A
male
age
36-40,
*evil Crazy
writes:Hi all,This question has been tearing me apart time and time again.Please bear with me, as this will be a long post.Is it true that, no women will ever want to be with a nice guy?I don't consider myself 100% nice, I am not overly romantic (in fact, quite unromantic). I consider myself sincere. I don't abuse or treat women with disrespect, so it comes to me as a surprise a couple of years back when I see time and time again that, women actually love guys that are jerks, or border on being a jerk!Personally, I am on course to finishing my degree and is likely to land a decent job. I do not drink, smoke, have casual sex or gamble. Nor do I womanize. However, all these don't seem to be appealing enough to the girls around me.I do have some issues regarding confidence as I have a almost broken family (my parents are still together, but there is no love at all). I suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse in the past because of that, hence resulting me having low confidence most of the time. Personally, I do not like conflicts as I have seen too much of those in the past.Honestly speaking, I feel something eating up inside me. I don't know what to do anymore, apart from finishing my course, securing a job and expanding my social circle. I want to be a good boyfriend, a good husband to a woman but now I don't know if this is worth it anymore. There is a voice deep inside me that tells me to go break any heart I come across and screw around till there's no tomorrow. I am devastated.I had two girlfriends in the past.Personality wise, I do not like conflicts, as I have had too much of those when I was a child. However, this might be one of the reason why my second girlfriend left me, as I have never quarreled with her over the 7 months together. I have read somewhere that certain women actually like their partners to quarrel/disagree with them just to show that their partner is a real man! I can't believe this.In terms of romance, I like a direct style with 100% commitment, showered with care and concern...but it obviously don't appeal to the majority of the women I think. I hate beating about the bush, but this is apparently what they like best. I have high sex drive too, but I did not have sex with both of them as I feel that it is best to have the girl eased into the mood first before I do the act with her.Sex is something special for me, as I only want to reserve it to my love, and let her do it with me in both a safe and fun manner. I am not staying a virgin until marriage, nor do I want to screw around.I am torn. I am seriously torn.Please give me advice, especially the ladies.Thanks a gazillion.
View related questions:
confidence, emotionally abusive, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Manja  +, writes (19 April 2009):
Hi there, I dont think you are that bad a t all... I am going to be married to someone who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, still a virgin (mind you he is 44) single, no kids, doesn't womanizer to top it he is god fearing and highly educated and well read ... woow .. I was amazed when I knew that..As for me there are woman who likes nice guys.. for me I'm blessed to have found my bf..and we are totally committed and in love.. So I wish you good luck..
A
female
reader, Angle79  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Hi, you seem a nice gentl man.
I think you the type of man that most women wish to marry with. Be positive and be patience. At some point, you will meet a woman who appreciates and respect your personality/behaviour.
I wish you the best of luck for your future.
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Your being what women say they want, which is a list of female characteristics, sensitive, caring blah blah blah.
Then they are attracted to the opposite i.e male characteristics. Its simple, stop thinking female. Get your advice from men who are successful with women.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Nice guys will get the best girls in the end.
Be patient, and I am sure you will find the right one for you. =)
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 My mum saw her dad do that to her mum a lot when she was a child, and my mum is one of the best people in the world, and was and is the best mum too. So yes, that can actually make you a better person yourself.
You sound alright to me. Where you live???? hehe ;o)
C xxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Thanks for the response Devil Crazy, that was very kind of you. The great thing about dear cupid is it manages to bring in responses from all different people from all over the world. Don't worry to much, you just got to be you and keep on working on your confidence if you think it's too low. As you can see, there are many women who would just love to be with a guy who has the qualities you have developed. Don't give up, one day the right woman will come along, you just aint met her yet. Relax, your doing fine and everything will work out just right in time. Blessings.
...............................
A
male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (5 August 2008):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi there,
I guess I didn't clarify some parts of my situation here.
My dad has wife-abuser tendencies. Over the years, I have seen too many times of him abusing my mum physically and emotionally, which is why I try to avoid doing all those to my girlfriend/wife, so that history will not repeat itself.
