A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 yr old from India and work as a software engineer. I'll be moving to the US for grad school (Computer Science) soon (by Jan 2010 or Jun 2010).I've had a pretty interesting and different childhood.I've got an extremely strong interest and desire in women. But for a variety of reasons (including the fact that dating and premarital romantic relationships are not really the norm in my country) I've not been in any romantic relationship thus far. I'm not ashamed or apologetic about that (it took me some time to fix my own issues and get ready). I'm not interested in "arranged marriages" (which is the way most people are married here). So I'm looking at falling in love with a good woman who truly loves me. I've worked on myself in order to be the best of myself; clarify my needs, emotions, figuring myself out (my purpose, my values and beliefs), achieve financial independence. I'm presently working on developing an attractive and fit physique. I want to be the best that I can be for my soulmate.I'm interested in having a serious monogamous relationship with someone who truly loves me (essentially I want to find the one woman to share and spend the rest of my life with) and I've finally decided to start dating.Just a few queries since I am new to this.Thus far, I've satisfied my sexual urges mainly by watching porn (since I was 17) and now it's become a regular habit where I watch it on an average about 2/3 times a week. I think this is a normal thing to do. I'm aware that it is not at all fulfilling or meaningful at any level and I'm only using it as a filler / outlet (in the absence of any sexual relationship). I want to be absolutely honest and true (be myself) to my partner, and although I'll reveal my porn viewing habit at the right time, I just hope she doesn't judge me as a pervert / sex addict for it. I'd like your views on this (esp. women).I also want to know where I can learn the etiquette / rules (if there is such a thing) for dating women (esp. on how to find the right person and develop a long-term relationship). Ideally I'd want to go out with different girls on shared activities like movies, theme parks, adventure sports etc. and then find the right person and take it forward with her (become a good friend, get physically intimate and marry). Some of my friends who've got gfs say that I'm over-planning and that I should just let things be and that love will happen automatically (or by serendipity). However, I realize that I'm already 25 and I'm proactive by nature and want to do whatever is necessary to find my soul mate. I'm not interested in casual relationships (nothing wrong with them, just not my choice) and I fear that I might be hurt / taken advantage of (I'm emotionally intense but also resilient; still I'd like to avoid getting manipulated / "played on" / getting my heart broken) by more experienced and manipulative women. Please help me on how to attract the right kind of woman who is good, honest, confident, and attractive.I don't have any siblings to help me out with this. So I thought it'd be nice to hear your views and perspectives on this.Thanks for patiently reading this long post. This is one of the most important parts of my life (if not the most important).If the folks here could be so kind as to help me out I'd really appreciate it.
View related questions:
porn, sex addict, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnx, TasteofIndia. All those pointers were very helpful.
I completely agree about dating multiple people simultaneously as long as everyone involved knows about it & is fine with it (as I had mentioned "whr they date many guys simultaneously without thr knowledge" to clarify what I meant).
I for one, am looking to date exclusively... so that wouldn't work out for me. They can always date some1 else, but they'd need to break up with me first.
Now, I'm confident that I'll meet someone who's nice, fun & interesting & just right for me. I just need to get out thr & start looking. Thnx for being so positive, warm & encouraging!
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Hey, thanks for replying (and personally to everybody! Love that in an OP). As to how to gauge a woman's intentions... well, it's not as hard as you might think. You just have to use your instincts. If a girl is out to mess around with guys, if you're listening to your intuition, it'll give you an inkling of doubt. Things to watch out for: if she's got an attitude, if she's rude to a waiter, if she's already needy (texting you all the time, needing you to call, etc.), if she seems super aggressive, if she gets totally trashed on the first date...
Definitely take things slowly sexually, too. If a girl is looking to take advantage of a man, she'll often use her sexuality to seal the deal. Not to say all sexual girls are out to play a guy, but a super sexually aggressive girl who seems to focus on turning you on and getting you drooling all over her... that's a red flag.
Now, it IS okay for a girl to be dating a few guys... you just need to communicate about being exclusive. Because it IS okay to date around, as long as that's in the open. If you just put it out there and make sure that you're on the same page, things should be okay.
Communicate, use your gut, listen to your instincts and don't be disappointed if you strike out a few times. It's a lucky thing if the first girl you date is "The One"... it sometimes takes a little trial and error.
