearcupid.org.
Author: Annalisa
As you are in Botswana you may not know some of the names of very successful people in the West. So I have also included some well known Botswana born people in one of the lists below.
Twenty six famous people who failed at first:
http://www.businessinsider.com/26-successful-people-who-failed-at-first-2012-7?op=1enty
And of those successful people above who you may not have ever heard of? Well here are some examples from that article.
Thomas Edison – without him you may never have been able to turn on a light. Imagine that?
Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders? One Thousand Restaurants turned him away and told him no one would want to buy his chicken.
Honda Motorcyles? Without Soichiro Honda persisting after Toyota chose not to employ him there may never have been a Honda Motor Cycle.
Walt Disney who made many well known cartoons? (Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck) He was sacked by his employer as “lacking imagination”
Sir Sidney Poitier the famous actor and now Diplomat was turned away from his first audition for an acting role and told to take up a job as a dish-washer.
All those successful people learned to BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES even if no one else would.
You probably have far more skills than you could ever imagine. And untapped skills within you that you have not yet developed nor yet recognized. Start believing in your and get back to your studies, set up a study timetable, apply yourself, and you may be surprised what starts to happen.
Do not get distracted by lazy people or people who want to waste their time doing bad things or dumb things and focus on the good people who study hard and you can succeed.l
Fifty people who became very successful after they failed at first:
http://www.onlinecollege.org/2010/02/16/50-famously-successful-people-who-failed-at-first/
More people who failed at first:
http://getbusylivingblog.com/famous-people-who-found-success-despite-failures/
Botswana Celebrities who have succeeded:
http://www.knowbotswana.com/botswana-celebrities.html
And Sir Seretse Khama did not have an easy time because he married a woman he loved. This was to cause him some problems, yet he overcame difficulties and he succeeded in the end
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seretse_Khama
Sir Ketumile Masire was expected to become low-paid migrant laborers in the mines of South Africa but he overcome those lowly expectations.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quett_Masire
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Find a cause that you feel strongly about and join a non profit or activism group and get involved. It could be anything like the environment, animal welfare, stopping violence against women, or local community based like helping the homeless in your city or being a big brother to kids from broken homes. Whatever it is, it has to be someone that speaks to uou personally so that you feel driven. Meeting people who feel the same is a great way to make new friends and connect with people. Your shared goals and sense of purpose will give you renewed strength. Working to make the world a better place is great for self esteem. If you are passionate about the cause you will meet like minded people and thereby expand your social circle from which you may find a potential girlfriend. 22 is very young you have your decades ahead of you to meet people and accomplish new things.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Being a MAN is about having a sense of PURPOSE in life. A sense of purpose will be aquired when you DECIDE to have a MISSION in life. You can only choose your mission when you recognize your GIFTS/TALENTS. These are inherent abilities which every soul (including you) walking on this planet were blessed with at birth. You see, college education will not tell you who you are. It will only show you the myriad of possible paths you can take in life. So if you ride all your hopes & deams on college education without knowing who you are, life will truly hold no purpose for you. Therefore, what you need to do now is to begin recognizing who you are by discovering your gifts/talents. Once you've discovered them, wether it be a logical mind, artculate speech or writing, creativity in sound or sight, begin to perfect them through knowledge (read books about how to sharpen your gifts/talents) & skills (devote your gifts/talents to practice through consistent hard work with dedication). Spend your 20's perfecting your gifts/talents so that you can build a body of work overtime. By the time you enter your 30's you will see that your youth wasn't wasted on booze, parties, women & all those rubbish which rob you off your youthful potential. You have used it to build yourself up & set yourself up for something great: a mission. Once you've perfected your gifts/talents you will have a clear sense of your special place in this world & thus you will know your mission, what you were destined to become in life. When you have a clear vision of your mission, life goals will be easy to set because they will have their reference point in your mission. Your journey to manhood has begun. You have only one life to live so live it wisely & purposefully. Don't worry about not being successful with women. Real women truly desire a man. What is a man? A male who has a sense of purpose & direction in life. That is what you must become. I believe you are destined for greatness.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. I feel sad because i will be the last person from my primary and high school classes to get a degree and it makes me feel inferior. I wouldn't mind not having kissed a girl if people didn't get on my case about it and if there were more people like me cause right now it seems like i am the only virgin out of everyone i have ever known.
I am trying to find a job while i am out of school and have started working on my fitness as well as reading more books than before.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Hi,I'm sorry to hear about you failing college. Things can go wrong, but the most important is to not quit. No matter how painful it feels. What you could do instead is take positive actions e.g. Look up what you could do: work? take another course?Please try and keep a routine (3 meals a day). I am sure you are loved even if you don't realise it, or always feel it. Being a virgin or losing your virginity should not be a goal. If you want to connect with people and meet girls join a club, go out with your friends. Also, I agree with the previous answer: Confidence is key and attractive. Don't forget that. Desperation is on the other hand a big turn-off for most girls so just relax and speak to whoever you're interested in a friendly manner without having expectations.Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 I'm forty two and I'm in the same boat. It's no way to live is it. I'm looking at seeing a life coach, and you might also think about therapy, perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't know if those sorts of things are an option where you live, but try talking to a family doctor.
...............................
A
female
reader, peace143 +, writes (5 January 2013):
eat healthy. fruits and veggies. you will feel like junk if your insides feel like junk.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 January 2013):
Flunking school at your age is common. Assuming it's not because you aren't mentally capable and it's more of a thing about not being ready then you can always try again in a few years.
Regarding being a virgin: there are two types of guys, those that get girls and those that don't. It doesn't matter what you look like, how thin/muscular you are, how much money you have, if you've graduated college, etc. What matters is that you are confident and not intimidated by women.
If you are you just have to get over it the same way you would if you were at the edge of a bridge about to bungee jump. The first time seems impossible. But unlike bungee jumping, talking to a girl won't kill you.
I had the same problem but once I got over it I never had issues with women.
To get your life back on track you need to make yourself some goals. Write them down and keep them in your wallet. Write how you will achieve them. If your goal is to get laid its not going to happen playing video games.
You'll be okay.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kell0804 +, writes (5 January 2013):
Are you interested in sports? Join a club or sports team.
Think positive. Just because you're a virgin and school didn't work for you doesn't mean you've failed life. Maybe you need a vacation.? Take a weekend away in a hotel and go to some clubs looking dressed up/ spiffy.
...............................
|