As for some of you questioning my qualification as a nice guy, I can certainly say I do qualify as one. I treated my female friends and ex-girlfriends with respect. And I dare to say I did well as a boyfriend too, it is just that there are certain things I may not be aware of when it comes to relationships.
In addition, on the days that I don't suffer from low confidence, I am someone who is easy to get along, funny, attentive and supporting. I do have a slightly mean streak as well, some of my female friends can testify to that.
I guess my main issue here is my confidence, which I will continue to work on.
Anyway, thanks for all your replies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wildrose293  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Hey there, hun.
I've read some of the other responses to your question... and I honestly wonder if some of the world has gone crazy or not.
First, and foremost, there is absolutley nothing wrong with you. You're the kind of steady and dependable man a woman can marry, but most aren't ready for.
And I know what you mean about the 'girls liking jerks'. For some reason, entirely unknown to me, most girls like dominance. It's just silly that they associate that with 'I'm manly, worship me or else.' It's not a bad reflection on you, trust me. You don't want to be that jerk.
I also don't believe for a second that you're entirely unromantic. You sound like you're being way too critical on yourself and that might also be a factor in your low self-esteem; besides the abuse lingering from the past.
And the girl who broke up with you because of a non-argumentative relationship? She's got a few screws loose. Yes, some women thrive on conflict, but that's not healthy. For her or for you. The fact you try to avoid arguments is a sign of maturity and the willingness to actualy THINK.
As far as sex goes... you're not doing anything wrong there either. It's rare to find a man who's willing to wait for his partner. Being with someone SHOULD be special and not just a rump in the sack. But, unfortunately, it's much harder for a man than a woman to take their time. I understand that feeling you get of wanting to say screw it and use someone. I don't know if it will make you feel better in the end, but it looks like release is necessary. Keeping this inside too long really will begin to tear you up.
Try to hold on hun. What you need to do it look for a woman. Not a young lady with her head in her pants, or her sights on Arnold's twin, but someone as level headed as you who can appreciate your caring side and your need to be with someone 100%. It's not a flaw to want the perfect relationship. It's just sad we have to spend so long searching for it.
My real advice is to work on improving the way you see yourself. Find reasons to celebrate and give yourself a pat on the back. Even if... even if it's just because you managed to do something you've been putting off for a while.
I'm rooting for you, dude. So keep up the good fight. I'll be in contact if you want to talk anything else over.
...............................
A
male
reader, M][KE +, writes (4 August 2008):
Hi There, Like you, I thought about this many times in the past and I completely understand this problem. However like most issues, it’s not complicated and is actually Very Simple.The overall problem is this; women like nice guys but don’t Respect ThemHowever the stigma in dating isn’t between nice guys, mean guys, good boys or bad boys. It’s between Weak Guys and Strong Guys.Women are drawn to strength. It doesn’t have to be physical strength, but they must have the ability to make them feel safe. So you can still be a nice guy, but also be assertive and strong. It’s all about state of mind and how you present yourself to women.So when you next think about this remember: be a Strong Guy. Challenge women and they will respect you.All the best and I hope things work out for you, M][KE
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Hi there,
I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely guy.
And there are women out there who like a lovely, good guy - I'm marrying one in a month's time.
Please be positive - you will meet someone who will appreciate you....if not, you have the choice to walk away.
Just take heed that you are worthy of a wonderful woman...as another anwer states - it just takes patience.
All the best
x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I want to be with a nice guy, someone who doesn't mind cuddling instead of messing around in the bedroom. Not all women like heartless people.
I don't think you are putting yourself out there very much, do you go out with the lads looking for ladies?
Why don't you join a club to meet new people, someone that likes doing the same hobbies as you so you have something in common.