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnx a lot tjazzy, Araelia V, _lola and especially TasteofIndia!Your answers were reassuring and quite insightful.tjazzy , ur no-nonsense, common sense approach is appreciated.While ur views on porn did seem to confirm my suspicions, the responses from others make me believe that watching porn is not viewed negatively by all women. It's an individual thing; and since I really don't want to suppress or deny my sexuality (I've tried this earlier. It didn't work and made me realize that it is only a perfectly normal outlet for my desires in the absence of a relationship.), I'll simply avoid women who are so uptight about this matter.Thnx Arelia, for breaking down the dating process into simple steps like that. That's always helpful for a guy._lola, agree with you about not rushing. I feel that since I'm a newbie, I need to just take it slow and without too many expectations initially. While I understand ur suggestion to stay mum on my inexperience till I know the other person well, what do I do if I'm asked about it (I'm sure it could come up after some time) ? I don't want to lie or prevaricate. Should I simply say how does it matter? or something I like that ? (it would still count as a slight dishonesty in my book... becoz it does matter hence my discomfort in revealing it... but I can explain that later).TasteofIndia, ur post was so reassuring and so good to read! Will certainly use my instincts (although deciphering what they convey doesn't always come naturally to me) and err on the side of caution. You guessed right! I really want a sweet, good, caring, honest and confident girl.Do u have any suggestions for how I could gauge the true intentions of a girl? (Like if she came on too strongly or behaved in catty manner, I'd be able to understand that a long-term relationship is not what she is probably looking for.) But what if it's not so clear-cut ? I've heard of women who two-time, or have multiple "options" (whr they date many guys simultaneously without thr knowledge)... I'd hate to be taken advantage of that way...This is all because it is my first time. Maybe, I just need to trust that things will go well, and start taking small steps and not build up so much pressure and expectation...Yeah, will do that.
...............................
A
female
reader, _lola_  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 I'd say tell the truth about the porn, it's not like there's anything wrong with it. I don't know any girl that would be turned off by it! As for not getting taken advantage of I wouldn't let on that you've never had a real girlfriend until you know someone pretty well, because some girls might manipulate you that way. If you are really interested in someone don't rush into a sexual relationship or talk about settling down to quickly. Give things a chance to move at there own pace and enjoy yourself.Best of luck xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 December 2009):
You sound like quite a catch. Just don't verge on desperate, and you'll attract the right kind of woman. I mostly agree with the first poster, except...
I don't think you need to cut your porn viewing. It's occasional, not taking over your life and quite normal. Yes, SOME girls get super insecure about it (which usually means they've got a history of extremely low self esteem), but a lot of women are perfectly fine with a little porn usage. Anyway, until you meet a girl who you are serious with, I wouldn't worry about that. It's a good outlet your your sexual tension.
To some degree, your friends are right. Overplanning can hurt your chances of meeting a woman - they always say that you meet her when you least expect it (Lord knows I met the guy I married when I REALLY least expected it), but it doesn't mean that you can't be out there are trying even still. I'd suggest joining a lot of activities, and getting involved in a lot of extra curriculars. The bar is NOT a great place to meet a woman (not to say it can't happen, but...). Then, be yourself, be respectful, remember to breathe and be natural and chilled out. There is no need to bombard her with seriousness yet.
Use your sixth sense to determine what kind of woman she is. If you get sweet, kind, nice vibes from her, she is probably not the kind of woman who will drag you around and stomp on your heart. And remember, you can start off just by dating someone, not getting involved in anything serious. Test the waters, see how it goes. If you get manipulating vibes, don't continue with the dates.
You sound like the kind of guy any woman would be lucky to marry. Good luck, sweetness!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Araelia V  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Once you move out to the US, make friends with people. Relax a little and settle yourself in. You may think i'm not the best person to give you advice as i'm only sixteen but in the last three years i have had three serious relationships. The most recent lasting eleven months. We broke it off because he wasn't right for me and wouldn't even let me kiss my friends (who were women, i'm bisexual) to say hello. I therefore feel i am fairly good in the relationship department.
Back to you. Once you've settled in a bit and have found yourself some friends to spend time with start going out. Go to parties, meet people and eventually there will be a girl you like when you go out to these events. When this happens you could invite her and a group of her friends, with your friends too, to the cinema or somewhere else like bowling etc. Make her happy with her friends when your around. Once she is a little more comfortable with you around you should call her up. Surprise her and invite her out on her own. Taking it from there you can take her out a little bit more often and finally ask her out. From your description you seem really smart and really likeable. I'm sure you will have no trouble making friends and finding the right girl for you.
I hope I helped.
Araelia V
x
P.s if you need more help just e-mail me on:
[email address blocked]
...............................
A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (3 December 2009):
First off, stop watching porn, most women find it a major turn off as it tells them they are not good enough for you. Second, meeting people may be planned, frequenting places where you are likely to meet your type and possibly indulge in activity together - the gym is a good place, church is another and of course, school or the workplace. I won't mention clubs as you may not exactly meet your type there (people are different when they are drunk). Finally when you eventually get a nice girl to smile at you and initiate a conversation, don't try out any corny lines or filthy jokes. Be yourself and treat her with respect (you know, how you would treat a female cousin in your age group)and don't flirt or ask her out on a date unless you really like her. You sound like a serious minded person so I guess you won't have any problems. Finally , Don't forget to use deodorant and eat with you mouth closed. Good luck.
...............................
|