Stop showing hate for other guys just because they have girlfriends. Women are all turned on by different things... Perhaps you just don't tick their boxes. You also sound far to serious. Live a little mate. Not drinking and not smoking does not make you a nice guy. I know a lot of lovely guys who drink and smoke. You said you're unromantic. You want a girlfriend who you are going to care for instead of take out places and hold them. Not meaning to sound harsh, but what makes you so sure you're a nice guy? I like to be treated with respect but I also like to fool around, tbh I think you've just got to find the right girl. GET OUT THERE!!
As for your self- confidence I can give you some tips:
# Exercise and eat healthy. Exercise raises endorphins and makes one feel happier and healthier. It is certainly an easy and effective way to boost your self-confidence.
# When you're feeling superbly insecure, write down a list of things that are good about you. Then read the list back. You'd be surprised at what you can come up with.
# Turn feelings of envy or jealousy into a desire to achieve. Stop wanting what others have just because they have it; seek things simply because you want them, whether anybody else has them or not.
# Don't be afraid to push yourself a bit - a little bit of pressure can actually show just how good you are!
# Take a wilderness experience course such as those found at Outward Bound or NOLS. Learning how to survive in the wilderness will build your confidence in other areas of life too. You can also try taking a martial arts or fitness class/course (or both). This will help build confidence and strength.
# Try to make yourself talk positively at all times. When you hear yourself saying you can't do something, stop and say you can. Unless you try, you will never know whether you are able to or not.
# Everyone is beautiful in their own way; don't let anyone tell you differently. Remember to tell yourself that you are beautiful every day; even if you don't believe it, one day you will.
# Money, luck, beauty, and all other material things are just an illusion of happiness. It misleads us to believe we will feel excellent if we have these things or have fun, but in the long run, you will discover that while these things aren't necessarily horrible, they are only mere satisfactions. You will realize having the American Eagle jacket, Nike Shoes, or an attractively rich person flirting with you is only a satisfaction, so you in the end you might feel glad you've gotten what you wanted, but you'll want more and more until you reach happiness. It'll be you just running for happiness blindly until you are worn out.
# Happiness is not all about being lucky, attractive, or the best, but rather feeling joyful in yourself, letting go of your insecurities, and having real fun. Sometimes going clubbing is also what the media tags as being the most fun thing, and it can be, but you decide what feels wonderful and happily fun. The reason people also reflect back to their childhood as "the good ole days" is because that's when being the richest or prettiest doesn't count really, and when we were able to release ourselves and have true fun, feeling happy and confident.
# Keep smiling all the time. It will help you feel more confident.
# Say what comes to your mind; since your instinct thought of it, it's probably the right thing for you. Trusting your instinct will provide you with confidence to make the right decision at the right time.
# Practice good posture. Our body posture represents what we are at that particular time. A simple habit that we can learn and implement is to stand and sit correctly. Your proper body posture will speak for you; how you stand sends out a message to the world, and in turn, back to you.
# Avoid perfectionism. Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): You are the perfect example of what modern man has become, i.e neurotic.
Take up boxing, it will help focus your MALE mind
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Sorry, I meant a girlfriend whose embarrased by you, but smiles because your the kind of nice guy whose a jerk, or a jerk whose a nice guy and she wouldn't swap you for anything in the world.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): There is so much in your post that confuses me. You consider other guys jerks, why because they gamble and smoke. Your not romantic, but you don't seem to realise that for a lot of women, this is a very important thing. I'm not really sure what you consider a jerk to be, but you need to examine the attitude you have about the world. You think some guys are jerks, so what are the others, nice guys. What makes a nice guy for you? You may be surprised that some women would class you as a jerk, and class other guys as nice. It's not nice to divide the world like this, people are people and they change according to situations and circumstances. What do you see as abuse and disrespect, conflicts and arguements. Well some people think this is healthy in a relationship.
Gambling, casual sex, drinking and smoking dosen't make a guy a jerk. It just makes a person who has different hobbies from you. Nowadays, women are able to make their own money, and a man who has a good degree and a good job may no longer be the ideal man. You talk about 100% committment and concern, but how would a woman know, if you've already thrown romance out the door.
You are what you are, and your looking for a woman who likes you the way you are. But your qualities don't make you nice in my eyes, and they also don't make you a jerk. You have respect for women, and hold back your sex drive to ease them into sex... This is the 21st century buddy, some women still want a man to sweep them off their feet and ravish them. It might be downheartening to be in a relationship with a man whose too nice to have sex.
This is not meant as a criticsim, mearly a gentle prod, to remind you what you want in relationships, and the kind of girl your looking for. You have certain ways and habits, find a girl who finds these attractive, and stop looking at other people and judging their circumstances and character and finding them short. Try to be a friend to a woman, stop trying to read their mind, and ask them what they want. You'll soon find out, that most women are not delicate, and they're not going out with jerks, they're going out with loud brash, overconfident men, who take them home, give them wild sex and romantic poetry. They may be jerks to you, and they maybe jerks in public, but when they get home, they turn into loving pussycats.
Get over your childhood issues, gain confidence in who you are and what you value. Learn to love yourself, and stop hiding behind, what may impress the right girl. Try to be a friend first and foremost, and be honest in all your relationships and communications, and soon you'll be a jerk too, whose girlfriend complains, but smiles all the time she sees him.
...............................
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Women are attracted to strong, confident men who know what they want. We want to know our man can protect us and make us feel secure. From your post, I can see where the problem is. YOu don't challenge your women enough. We need men who will put us in line and stand up to us when we are wrong. A pushover is so unattractive. It's boring.
So please don't go and screw over every women you see because you are hurting inside. These women didn't do anything to you, and two wrongs don't make a right.
What you need to do is learn to love yourself, and when you do the women you meet will fall madly in love with you and never want to let you go.
So work on your confidence,work on the issues from childhood. Focus on your good qualities and not your bad. Until you do that, every relationship is destine for failure.
So it's not a matter of being a "nice" guy.
WE love nice guys...but it's nice guys with a backbone and not nice guys that are doormats because they are afraid to lose our love.
...............................
A
male
reader, look samurai dick +, writes (4 August 2008):
humans want what they cant have. if she knows she can have you. she doesnt want you..... if she thinks you dont want her she wants you.
people who dont believe they are worth much want to be in relationships where they are treated that way.
treat them mean keep them keen- really works!
you can still be a nice guy and treat girls mean. its all in the style. making them want you. you can make a girl go funny inside the same way they do to you. they do it by acting feminine/sexy. if you act confident/macho it makes them go all funny.
some girls really seem like they want you to be all soppy. but often its not what they want. they love for the man to be in control.
i know it seems sad that you should have to compromise your nice personality but you dont. you just have to take control. of the situation and her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Koala +, writes (4 August 2008):
No, they don't! I'm so happy I've finally found a loyal, faithful wonderful loving man. I dated one 'jerk' in the past and don't know why I stuck with him for so long. Lots of us have issues, and we've had things we've had to work through - the key is communication and trust. Please don't give up! :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Your problem is a common one. Let's give the floor to the ladies:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml
I recommend you read all this. Also, you can check what Frank B. Kermit (another agony aunt) can offer. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a sales agent for Frank.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura-x +, writes (4 August 2008):
Hi, to get noticed you need to put yourself out there (not as in sleeping around) but have confidence and show women that you are a nice guy. I have been out with alot of jerks in the past and then i met a nice guy that wasn't as good looking as all the rest but he treats me so well and we have been in a strong relationship for over 8 months now, but the truth is i wouldn't have looked at him twice if he didn't prove to me he was a nice guy and by spending 6 months as friends he stole my heart. I don't think you should give up at all there are 100's of women out there that are sick of been treated badly and getting hurt all the time and would die for someone like you to treat them properly. Hope this helps, also, be confident there is no need not to be. x
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 August 2008):
Where are you reading this crap?!?!?
Women like confidence. They want a guy who can stand up for himself so they know he can stand up for them. Jerk guys have confidence in bucket loads which is why they attract women. A girl doesn't want someone who they have to look after. My last boyfriend used to do this high pitched whinge when ever we had to ask directions and make excuses about how I should have looked up better directions until I ended up asking someone where to go. It was so obvious that he just didn't want to talk to a stranger and it made me see him as really pathetic.
As for lack of conflict, yes avoid it if you can but your childhood is over now, you are an adult and you have to face up to things when they occur. You don't have to yell and scream but you have to talk about things in a calm voice and put your point across.
I think that your lack of confidence is your problem, but there is good news on this front. No one knows about your problems but you.
When you next meet a girl just imagine that you had a great childhood and are full of confidence now. Think of some man you respect and ask yourself how he would react. I am NOT telling you to be fake here or tell any lies, but it is possible to con yourself into having confidence and the ladies will love it too.
Flirt a little bit, give compliments, chat, and see what happens.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, les +, writes (4 August 2008):
I've heard this from many guys and I've always given them the same answer. Its not that nice guys finish last or that girls like jerks. It has more to do with human psychology and the way that nice guys act that turns women off.
Being nice is not a bad thing. Girls love nice guys. And this might be different, but in my experience, I've realized that "nice guys" are really guys with self-confidence issues, usually somewhat desperate for companionship, can't deal with conflict and asset themselves and are willing to bend over backwards for women with very little in return -- these are really some of the qualities you described in yourself. Its really these qualities that turn women off I think because its only natural for us to be attracted to guys who can assert themselves, stand up for themselves when they are not being treated right, and find a balance of being nice and respectful but still keeping true to themselves.
To illustrate the point, when you see a "doormat" type of girl, after a while, you will get sick of it. Likewise, I think thats the same problem with nice guys.. alot of them turn themselves in doormats and neither males nor females want to be with a doormat.
So to answer your question, no, you shouldnt be a jerk. but you should look at what behaviors you have that might turn women off.. for example, I know what appropriate behavior is around guys, but I'm also very spoiled and try to get them to do as much for me as possible. While I'll really appreciate a guy that will bend over backwards for me, its really the guy who can assert himself and say, hey you're being unfair, lets compromise and communicate that is going to keep my interest long term. He's not a jerk. He is very nice and will do nice things for me. But he'll also make sure he's being treated fairly by me.
I hope that all of this makes sense and helps answer your question... let me know if it doesnt.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 August 2008):
I think you are partly right. Lots of girls do like a bad guy. I know a guy that preaches to everyone how nice he is, yet lies once he's actually dating them, likes his booze and mates, basically is a jack the lad and is definately a womanizer, even though he wont admit it.
He's not a bad looking bloke, and women literally throw themselves at him. We were talking about it the other night with him and i asked why do these women throw themselves at him, not being horrible but i dont get it. He said they dont, but they do. We dated a long time ago, and i ended it because he was an horrendous flirt and i found him too arrogant to be honest. I couldn't fall for him. He says he has a good friend (one of the many flinging themselves at him at the moment) that he asked after i had said about it, and she told him its because he is such a nice caring guy, and apparently begged him not to change *vomit*
Ive got my own theory, it tends to be because thse kind of guys have the gift of the gab, make everyone feel special,until they have hooked the woman, but most women aren't daft and know deep down they are bad boys, but fall for the charm and then wonder why they get hurt.
The way you are is way more appealing, and in my eyes there is way more attractivness in a guy thats not overly confident, than one that fancies himself rotten. The only trouble is, because you have low self asteem, you dont approach the women like the bad boys do, so it seems you come last. But i think you need to scratch the surface a bit deeper here, and realise that the bad boys and the types of girls they attract, tend to have very dysfunctional relationships, and they just end up worse people than they were before, because of it. Think of people in your family or your street, that aren't particularly beautiful appearance wise, but live normal lives that might well seem boring to the playa's, and think to yourself why these normal people have been married happily for years. Or even happily single for years. I know what kind of life i prefer the look of.
So where i agree with some of the things you say, i believe there are unpleasant reasons for the way some people are in life, but i definately think, with a bit of patience and fate playing a part, the good guys (and girls) actually end up the winners in the end?
C xxxx
...............................
|
